Is this the End of Sports?

Currently the French Open is on going, tomorrow night is the NBA Finals and then the Stanley Cup Finals begin on Thursday. Both leagues and international professional tennis did not get the most optimal matchups and the sports media will not shut up about it. “Ratings will be down” they say, “the gambling community is not happy” they cry. I personal believe the last point the sports media cries about, gambling, is why clean competitive sports is coming to an end. Let me explain.

In the NHL and NBA both playoffs saw a strong team from New York not make the finals, in the NBA the Knicks missed the conference finals when they were upset by the Indiana Pacers. The Dallas Mavericks did not have to play the defending champion Nuggets to advance, they got to face the young upstart Minnesota Timberwolves. In the NHL the defending champion Las Vegas Golden Knights were bounced in the first round by a big market Dallas Stars team, then Dallas was knocked out by the lower seeded Edmonton Oilers. Over in the east the little thought about Florida Panthers advanced to their second straight cup final over the massively loved New York Rangers. The biggest market to have their team playing for a championship is Dallas or Miami, and Dallas is a football town and most of you readers probably did not know the Florida Panthers played in Miami. For ratings and gambling, these matchups are not the best. Also the French Open, Novak Djokovic, the man everyone wants to watch, withdrew today with a knee injury. This is all not according to plan.

I listen to a lot of sports radio and I follow these sports personalities on social media. I hear each and ever “expert” complain about the matchups and then do an ad read for a gambling website. The studio show for the French Open is sponsored by Fanduel, the hockey and basketball arenas are covered with gambling adverts and every other commercial is telling you to bet. It is annoying and it is getting a little scary because if gambling means this much to the leagues, then getting optimal matchups, with the most popular teams and players, it means more money.

Before I go on I want to make it clear that I am not calling for a ban on sports gambling. I do not gamble myself, but is not for addiction or moral reasons, I just don’t like to spend my money that way. What I am afraid of is that all of our sports leagues/governing bodies have prioritized revenue more than competition. That is why in the span of less than five years we have gone from zero gambling to non-stop advertisement. I have no faith that the NFL, NBA, MLB, ATP, the Grand Slams, NASCAR, the NCAA, the IOC, FIFA, MLS, LIV Golf, or any other letter salad sports organization would take an opportunity to fix an income to drive more revenue towards their sport. I have no proof, but I think it is already happening. (When I have proof I’ll write about it here).

I am ranting here today because the last few days has been non-stop complaining from the sports media on the state of competion in our current professional leagues. The sports media is their for the management of these leagues, so anything they say can be directly tied to management. Seeing how greedy billionaires have become, and it is billionaires that run these leagues, I have little faith that competion will be important in sports moving forward. Only money will matter and getting rid of competition so management can make another couple of million dollars will win out.

When the French Open ends, the NHL Stanley Cup is hoisted, and a new NBA champ is crowned, the media people will complain on behalf of the league and the gamblers. The narrative will be set. The owners will discuss how to increase revenue, and competitive sports will be killed. I hop I’m wrong, but I am truly afraid the process has already started.

RD

RD Kulik is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing.com

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I've Got 15 Things to Say About this Serena Williams Naomi Osaka US Open Final

Like many others, I have some… thoughts on the whole Serena Williams/Carlos Ramos/US Open Final kerfluffle.  The universe (especially the Twitter-verse) is awash in incredibly simplistic takes.  These fall into two very shouty camps.  I’ll paraphrase briefly.  Camp Ramos:  “The umpire was completely right, Serena Williams was being a bully and a brat and how dare she sully the sanctity of our sport with her “thuggish” (subtext: black) behavior.”  Camp Serena:  “Carlos Ramos, the USTA and everybody is totally sexist and racist and DON’T YOU DARE criticize Serena because she is heroic and perfect and always right about everything.”

Frankly, the only person who got out of this unscathed is US Open Champ Naomi Osaka, who seems like a charming young woman who played breathtaking, dominant tennis for 2 weeks, and does not deserve to have her moment overshadowed by this.

