Ty Really Dislikes the Smell of "Entourage The Movie"

This is the only action you should take when presented with "Entourage The Movie"

Every year around this time HBO gets some of the "bigger" movies that were in the theaters less than one year ago. One such movie that I came across last night was "The Entourage Movie".

So, let's get this out of the way right off the top, I loved the first three seasons of that show. That was appointment viewing TV. I loved the concept, I thought the actors were funny, and who was better than Ari Gold? No one, that's who. Then, the show became pretty stale and very repetitive. I also grew up and realized that the show just wasn't as good as I previously thought it to be. I was in my mid twenties by season four, and I realized that this was a fantasy show. This was Mark Wahlberg's life and only Mark Wahlberg can relate to his own life. The show became immediately unrelatable by season four. I didn't care about Vinny getting the role  in the fake Aquaman movie. I didn't care about E becoming a manager. I didn't care about Johnny Drama doing whatever stupid shit he was already doing and I never truly cared about Turtle at all. He was the worst of the four main actors. He had no reason to be there, other than the fact that he was the chubby friend that they could make fun of, that's it.

Although my love for "Entourage had passe, I'd be lying if I didn't say that my curiosity for the movie was peaked when I saw that it was on HBO last night. So, I decided that I would give the movie a try. Why not I figured, maybe it would be kitschy and maybe after all these years, they'd be in on the joke of how ridiculous the idea for this show really is.

Then, the movie started.

Just to let everyone know, I made it through 20 minutes before I gave up on this horrible piece of garbage that these actors, directors, writers and producers made. I cannot believe that all the people involved truly thought that they put out a good piece of work. They had to know it was really, really bad, right? I hope so, but I'm not that sure.

The movie opened with Vinny on a yacht in Ibiza, Spain, so super relatable to anyone watching in their Saint Louis homes. I kid. Of course they have the obligatory shot of many topless young ladies and Johnny Drama speaks the first line of dialogue, and it's the trashiest piece of writing that I've ever heard. He speaks the line, after seeing all the beautiful young ladies on the yacht, "I'm going to have to jerk it at least once before we get to the boat". Yeah, you read that right and yeah, that made the final cut of the movie. From there on out, at least the 20 minutes I watched, was the most homophobic, mimisogynistic and the worst kind of "bro" type dialogue that has ever been on screen. It was appalling at how terrible and how awful all the dialogue and acting in this movie was. It was so, so bad. Some of the misogyny that was portrayed was pretty absurd. All the fellas are sitting down at a breakfast, or some stupid shit, and Eric has to leave to go meet his new girlfriend for breakfast, but all the guys complain that he is "pussy whipped" and ask "why won't you introduce us to this new girlfriend? Is it because she is fat? HAHAHAHA". I mean, come on, do a rewrite before putting this stuff in the ether. Some more misogyny all dealt with Vinny Chase. He gets all the girls and he "hits it and quits it", or so they say. He was married for 9 days, but they all knew that wouldn't last and when asked if they broke it off on good terms, Vinny tells them "yeah, and then we banged one more time for good measure". That is just absolutely awful writing. As I said, how does all this stuff make the final edit. Who are they appealing to with this awful dialogue. The only people who saw this and liked it, in my opinion, has to be frat boys, because frat boys are stupid.

The homophobia was also very, very strong in this movie. They are constantly making jokes at Turtle's expense, because of all the weight loss, that he now must "be gay" because of how he looks. They use the word "gay" so much in the opening act, I was offended. I jut don't get, in the 21st century, why we think we are so advanced as a society, yet this word still gets used in a negative way. The word "gay" means happy, but these script writers clearly have no idea. They use it so derogatory, it was one of, if not the, main reason I quit watching after 20 minutes. The scene where Lloyd shows up and is on the phone with Ari is so offensive, I'm surprised GLAAD hasn't come out against this movie. They may have, but I've heard nothing about it. This movie is offensive.

Moving on to the acting, it is some of the worst I've seen. Adrian Grenier as Vinny Chase is about as vapid as they come. Grenier is supposed to be this guy who cares about Earth and seems to have some kind of truly good feelings, but he is so bad in this role. He has these empty stares and he delivers lines so poorly, it feels like he is reading off cue cards. Being the "star" of this movie, he fails horribly. The guy that plays Eric is about as douchey as they come. He's supposed to be the anti Ari Gold, but he is just as bad, but not as good at his job. He is forever skirting the issue and passing the buck and he never seems to truly care about throwing himself into his new job as Vinny's manager. He is also a complete dick head to the women in his life in this movie. Eric is an awful human being. Jerry Ferrara as Turtle is about as pointless as they come. He is only there now so they can make skinny jokes about him to replace the fat ones from the TV show. You could remove Turtle from this movie and not miss a beat. It would still be awful, but Turtle is about as unimportant as they come. Jeremy Piven is fine as Ari God, but I feel like Ari is just Jeremy Piven in real life. He seems like an asshole that would constantly berate people that don't seem as important to him as they may be. He is a dick head and it's easy to portray that in a dumbass movie like this.

Then there's Kevin Dillon as Johnny Drama. Johnny Drama is the worst human being in the history of the world. He is rude, crude, ignorant and dumb as hell. He is also homophobic, the biggest chauvinist and the "bro-iest" of all the bros in this movie. Don't forget that he is probably close to his 50's in this movie when you watch it(Don't watch it). Kevin Dillon, at least in my opinion, is doing his best Andrew Dice Clay impression, but that would be a slight to Andrew Dice Clay. The Diceman, yeah I said it, at least had his moment and has been decent in some recent things he's done. Kevin Dillon is just a shitty actor and this performance reaffirms this ten fold.

"Entourage The Movie" is one of the most offensive things I've ever seen and I cannot believe that it got made, that it made millions of dollars and that some dumbass critics actually gave it a good review. This movie is absolute garbage, and I gathered that after only 20 minutes.

"Entourage The Movie" stinks.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host for the X Millennial Man podcast. He figures if "Entourage" gets a movie, where in the hell is the big screen adaptation of "Even Stevens". Follow Ty on twitter @tykulik.