My Toys Are Too Expensive

Yo Joe

I need to start the conversation and say that I am a 49 year old man. I have a wife, a mortgage, and a teenage son. I go to work with adults, I drive my family to weekend outings, and I eat in restaurants where I get served. I am a typical middle aged American man. Same as it ever was. Having said all of that, I also need to spend less money on toys.

Now when I say I need to spend less on toys I am not talking about things for my fourteen year old. I am talking about my toys. And before you start to giggle because you think I am talking about “adult toys”, calm down pervert, I am talking about toys you find in the toy aisle of stores. I’m talking Hot Wheels, action figures, and Lego’s. These are my toys and they are to damn expensive.

When I was a kid Star Wars and G.I. Joe figures were my main jam. Anytime I went to the store with my parents, I would always ask to get a new figure. It did not always work, but I did amass a pretty good collection. Then a few years ago Hasbro announced a premium line of six inch G.I. Joe’s, the Classified Collection, Star Wars had had their premium line The Black Series for a while. I always thought the Star Wars Black Series figures were overpriced and never went to get any of them, but G.I. Joe I was interested. The Classified Series came out and was priced at $20 a figure, and then not long after the price jumped to $24. I had major sticker shock. I could afford a figure every now and then, but I kept asking myself should I pay that much, I mean I am in my late forties.

I did pay that much. Right out of gate I found a Cobra Commander and I had to have him. When the Shipwreck figure was announced, I pre-ordered it. Today I own thirteen G.I. Joe Classifieds. Thats over $300 on action figures. Again, I’m a grown man.

Also, I play with these figures. Many contemporaries I know are collectors and get these premium figures and keep them in the box. Not me. The moment I get my figure I tear open the box. My Cobras all sit on my office desk, my Joes take up various poses on a display shelf in my home studio. I switch gear, make new poses, and try on every accesory ever few days. While I work, I do sound editing, I will fiddle with a figure to kill some time. And I did not stop with G.I. Joe. In the last few years I have bought a He-Man, Skelator, and Fisto (gotta have a Fisto), I have collected special edition Hot Wheels of The Simpsons Car, the flying time machine from Back To The Future and multiple Batmobiles, and I have a few Transformers led by my Hot Rod with The Matrix of Leadership. I have even gone back to the Star Wars well to get figures of Ashoka Tano and Clone Wars Yoda. All in all I have probably spent well over $500 to hold and pose action figures I loved as a kid.

I know I am lucky that I can go out there and spend money on something frivolous like an action figure modeled to be like the one’s from my youth. I just know that the price tag on these indulgences has given me pause. I wanted the Serpentor Classified figure, but I cannot find it for less than $100. Not going to make that purchase, I do have limits. Yet I know that one of these days these toy companies will find that right nostalgia point in my brain and make me forget the cost. I hope to be strong, but you never know.

Did Hasbro just announce an Iron Grenadiers figure? Sorry I have to go a place a pre-order.

RD

RD Kulik is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing.com

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Ranking the Opening of Every Original "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" Cartoon

I have said this before and I am going to say it again, “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” was a big part of my childhood. The episodes aired on weekday afternoons in suburban St. Louis. I would rush home from school to watch my favorite toy line have adventures on my television. The next day my friends and I would talk about G.I.Joe, play with our G.I. Joe toys, and talk about what new G.I. Joe toys we wanted. I was more obsessed with G.I. Joe than I was even with Star Wars. I am still obsessed and even ranked all 95 episodes of the original Sunbow series. Today I’m going to rank the opening credits/song of the first Sunbow run.

Let’s get to it.

#5 The M.A.S.S. Device miniseries

First things first, all of these openings are great. The biggest thing that hurts the first miniseries is that it is the first. The creative geniuses working on the GI Joe cartoon would always find ways to improve the opening, and they did.

With that being said, this opening is still great. It introduces you the concept, the characters and even clearly tells you the enemy is “Destro and Cobra". truly a classic.

#4 Arise Serpentor Arise - Season 2

The dawn of a new era in GI Joe, the reign of Serpentor.

This opening, like it’s predecessors, is heavy on the action and the characters. Actually, there may be a pit too many characters. Still great and when you saw this opening you knew exactly what era of Joe you were getting.

#3 The Revenge of Cobra

The Revenge of Cobra was the second miniseries and saw the introduction of classic characters like Shipwreck, Flint, Lady Jaye, Zartan, Strom Shadow, and many others. All these new characters get great action moments throughout the intro. What places this opening ahead of the others is the great flamethrower morphing into the series title. Greatness all around.

#2 First Season

Yes the first season of GI Joe was after the third miniseries, that is not a typo.

What an opening. The line of Joe vehicles, the massive Cobra airship, all the punching, this is probably the greatest opening to a 1980’s cartoon, or any other cartoon, ever.

Nothing beats this intro, except…

#1 The Movie

The end of the Sunbow era brought the greatest cartoon intro ever made. The song slaps, the action kicks, the patriotism punches you in the gut. I just wish the movie that followed was as great as this opening.

Yo Joe.

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" The Top Ten

Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.

Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.