Unlike many (most?) of the Hot-Takers mentioned above, I actually watched this disaster unfold in real time, not just reviewing the highlights.  So let’s all take a breath, and realize that many things can be true at once.  I’ll list out some of these true things here:

1.       Serena Williams has been subject to a lot of racism.  There are too many examples to list, but the recent dress code announcement by Roland Garros was the latest.  She and her sister weren’t the first black tennis players, even in the modern game, but they are of a different stripe.  They weren’t raised by well-off upper class parents like Chanda Rubin, or James Blake, or more recently, Sloane Stephens.  They brought with them some cultural stuff that a sport like tennis did not accept without a lot of growing pains.

2.       I’m not black.  I can’t begin to understand what the Williams sisters’ success (and Serena’s in particular) mean to the broader black community.  I am a woman of color, but I realize it’s not the same.  I understand the instinctive defense of Serena when she seems to be under siege. 

3.       Carlos Ramos is an umpire with a solid reputation.  He has officiated finals at all four Slams without incident.  He is fair and professional, but does have a reputation for being strict.  He has called time and coaching violations on Nadal, Djokovic, and many others.  Saturday’s coaching violation shouldn’t have been totally unexpected.

4.       Nothing happens in a vacuum.  Earlier this tournament, Mohammed Lahyani caused an officiating stir of his own, when he climbed down from his umpire perch to give a pep talk to a tanking Nick Kyrgios.  The uproar was instantaneous, and the consensus was that Lahyani was too accommodating with Kyrgios.  He was subsequently relegated to outer court doubles matches.  I’m sure Ramos was aware, and that may have factored into his decision to play it totally straight and not give any “leniency” to any player, no matter how famous.

5.       By the letter of the law, Ramos was totally in the right.  Whether you agree with these rules or not, coaching is illegal.  Racquet abuse is illegal.  Personal insults at the chair are illegal.  Code violations accrue.  Strike one, warning.  Strike two, point penalty.  Strike three, game penalty.  And on and on.  John McEnroe was once defaulted from the Australian Open for verbal abuse of an umpire.  Serena is not new here.  She knows the rules.  Maybe better than most, since in 2009, she lost to Kim Clijsters by getting a code violation on a match point.  (More on that later.)

6.       As a practical matter, Ramos DID have some leeway in how he dealt with the situation.  He could have given her a “soft” coaching warning, without it being an official code violation.  During her extended rant, he could have warned her about an impending game penalty if she kept attacking his character.  He could have, but he didn’t, and now here we are.

7.       Serena’s character was not impugned by Ramos.  First off, the behavior that was flagged was her coach’s.  Said coach, Patrick Mourataglou, admitting he was coaching.  Secondly, there’s no stigma attached (probably because, as Patrick noted, everyone does it).  It’s like speeding.  It’s illegal, it sucks to get caught, everybody does it, and nobody thinks you’re a horrible person because of it.  For Serena to blow it up into a personal attack on her integrity and character is ridiculous.

8.       Naomi Osaka’s win does not have an asterisk next to it, so people can just stop with that right now.  Osaka outplayed Williams from the get.  The reason Patrick was signaling in the first place was because Serena was getting beaten.  The racquet smash was precipitated by Osaka breaking Serena’s serve.  The extended rant at the chair was preceded by another service break.  She was losing, and didn’t have an answer.  The game penalty awarded to Osaka was on Osaka’s service game, which she had been holding fairly easily anyway.

9.       Serena has a pattern at the US Open of blowing up at officials when she’s losing.  See above, re: Clijsters in 2009.  Also, she was very much losing the 2011 final to Sam Stosur when she was legitimately called for a hindrance, and she yelled at the umpire again.  And again in 2018.  Three times is a pattern, and it doesn’t reflect well on Serena.

10.   Naomi Osaka handled the pressure like a boss.  First off, she came out fearless and swinging away against a 23 time champ, her idol, and the ESPN narrative favorite.  Later in the match, she handled Serena’s increasingly graceless behavior with her typical poker face.  At 5-3, after a lengthy and emotional interruption in the match, she basically let Serena have her service game, and then calmly and coolly served out the match at 5-4, throwing in a couple of totally unreturnable serves for good measure.  Those are the nerves of a future Hall of Famer.

