Let Me Respectfully Explain Why Children's Toy Packaging Absolutely Sucks

The final resting place of holiday joy

Yesterday my family and I celebrated Christmas. And by "celebrated" I mean we went to my folks house, got very little sleep, had some drinks(not me, ed note: I had a few drinks), talked and opened presents in the morning. None of my family is religious, so we do not celebrate Jesus or anything like that. Also, if you want to celebrate the birth of a fictional character, celebrate it in April, not December. That's another topic for another day though.

Having two young kids, they got a bunch of new toys that my wife and I had to open. This is where I begin to get into my topic for today. With these kids toys, why is there so much non essential shit attached to these toys? First off, you get the box and it is just superfluous cardboard covering up one smallish toy. For example, my daughter got a Beat Bugs toy that was a small submarine and a insect dressed as a Beatle. Just 2 things, probably about one foot tall total. But, with the amount of cardboard attached, you'd think it was 6 or 7 toys all in this one box. It was a nightmare. When I went to open it as my daughter napped, I literally just ripped into the cardboard so I could get to the small toy. It was a god damn mess. Just scraps of cardboard strewn about my floor everywhere. It really made my OCD come to the forefront. After finally getting most of the cardboard ripped, I assumed that I just had a few more steps before my daughter could play wit this toy right after she woke up.

I was very, very wrong.

There were many, too many, more steps before I even got the insect toy out. The cardboard that was still standing had plastic wrapped around said toy. So, when running into this problem, I grabbed some scissors thinking that would easily solve this problem. Well, the plastic was wrapped so tight around this mini character, I kept scratching the insect toy. I could not get at it from a proper angle, so I just dove straight ahead and whatever damage happened, my daughter would have to deal with. When I finally got the plastic circles off the insect and the submarine, I thought I was done.

Well, I unfortunately was not.

I went to pull the toys out to set them down, and they still wouldn't move. I searched and found that there was some kind of hard core shoelace style wrapping on the bottom of the still leftover cardboard. When I tried to just untie it, it only seemed to get tighter. So again I had to use the scissors. That marks 3 times I had to use sharp scissors to open a toy for a 2 year old. That is insane. I get that you don't want toys to be stolen from the store, but Jesus Happy Birthday Christ, this is getting to be too much. When I finally, and mercifully, got the string cut off, the toy was free. It basically sprung out of my hands, almost like it was jumping for freedom. So, what used to take me maybe 5 minutes to get done, open a very small toy, took me about 20 minutes yesterday.

That is my problem. Why is there so much shit that is nearly impossible to open with just your bare hands? I get the shop lifting theory, but that is it. There is no other reason than to infuriate parents as to why they put all this nonsense on kids toys. It is getting to be way too much. There is too much stuff that just goes in either the trash or recycling. There does not need to be this much stuff for such small toys. It is overkill. It is wasteful. It is stupid. It is frustrating. It can be maddening. It starts arguments. I yelled audibly for no reason while opening these toys yesterday. It just flat out stinks.

These companies need to lay off all the unnecessary cardboard, plastic and whatever the shoestring stuff is made of. The planet is already consumed by trash, and this only adds to the insurmountable amount we currently have. Also, knock it off so parents don't have to struggle to get the toys ready for their kids. The kids hover over you, at least my kids, and just wait and ask you a million times when their toy will be ready. I understand this is a first world problem, but it just irks at me. Yesterday was the most frustrated I have ever been opening my kids presents. The Beat Bugs toy was a nightmare, but so was her Teddy Ruxpin, my son's pogo stick, his 2 big new Imaginenext toys, my daughter's dress up clothes and shoes. Hell, it even leaked into mine and my wife's stuff. All those tags on clothes, get rid of them. The shoe boxes filled with paper, that is way too much paper. The boxes with candle holders and whatever else may be in them, too much cardboard inside and out.

It is just too much. Knock it off, especially with the kids toys. It has gotten way to out of hand.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He is usually the jolliest of fellows on Christmas Morning, by Christmas lunchtime he makes the Grinch look like Scrooges pissed off drunken uncle.

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