Need to catch up? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

And now, enjoy the exciting conclusion of my rankings of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”.

#10: “Once Upon a Joe”

Original Air Date: October 1st, 1986

“I don’t know any kids’ stories.”

Shipwreck

In battle with Cobra to get the McGuffin Device, the Joes inadvertently destroy an orphanage. No orphans were destroyed, just their house.

While rebuilding the orphanage, Shipwreck gets roped into telling a few of the foundlings a story. His story is a fairytale featuring a few of the Joes, Shipshape (Shipwreck), Leatherhead (Leatherneck), Frogface (Wetsuit), and DaDuke (Duke). The story is imagined with a different looking animation style than the regular GI Joe shows. A few Cobra’s along with Scarlett and Cover Girl also make an appearance in Shipwreck’s story.

While Cobra, in the real world, is trying to get the McGuffin Device back, Leatherneck has to take over the story. He is terrible at telling stories. Shipwreck, out to check on something for Beachhead, is knocked out by Zartan, and the Cobra master of disguise makes himself up as the Joe Sailor. The kids find Zartan/Shipwreck and ask him to continue the story. Zartan/Shipwreck’s story is all about the bad guys winning. The kids are suspicious and venture out to find the real Shipwreck.

The kids succeed and real Shipwreck, in his underwear, uses the McGuffin Device. The characters from Shipwrecks story come into reality and defeat the Cobras. We learn that the McGuffin Device changes reality based on the mind of the user.

The orphanage gets rebuilt, and Shipwreck stays to give the story a happy ending.

 The Good:

An awesome Shipwreck episode. The episode is also kind of emotionally touching. The McGuffin Device, genius writing.

The Bad:

Shipwreck in his underwear around kids. Not a comfortable situation.

#9: “The Traitor”

Original Air Date: November 25th and 26th, 1985

“I may be hard up, but I’m no traitor.”

Dusty

This is an incredible two-part story about family, and heroism, centered on one of my favorite G.I. Joes ever.

The GI Joe team has a new armor treatment impervious to Cobra lasers. Cobra Commander wants this armor treatment, and he sends out the Crimson twins to find a way to get the formula.

At the same time, we learn Dusty’s mom is sick and her bills are piling up. Coincidently, Extensive Enterprises owns the debt of Dusty’s mom. They offer Dusty a trade; the armor treatment and they will forgive the debt. Dusty is against it at first, in fact he causes a redneck bar brawl when the Crimson Twins first offer him the deal, but he later agrees to give Cobra info on the Joe’s operations in exchange for money to pay down the debt.

After a few times of Cobra stopping the Joes, Duke tells Flint that Dusty is a traitor and the Joes are going to trap him. The trap plan goes south when Duke is knocked out and hospitalized and in a coma. Dusty is court-martialed, and on the way to prison when Cobra saves the fallen Joe.

To be continued.

Part two starts with Hector Ramirez of “Twenty Questions” recapping episode one. It is truly an incredible way to catch up the viewers

When the action picks up, Dusty is in a Cobra uniform working with the snakes. The former Joe fights and saves a Cobra soldier in a flooding arena of sport with piranhas. Dusty leads Cobra on a few missions to get chemicals for a mind control gas. Dusty also hands over the armor treatment to Cobra Commander.

During a mission where Dusty leads Cobra, Shipwreck, Lady Jaye, and Flint are captured, and Cobra Commander is going to have Dusty gas the prisoners with the mind control chemical. In a bit of reversal. Dusty gasses all the Cobras. Dusty is not a traitor. The Joes all escape.

In the end it is discovered that the armor treatment is not stable, Duke and Dusty came up with the traitor plan, only Duke and Dusty knew the plan, and Dusty’s mom is feeling much better thanks to the money the Joes swindled from Cobra.

 The Good:

An incredible story featuring Dusty, one of the greatest Joes. The plan is very well thought out.

The Bad:

Even with a well thought out plan, why were Dusty and Duke the only ones to know. A lot of anxiety from Joes, mainly Shipwreck, could have been saved if Duke trusted a few other high-level members of the team. Maybe tell Lady Jaye or Scarlett.

#8: “The Viper is Coming”

Original Air Date: October 24th, 1985

“Guess I won’t be needing that window cleaned.”

Barbeque

HOT TAKE ALERT: Yes, I can hear the screams of many G.I. Joe fans. “This episode should have been dead last”, you say. “The whole plot revolves around a terrible dad joke” the cries echo in my mind. Even the voice of Duke, Michael Bell, apologized to the fan base about this episode. I do not care, I absolute adore “The Viper is Coming”, and I can not doubt my own adoration.

The plot?

Barbeque is having a party at his new pad, a converted firehouse. A bunch of the Joes are dancing, rappelling, and playing basketball. The party is interrupted by a phone call. The mysterious caller calls himself the Viper, and he says he is coming. He also says five seventy-five.

The Joes are concerned. Scarlett deduces that five seventy-five must be coordinates and those coordinates bring the Joes to Antarctica. Once there, the team stumbles onto a Cobra Rec center with a gym, pool table room, cafeteria, swimming pool, and an entertainment lounge. A battle breaks out and the Joes take down the Cobra rec center.

