Ty Ranks the 2018 NFL Teams: The Morning K-Cup to get the Day Started

Welcome  day 5 of my 2018 NFL countdown. We are pretty much to the point that all these teams will, at the very least, be .500, if not better. I don't particularly think any of these teams will make the playoffs, due to many different reasons that I will state, but they are darn close.

Okay, here we go.

At number 16 I have the Dallas Cowboys. As you all should well know by now, I despise the Cowboys. I always have, and I always will. Jerry Jones is a piece of human garbage, and he needs to get punched in the face repeatedly for many things. He is a phony, a liar and thinks he is a plantation owner. He treats his players as property, not people. Jerry Jones is the worst in a long, long line of terrible men. All 32 owners, for the most part, are terrible rich white guys, but Jerry Jones is the worst. I LOATHE him. Now that that is out of the way, the Cowboys have a very solid offense, but not a great defense. When the defense implodes when a player like Sean Lee goes down, that is a big problem. While he is a fine line backer, he shouldn't be the best player on that side of the ball. That doesn't make for a contender. Their secondary is abysmal. They are the opposite of what the Seahawks were at their height. They give up way too many big plays. Their D line doesn't get much of a pass rush, and that bums me out because I like Taco Charlton. They just aren't that good on defense. They do have a solid offense. Letting Dez Bryant walk may be the best thing they did all offseason. He never lived up to the hype. I do like Dak Prescott a lot. I wish the best for him. He has had a very tough life, he is a good kid, and I wish him nothing but the best. He is already better than Tony Romo is my opinion. Ezekial Elliott is a woman abuser, and an all around shitty person. He is arrogant, cocky and seems like a drag to hang around with. While he may be a good back, all the outside stuff makes me not like him. I have also heard multiple stories from multiple people saying that he is a dick head. I don't like him. The Cowboys O line is very good too. That is why Elliott gains so many yards, and Prescott barely gets sacked. They do have to replace Bryant, but that will be easy enough. What holds this team back is their horrid defense and Jerry Jones. I hope this team continues to lose while he is still the owner. That would be sublime. The Cowboys are plus .500 team, but not a playoff team.

At number 15 I have the team from Washington. Now, I do not thing Kirk Cousins is as good as others do, but to replace him with Alex Smith is baffling. He is just an older, more hit version of Cousins. I know he had a decent year last year, but Andy Reid, while being a horrible playoff coach, is a great regular season coach, especially for QB's. Alex Smith's best days are far behind him. They also already lost their rookie running back to a torn ACL on the third play of preseason. I thought Derrius Guice had a chance to be decent, but now he will miss the entire year. The O line isn't that great either. Smith will get pummeled, and whoever is the running back, they will find it hard to gain yards. They also don't really have many solid receiving threats. Vernon Davis is a million years old. Josh Doctson is a bust. And I don't know anyone else at that position. The defense is so so. They can get a bit of pressure, and they have some solid cover guys. But, they are not much to write home about. I also feel like a guy like Ryan Kerrigan is a bit overrated. Also, while I loved Vita Vea in college, I believe he is hurt too. They won't stop too many people. It is sad to say, but this team will regress because they let Cousins go. Again, I do not think he is great, but Alex Smith is not an upgrade. 8-8 is their destiny.

At number 14 I have the Detroit Lions. First of all, I do not think Jim Caldwell deserved to be fired. He led that team to the playoffs, and they were much mote competitive than they should have been, given the roster. And the hiring of Matt Patricia is questionable. He definitely committed some kind of sexual assault that was covered up, and his "expertise" lies in defense. Well, his Patriots defense got ripped apart all season last year, especially in the Super Bowl. Also, the Lions problems lies with their defense. They are a sieve. Besides Ezekial Ansah, they don't really have anyone else of note. Ansah is great, but no one pays attention to him because the Lions defense is just not good. And I don't think Patricia is the right guy to fix it. He is going to have a tough time. The Lions offense though, they are good. Matthew Stafford is a solid QB. He doesn't deserve the money he is getting, but the dude is solid. He trusts his arm far too much, but he has a great arm. I also thought he was going to regress when Calvin Johnson retired, but he didn't. He has made guys like Golden Tate and Kenny Golladay viable receivers. He uses his tight end, Eric Ebron, perfectly. The Lions don't have much of a run game, and that hurts them in tight games when they need to salt the clock away. The Lions will score plenty, but they will also give up a ton of points. I could see them setting a scoring record, but also giving up a record number of points. I have always had a soft spot for the Lions, because of Barry Sanders, but they just don't have quite enough to be a playoff contender. 8-8 or 9-7 seems right to me.

My final team for the day, at number 13, I have the Houston Texans. This team is being held back by 2 things, the coach and injuries. Bill O'Brien is mediocre at best. He has just failed upwards. Just because he once challenged Tom Brady, Penn State, and now the Texans gave him a head coaching job. He hasn't done much since taking over both spots. He is a poor play caller, and he acts like a real asshole. I wouldn't be shocked, if this team misses the playoffs, if the Texans finally fire him. Injuries also plague this team every year. JJ Watt is never healthy. They cannot keep a running back on the field. They lost their star QB to a torn ACL in a non contact drill at a practice last year. They just cannot stay healthy. Also, their owner, is right up there with Jerry Jones. He is a horrible human being. He is the owner who made the "inmates running the asylum" comment talking about the protests last year. He is the guy that forced his best player, Deandre Hopkins, to walk out of a practice after making those comments. He is a monster. I hope he loses all his money in a pyramid scheme. Now, if the Texans can stay healthy, they should be, at the very worst, second in their division, and fighting for a playoff spot all year. JJ Watt needs to stay healthy, which he hasn't done in 2 years. Pair him with Jadaveon Clowney, who is so great, that is a great pass rush duo. Clowney is so much better than Watt too. He is an amazing football player. Now that known steroid user Brian Cushing has retired, I think that will be better for the defense. Other, younger guys will be able to step in and play. And the secondary is fine. They're not great, but they are solid. On offense, this team has the QB of the future. I have always been a Deshaun Watson fan, and the 7 games he played in last year only furthered how much I like him. He is a very, very good QB. He has the tools to be one of the best. He is a taller, more accurate Russell Wilson. He is a faster and taller Drew Brees. He is awesome. He just needs to stay healthy. Those of us that still watch football need a player like Watson to play because he is so wonderful. Now, he doesn't have much of a run game. He can kind of make that not a problem with his legs, but the Texans need to get a running back worth his salt to help Watson out. What Watson does have is Deandre Hopkins. Hopkins is one of the best in the game. He runs great routes, makes incredible catches and is easily the leader of the team. He is criminally underrated. If Hopkins played on a better team, he would be mentioned with guys like Antonio Brown and Julio Jones. Deandre Hopkins rules. The rest of the receiving corps is fine. But, when you have a number one like Hopkins, that makes the rest of the positon unit look so much better. The O line is blah. But, again, a guy like Watson kind of blurs their problems. The Texans can be very good, like 10-12 win good, if they can stay healthy. But, they most likely won't, O'Brien will make some dumb calls and the owner will divide the locker room at some point this year. The Texans should win, at least 10 games, but I bet they end up 8-8, or 9-7. I hope not because I adore Deshaun Watson, but that is what the Texans do.

That's it for today. Come back next week for the top 12. The best of the best.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He knows that Texas is a big state with some great people. It just really sucks that two of the worst Americans happen to own the two football teams in the state.

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