11.   There is much to admire about Serena Williams.  As noted before, she’s dealt with a lot of ugly behavior from a lot of quarters over her years.  She’s had two brushes with death and been remarkably candid about motherhood and childbirth.  She works harder than anyone else on the tour.  She’s a 23 time Grand Slam champ, not just through talent, but though grit and determination and hard work.  She’s the toughest competitor on the tour.  Even when she’s down, it’s often foolish to count her out.  In recent years, her fiery persona has been tempered by maturity and little more graciousness and sportsmanship.  Again, there’s a LOT to admire.

12.   Little of this was on display on Saturday.  Serena behaved appallingly.  She stole the moment from Naomi Osaka, and made that match and the narrative about herself.  Even her supposedly “gracious” moment, telling the crowd to stop booing, was followed by a “We’ll get through this.”  Again, Serena, it’s not about you.  A truly gracious speech would have noted Osaka’s brilliant play, and asked the crowd to cheer her win.  Maybe it’s too much to ask for Serena to have her head together enough to do that, but asking the crowd to stop booing is pretty much the LEAST she could have done. (The one moment that touched me was the sisterly and protective way she put her arm around Osaka.  I’m not made of stone, people.) 

13.   The Arthur Ashe crowd should feel shame.  Even if you’re booing Carlos Ramos and the USTA, how do you think Osaka felt?  It broke my heart when Osaka apologized for winning.  She just won the biggest match of her life, and you people make her APOLOGIZE?  I have never heard anyone apologize for winning a sports championship.  No way.  Naomi, you have nothing to apologize for.  You deserve it, congratulations, and here’s to many more.

14.   ESPN, Chase, Nike, the USTA, and all the other sponsors and Serena boosters should also feel shame.  They contributed to this environment by making the whole two weeks all about Serena’s comeback/dominance/invincibility, etc.  When that narrative was shattered by Osaka’s exceptional play, neither Serena nor the crowd could handle it emotionally.

15.   The USTA and WTA’s subsequent statements are awful.  They have fully thrown Carlos Ramos under the bus, and I think they should have backed him up.  In sports officiating, I’m a proponent of enforcing the rules as written.  If you don’t want a rule enforced, change it.  In the final analysis, Ramos followed the rules as written, and was punished for it.  That’s totally unfair to the entire officiating community.  What happens next, when Maria Sharapova or Rafa Nadal or another big name throws a tantrum?  The official message to umpires is now “disregard the rules and let it go, because the minute there’s public outcry, we won’t support you.”  That’s bullshit.

As I said before, all of these things are true, and they don’t contradict each other.  It’s possible to recognize that Ramos did his job, and still think that the rules are silly.  It’s possible to have great admiration and respect for Serena, and still think she behaved very badly during the final.   It’s possible for the crowd to get wrapped up in ESPN’s narrative, and still behave gracefully when the outcome doesn’t match up.  It’s possible to think Naomi Osaka is totally awesome and… there’s nothing else to say about that! 

Sorry, I do have one more thing to say. Congrats to Naomi Osaka, future Hall of Famer.

Tina S

Tina is a sometime contributor to SeedSing and occasional guest on the X Millennial Man Podcast. Want to hear what Tina has to say on the topic of the 2018 tennis Grand Slam Season? Check out the latest edition of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

We made a twitter for Tina, go follow her @TinaSeedsing

Why Do We Love the Sports We Love?

The other day I was chatting with my dad about sports. With football about to begin, we were naturally talking about Michigan’s upcoming season. We were chatting about our concerns, what we liked and what we expected. This conversation turned into something so much more for me than just Michigan football though. It got to a point where I asked my dad when I truly started to root for the Wolverines. I was curious how, and why, I came to truly love this team more than any other “favorite” team of mine. I wanted to know why I was so much more invested in them than anyone else.

My dad told me that he used to sit me down and watch games with me. Apparently I was very interested in why my dad loved this team. I wanted to be just like him, so I guess it was just natural for me. One of my earliest memories, I was probably my son’s age, is sitting with my dad and him pointing out Bo Schembechler to me and telling me how great of a coach he is. It is burned into my brain. I am certain that was when my love for Michigan started, and it has only grown since.

