Ty Ranks the 2018 NFL Teams: The Taste of Day Old Coffee Edition

Today marks the beginning of my third straight NFL preseason preview. I will do the same thing as always, I will do 4 teams a day, going from worst to best, giving a few reasons why I put them where I put them, and how, if they have any shot, they can win the title. No fuss, mo muss. Also, on the ninth day I will do post season predictions, award winners and who I think will play, and win, in the Super Bowl.

Okay, lets go.

At number 32 I have, and who would have thought this, the Cleveland Browns. It is hilarious to me that professional journalists keep saying that this team is finally going to turn it around. I have heard this same nonsense for the past 2 years, and now, it is white noise to me. The Browns are the Browns, and what that is, is a terrible football team. Hue Jackson, while a decent coordinator, is a horrendous head coach. His record these past 2 years you ask, 1-31. That is abysmal. How he still has that job is far, far beyond me. But, the product they put on the field is an affront to football. They lost their best player to retirement this offseason, so it will only get worse for them from here. You may be asking, "who was their best player Ty?". It was lineman Joe Thomas. That is how bad it is for the Browns. Their best overall football player was a 300 plus pound offensive lineman. And enough with the Baker Mayfield hype. I wrote last week how overblown it has already become after one preseason game. He has bust written all over him. They "juiced" up their receiving corps by giving slot man Jarvis Landry is absurd amount of money. I don't even know who their running back is. This offense is a mess. And, it doesn't get any better on the other side of the ball. The defense has some guys, but those guys are either not ready, Denzel Ward and Jabrill Peppers, or too old, or too hurt. This team is a joke of a franchise. They are going nowhere fast. They may have made the overreach of the century taking Mayfield first overall. All you professional pundits that are saying, "this is the year", knock it off. The Browns stink, and if they win 2 games, I would be shocked. They have zero shot of going to the playoffs, let alone the Super Bowl.

At number 31 I have the New York Giants. Again, preseason hype for a rookie needs to grind to a total halt. Yes, Saquon Barkley looked wonderful the other night, but it was a preseason game against the Browns. Don't put too much stock in it. I know Giants fans will say they finally got rid of the problem, head coach Ben McAdoo, but he isn't the problem, and Pat Shurmur sure as hell isn't the solution. The problem is Eli. It really always has been. I know he has won 2 Super Bowls, but it was through no doing of him. His receivers made miraculous catches, and those Giants defenses were some of the best. Eli is trash. He should have retired 3, maybe 4 years ago. He is not a good QB. Others will say, "but Odell is back, and Evan Engram is in year 2". So what. Odell will either get hurt or demand a trade by week 6, mark it down. And Evan Engram is a glorified wideout masquerading as a tight end. He doesn't block, and isn't that great downfield. Also, Eli Manning is "throwing" them the ball, so it doesn't matter how good they may be when it takes decades to get the ball to them. Also, their O line is so awful. The Giants offense stinks. As far as their defense, now that Jason Pierre Paul is gone, I cannot name a single guy, and I watch a ton of football. This team is flat out bad in every phase of the game. I was kind of excited to see what Barkley could do, but then I remembered his line, and then I heard he was in talks to be a punt and kick returner. That is bad, bad news if true Giants fans. This year will be no fairy tale 9-7 season where you limp into the playoffs and somehow win the Super Bowl. They look a lot more like 3-13 or 4-12 team to me.

At number 30 I have the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Now first off, I am pissed at myself for believing in them last season. I thought for sure they were going to take the next step. They did not. They regressed hard core. Jameis Winston stinks at football, and is even worse at life. This dude is just a bad person, and a bad football player. I do not understand why he gets chance after chance after chance. The Bucs need to cut bait now, before it just gets worse. He is an infection. Desean Jackson deserves better. Mike Evans prime is being wasted. They have no run game. They love to punt the ball. The defense, while they have Gerald McCoy, they don't really have anything else. Poor McCoy has to spend his prime on a lower tier football team. He is so good, but he is only one player. He needs help, and the Bucs defense provides him with nothing. They also play in a super competitive division too, so playoffs and Super Bowls are very unlikely. And, Dirk Koetter is somehow still employed by this team. Again, kicking myself that I bought into his hype. He is a shitty coach of a shitty football team with a shitty face of the franchise. I despise Tampa, and this is exactly what they deserve.

My final team for today, at number 29, the Indianapolis Colts. And they are only this "high" because Andrew Luck may, finally, be healthy again. He is throwing a real football at least. They also skirted Josh McDaniels, after he cried his way back to New England, which may be a good thing. I don't know much about Frank Reich, he looks, talks and acts like the definition of milquetoast. But, all that sounds better than some crybaby who couldn't hack in in Denver, goes back home, takes another job, and at the last second decides he isn't ready. Josh McDaniels stinks. Maybe Reich won't be so bad. But after that, it is rough. T.Y. Hilton is still there, and while he is effective, he is so much more suited as a second or third option. Frank Gore is gone, and while he is old, he was reliable as hell. That dude never quit. I do not know who their new running back is. Jack Doyle is fine, as long as Luck is the QB. And the O line is a bit below average, but not horrendous anymore. But, that offense all hinges on Luck. If he is healthy, and can throw a real ball, they will be okay. If he is gone, they will be awful. The defense is a lot like the Giants to me. I do not really know anyone on that side of the ball for the Colts. That may be good, but it seems more ominous to me. They also got lit up against not even very good teams last year. The Colts are not the darlings they once were. They are not playoff contenders anymore. They are the worst team in the division they used to own now. But, and it is a very big BUT, if Luck can stay healthy, they will win more games than many think. And by more games, I mean 5, possibly 6. The Colts are bad, and they will be for awhile.

That does it for today. Come back tomorrow for teams 28-25. Football is almost back.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He thinks it may be time to move the Browns again. Maybe the team could win a game in a NCAA Division III? 

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