Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" Gamesmasters, Synthoids, and Pyramids of Darkness
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Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.
Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.
Need to catch up? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
Today I present part four of my countdown of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Enjoy.
#27: “The Gamesmaster”
Original Air Date: October 21st, 1985
“Watch this Coco, it’s a real ho ho.”
The Gamesmaster
The first, and last time we ever meet the Gamesmaster.
A weird fellow with a strange clown capture Flint, Lady Jaye, the Baroness, and Cobra Commander. Lady Jaye is captured while she is a dressing room presumably getting undressed, and the Baroness is in a bikini. The Baroness stays in the bikini the rest of the episode. The four are transported to a strange toy land like island to play a game for their host. All the toys are actual weapons, and the goal of the game is to be the last one alive.
Outside of the Gamesmaster island, the Joes and Destro learn they need to work together to save their respective comrades. The four captives, mainly Cobra Commander, keep trying to get one over on the other team. With the forces of the Joes and Cobra working to save their friends, The Gamesmaster is defeated.
The Good:
A weird episode in a good way. Awesome Flint and Cobra Commander character development.
The Bad:
The last time we see the Gamesmaster. We could use more of the common Joe and Cobra antagonist.
#26: “In the Presence of Mine Enemies”
Original Air Date: November 19th, 1986
“Let me guess, that’s what went wrong.”
Slipstream referring to a monster
An episode all about the adventures of the Conquest pilot Slipstream.
The Joe fighter jet pilot is recording a tape with Cobra’s missile code on it, and then he gets into a dogfight with a few Firebats and Night Ravens. With one Night Raven left, Slipstream gets shot down. The lady Cobra Night Raven pilot tries to finish Slipstream, but unfortunately, she gets stuck on an island that Dr Mindbender is trying to destroy with BATs.
Why destroys the island?
Well, there is a genetic Cobra monster living there.
Many a back and forth between Slipstream and the Cobra pilot, yet in the end they work together to escape the exploding island. The two pilots get on a Tomahawk. When Lifeline asks Slipstream if the Cobra pilot is a recruit or prisoner, the Night Raven pilot tears off her Cobra patch and throws it into the ocean.
The Good:
Slipstream is optimistic, resourceful, and heroic. The marks of a good Joe. Awesome backstory with the Cobra Night Raven pilot.
The Bad:
Honestly a great episode. Not many other Joes and Cobras is the one mark against it.
#25: “Lights, Camera, Cobra”
Original Air Date: October 1oth, 1985
“Duke wanted all the oddballs out of his hair for a few weeks.”
Shipwreck
The show starts out with a classic Joe vs Cobra battle, yet something is not right. The look and voices are not quite what we are used to see. Lo and behold this is the set of a movie all about GI Joe.
Movie Director George Landsburg, a first appearance of a recurring character, wants real action with real equipment. A few Joes get sent to the set to act as advisers. Cover Girl is sent out to babysit a few shady Joes like Shipwreck, Recondo, and Dusty. Shipwreck gets in a bar fight where he and Cover Girl get arrested. Recondo and Dusty get caught out in the dessert because they get into a racing contest with Zartan, who the Joes think is an actor with a big mouth.
In the end the Joes trick Cobra into a real battle, and the director gets the real action he wanted.
At the premier, George Landsberg thanks the people most instrumental in the film’s success, his parents. Shipwreck, in his tux, is pissed and is going to “murderlize” the director.
The Good:
A lighthearted episode with good character work and world building.
The Bad:
A whole lot of stupidity from Cobra and the Joes in this episode
#24: “Where the Reptiles Roam”
Original Air Date: October 18th, 1985
“I should have known she was no real Texas peach. She was too sweet. Everyone knows we grow our peaches sassy.”
Wild Bill
Cobra has a dude ranch in Texas, and the Joes need to find out why. Lady Jaye, Wild Bill, Bazooka, and Alpine go undercover as the Austins. The family in charge of the dude ranch, the Joads, seem friendly enough, especially their daughter Mary Bell who takes a shine to Wild Bill.
