SeedSing's Dumb Predictions for the Dumb Oscars: 2017 Edition
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It is time for the 89th Academy Awards, and I have a few dumb things I need to get off my chest.
Last year we complained about how idiotic and pointless the Academy Awards have become. The night's top prize did not go to a movie beloved by audiences and critics alike (Mad Max: Fury Road). The Best Picture statue was given to Spotlight, a movie I bet 99 out of 100 people randomly surveyed would say they have never seen. That does not mean Spotlight is a bad movie, it is quite good actually, it just shows that the Academy Awards have no idea what movies are timeless, and truly the best films of the year. People remember Brokeback Mountain as a culturally important, and incredibly great film, while we all remember Crash as the terrible film the Oscars thought was a better movie than Brokeback Mountain. The Artist, The King's Speech, How Green Was My Valley, are forgotten footnotes who only come up in trivia questions, while classics like The Social Network, The Dark Knight, and Citizen Kane are films that get regularly listed as some of the greatest of all time. Even fairly good movies like Dances with Wolves, Shakespeare in Love, and Chicago are hated by people because those films "stole" Oscars that should have gone to Goodfellas, Saving Private Ryan, and The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. In short, the Oscars are dumb, and have been dumb for a very long time.
With that being said, why would SeedSing even do predictions for the Oscars. Because, dammit, we still love to watch movies. We also love to complain when our favorites are not honored. Complaining is awesome. The Oscars are the most watched awards show on television because movies represent the highest form of art in our American society. Movie stars are our royalty, movies are our mythology, and the Oscars bring it all together.
Now presenting the SeedSing predictions for the 2017 Academy Awards.
Best Picture
When the Oscars expanded the field for Best Picture, the intent was to have more audience friendly mainstream movies make the filed. That has not happened. Deadpool should be in the list of 2017 Best Picture contenders, but it is not. The Academy decided that movies like Lion, Hacksaw Ridge, Manchester by the Sea, Fences and Hell or High Water could sit and lose and not excite any new viewers.
Almost everyone thinks that La La Land will win the big prize, and why not. La La Land is a brave risk taking film that is about a white jazz musician, a white actress in LA, and uses classic Hollywood musicals as it's inspiration. How in the hell is that movie not going to win Best Picture. The producers should have just called the movie The 2017 Award Winner for Best Picture. There has never been a movie so focused grouped to what the Oscars award like La La Land. It exists to win the Oscar.
Some think that audience favorite Hidden Figures or indie success Moonlight may be an upset winner for the big statue, but that will not happen. The inclusion, and hope, for these films is just the Academy throwing a bone to the #OscarsSoWhite crowd. A win by either of these films would be justified, but La La Land is the brave tale of white people playing jazz and trying to make it Hollywood. The response to #OscarsSoWhite will be to give the whitest movie the biggest prize. La La Land is going to be 2017's Best Picture winner.
Personal note. My early pick for the Best Picture was going to be Arrival. Everything I heard about this movie made it sound like a better, modern, version of Contact. I was all in.
After I saw Arrival, I take any love back from that movie. It is terrible and incredibly stupid. Do not watch Arrival.
Best Actor
Casey Affleck or Denzel Washington will win this award. The other contenders should practice their gracious clapping after they lose. Casey Affleck was a shoe in for Manchester by the Sea, and then some alleged disturbing allegations from his past started to make the news. The entertainment tried to keep it quite, but the reports kept on coming. Denzel Washington in Fences became the defacto safe pick for people who would not vote for Affleck. Denzel Washington will win.
Another personal thought. If Denzel was accused of what Affleck allegedly has done, Mr. Washington's career in movies would be over. Make your own conclusions to why this is.
Best Actress
Another two person race.
In one corner you have french actress Isabelle Huppert in Elle. She has already won a bunch of awards, is a legend in the business, and is almost universally considered to have given the best performance of the year.
Unfortunately in corner two we have young Emma Stone playing the struggling actress in La La Land. She wins the Oscar
Yet another personal thought. Elle is directed by Paul Verhoeven. I love Verhoeven films like Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers. Elle is not like any of those movies.
Best Supporting Actor
This is the only category where any of the nominees could win. Mahershala Ali from Moonlight has won most of the early awards, and this may be the best award the beloved Moonlight will win all night.
Best Supporting Actress
Viola Davis in Fences. No question.
Other Awards
Best Director - It would be awesome to see Barry Jenkins from Moonlight win and make history, but Damien Chazelle directed the film about the white hero of jazz in LA. Chazelle will win.
Best Original Screenplay - The Lobster is inspired insanity, but it is not about struggling attractive white people in LA. La La Land wins.
Best Adapted Screenplay - Anything except Arrival. Please.
Best Animated Featured Film - Enjoyable remedial meditation on racism that is Zootopia will win. The Batman Lego Movie better damn well win this award next year. I know it will not and I am already irrationally pissed.
The other categories, also known as the speeches you will fast forward through - La La Land will win any category it is in. Just please do not let Arrival win anything. It's sound, design, and cinematography was great, but the actual movie is so bad I do not want it to be an Oscar winner. Please.
Rant over. That is how the 89th Academy Awards are going to shake out from the SeedSing perspective. I will leave everyone with one more prediction. Jimmy Kimmell should do a good job, I hope. Enjoy the show.
RD
RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. Did you like Arrival? How could you, it is terrible. I mean what was the point? I can talk my way to time travel? Why is their gravity different? Do the heptapods ever wear pants? Come tell us.
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