Now We Have to Write About the Damn Unicorn Frappucino

Here is a pic of Ty's special coffee. It has cream and sugar in it.

I guess this week is going to be my old man grumpy week. Earlier I complained about music festivals. Yesterday I was shocked at how poorly all of the Celtics, except for Isaish Thomas, have been playing so far in the playoffs. I did write about my love for TV so far this year, but that is the only sign of happiness I have shown all week. I'm going to end the week much like it started, by complaining.

I am shocked and grossed out by this new drink at Starbucks, "The Unicorn Frappucino". I have no problem with frappucino's, or anything else at Starbucks for that matter. I love Starbucks and unicorns. Starbucks is second only to Tim Horton's, as far as my favorite coffee spot. I think unicorns are cool as hell too. I love the idea of a horse with a single horn that grants wishes, or whatever unicorns may do. More power to this majestic animal. But, what Starbucks has done is absolutely unnecessary.

This drink looks like an abomination. It looks like every kind of sugary candy, i.e., Skittles, Starburst, so on and so forth, that I gave up three years ago. It is hyper color for god's sake. It looks so sweet, I feel like it would immediately give me diabetes after one sip. All the things that go into this drink just do not make sense, especially on a Starbucks menu. When they introduce new or seasonal items, it has a theme that goes along with Starbucks. Pumpkin spice is big in the fall. They always have some kind of holiday drink with peppermint or cinnamon or some kind of spice that pairs perfectly with winter. Even in the summer they seem to introduce some kind of cold brew or something refreshing as opposed to their normal hot drinks. But this Unicorn Frappucino is just confounding.

The Unicorn Frappucino has a mango puree, some kind of sour powder, whipped cream and sprinkles. There is no coffee is this drink at all. I don't even think there is caffeine. That is fine, but it just seems lost on the menu, and the consumer. I have read multiple people's takes on this drink and they all seem to sound the same. I have seen stuff that says, "it's only good for one sip", or, "8 year old me would have loved this drink, but now that I have developed taste buds, it's disgusting".

All the comments seem to have that same sentiment. I read a story yesterday that said the employees that are making the drink have grown very disenfranchised with it as well. Apparently the powder stains their hands and people complain if it doesn't look like the pictures. Nothing ever looks like the picture. You ever seen a picture of a Big Mac or a Whopper, ordered it, and it looked like that same picture? No way. The picture is supposed to draw you in, and that is it. Food will never look like the picture. That would take far too much time.

To make matters even worse, my wife wants one of these drinks, but she is too embarrassed to order it. Do you know what that means? I have to get one for her because I could care less what the barista's at Starbucks think about me. My wife doesn't want them to think that she is the one drinking this thing. She'd rather they thought it was me, and I'm fine with that. I will not take one sip of this drink though. It sounds way too gross.

Another big issue I have with the Unicorn Frappucino is all the god damn pictures I have to see of it on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. That is probably my least favorite thing about social media and food. Everyone has to take pictures of their fancy or different food and share it with their followers. I do not give a shit about what other people are eating or drinking. I only care about what myself, my wife, and most importantly, my kids are eating. I never, ever take pictures of my food and post it to any social media site. That is so stupid and vain. I barely put pictures of myself on there, so why would I put pictures of food or drink. It is a waste of time and storage on your phone or camera. People seem to be more obsessed with ordering the Unicorn Frappucino to take pictures of it rather than drinking it. Great, you just wasted 5 dollars of your money for a picture. It is so stupid.

I guess that is the main issue. We are all too consumed with image as a society now. It shocks me that people will buy one of these drinks, snap a photo of themselves with the drink, take a sip, realize it is gross, and throw it away. They just want people to know that they are one of the many thousands of people that bought the Unicorn Frappucino.

It is not just this particular drink that drives me nuts. I loathe when McDonald's busts out the McRib. I'm not a fan of chicken fries from Burger King. I think Taco Bell having breakfast is vile and disgusting. Everything Arby's does is gross. It's becoming an epidemic in the fast food industry, making newer and newer concoctions for people to talk about. It works, obviously. I'm talking about it today, and I'm probably one of the last people to bring it up. But, fast food places that have established themselves do not need to keep coming up with new, and disgusting, ideas. Stick with the basics. That is why you became successful.

One more thing, if anyone out there has had one of these Unicorn Frappucino's, please tell me about your experience because I have not heard one good thing about it, and I'm dying to know who actually bought one, and enjoyed it.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He is willing to buy your Unicorn Frappucino, but only if you post a photo of Ty on your social media.

Follow Ty on instagram and twitter.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.