The Joads are actually a bunch of Cobras, and they are wreaking havoc with the undercover Joes. Crazy bulls attack Bazooka and Alpine, a burr in the saddle for a horse that Lady Jaye is riding, things are crazy for the Joes.
While all these shenanigans are going on, Cobra gets control of a local solar farm that they use to create a heat wave weapon. The weapon stops all Joe vehicles, so the team attacks the dude ranch on foot. Wild Bill finds out his new belle is actually the Baroness. The Cobras escape and the Joes stop Cobras weapon.
The Good:
A Wild Bill focused episode. Great, and humorous, action.
The Bad:
Another episode with a bunch of Joes making stupid decisions.
#23: “Eau De Cobra”
Original Air Date: November 6th, 1985
“No Flint you have made a mistake for even you are not immune to Eau De Cobra.”
The Baroness
Cobra steals a tablet from the British Museum and send Firefly to steal a plant (jackal’s bane) from Antarctica. The Joes figure out that Cobra is creating a love potion. When they ask tabloid reader Short Fuze who is the world’s most eligible bachelor, he replies that it is shipping magnate Socrates Airtes. Makes sense.
Flint and Lady Jaye attend a party on Airtes yacht, and the Baroness happens to be there to seduce the rich man. She uses Eau De Cobra, and the rich man is smitten. When caught, the Baroness uses the perfume on Flint. He falls for the Baroness, and Destro is quite jealous.
Fights happen, the perfume bottle falls into the ocean, Joes and Cobras fight underwater, and a crab runs away with the perfume bottle. Up top, the Baroness escapes, and Socrates Airtes pledges to remain single.
The Good:
A fun adventure with good character work concerning the relationships of Flint and Lady Jaye and Destro and the Baroness.
The Bad:
Destro’s jealousy really screwed this up for Cobra.
#22: “Hearts and Cannons”
Original Air Date: November 14th, 1985
“There she is. The chick.”
Footloose
HOT TAKE ALERT: A few words on the sexism in this episode. It was 1985 and I was ten years old when I fist saw “Hearts and Cannons. I remember it for being fun and having Dusty in it. As an adult I watched it and thought to myself, gee Dusty and Footloose sure are sexists.
The truth is, I think the mild sexism from Dusty and Footloose is meant to show how outdated their thinking is. Dr Winters is accomplished, does not take crap, and never falls in with one of the Joes. I think this kids cartoon in 1985 was more progressive in handling accomplished women than most so called prestige shows of the modern era.
On to the plot.
Cobra is causing havoc in a desert nation. Footloose, Dusty, and a mauler tank have to bail out of a Joe cargo plane into the desert. Footloose and Dusty land near a Cobra weapons testing area with Destro working on a plasma cannon with a Dr Winters. The two Joes save Dr Winters, first name Nancy, and try to get away. The two Joes also argue about who Nancy fancies the most.
After some misadventures in a mine field and across the dessert, Footloose and Dr Winters get caught and Dusty is lost in the dessert. The person who catches Footloose and Dr Winters, Jamal, is a man angry at Cobra and he has the mauler.
Dr Winters knows how to defeat the Cobra plasma cannon. Footloose, Dr. Winters and Jamal find Dusty. The two Joes, along with the mauler, defeat the plasma cannon. Cobra retreats.
Later that night, Dusty and Footloose learn that Jamal is the king of these lands. He gives the two Joes medals, and then invites Dr Winter to tour his palace. Dusty and Footloose loose Nancy to King Jamal.
The Good:
An episode that features the laid back (stoner) attitude of Footloose, and the cocksure heroic attitude of Dusty.
The Bad:
Some people may say the sexism from the two Joes. I say not. If I had to say anyhting bad, I would say that Destro seems hell bent on killing his own troops. That is out of character for our metal faced villian.