The next day back at Barbeque’s pad, the Viper calls back. This time he says that he is coming Friday at the west corner. The Joes think Cobra is going to attack West Point. Once the team is at the United States Military Academy, Major Bludd does attack the graduating class of. The Joes, along with the cadets, turn away Major Bludd and his team.

The next day at Barbeque’s, and another call from the Viper. This time the Viper says he is coming tomorrow, top floor first. The Joes figure something is going down at the Extensive Enterprises building, since it is the tallest building in the world it has the highest top floor. Again, the Joes get into a battle with Cobra. The Crimson twins and Destro are frustrated that this “Viper” is making things rough for Cobra.

The next day at Barbeque’s pad, and the Joes have a huge team with tons of equipment surrounding the Joe fireman’s house. A small eastern European man with an accent approaches with a mop and bucket approaches. He says he is the viper, five seventy-five an hour, he will start on the west corner, top floor first. He is here to wipe the windows clean.

Barbeque can only sit and laugh.

 The Good:

A perfectly structured episode. Genuinely exciting and mysterious. Awesome to see the background world of Cobra.

The Bad:

I don’t know if the Joes always had the best teams for these missions. Barbeque in Antarctica? That doesn’t seem right.

#7: “The Rotten Egg”

Original Air Date: October 7th, 1986

“You made one mistake bucko. I may be older, but I’m better.”

Leatherneck

Leatherneck has been invited to give the commencement address at CEC. He is going to use his leave to be the guest of honor at this military academy, and he is going to stop by his beloved Paris Island to check out the batch of new marines that are graduating.

Once Leatherneck reaches CEC, he meets the Commandant. It is Buck McCann, a former high achieving marine recruit that Leatherneck threw out of the corps. It seems that McCann had great skills, but he was a lousy Marine when it came to discipline and respect. McCann is head of CEC; the Cobra Elite Corps. McCann is going to settle an old score with Leatherneck and use the CEC recruits to attack Paris Island.

The final exam McCann creates for the CEC cadets is to hunt down Leatherneck. During the hunt, Leatherneck schools the CEC kids, and even saves them Doesn’t matter, one of the cadets still knocks Leatherneck out.

The Joe marine has to escape so he can save Paris Island. In his hospital gown, Leatherneck starts to take out CEC cadets. The Joes at Paris Island see Leatherneck confront McCann, and Beachhead instructs everyone to let Leatherneck fight it out with his old enemy.

In the end Leatherneck beats McCann, and a member of the CEC rips the patch off his uniform symbolically turning away from Cobra.

 The Good:

A great story that tells us how people may turn to Cobra. Good soldiers with bad morals are what makes Cobra great. Awesome feature episode all about Leatherneck.

The Bad:

Why did Leatherneck, and nobody else on the Joe team, investigate what in the world is CEC?

#6: “Memories of Mara”

Original Air Date: November 15th, 1985

“And I’ve got this thing for mermaids.”

Shipwreck

This is the beginning of an epic story.

Out in the sea, the Joes are looking for the lost Navy submarine the USS Nerka. During the battle, Shipwreck spots a person in the water. The Joe sailor dives in and discovers this woman in the water has blue skin and is breathing through gills. Cobra wants this person back, but Shipwreck and Lady Jaye get her away.

We learn the gilled woman is named Mara. She was/is a member of Cobra and was part of an experiment to make amphibious soldiers. Unfortunately, the experiment made her only able to breath underwater. Mara is claiming ignorance on the Nerka, Lady Jaye does not believe her, Shipwreck does.

During a Cobra attack to get Mara back, Shipwreck takes her and escapes to an island. It is there that Shipwreck and Mara show their feelings for each other. Shipwreck also learns that Mara does know where the Nerka is located.

Mara tells the Joes the location, and then a rescue mission is greenlit. Mara, not in the water, saves the Nerka captain from torture, and Lady Jaye from a procedure that would give gills to one of our favorite Joes. The Nerka is saved, Shipwreck and Mara get away.

In the end, Mara kisses Shipwreck and swims out towards the horizon. Our favorite sailor just sits and waves while he smiles.

 The Good:

On its own, a great story. As part of larger story, this episode is must watch. A strong Shipwreck stories.

The Bad:

The first act is forgettable. The real action starts once Mara and Shipwreck are together.

#5: “The Most Dangerous Thing in the World”

Original Air Date: October 28th, 1986

"We got a saying in the Marines. The most dangerous thing in the world is a green officer in the dark with a book of matches.”

Leatherneck

Dr Mindbender has an incredible plan that would undermine the morale of the GI Joe team.

With General Hawk away, Dr Mindbender decides to infiltrate the Pentagon computer and promote three undeserving Joes to leadership roles. The three Joes chosen, Lifeline, Dial-tone, and Shipwreck. They are all promoted to Colonel, which is strange as Beachhead points out because Shipwreck cannot be a Colonel, he is not even in the army.