We then started to talk about fandom, and where it comes from. This led to a conversation about why people get into the sports they get into. For me it’s simple. I have always wanted to be like my dad, so I watched and played what he coached and played. Baseball was easy. Football was glorious to watch. And basketball was like a ballet. I fell in love with these sports immediately because my dad loved them. As time went on, baseball started to fade. As I am growing older now, the NFL is becoming harder and harder to watch. Basketball is still great to watch, but I prefer playing it. But college football has been the one constant. It’s pretty much the same for my dad.

We then started to talk about my son, who says he loves Michigan, but I can only get him to watch for about an hour before he gets bored. But, he loves baseball. He loves to go to games, he will watch it on TV and he plays it passionately. I feel like he got that from me. I loved it just as much when I was his age. But, my daughter, who will be 3 in a few months, has no interests in the sports I watch or play. She does love her gymnastics class though. That is where she is happiest. It’s her thing and she’s good at it. I have no idea where it came from. I never did it. My wife never did it. And our son only likes baseball. Where did she get her love for gymnastics? I know my nieces did it, and seemed to enjoy it at the time, so maybe that’s where it comes from. Still though, kind of odd.

Then I started to think about my brothers and their kids. I also thought about my friends and their kids too. What will/are they into. My oldest brother’s oldest daughter is a volleyball player. Where did that come from? He played college football and was a great baseball player. So it didn’t come from him. But his wife is hyper athletic, she’s the one that got me into running, so maybe it came from her. I’m sure she played volleyball at one point in her life. My wife played it for a minute in high school too. Their younger daughter is more into basketball. I’m certain she got that from me. She has seen me play a lot. But that’s it for her. Other than basketball, I don’t think she really cares about sports. RD’s son likes tennis, which makes sense knowing his wife, and enjoys golf, again, makes sense knowing his grandparents on his wife’s side. But, he also LOVES NASCAR. No one in our family watches NASCAR. I can’t get into it, my parents don’t watch it and I know RD has never really watched it. So, where did his love for NASCAR come from? I don’t know if I will ever know. My other brother doesn’t have kids, but he was one hell of a football and basketball player. I’m sure he got that from our dad, but in reality, he’d rather go to a concert than a sporting event. That’s how he’s been since I was 17. He got me into live concerts.

Then some of my friends with kids, their kids are all over the place. Some like football. Others, baseball and basketball. But some like hockey and lacrosse and soccer. Their parents never really showed a love for those sports. But, their kids are way into it. I know hockey and soccer are big in Saint Louis, which is baffling to me. But where did lacrosse come from? That is so far out of left field. My own guess is, kids will like what their friends like, or play, for the most part. They just want to hang with their friends. Then you have some kids like me, that like whatever their folks like. Then you have the outliers, like my nephew, or friends kids that love lacrosse, that they just like something for no other reason than, they think it’s cool.

I’d love to see a scientific study as to why we fall in love with the sports that we do. But for now, I’m just going to go with what I know. But, I do think this is a very interesting thought exercise. I hope to hear from some people telling me why their kids like the sports they like. Let me know.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He is looking forward to the day his grand kids are all about Rollerball and Muggle Quidditch. What a future we will live in.

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It is Time to Rename Margaret Court Arena

Margaret Smith Court, for those of you who don’t know, is an Australian former tennis player who holds the current record for major singles titles (24, one ahead of Serena Williams).  Although many of these titles occurred prior to the open era, it’s still a very impressive achievement, one that certainly might merit getting a stadium name.  In 2003 the 3rd largest show court at the Australian Open was named for her, after lobbying from, among others, Billie Jean King. That should have been the end of a nice story. 

Unfortunately, Mrs. Court (as I’m sure she’d prefer to be called) is also a hateful, homophobic, trans-basher who is extremely vocal about her views.  Here is a partial list of her idiocies:

Boycotting Qantas for being too gay friendly.

Calling transgender people the work of the devil

Complaining that tennis is full of lesbians, and suggesting that lesbians were trying to convert younger players

Claiming the “gay lobby” is trying to convert children through an Australian anti-bullying program.  Choice quote:  “Everybody knows it’s wrong, but they’re after our young ones.”

Attacking Aussie tennis player Casey Dellacqua after she and her partner welcomed another child.