#21: “Cobra’s Candidate”
Original Air Date: October 11th, 1985
“With you on our side Mr. Harper, we can simply make Cobra’s goals into laws.”
Cobra Commander
A note on the episode. Some stories carry more weight because of personal reasons. My personal reasons is why I rate “Cobra’s Candidate” so high. I have worked in local politics most of my adult life. I know these types of political races. With this being said, the episode is a great Cobra plan and a great episode.
There is a small municipal election going on with candidate Robert Harper being attacked by gangs from his political rival. The reality is that Harper is secretly with Cobra. They are making him into the martyr so he will get votes. The gang does not know this.
Lady Jaye and Scarlett try to convince the gang leader, Pilar, that the Joes are trying to help. After a few battles, and a nearly killed brother, Pilar believes the Joes. Harper is found out, and dramatically loses the election. He got two votes. One from Tomax and one from Xamot.
The Good:
Great misdirection through the episode. This is a solid Cobra plan, trust me.
The Bad:
The gang story is featured more than it should be. It is kind of a boring.
#20: “Lasers in the Night”
Original Air Date: October 22nd, 1985
“Say, you’re my kind of girl. Where did you learn those moves?”
Quick Kick
Quick Kick gets a girlfriend.
In the beginning we meet two college girls, Amber and Sandy. Sandy is boy crazy, but Amber just wants to help people.
At a G.I. Joe sponsored martial arts show, Amber and Quick Kick meet and fall for each other. They go to the baseball game and the ballet, but Amber wants more. She wants to join G.I. Joe.
During a tour of the Joe headquarters, Amber hears a bunch of things. At the same time, Cobra has captured Lady Jaye and the Baroness is impersonating the Joe leader. Things go south for the Joes, and Duke thinks Amber may be a spy. At the same time, Amber is trying to infiltrate the Cobra island base on her own to prove she is not a spy. Quick Kick goes to capture Amber, finds out she is not the bad guy, and fights alongside Amber and the Joes to stop Cobra Commander’s nefarious plan.
What was that super evil plan? Cobra Commander is using a laser to carve his face into the moon.
The Good:
One of the greatest, and stupidest, Cobra Commander plans ever. Awesome personal story for Quick Kick.
The Bad:
Again, this is a stupid plan by Cobra Commander. Amber is never seen again.
#19: “The Million Dollar Medic”
Original Air Date: October 2nd, 1986
“Bri, I’m a medic. My job is healing.”
Lifeline
HOT TAKE ALERT: Lifeline is one of the best characters in the second season of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”, and this episode proves it. Before I started this project, I was not looking forward to the Lifeline episodes. I remembered him as being whiney and a wimp. That is not true. Throughout the second season the development of Lifeline is well thought out and I will stand up for the Joe pacifist everyday of the week and twice on Sundays.
This episode shows why Lifeline belongs on the GI Joe team. The pacifist medic spends the whole episode trying to heal, not fight.
During a Cobra attack on a factory and yacht in the Bahamas Lifeline saves Bri Van Mark, an heiress to a fortune. Bri is smitten with Lifeline. She buys him a fancy uniform, a special swiss army knife, and a solid gold chopper.
The problem is that Cobra wants Bri’s father to sell his business to Cobra. Van Mark industries has a division that makes weapons. Cobra is going after Bri to kidnap the heiress.
After many adventures, one in which Bri kidnaps Lifeline, the Joes stop Cobra’s assault. The episode ends with Bri and Lifeline kissing on the battlefield.
The Good:
This is the episode that shows why Lifeline is here. He may not carry a gun, but he is one smart, and compassionate, Joe. He is heroic. Also, Bri is a great character.
The Bad:
Bri does not think things through. She causes a whole lot of damage. We also never see her again.
#18: “Excalibur”
Original Air Date: November 1st, 1985
“That sword, it’s invincible. I must have it”
Destro
The Joes are in England. We know this because we see Big Ben and the white cliffs of Dover.