The three new Colonels are as bad as Dr. Mindbender thought they would be. The pacifist Lifeline takes weapons away, the dopey Dial-tone is changing things in the Joes computer systems, and the arrogant Shipwreck is throwing his rank around and upsetting his already in shock teammates.

Cobra has the Joes on the ropes, right until General Hawk parachutes out of a NATO jet and turns the tide. After the Joes turn away Cobra, barely, General Hawk says that these three joes were chosen to disrupt the team because Lifeline has the skill but not the will to lead, Dial-tone has the will but not the skill to lead, and Shipwreck has neither the will or the skill.

 The Good:

A very funny, and very informative, episode. The character work up to this point makes the whole story work. Prime commentary from Wetsuit and Leatherneck.

The Bad:

Ever since Dial-tone joined the team; he has been the subject of a bunch of abuse. I feel bad for the poor guy. He probably went to his men’s housing after this to eat some beans out of a can.

#4: “Nightmare Assault”

Original Air Date: October 29th, 1986

“What do you think of your cowardly son now, dad.”

Lowlight

The best episode of the second season of GI Joe.

Also, this episode premiered the day after “The Most Dangerous Thing in the World”. This part of season two was incredible. Onto the plot.

The Joes are having nightmares. The culprit of these nightmares? None other than Dr Mindbender and his newest invention. The Joes are losing sleep. They are becoming ineffective. Even great leaders like General Hawk are hesitating in battle.

The one Joe who knows about not sleeping, that would be Lowlight. The Joe sniper can function without sleep because he had a troubled childhood. His nightmares are about his father sending a scared boy out to kill rats.

The Joes decide to use Lowlight to lead the Joes through Dr Mindbender’s manufactured nightmares. Lowlight takes control of the dream, and defeats his childhood trauma, then is able to defeat Mindbender and his infernal machine.

In the end the Joes are saved, and Lowlight is having the first relaxing sleep he has had in a long time.

 The Good:

The imagery is trippy and fits the story perfectly. An awesome Mindbender invention, one that works, and a great personal story about Lowlight.

The Bad:

Lowlight is a creepy dude in this episode. Before this he was just an ass, but here he is damaged.

#3: “Worlds Without End”

Original Air Date: November 4th, and 5th, 1985

“Not another time. Another place. Another world.”

Flint

After a few close calls, Steeler is questioning if the battle between Joe and Cobra’s is even worth it. Nothing ever changes. The Joe tank commander is distraught.

Right now, the Joes and Cobra are fighting over the matter transmutter, a device with unknown applications. During a bottle on a bridge over a river, the matter transmutter goes off. The bridge disappears along with the Joe team of Flint, Lady Jaye, Footloose, Steeler, Clutch, Airtight, Grunt, and Barbeque. Also, the Cobra Moccasin pilot Copperhead seems to disappear with the Joes. We never hear from him the rest of the episode.

When the Joes wake up, they are not at the river, they are in a dry riverbed. Flint surmises that they fell asleep and many years have passed. As the Joes hike and look for answers, Steeler is bit by a strange pink bug. The Joe team also discovers that Cobra has taken over the world. They find the Joe HQ, and it is nearly empty, guarded by Cobra, and full of cobwebs. Once the Joes get into the base, they learn that most of the GI Joe team is either missing, or killed, in action.

Steeler is having a hard time with this.

The Joes split up to try and make sense of everything they have experienced. The different teams fix and use old Joe equipment. Flint, Barbeque, and Airtight go to Washington DC and learn that the Dreadnoks are cops. Those Dreadnoks cops are now chasing the Joes. Lady Jaye, Footloose, and Clutch are in old Sky Hawks, and they see Cobra has changed all the recognizable US monuments. Mt Rushmore, it now has Cobra Commander and Destro. The Lincoln Memorial, it is now the Cobra Commander Memorial. The White House, US Capitol Building, and the Washington Monument, they are all solid gold now. It is here that the Joes realize that time has not moved forward, but that they have travelled to another dimension. Also, the Baroness recognizes and wants to see Steeler.

To be continued.

In part two, the Flint, Barbeque, and Airtight team escape the Dreadnoks, but are eventually captured by Zartan. Lady Jaye, Footloose, and Clutch in the Sky Hawks get caught by an energy net from the golden Washington Monument.

Meanwhile, Grunt and Steeler are at the old Joe HQ, then suddenly Steeler in his sickness delirium stumbles upon skeletons of old dead Joes. The skeletons he sees are those of Grunt, Clutch, and himself. Steeler is understandably freaked out. A Cobra lady soldier finds Grunt and Steeler and asks them to come with her.

Next, we see the two Joes, Steeler is feeling better and Grunt is explaining to his friend that the Baroness of this reality was romantic with Steeler and she is secretly part of an anti-Cobra resistance. After a tough conversation with the Baroness about her Steeler being dead, the two Joes hatch a plan with the Baroness.

The other two Joe teams are part of a typical Cobra torture/entertainment scheme. Through some ingenuity the two teams escape to meet up with Steeler, Clutch, and the Baroness. The Baroness hatches a plan start a Cobra civil war between Destro and Cobra Commander. With her plan working, the Joes go back to the point the crossed dimensions.