Advocating conversion therapy through her Pentecostal ministry

No one is denying Court’s right to her opinion and her religious beliefs.  No one is suggesting she should be censored.  But that doesn’t mean we have to celebrate her either.  One of my bucket list items is to attend the Australian Open one day, and I would have a queasy feeling going into Margaret Court Arena.  I can’t imagine being a gay player and having to perform at my peak there.  Sounds pretty unwelcoming.

There are those who say that after 24 majors, one’s legacy should be “safe.”  Should it?  We didn’t consider Joe Paterno’s legacy safe once Jerry Sandusky’s abuse came to light.  Pete Rose’s standing in the public eye has been rightfully tarnished by his behavior, and I say this from my perch in Cincinnati.  What are we going to name after Tiger Woods?  Likewise, many athletes’ legacies reach beyond their results (Roberto Clemente and Muhammad Ali come to mind).

These people are still humans, and when we’re deciding, as a public, which athletes to admire, it has to be about more than stats and championships.  I don’t think that’s a controversial statement.  Even in tennis, the USTA’s National Tennis Center in New York is named for Billie Jean King.  Its premier stadium is named for Arthur Ashe.  If the idea were just to honor the most successful retired American players, they would be named for Chris Evert and Pete Sampras.  But the USTA recognized that King and Ashe have legacies that resonate beyond sports. 

So, here’s a suggestion to Tennis Australia, the Australian Open’s governing body:  rename the arena for Evonne Goolagong.  Goolagong was a major Aussie talent in her own right, with a 7 majors in singles and 7 in doubles.  In addition, Goolagong is from an Aboriginal family and weathered discrimination both in her childhood and her career.  (In a truly vomit-worthy move, in 1972, the South African government named her an “honorary white” so that she could play there.)  After retirement, she continues to work for opportunities for Aboriginal children. 

I can’t imagine anyone feeling uncomfortable or unwelcome at Evonne Goolagong Arena.  Your move, Tennis Australia.

Tina S

Tina is a sometime contributor to SeedSing and occasional guest on the X Millennial Man Podcast. 

We made a twitter for Tina, go follow her @TinaSeedsing.

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A Brief Thought On ESPN and Tennys Sandgren

I don’t want to talk about alt-right mediocrity Tennys Sandgren.  I’m hoping his 15 minutes are over and within the year he’ll be back to anonymity on the challenger circuit and I won’t see him again.  Unfortunately, I certainly WILL see Chris Fowler again, and his defense of Sandgren (toward the end of his loss to Chung) was truly revolting.  If Fowler defends Sandgren because ESPN is desperate for another American star, well… I’ll just say if Sandgren is just breaking the top 100 at age TWENTY-SIX, then it’s unlikely he’ll ever set the world on fire.  If Chris Fowler is actually sympathetic to Sandgren’s views, he can get the hell off my TV right now. And for that matter, Patrick McEnroe, your mush mouthed objections are lame.  Do better.  ESPN can bite me.

Tina S

Tina is a sometime contributor to SeedSing and occasional guest on the X Millennial Man Podcast. 

We made a twitter for Tina, go follow her @TinaSeedsing.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing

Let Me Explain Why Roger Federer is the Best Athlete of All Time

Time for some real talk about tennis

THESIS:  Roger Federer is the greatest athlete of ALL TIME in ANY SPORT anywhere.  I dare anyone to prove me wrong.

Point #1:  Roger Federer is the greatest tennis player of all time.  He is inarguably the greatest male tennis player of all time.  Now, people will argue for Serena Williams, and I will grant that they have a point (ed note: check out our podcast where I make that point).  However, my thoughts on Serena’s lack of quality competition are well documented, and I will not bore everyone by repeating them here.  During Fed’s record shattering run of 19 major titles, he has been challenged by two of the very best players to ever play the game (Nadal & Djokovic each have over 10 majors).  With due respect to Chris Evert, the only other candidates for best tennis player ever are Steffi Graf, and Martina Navratilova.  Graf retired at 29, and longevity has to count for something.  Martina had a long career, in both singles and doubles, but most people think that singles is where it counts, and Fed now has Martina beat by 1. 