The Joes have some equipment that will make an anti-Cobra satellite system. A fight ensues, and the Cobra Ninja Storm Shadow crashes into a lake. This lake happens to be home to the Lady of the Lake, and she is guarding the legendary sword Excalibur. Storm Shadow takes the sword, and the local weather starts going haywire. A local man, named Beemish by the way, tells the Joes that the weather is crazy because someone has taken the sword Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake.
While Storm Shadow is ripping through the English countryside with Excalibur, Destro gets jealous of the Cobra Ninja’s sword. Footloose is doing good work for the Joes, but he gets captured. The English town gets flooded due to Destro’s cold and wandering mind. There is a big fight at the Cobra HQ featuring Storm Shadow, Spirit, and Quick Kick.
In the end, Spirit’s eagle Freedom gets a hold of Excalibur and returns it to the Lady of the Lake. The weather breaks and the Joes send Cobra running. The Joes also save a cat and help rebuild the flooded village.
The Good:
A really cool story and one of the few episodes that heavily features Storm Shadow.
The Bad:
There is some unsettling action with Quick Kick thinking Spirit has native American “spiritual” powers.
#17: “Skeletons in the Closet”
Original Air Date: December 11th, 1985
“Where have I seen that face before?”
Lady Jaye
The episode that makes cannon that Lady Jaye and Destro are related.
The action starts out with Destro saving a lady Cobra soldier, and the Baroness is not happy with her beau flirting with another woman. Later, Destro is saved by a mysterious woman. He dines with this mystery lady and claims that the Baroness is a confused woman who he is not attached to.
Over to the Joe part of the story, Lady Jaye learns that she has inherited a family castle in Scotland. The castle first seems haunted, then we find out a cult is hanging out in the basement. Lady Jaye goes to investigate and gets caught by the cult. The cult is going to sacrifice Lady Jaye to a beast in the well. One of the cultists stop the sacrifice, and we learn that Destro is here because it is his family’s castle.
Flint shows up to save Lady Jaye. There is fights with cultist, a fight with a giant spider, and the Joes come to rescue their comrades. The castle is destroyed. Destro learns that the mysterious woman is the Baroness, who is upset that Destro dismissed her earlier.
In the end, we see the beast under the wreckage of the castle. We will return to the beast later.
The Good:
Great world building, plus the cliffhanger at the end is payed off. Also, Lady Jaye was a revelation to me and all young men watching this cartoon. Beautiful and deadly.
The Bad:
Why did we not explore the family connection between Lady Jaye and Destro more in the future. A great plot point we never went back to.
#16: “Twenty Questions”
Original Air Date: October 2nd, 1985
“I wonder if there is an Emmy in this for me?”
Hector Ramirez
The introduction of television personality Hector Ramirez, the host of “20 Questions”.
Hector and his crew are doing an expose on the GI Joe team. One member of Hector’s entourage seems to think GI Joe is a waste of taxpayer money and Cobra is a hoax. Shipwreck is getting annoyed with the crew and decides to show them that Cobra is real. He takes them all in a Dragonfly to a Cobra base.
Things go south when they are shot down and caught. Also, the member of the crew who is questioned G.I. Joe, that person turns out to be the Baroness.
Cobra Commander is intrigued by Hector’s show and agrees to be interviewed. With the distraction, Shipwreck plans an escape. On the way out a bunch of itching and laughing gas is set off. The hysterical Joes and “20 Questions” crew escape to find the rescuing Joe team.
Hector is so happy, and affected by laughing gas, that he professes his love of G.I. Joe and kisses Duke.
The Good:
Hector Ramirez is one of the greatest minor reoccurring characters. The Cobra Commander self-love is awesome.
The Bad:
How in the world is Shipwreck not court martialed and in prison for this?
#15: “Cobrathon”
Original Air Date: October 6th, 1986
“A tele-thon, a Cobra-thon to be exact.”
