Better Never than Late on "Crank"

Over the weekend it was my turn to pick the movie and I picked "Crank". I have just watched a bunch of long and kind of depressing movies lately. I wanted something light, something goofy, something I could just sit down and kind of zone out while I watched. I have also heard a good amount of comedy podcasters I like recommend this movie. The 90 minute run time was more than I needed to pick. So we watched and I have some thoughts.

Right off the bat, this movie made me motion sick. For people who may not know, the plot of "Crank" is a hit man gets shot with poison and he has to keep his heart rate dangerously high to stay alive. Pretty simple. But the way the movie was shot was very chaotic. It opened with the perspective of the hitman waking up and stumbling over to the tv. From the start the movie was choppy. It jumbled up and down. It reminded me of "Cloverfield". I kept trying to refocus my eyes just to watch. There were moments of steady camera work, but a lot of it was very bumpy. I get why they did it, but it makes for a tough watch.

The movie is also very problematic. Female characters are very basic, they use slang terms that are highly offensive, the CGI is not great, it is a big mess. Amy Smart is a solid actor, but she is given very little to do here. She is just his girlfriend. She has nothing else going on. That bummed me out. Jason Statham is fine in action movies like "Lock Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels", or "Snatch". He is even funny in "Spy". "Crank" tries to meld both action and comedy, but it did not work for me. I didn't laugh at all, except for how ridiculous some stuff I saw was. Statham tried to play it straight, but the other actors don't really have comedy chops. The tone did not work for me as a viewer at all. The action was kind of cool, but it could have been done better. Again, this movie came out in 2006 so CGI made big, big strides. A movie like "Jurassic Park" is a great example. They did CGI wonderfully. And it came out 13 years before this movie. The CGI in this one looked bad. It looked like a first time student was given the reins. It was quite the bummer.

I read that this movie took a lot of its influence from "Grand Theft Auto". I have never played that game but I have heard that it is incredibly problematic. I have heard all the bad stories about it before. I do not think it was a good idea to base an entire movie on a problematic video game, but maybe that is just me. And the way this whole story unfolded was simply absurd, and not good absurd. This movie wishes it were "John Wick". I wouldn't be shocked if the people who made "John Wick" were slightly influenced by this movie, but they are much, much, much more talented than the people who made "Crank". And the ending was utterly nuts. I could not believe what I was watching. My wife fell asleep and when I woke her up to go to bed she asked what she missed. I told her and she audibly guffawed. It was nonsense.

I guess a movie like this is not for me. I am starting to realize how problematic movies from the late 90's and the early 2000's are, and it is depressing. And, I hate to harp on this, but the effects were terrible. They were so, so bad. I would not recommend this movie. It is not even bad in a good way. I wish I had picked something else. Oh well, there is always next Sunday. 

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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