Point #2:  Unlike bowling/poker/billiards/Nintendo, tennis is a real sport.  You can be an overweight smoker and still win at those other activities in the modern age.  Tennis requires peak physical conditioning to perform at the highest levels.

Point #3:  I’m ruling out athletes in sports like running and swimming.  In those sports, you are playing against the clock, not against your opponents.  If your opponent cannot DIRECTLY affect your performance, I’m not counting you in the greatest athlete race.

Point #4:  What about Tiger Woods?  He doesn’t have the longevity.  Also, see point #2: overweight smokers have won major golf titles. 

Point #5:  What about cycling?  See Ty’s piece on “Tour de Pharmacy.”  There has never been a whiff of cheating or PED’s with Federer.  I’ll retract this point if it’s ever proven with him.

Point #6:  Tennis is an individual sport with no coaching permitted during matches.  You only win if you, individually, are better than the guy across the net.  In other sports, you have teammates to help you carry the load.  As great as an individual basketball player is, there are 4 other guys on the court to help him, and he can talk to his coach.  A great quarterback needs a good offensive line and some other skill players.  Great pitchers aren’t getting you anywhere unless the other guys can field cleanly and score runs.  Federer, by contrast, has to switch from offense to defense and back, often during the same point.  He has to work through the strategy, keep himself mentally sharp and engaged, notice his opponent’s strategy, and adjust on the fly, all without talking to another person.  And he might have to do that for 4 hours or longer, seven matches in a row in order to win a major title.

Point #7:  Federer has been in the very top echelons of his sport for FIFTEEN YEARS.  He has played a full schedule for 14 of those years, and the tennis season is ridiculously long, going from early January to mid-November with a grueling travel schedule.  The fact that he has remained healthy for nearly that entire time is remarkable.  He took his first major injury layoff in 2016, after racking up 17 majors.

Point #8:  Show me an athlete in a non-judged sport that shows the supreme physical grace of Federer.  At his best, he never even looks like he’s running.  To quote our friends at Deadspin, “…Federer’s desperation looks a little better than the other people’s very best.”

Point #9:  What about Secretariat?  Uh, let’s restrict this conversation to bipeds.  Also, see point #3 above.

Point #10:  The guy is committed to getting better.  After 19 majors, so many weeks at number 1, gallons of ink spilled, thousands of inane questions from the sports press, and 4 kids, he STILL seems to be enjoying himself.  And after missing the last half of 2016, he came back with a new and improved backhand.

Bonus Point:  For all Fed’s arrogance, he’s never a huge ass to his opponents.  He doesn’t whine.  He doesn’t discredit.  He doesn’t stink of violence against women or animal cruelty or drunk driving or being a bigot.  In short, in addition to being a the greatest athlete ever, he is not a garbage person.

Game, set, match:  Federer.

Tina S

Tina is a sometime contributor to SeedSing and occasional guest on the X Millennial Man Podcast. She is unaware of the grueling toll it takes on a person's body to drink that much Mountain Dew and eat that many Doritos while competing in online video game competitions.

We made a twitter for Tina, go follow her @TinaSeedsing.

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Ty spends some time in heaven watching "7 Days in Hell"

There are spoilers for the HBO film "7 Days in Hell". Go watch and come back to read Ty's review.

I got around to watching "7 Days in Hell" the other day and it was pretty hilarious.

"7 Days in Hell" is a mockumentary style HBO Sports movie. It stars Andy Samberg as American bad boy tennis pro Aaron Williams and Kit Harrington as the far too wound up, immature English tennis pro Charles Poole. The movie was about the longest tennis match in the history of Wimbledon. The match took seven days, hence the name "7 Days in Hell", with no winner. The path the writers and actors took to get to this match was quite funny. "7 Days in Hell" reminded me a lot of the Will Ferrell and Jon Heder movie "Blades of Glory", except these two pros don't become teammates or friends, they hate each other. They respect each other, but they really do not like each other at all. The movie started by giving Aaron Williams back story, revealing that he was abandoned by his parents, only to be found and adopted by Serena and Venus Williams father. Serena Williams played one of the talking heads in the movie and she was very funny, taking her role very seriously. Aaron Williams learned tennis on the streets of Compton and rose through the ranks all the way up to number two in the world. On the precipice of winning his first Wimbledon Final in 1995, Williams was cruising through the championship, until one of his powerful serves knocked a linesman unconscious and caused him to have a heart attack and die, right there on the court. Will Forte, who played another talking head, writer Sandy Pickard, said that there was a silver lining in the linesman dying, it produced the fastest serve in the history of tennis, clocking in at 175 miles per hour. I found that extremely funny. This death caused Williams to lose the match and he walked away from tennis after shoving the Duke of Kent, played by Howie Mandel.