The Crimson Twins
Cobra has a computer virus that will blow up the main computers at all the major law enforcement agencies around the world. During a mission to find out Cobra’s plan, Lifeline and Sci-Fi are captured.
Cobra decides to use the computer virus to hold a tele-thon for the world’s criminals so the snakes can raise $5 billion dollars. The Baroness is hosting in a lovely long black sequined dress. Destro tries with the bad jokes and gets so mad at the terribleness of the writing that he shoots the cue cards. Mindbender has dressed up in a tux, but he still has his signature cape. Lifeline and Sci-Fi are used as entertainment in a series of gambling like games that are life threatening.
The Joes figure out by the types of games, that the Cobrathon is in Reno Nevada. While a Joe team led by Flint save Lifeline and Sci-Fi, another Joe team led by Mainframe stops the computer virus.
By the way, the Cobrathon still does hit the $5 billion dollar goal.
The Good:
Very tense and action-packed episode. The Cobra’s trying to entertain is priceless entertainment.
The Bad:
Cobra Commander is relegated to a non-speaking background role as a person answering phones. I wanted to see a tuxedo Commander doing a lounge singer act.
#14: “Raise the Flagg”
Original Air Date: October 20th, 1986
“The name’s BA Lakar to you.”
BA Lakar
Cobra is working in the ocean around the wreckage of the USS and Flagg and the Cobra Heli-Carrier. The two giant ships sank back in the episode “Computer Complications. Cobra wants the anti-matter pod in the wreckage.
Going into the deep ocean, Roadblock, Leatherneck, and Wetsuit reach the wreckage along with Zartan and his siblings Zarana and Zandar. On the wreckage, the two enemy teams discover growing vegetation and the sultry sounds of the Cobra hit music single “Cold Slither”. The Joe and Cobra squads are then ambushed by a group of BATs that are led by BA Lakar, the last surviving member of Cobra.
Lakar sank with the ship(s) and assumed Cobra was defeated. He is crazy. He makes his prisoners work and he tries to execute a few. Roadblock convinces Zartan that the two enemies have to work together to survive.
A battle breaks out on the ocean surface between the Joes and Cobra. The battle has damaged the sunken vessels and they are about to be destroyed. A well-placed hit on the head for BA Lakar has made the old crazy Cobra cook come to his sense. Roadblock’s team along with Zartan’s team use the antimatter pod to power the Cobra Heli-Carrier engines to raise the USS Flagg to the surface.
Once out of the water, Zartan and crew try to double cross the Joes to steal the anti-matter pod. Unfortunately, the fast rise out of the pressure filled depths of the ocean has given Zartan, Zarana, Zandar, Roadblock, Leatherneck, Wetsuit, and BA Lakar the bends. The Cobra’s painfully escape, and the Joes along with Lakar go into a decompression chamber.
General Hawk gladly accepts Lakar into the ranks of the Joes as Leatherneck and Wetsuit fight over a game of cards.
The Good:
Love the continuity in the episode. The world of BA Lakar is well thought out.
The Bad:
Outside of Wetsuit, who is really qualified for this mission. The Joes have plenty of deep sea/ocean dudes, and Lady Jaye, and Cobra has the Baroness with diving experience. This was not the right crew for either team.
#13: “The Synthoid Conspiracy”
Original Air Date: October 7th, 1985
“Synthoids, worship me.”
Cobra Commander
A two-parter that has huge implications to a classic episode later in the run.
Zartan has developed a technology that lets Cobra create copies of people out of a gray substance. These copies are called synthoids. Cobra uses a GI Joe training mission to replace many of America’s high military command.
With the synthoids in command, GI Joe starts to get defunded by the US government. Also, Duke has been captured by Cobra and replaced by a synthoid. A few Joes rebel, which leads to Quick Kick being imprisoned, and Junkyard going AWOL with Mutt.
To be continued.
In part two, the Joes are in a state of confusion. Thankfully Destro is here to help. He is mad about Zartan creating a Destro synthoid and he wants revenge. The Joes no know about Cobra’s deception.