Before the portal closes, Clutch, Grunt, and Steeler decide they are going to stay in this alternate reality to help the Baroness fight Cobra. Steeler has learned why being a Joe, and fighting Cobra, is so important.

We never see Clutch, Grunt, or Steeler in the rest of the cartoon serious. That is truly awesome writing.

The Good:

An incredible story that shows why the Joe fight against Cobra is so important. The journey that Steeler takes is trippy, and emotional. Knowing that Clutch, Grunt, and Steeler are leaving behind everything to fight Cobra is truly touching.

The Bad:

The animation is great, and scary, for a young pre-teen boy. Steeler is not the best character to go on this journey with.

#2: “There’s No Place Like Springfield”

Original Air Date: December 12th and 13th, 1985

“Looks like a dozen of other towns I know.”

Shipwreck

The end of an era for GI Joe. This is the last story we will see until the show expands and changes with “Arise, Serpentor, Arise”, and oh boy what a way to go out.

From the very beginning you could tell this two-parter was going to be something special. Shipwreck, Polly, and Lady Jaye are trying escort a ragged scientist off of an island. Actually, Lady Jaye is carrying the good Dr Mulaney while Shipwreck and Polly take up the rear.

The doctor was a prisoner of Cobra and he was tasked with making a chemical that can turn ordinary water into a bomb. Fearing he will not make it, Dr Mulaney implants the formula into Shipwrecks brain and whispers a code word to Lady Jaye. The code word will cause Shipwreck to reveal the formula.

On the way back to the Flagg, Shipwreck the Joes are attacked by Cobra. Shipwreck’s Sharc is sinking fast while the Flagg looks to be in trouble.

Commercial Break.

After the commercial, Shipwreck wakes up in hospital some indeterminate time later. His hair and face are grey, and he is greeted by his wife Mara and his kid Althea. The last time Shipwreck remembered seeing Mara was back in “Memories of Mara”, when she swam away because she could only breath underwater. It seems that Shipwreck has amnesia and does not remember Doc curing Mara, Shipwreck taking out Cobra Commander, the Joes finally defeating the snakes, he and Mara get married, and they have a daughter, and they move to the non-descript town of Springfield. Shipwreck does not remember any of it.

Once Shipwreck gets home, still confused, Mara recommends he take a nap. During his nap, the Joe sailor dreams of going into a car wash and having Cobra Commander, and other members of the now gone organization, asking forcefully for Mulaney’s formula. Shipwreck is confused and quite scared.

Trying to remember his new life, Shipwreck tries to get back to what is supposed to be normal. He sees that Scarlett and Duke are together, he owns a business with Deep Six and Torpedo. He insults Flint by referencing Lady Jaye. After his insult, Shipwreck learns that Lady Jaye died the night his Sharc went down.

Shipwreck is emotionally destroyed. To make matters worse, he keeps dreaming of Cobra asking for Mulaney’s formula. He finally gets into a trap at the car wash where his old Joe friends attack the old sailor. As Shipwreck hits each one, the Joe dissolves into grey goo. Shipwreck is screaming in agony.

To Be Continued.

In part two we start to learn what is actually going on. Shipwreck asks Mara to send him back to the hospital, where Shipwreck is drugged with spiked milk. The Crimson Twins use cadet Demming to interrogate Shipwreck by using a mind probing type device. Things start getting intense in the interrogation. When Doc objects to the Crimson Twins plan, they destroy him because he is a synthoid. All the Joes in Springfield are synthoids, including Polly.

The real Polly ends finds Shipwreck, destroys synthoid Polly and helps Shipwreck realize that he is a prisoner of Cobra. Polly also overheard the code word for Mulaney’s formula, and uses it to activate the formula in his sailor friend’s brain. Shipwreck creates the chemical, drops it into Springfield’s water supply, and thanks to a stupid Dreadnoks who shoots at Shipwreck, all the water in Springfield’s pipes starts to explode.

The Joes, including a very alive Lady Jaye, on the USS Flagg see the explosion and know where Cobra is keeping Shipwreck. The Joes attack, a battle ensues, yet before he goes, Shipwreck needs to save his wife and kid.

Predictable, and still sad, Shipwreck sees that Mara and Althea are synthoids and part of Cobra’s ploy. The story ends with Shipwreck with tears in his eyes, and ready to get back to the Joes.

Amazing.

The Good:

The first episode is so well done setting up the world of GI Joe after Cobra, and the reveal that all is not as it seems. The second part is action packed, sad, and has great closure on an awesome season of GI Joe.

The Bad:

This is very nitpicking, but I have to say something. Why in the world did Shipwreck not notice the dye in his hair and in his beard earlier? Does the man never shower?

#1: “Cold Slither”

Original Air Date: December 2nd, 1985

“Long live Cobra. Cold Slither forever”

The crowd at the Sports Arena

If you wanted to explain the greatness of “GI Joe: A Real American Hero” what would you highlight? The teamwork, and diversity, of the Joe team. Check. The inventive genius of Destro. Check. The awesomeness of Shipwreck. Check. The need of the Baroness to highlight her relationship to Destro. Check. The business acumen of the Crimson Twins. Check. The greed and laziness of the Dreadnoks. Check. The boldness of Cobra Commander to go incognito by wearing sunglasses over his mirrored face. Check plus.

