An Adult Person Should Stay Far Away from Hostess Fried Pies

This pie here, it is good for all ages

I was driving home from one of my rec league basketball games the other night and I needed to stop for gas. After my games I am usually pretty hungry, even if I have already had dinner. So, when I have an opportunity to get a snack at a gas station, I take it. I do not indulge myself so much since I lost a good amount of weight about 3 and a half years ago, and have been able to keep most of it off. So, when I have an opportunity to eat something that is trash for me, I take it. I had just played a game, and I was running around all day, I figured I had earned something disgustingly unhealthy.

As I roamed the aisles after filling up my car, I came across Hostess fried pies. I used to love these things. I ate them all the time as a kid, and when I got a bit older, I would eat 3 or 4 a month. I only liked 2 flavors, chocolate and lemon. These were the best because they had no real fruit in them. Hostess made other flavors of these fried pies, but they were fruit flavored pies with, what one might assume, actual fruit. The apple pie had apples in it, the cherry had cherries, and so on and so forth. I do not like real pies with fruit in them, so naturally, I went for the fried ones that had zero fruit in them.

The first time I had a Hostess fried pie I had the lemon. It was amazing. It was so sugary and sweet, and that crust, man did I love it. The crust was soft, but it was also covered in a sugar glaze. I could not wait to eat the end pieces. I saved those for last because they were my favorite. After having this lemon fried pie I did not think there was a better snack out there. I used to devour them. I'd get them at the store, buy them at school, and anytime I was at a 7-11, I'd opt for the pie over a Slurpee. There was so much sugar and so many additives and so much fake stuff in this snack. That was what made it so god damn delicious. I remember my mouth puckering when I'd eat it, and after I finished it, I remember all the grit from all that sugar. That was all the Hostess lemon fried pie was. It was essentially 1 pound of straight sugar.

Then, one magical day, I saw that they had a chocolate fried pie. I was over the moon. Just when I didn't think they could outdo themselves, Hostess replaced the lemon filling with chocolate. It was a miracle. And when I had my first chocolate fried pie, it was like eating a gourmet meal. This was even better than the lemon because it wasn't as tart. This was like eating a jelly filled donut except the crust was better, and instead of jelly, it was chocolate pudding. It was the absolute best. I ate the chocolate pies much more than the lemon pies. It got to the point where I was bummed out if my only option was lemon.

Getting back to the other night, I saw these magical pies once again. At first glance all I saw was apple and cherry. But, as I dug a little deeper, there it was, a Hostess chocolate fried pie. I grabbed it and might as well have ran up to the counter to pay for it. I was so excited about eating it I started to unwrap it before I even got back to my car.

As I took the first bite all the great memories I just laid out for everyone started to flood back. It was so good. Nothing had changed. But, as I ate more of the fried chocolate pie, I started to feel sick. I couldn't even finish half of it. It was way, way too sweet. The chocolate filling coated my entire mouth, but not in a good way. The crust was ridiculously sweet. It actually made my skin tingle and I swear my hands were shaking. I had to stop eating this thing immediately for fear that I may be getting diabetes. I did not remember this treat being so sweet, but damn, was it ever sweet. I was pretty upset. How could something I loved so much as a kid, and even a teenager, be so bad now?

Then, once I actually thought about it for awhile, I remembered that I am an adult man. Grown people aren't supposed to eat this garbage. This is a snack no one should eat, except for maybe young kids with incredible metabolism. Young kids can burn this off in a few hours. People my age, it takes days, possibly, a full week. I felt sick the rest of the night. I never came close to throwing up, I just felt off all night. I hoped a good night's sleep would cure what ailed me, but that wasn't the case. I kept getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and I just couldn't sleep solidly. And the next day, I still felt off. I felt sluggish, tired and just flat out lazy. I didn't want to eat any other food either. It was so upsetting.

The moral of the story, now I know that Hostess fried pies aren't for me. Maybe my son or daughter will like them. They are only 5 and 2, so they are still young enough that it shouldn't make them sick. But I urge anyone who is in their mid 30's, stay far, far away from the fried pies. They will only make you regret your decision to try them again. I know because I just went through that pain.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He does not realize that the McDonald's in Hawaii still serves fried apple pies. Those are great fro any age.

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