Ty Really Dislikes the Smell of "Entourage The Movie"

This is the only action you should take when presented with "Entourage The Movie"

Every year around this time HBO gets some of the "bigger" movies that were in the theaters less than one year ago. One such movie that I came across last night was "The Entourage Movie".

So, let's get this out of the way right off the top, I loved the first three seasons of that show. That was appointment viewing TV. I loved the concept, I thought the actors were funny, and who was better than Ari Gold? No one, that's who. Then, the show became pretty stale and very repetitive. I also grew up and realized that the show just wasn't as good as I previously thought it to be. I was in my mid twenties by season four, and I realized that this was a fantasy show. This was Mark Wahlberg's life and only Mark Wahlberg can relate to his own life. The show became immediately unrelatable by season four. I didn't care about Vinny getting the role  in the fake Aquaman movie. I didn't care about E becoming a manager. I didn't care about Johnny Drama doing whatever stupid shit he was already doing and I never truly cared about Turtle at all. He was the worst of the four main actors. He had no reason to be there, other than the fact that he was the chubby friend that they could make fun of, that's it.

Although my love for "Entourage had passe, I'd be lying if I didn't say that my curiosity for the movie was peaked when I saw that it was on HBO last night. So, I decided that I would give the movie a try. Why not I figured, maybe it would be kitschy and maybe after all these years, they'd be in on the joke of how ridiculous the idea for this show really is.

Then, the movie started.

Just to let everyone know, I made it through 20 minutes before I gave up on this horrible piece of garbage that these actors, directors, writers and producers made. I cannot believe that all the people involved truly thought that they put out a good piece of work. They had to know it was really, really bad, right? I hope so, but I'm not that sure.

The movie opened with Vinny on a yacht in Ibiza, Spain, so super relatable to anyone watching in their Saint Louis homes. I kid. Of course they have the obligatory shot of many topless young ladies and Johnny Drama speaks the first line of dialogue, and it's the trashiest piece of writing that I've ever heard. He speaks the line, after seeing all the beautiful young ladies on the yacht, "I'm going to have to jerk it at least once before we get to the boat". Yeah, you read that right and yeah, that made the final cut of the movie. From there on out, at least the 20 minutes I watched, was the most homophobic, mimisogynistic and the worst kind of "bro" type dialogue that has ever been on screen. It was appalling at how terrible and how awful all the dialogue and acting in this movie was. It was so, so bad. Some of the misogyny that was portrayed was pretty absurd. All the fellas are sitting down at a breakfast, or some stupid shit, and Eric has to leave to go meet his new girlfriend for breakfast, but all the guys complain that he is "pussy whipped" and ask "why won't you introduce us to this new girlfriend? Is it because she is fat? HAHAHAHA". I mean, come on, do a rewrite before putting this stuff in the ether. Some more misogyny all dealt with Vinny Chase. He gets all the girls and he "hits it and quits it", or so they say. He was married for 9 days, but they all knew that wouldn't last and when asked if they broke it off on good terms, Vinny tells them "yeah, and then we banged one more time for good measure". That is just absolutely awful writing. As I said, how does all this stuff make the final edit. Who are they appealing to with this awful dialogue. The only people who saw this and liked it, in my opinion, has to be frat boys, because frat boys are stupid.

The homophobia was also very, very strong in this movie. They are constantly making jokes at Turtle's expense, because of all the weight loss, that he now must "be gay" because of how he looks. They use the word "gay" so much in the opening act, I was offended. I jut don't get, in the 21st century, why we think we are so advanced as a society, yet this word still gets used in a negative way. The word "gay" means happy, but these script writers clearly have no idea. They use it so derogatory, it was one of, if not the, main reason I quit watching after 20 minutes. The scene where Lloyd shows up and is on the phone with Ari is so offensive, I'm surprised GLAAD hasn't come out against this movie. They may have, but I've heard nothing about it. This movie is offensive.