Welcome to “Cold Slither” the greatest episode of the 1980’s GI Joe cartoon series.

The first act is all about Cobra going broke. Cobra troopers are in line for unemployment, and Extensive Enterprises are trying to recoup their losses by selling Cobra equipment to any would be dictator. In order to get back on top, Cobra Commander goes to get a high interest loan from a low level criminal who has a problem using the correct words (a great bit of double voice duty from Neil Ross, the voice of Shipwreck). With the money, Cobra Commander is going to use a new subliminal message technology developed by Destro to create a song that will enslave the populace.

The band and song “Cold Slither” are born. George Landsburg, the director from “Lights, Camera, Joes” is back to make a music video with Zartan and the Dreadnoks being the visual representation of the band.

The song is a hit. Cobra is making some money, and Extensive Enterprises is ready to be back in business with Cobra Commander. The kids in school love Cold Slither. The Joes are getting complacence with no Cobra, and “Cold Slither” is entertaining a few of the troops while they waste the days away. Shipwreck, Footloose, and Breaker, are into the music, and Duke does not understand this music the kids like today. When Cobra decides to activate the subliminal messages and demand everyone go to a concert at the Sports Arena, Shipwreck, Footloose, and Breaker decide to go AWOL. Shipwreck even pulls out his toy issue percussion pistol.

Duke is not happy with the AWOL Joes. Scarlett has a plan to bring everyone back and thwart Cobra’s comeback plan.

At the concert, the Dreadnoks are playing “Cold Slither” again and again. The sold-out crowd seems ok with it. The Dreadnoks are getting tired and leave Zartan on the stage alone. In their dressing room, the Dreadnoks have three comely lady groupies. Surprise, the groupies are Scarlett, Cover Girl, and Lady Jaye. They easily dispatch of the idiotic Zartan cronies. The girls make it all the way to the control room and get the Cobra high command to retreat. Duke thinks the subliminal machine may help the Joes with discipline around the base. Scarlett disagrees and destroys the world altering machine.

Once the concert goers come to, they all realize they are at a concert and they want music. The big show ends with the Average Joe Band. Breaker on keyboards, Shipwreck on drums, Lady Jaye, Scarlett, and Cover Girl on backing vocals, and Duke, Footloose and Rock and Roll on guitars. The band plays an awesomely stylized version of the shows theme song. End on the American flag.

Yo freaking Joe.

 The Good:

A perfect episode of GI Joe. Nearly every character from the Joes and Cobra is used in one short episode and all the characters are well thought out, the story highlights the motivations of each team, and no second was wasted. This is the episode you use to introduce someone to the greatness of “GI Joe: A Real American Hero.” Add in the PSA with Deep Sick sneaking up on the kid in the pond, and I guarantee you will have a new fan of GI Joe.

The Bad:

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. (except for one weird animation goof on Shipwreck’s beard when they are at the Sports Arena for the concert).

There you have it, the definitive rankings of all episodes of the classic cartoon series “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. This was tons of fun to write, and I hope brings some debate in your minds on what I ranked right, and what I ranked wrong. The most important thing I wanted to depart was knowledge about the greatest military toy commercial to ever air. And as the saying goes

Now you know.

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

Come and support us and the podcast on Patreon.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.  

Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" Gamesmasters, Synthoids, and Pyramids of Darkness

Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.

Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.

Need to catch up? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Today I present part four of my countdown of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Enjoy.

#27: “The Gamesmaster”

Original Air Date: October 21st, 1985

“Watch this Coco, it’s a real ho ho.”

The Gamesmaster

The first, and last time we ever meet the Gamesmaster.

A weird fellow with a strange clown capture Flint, Lady Jaye, the Baroness, and Cobra Commander. Lady Jaye is captured while she is a dressing room presumably getting undressed, and the Baroness is in a bikini. The Baroness stays in the bikini the rest of the episode. The four are transported to a strange toy land like island to play a game for their host. All the toys are actual weapons, and the goal of the game is to be the last one alive.

Outside of the Gamesmaster island, the Joes and Destro learn they need to work together to save their respective comrades. The four captives, mainly Cobra Commander, keep trying to get one over on the other team. With the forces of the Joes and Cobra working to save their friends, The Gamesmaster is defeated.

 The Good:

A weird episode in a good way. Awesome Flint and Cobra Commander character development.

The Bad:

The last time we see the Gamesmaster. We could use more of the common Joe and Cobra antagonist.

#26: “In the Presence of Mine Enemies”

Original Air Date: November 19th, 1986

“Let me guess, that’s what went wrong.”

Slipstream referring to a monster

An episode all about the adventures of the Conquest pilot Slipstream.

The Joe fighter jet pilot is recording a tape with Cobra’s missile code on it, and then he gets into a dogfight with a few Firebats and Night Ravens. With one Night Raven left, Slipstream gets shot down. The lady Cobra Night Raven pilot tries to finish Slipstream, but unfortunately, she gets stuck on an island that Dr Mindbender is trying to destroy with BATs.

