Ty Watches "VelociPastor"

I put some movie reviews on the back burner the past couple weeks due to my football previews. Now I'm back to resolve this issue. The first movie I want to talk about is "Velocipastor". Let’s do this.

Now, the title should tell you all you need to know about this movie. This is a movie that was made around 2017, and the people involved knew exactly what they were doing. They had an idea, they ran with it, they made it cheap and they had fun. I read that this movie was based on a trailer, which makes sense. The synopsis of the movie is, as much as I remember, as follows, a pastor gets the power of a prehistoric animal and he, with the help of a sex worker, decides to rid the world of evil. That synopsis alone was more than enough for me to watch. A few friends of my wife and I told us that they either saw it and loved it, or wanted to see it. The movie is a little under 90 minutes, which is even better.

The movie starts with the pastor waving to his parents, who then explode in a car fire. We don't see the parents, but we see some writing on the screen that says, "car is on fire". What a start. From there it only gets wilder. The pastor goes away to China, on the advice of his mentor, and this is where he collects the dino tooth that gives him his power. He is hiking, some ninjas take out a lady running from them, and as she is dying she gives the pastor the tooth. He returns to America, and his church, after this craziness. Meanwhile, the sex worker is having a tough go of it with her employer. He is loud and mean and just not a good dude at all. Later, the pastor goes out to the woods because he hears a noise. Then he starts to morph into the velociraptor, taking out the people that are messing with the sex worker. The sex worker takes the pastor to her place to let him sleep off the night. By the way, the "violence" that occurs is hilarious. It is nonsensical and I was laughing my ass off at the "action". The sex worker tells the pastor what he did, he doesn't believe her, but then the sex worker's boss comes into confession, confessing to many crimes, including being the person to start the car fire that took his parents. The pastor's arm then morphs into the dino arm and he takes care of the bad boss. He then returns to the sex worker's house and says that he wants to work with her. While they are ridding their neighborhood of crime, the sex worker and pastor become close. But, the pastor's mentor is not happy with what he is seeing. He takes the pastor to see a witch doctor. But, the mentor tells us a story about his past. This was nuts. This was the funniest part in the whole movie to me. To shift focus, to tell this story and to put it in a war, chef's kiss. We return to the witch doctor's place, and while they are doing their work on the pastor, he becomes hungry. He starts to morph and while it's happening, he rips his mentor's eye out. This takes us on another excursion to the bad guys in the movie, a cabal of ninjas who sell drugs to kids. The pastor's mentor is not happy with what he is seeing, but he gets taken out by the bad guys. This is all leading to a bug showdown between the pastor, the sex worker and the bad guy ninjas. The fight starts great, with one of the main bad guy ninjas revealing that he is the pastor's brother. We get some flashback shots we've already seen, but this time the brother is in the background, going unnoticed. Another great idea by the movie makers here. There's a big fight, the pastor takes out his brother, but the sex worker gets taken out as well. This is when the pastor morphs back into his dino form, and he tries to take out the main bad guy ninja. He gets paralyzed by the bad guy ninja, or so we think. But, his injury was just a ruse. He still has dino arms and he gets rid of the main bad guy ninja. We then find out that, not only is the sex worker okay, but now she is pregnant. The movie ends with the pastor and the sex worker deciding they are going to continue their work, as a couple.

Look, this is by no means a good movie, but it wasn't made as a good movie. Like I said, the creators of this knew exactly what they wanted to do, how to make the movie, and they nailed it. I highly recommend everyone watch this. It is so worth the minimal time it takes, and it is funny as hell. Watch "Velocipastor". You will not regret it at all. What a dynamite movie. 

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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