Moving on to the acting, it is some of the worst I've seen. Adrian Grenier as Vinny Chase is about as vapid as they come. Grenier is supposed to be this guy who cares about Earth and seems to have some kind of truly good feelings, but he is so bad in this role. He has these empty stares and he delivers lines so poorly, it feels like he is reading off cue cards. Being the "star" of this movie, he fails horribly. The guy that plays Eric is about as douchey as they come. He's supposed to be the anti Ari Gold, but he is just as bad, but not as good at his job. He is forever skirting the issue and passing the buck and he never seems to truly care about throwing himself into his new job as Vinny's manager. He is also a complete dick head to the women in his life in this movie. Eric is an awful human being. Jerry Ferrara as Turtle is about as pointless as they come. He is only there now so they can make skinny jokes about him to replace the fat ones from the TV show. You could remove Turtle from this movie and not miss a beat. It would still be awful, but Turtle is about as unimportant as they come. Jeremy Piven is fine as Ari God, but I feel like Ari is just Jeremy Piven in real life. He seems like an asshole that would constantly berate people that don't seem as important to him as they may be. He is a dick head and it's easy to portray that in a dumbass movie like this.

Then there's Kevin Dillon as Johnny Drama. Johnny Drama is the worst human being in the history of the world. He is rude, crude, ignorant and dumb as hell. He is also homophobic, the biggest chauvinist and the "bro-iest" of all the bros in this movie. Don't forget that he is probably close to his 50's in this movie when you watch it(Don't watch it). Kevin Dillon, at least in my opinion, is doing his best Andrew Dice Clay impression, but that would be a slight to Andrew Dice Clay. The Diceman, yeah I said it, at least had his moment and has been decent in some recent things he's done. Kevin Dillon is just a shitty actor and this performance reaffirms this ten fold.

"Entourage The Movie" is one of the most offensive things I've ever seen and I cannot believe that it got made, that it made millions of dollars and that some dumbass critics actually gave it a good review. This movie is absolute garbage, and I gathered that after only 20 minutes.

"Entourage The Movie" stinks.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host for the X Millennial Man podcast. He figures if "Entourage" gets a movie, where in the hell is the big screen adaptation of "Even Stevens". Follow Ty on twitter @tykulik.

Ty wants director Neill Blomkamp to get off the M. Night Shyamalan path

The first step to directing. Keep the film in the can.

I finally got around to seeing the movie "Chappie" this week, and while it wasn't awful, it wasn't that good either.

Dev Patel and Sharlto Copley are serviceable enough in the movie. Copley as the robot Chappie is quite good actually. He does the whole motion capture thing really well and makes Chappie seem life like. I think Copley is a very good actor in fact. I like him in all his roles. Patel is decent as the scientist that created the robotic police force, and while I enjoyed his performance, it was nothing special. It was just okay. My two biggest problems with the movie were Hugh Jackman's performance as the bad guy and the Johannesburg rap duo, Die Antwoord's performance. Jackman, whom I love as an actor the dude plays Wolverine, my all time favorite superhero, does not make a good bad guy. He's too nice of a guy, and for those of you out there saying, Wolverine is kind of a dick, Wolverine is still a good guy in the end. It wasn't for lack of trying on Jackman's part either, that's on the writers and director, he's just too nice of a person in real life, that I don't buy him as the bad guy. It doesn't fit. Die Antwoord's performance was just confusing. I don't know if they're playing themselves in this futuristic world, or if their characters are just big fans of Die Antwoord's music. For example, they each go by their rap names in the movie, and there's, at least two that I can remember seeing, times that Ninja(that's the guy in Die Antwoord) is wearing his own band's merchandise as his wardrobe. I was confused by the whole thing. The two of them aren't very good actors either, which didn't help their case. The movie was very formulaic and you could tell how the movie would end very early in the plot. It was another disappointment from Neill Blomkamp, who I really liked after seeing his first movie, "District 9".

This brings me to my main point and question of my blog today, is Neil Blomkamp the new M Night Shyamalan? Let's start by comparing each director's first movie. Shyamalan came out of the gate and crushed a grand slam with the brilliant, innovative, and probably biggest shock in a movie in my lifetime with "The Sixth Sense". Talk about a great debut. This movie was well written, well acted and perfectly directed. People talked about the ending for years, and "I see dead people" has become as big as "My wife!" or "I knew it was you, you broke my heart"(if you don't know those references, you need to get up to speed people!). Blomkamp's debut was just as unique as Shyamalan's and maybe even more innovative. I'm of course talking about the brilliant "District 9". I remember seeing posters at movie theaters a year before this movie came out that just had a shadow picture of an alien, and the saying, "Humans not allowed". I was immediately intrigued by this and found out any and all information I could about this upcoming alien movie. As more previews and clips came out, I got more and more excited. I saw the movie on opening night, and it not only live up to my expectations, but it exceeded them.