Why destroys the island?

Well, there is a genetic Cobra monster living there.

Many a back and forth between Slipstream and the Cobra pilot, yet in the end they work together to escape the exploding island. The two pilots get on a Tomahawk. When Lifeline asks Slipstream if the Cobra pilot is a recruit or prisoner, the Night Raven pilot tears off her Cobra patch and throws it into the ocean.

 The Good:

Slipstream is optimistic, resourceful, and heroic. The marks of a good Joe. Awesome backstory with the Cobra Night Raven pilot.

The Bad:

Honestly a great episode. Not many other Joes and Cobras is the one mark against it.

#25: “Lights, Camera, Cobra”

Original Air Date: October 1oth, 1985

“Duke wanted all the oddballs out of his hair for a few weeks.”

Shipwreck

The show starts out with a classic Joe vs Cobra battle, yet something is not right. The look and voices are not quite what we are used to see. Lo and behold this is the set of a movie all about GI Joe.

Movie Director George Landsburg, a first appearance of a recurring character, wants real action with real equipment. A few Joes get sent to the set to act as advisers. Cover Girl is sent out to babysit a few shady Joes like Shipwreck, Recondo, and Dusty. Shipwreck gets in a bar fight where he and Cover Girl get arrested. Recondo and Dusty get caught out in the dessert because they get into a racing contest with Zartan, who the Joes think is an actor with a big mouth.

In the end the Joes trick Cobra into a real battle, and the director gets the real action he wanted.

At the premier, George Landsberg thanks the people most instrumental in the film’s success, his parents. Shipwreck, in his tux, is pissed and is going to “murderlize” the director.

 The Good:

A lighthearted episode with good character work and world building.

The Bad:

A whole lot of stupidity from Cobra and the Joes in this episode

#24: “Where the Reptiles Roam”

Original Air Date: October 18th, 1985

“I should have known she was no real Texas peach. She was too sweet. Everyone knows we grow our peaches sassy.”

Wild Bill

Cobra has a dude ranch in Texas, and the Joes need to find out why. Lady Jaye, Wild Bill, Bazooka, and Alpine go undercover as the Austins. The family in charge of the dude ranch, the Joads, seem friendly enough, especially their daughter Mary Bell who takes a shine to Wild Bill.

The Joads are actually a bunch of Cobras, and they are wreaking havoc with the undercover Joes. Crazy bulls attack Bazooka and Alpine, a burr in the saddle for a horse that Lady Jaye is riding, things are crazy for the Joes.

While all these shenanigans are going on, Cobra gets control of a local solar farm that they use to create a heat wave weapon. The weapon stops all Joe vehicles, so the team attacks the dude ranch on foot. Wild Bill finds out his new belle is actually the Baroness. The Cobras escape and the Joes stop Cobras weapon.

 The Good:

A Wild Bill focused episode. Great, and humorous, action.

The Bad:

Another episode with a bunch of Joes making stupid decisions.

#23: “Eau De Cobra”

Original Air Date: November 6th, 1985

“No Flint you have made a mistake for even you are not immune to Eau De Cobra.”

The Baroness

Cobra steals a tablet from the British Museum and send Firefly to steal a plant (jackal’s bane) from Antarctica. The Joes figure out that Cobra is creating a love potion. When they ask tabloid reader Short Fuze who is the world’s most eligible bachelor, he replies that it is shipping magnate Socrates Airtes. Makes sense.

Flint and Lady Jaye attend a party on Airtes yacht, and the Baroness happens to be there to seduce the rich man. She uses Eau De Cobra, and the rich man is smitten. When caught, the Baroness uses the perfume on Flint. He falls for the Baroness, and Destro is quite jealous.

Fights happen, the perfume bottle falls into the ocean, Joes and Cobras fight underwater, and a crab runs away with the perfume bottle. Up top, the Baroness escapes, and Socrates Airtes pledges to remain single.

 The Good:

A fun adventure with good character work concerning the relationships of Flint and Lady Jaye and Destro and the Baroness.

The Bad:

Destro’s jealousy really screwed this up for Cobra.

#22: “Hearts and Cannons”

Original Air Date: November 14th, 1985

“There she is. The chick.”

Footloose

HOT TAKE ALERT: A few words on the sexism in this episode. It was 1985 and I was ten years old when I fist saw “Hearts and Cannons. I remember it for being fun and having Dusty in it. As an adult I watched it and thought to myself, gee Dusty and Footloose sure are sexists.

The truth is, I think the mild sexism from Dusty and Footloose is meant to show how outdated their thinking is. Dr Winters is accomplished, does not take crap, and never falls in with one of the Joes. I think this kids cartoon in 1985 was more progressive in handling accomplished women than most so called prestige shows of the modern era.

On to the plot.

Cobra is causing havoc in a desert nation. Footloose, Dusty, and a mauler tank have to bail out of a Joe cargo plane into the desert. Footloose and Dusty land near a Cobra weapons testing area with Destro working on a plasma cannon with a Dr Winters. The two Joes save Dr Winters, first name Nancy, and try to get away. The two Joes also argue about who Nancy fancies the most.