In an attack on the Cobra base, Scarlett gets wise to the synthoid Duke. After a big battle, synthoid Duke and real Duke fight it out. Cobra Commander accidently melts all the synthoids, including the imposters in the US Military.
The G.I. Joe team gets a triumphant reinstatement ceremony form a thankful US government.
The Good:
This is the best Cobra plan ever. It would have been perfect if…
The Bad:
… Cobra’s own, Destro, did not ruin the plan. Why does Cobra have a problem being a well-functioning team?
#12: “Grey Hairs and Growing Pains”
Original Air Date: October 14th, 1986
“I don’t know, there is something strange about this place Flint.”
Gung-Ho
Sparks is back.
Cobra steals a youth treatment from skin care magnate Madame Versaille. Soon, many social influencers are using the youth treatment.
The Joes ask their old teammate Sparks, who has left the military and is working in Hollywood, about who is behind the treatment and who uses is. It seems that Extensive Enterprises is the money behind the madness. Their product, it is called Ageless Care. The Joes are going to get to the bottom of this.
After being turned away by celebrities, via rampaging elephants and angry football players, the Joes make their way to the Ageless Care facility in Southern California. Lady Jaye, Mainframe, and Dial-Tone head to the Steam Room. Flint, Gung-Ho, and Sci-Fi go to the Sunroom.
Unfortunately, Cobra knows that their visitors are Joes, so they trap them. The Sunroom makes all the Joes old; the Steam Room makes them all kids. Also during an escape, a young Lady Jaye gets her pants blown off.
The elderly and kid joes try to figure out a way to reverse the aging process. One of the celebs who Cobra double crossed helps the out of age Joes. They find the Cobra Ageless Care base. A battle breaks out, Zarana spots a kid Mainframe and helps him because of her feelings back from “Computer Complications” Mainframe finds the reversing room, comes back as regular adult Mainframe, and thwarts the Cobra’s.
All the Joes get fixed, but Lady Jaye has no pants, so her adult self is showing more than she would feel comfortable showing.
The Good:
Well told and plotted story. Funny and action packed. Sparks is back people.
The Bad:
The end is very rushed. Why are the celebs so violet to the Joes?
#11: “The Pyramid of Darkness”
Original Air Date: September 16th-20th, 1985
“It’s now or never boys. Yo Joe.”
Satin
There were four five-part GI Joe miniseries.
This is the best.
No debate.
The greatest iteration of the GI Joe carton was made whole in this series. The Crimson twins are added. Polly is brought into the fold. Dusty shows up. Alpine and Bazooka meet Quick Kick to add three more great characters.
The plot is also the best of the four mini-series. Cobra has taken over a satellite and set control cubes to make a Pyramid of Darkness. Under this pyramid, no electronics work. Cobra is successful, initially.
While in the Cobra underground of Enterprise City, Shipwreck and Snake Eyes meet up with a friend, the singer Satin, and they escape to save the day. Plus, this series has the great song “The Cobra that Got Away” and we get Snake Eyes breakdancing. Is that not enough. We also get Snake Eyes dancing while he is decked out in a loud dress.
A ton of great action surrounding the placing of the cubes. Cobra’s plan really does work. Alpine yodels in this series, twice. The fatal fluffies are strange and awesome. Also, I need to say it again, Snake Eyes breakdances, and later wears a gaudy dress. All incredible. This was the series that truly made way for the show we love.
The Good:
This is truly the beginning of the great run of the G.I. Joe cartoon. Plus, I need to remind you, Snake Eyes breakdances and is in a dress. It is epic.
The Bad:
We see Satin again, however it is in a throwaway role as Lowlight’s sister’s friend in “Glamour Girls”. We also later hear “The Cobra that Got Away” in Joes night out. We needed more Satin in the G.I. Joe world.
Come back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of our countdown of “G.I.Joe: A Real American Hero”.
RD
RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.
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