"District 9" takes place in Johannesburg and there's a race of aliens, known as "prawns" living in the slums. They're treated as second class citizens, and in his film debut, Sharlto Copley plays a wet behind the ears, yet eager police officer. He goes into the "prawns" area to extract and arrest some that are stealing from the humans. He gets poisoned by an alien and slowly starts to turn into one. It is so awesome to watch his character's transformation into an alien and the movie has a great secondary story about how higher class people treat people they feel are below them. If you haven't seen "District 9" stop reading this, watch it, and then come back and finish reading this, That movie is so great.

Unforunately, at least in Blomkamp's case, the same can't be said for his second movie, "Elysium". Another good premise about the upper and lower classes in society, but this movie just didn't work for me. Matt Damon was miscast as a working class, former bad boy trying to turn his life around. Jodie Foster plays the leader of the higher class people living on the rich planet Elysium, and she's your typical, bitchy rich lady that only cares about the high society folks and can do without the poor people. She also sports a terrible South African accent. It's so bad. I mean, it's terrible. The only person I enjoyed in this movie was Copley. He plays a bad ass assassin for Foster's character and he's awesome. He's a great bad guy and he kicks total ass. But, he cannot save this movie. It's just not a good movie.

Shyamalan's second movie, "Unbreakable", I personally like more than "The Sixth Sense". It's a cool, pseudo superhero movie that I feel is criminally underrated. Bruce Willis is on a train that has a brutal crash and he's the only survivor. He actually comes out unscathed. Samuel L Jackson plays a big comic book guy and he's very intrigued by Willis' character and the fact that he did not even get a scratch in the train wreck. They team up and do some cool, super hero type stuff. It's a really good movie and I highly recommend watching it.

I've already mentioned Blomkamp's third, and most recent movie, "Chappie". You all know how I feel about that. After the success of "The Sixth Sense" and the high of making "Unbreakable", Shyamalan's star was going up, and it was never going to come down. Or so we thought. He followed "Unbreakable" with the god awful, Joaquin Phoenix and Mel Gibson bomb of a movie "Signs". That movie sucks, but hey, you can't hit a home run every time. Certainly his next movie would be better, it had to be. Once again, nope, he made "The Village" and that movie is worse than "Signs". I think it's Nicolas Cage's version of "The Wicker Man" bad. That movie is confusing and awful. He followed that up with "Lady in the Water". You know that movie about a mermaid, or some bull shit, that a guy finds in his pool and she of course has special powers. So, three stinkers in a row. Was this a sign of things to come, or was he just in a slump? His next movie would determine his fate in my opinion. He had the great un fortune of deciding to put out "The Happening". You know this movie, the one were plants come to life and make people kill themselves and Mark Wahlberg plays a scientist and calls himself a douchebag at one point. This movie was so bad that I convinced a group of about eight people to walk out. A movie we all paid for, and we didn't stay for the whole thing. I'd never done that before, but that's how bad that movie is. His next two movies did nothing to prove me wrong, that he was past his prime. He released the horrendous "Last Airbender" and the stupid and contrite "After Earth". Both these movies are just plain awful. "The Last Airbender" is so bad that fans of the anime won't even acknowledge the movie as part of the series. That's pretty telling. Shymalan is now dabbling in television with the mini series "Wayward Pines", and while it started interesting, I didn't finish it because it was way to boring and falling into Shymalan's routine of posing way too many questions that there's no way they could all be answered in ten, one hour episodes.

While I feel that Shymalan's fate is sealed as a director(he peaked early and is now no good), I think there's still hope for Blomkamp. He's only made three movies. "District 9" is, by a wide margin, his best movie, but while I didn't like either "Chappie" or "Elysium", at least "Chappie" was a bit more interesting and a touch better than "Elysium". I hope for his sake he's not turning into Shymalan, but the way it's going now, that's what I unfortunately see happening.

Time will tell I suppose.

Ty 

Ty is the Pop Culture Editor for SeedSing and co-host of the X Millennial Man podcast. In the upcoming movie about SeedSing, Ty will have to wear Die Antwoord gear. Follow him on twitter @tykulik