We next get Charles Poole's back story. When he was a three year old, his mother, played by Mary Steenburgen, pushed him into tennis and forced him to play and practice constantly. In some "home" videos you can clearly hear him say, "I don't like tennis". His mom was undeterred and Poole continued to play tennis against his will and he too, rose the ranks all the way to number two in the world, taking over Williams spot after he disappeared. When Poole was 15, he appeared on a British sports talk show, hosted by Caspian Wint, played fantastically by Michael Sheen, and when asked if there was a better tennis player than him on Earth, Poole replied with a simple, "No".

This seemed to go by without anyone noticing, but in a Swedish prison, where Williams was staying after a failed fashion career and being caught with PCP, saw it on the TV and escaped prison just so he could play Poole in the upcoming Wimbledon. On day one, we learn that all the tennis players have sponsorship deals for the clothes they wear, but Williams didn't currently have one. That's when Lanny Denver, president and CEO of Jordache, played hilariously by Lena Dunham, stepped in and made Williams an all white denim tennis outfit. Needless to say, the clothes were a nightmare and coupled with Williams terrible playing, Jordache pulled the deal. You think this may have ended the match, but rain put day one on hiatus, with Poole winning the first set 6-0. Things all seemed well for the Englishman, but with added pressure from the Queen, played by June Squibb, Poole was coming undone. Day two showed Williams storming back, playing the best tennis of his life. People weren't sure where this spectacular play was coming from, but it appeared that Williams was doing copius amounts of cocaine from many different places on and around the court. Williams came back strong to tie it up. With both players being tied and no one winning match point, the match lasted eight hours each for the next two days with no winner. Day four looked to be Poole's chance to take the match, with Williams running out of gas and steam. But, two streakers came on to the court, one male one female, and Williams had a three way that lasted so long, the match had to be postponed for another day. That night, it was revealed that Williams was in an accident and his shoulder was separated. This looked to be the end for Williams, but he played the entire day left handed and just when it looked like he was finally going to lose, his close friend David Copperfield appeared out of nowhere onto Poole's shoulders. A magic trick gone wrong explained Copperfield with a wink. This being in Poole's head, the constant threat of someone landing on his shoulders out of nowhere, gave Williams another chance and the match went to day six. Before starting play, Williams held a press conference claiming he found out that his real father was from England and he was the greatest English tennis pro, clearly only doing this to mess with Poole's head. There was also the reveal of a sex tape between Williams and Poole's ex girlfriend, model Lily Allsworth, played by Karen Gillan. This only further screwed with Poole's head and he could not get the win over Williams. Williams ineptitude playing tennis, after being away from the game for six years, caused him the inability to get the win as well. We get to the seventh day, the day everyone hoped and prayed the match would end. There were plenty of great rallies and pretty decent tennis being played. All the stuff Williams had been doing to Poole all week finally boiled over and Poole challenged Williams to a fight. With the acceptance and go ahead from the Queen, the two players charged the net with their rackets being held like weapons. They met at the same time and hit each other simultaneously. They each went down and it was revealed that they instantly died. The match never ended with a winner. People felt that these two were such great competitors, that they should be buried in a casket together. The movie also featured the likes of, Fred Armisen, Chris Evert, John McEnroe, Soledad O'Brien, John Hamm as the narrator and, the funniest one in the movie in my opinion, Jim Lampley. If you don't know who Jim Lampley is, he's a sports talk show host on HBO and he constantly made jokes about how none of this story really mattered because tennis is a stupid sport. He was hilarious.

I highly recommend checking out "7 Days in Hell". It's very funny.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for Seed Sing. He has played tennis, it was 7 minutes in hell. Follow him on twitter @tykulik