After some misadventures in a mine field and across the dessert, Footloose and Dr Winters get caught and Dusty is lost in the dessert. The person who catches Footloose and Dr Winters, Jamal, is a man angry at Cobra and he has the mauler.

Dr Winters knows how to defeat the Cobra plasma cannon. Footloose, Dr. Winters and Jamal find Dusty. The two Joes, along with the mauler, defeat the plasma cannon. Cobra retreats.

Later that night, Dusty and Footloose learn that Jamal is the king of these lands. He gives the two Joes medals, and then invites Dr Winter to tour his palace. Dusty and Footloose loose Nancy to King Jamal.

 The Good:

An episode that features the laid back (stoner) attitude of Footloose, and the cocksure heroic attitude of Dusty.

The Bad:

Some people may say the sexism from the two Joes. I say not. If I had to say anyhting bad, I would say that Destro seems hell bent on killing his own troops. That is out of character for our metal faced villian.

 #21: “Cobra’s Candidate”

Original Air Date: October 11th, 1985

“With you on our side Mr. Harper, we can simply make Cobra’s goals into laws.”

Cobra Commander

A note on the episode. Some stories carry more weight because of personal reasons. My personal reasons is why I rate “Cobra’s Candidate” so high. I have worked in local politics most of my adult life. I know these types of political races. With this being said, the episode is a great Cobra plan and a great episode.  

There is a small municipal election going on with candidate Robert Harper being attacked by gangs from his political rival. The reality is that Harper is secretly with Cobra. They are making him into the martyr so he will get votes. The gang does not know this.

Lady Jaye and Scarlett try to convince the gang leader, Pilar, that the Joes are trying to help. After a few battles, and a nearly killed brother, Pilar believes the Joes. Harper is found out, and dramatically loses the election. He got two votes. One from Tomax and one from Xamot.

 The Good:

Great misdirection through the episode. This is a solid Cobra plan, trust me.

The Bad:

The gang story is featured more than it should be. It is kind of a boring.

#20: “Lasers in the Night”

Original Air Date: October 22nd, 1985

“Say, you’re my kind of girl. Where did you learn those moves?”

Quick Kick

Quick Kick gets a girlfriend.

In the beginning we meet two college girls, Amber and Sandy. Sandy is boy crazy, but Amber just wants to help people.

At a G.I. Joe sponsored martial arts show, Amber and Quick Kick meet and fall for each other. They go to the baseball game and the ballet, but Amber wants more. She wants to join G.I. Joe.

During a tour of the Joe headquarters, Amber hears a bunch of things. At the same time, Cobra has captured Lady Jaye and the Baroness is impersonating the Joe leader. Things go south for the Joes, and Duke thinks Amber may be a spy. At the same time, Amber is trying to infiltrate the Cobra island base on her own to prove she is not a spy. Quick Kick goes to capture Amber, finds out she is not the bad guy, and fights alongside Amber and the Joes to stop Cobra Commander’s nefarious plan.

What was that super evil plan? Cobra Commander is using a laser to carve his face into the moon.

 The Good:

One of the greatest, and stupidest, Cobra Commander plans ever. Awesome personal story for Quick Kick.

The Bad:

Again, this is a stupid plan by Cobra Commander. Amber is never seen again.

#19: “The Million Dollar Medic”

Original Air Date: October 2nd, 1986

“Bri, I’m a medic. My job is healing.”

Lifeline

HOT TAKE ALERT: Lifeline is one of the best characters in the second season of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”, and this episode proves it. Before I started this project, I was not looking forward to the Lifeline episodes. I remembered him as being whiney and a wimp. That is not true. Throughout the second season the development of Lifeline is well thought out and I will stand up for the Joe pacifist everyday of the week and twice on Sundays.

This episode shows why Lifeline belongs on the GI Joe team. The pacifist medic spends the whole episode trying to heal, not fight.

During a Cobra attack on a factory and yacht in the Bahamas Lifeline saves Bri Van Mark, an heiress to a fortune. Bri is smitten with Lifeline. She buys him a fancy uniform, a special swiss army knife, and a solid gold chopper.

The problem is that Cobra wants Bri’s father to sell his business to Cobra. Van Mark industries has a division that makes weapons. Cobra is going after Bri to kidnap the heiress.

After many adventures, one in which Bri kidnaps Lifeline, the Joes stop Cobra’s assault. The episode ends with Bri and Lifeline kissing on the battlefield.

 The Good:

This is the episode that shows why Lifeline is here. He may not carry a gun, but he is one smart, and compassionate, Joe. He is heroic. Also, Bri is a great character.

The Bad:

Bri does not think things through. She causes a whole lot of damage. We also never see her again.

#18: “Excalibur”

Original Air Date: November 1st, 1985

“That sword, it’s invincible. I must have it”

Destro

The Joes are in England. We know this because we see Big Ben and the white cliffs of Dover.

The Joes have some equipment that will make an anti-Cobra satellite system. A fight ensues, and the Cobra Ninja Storm Shadow crashes into a lake. This lake happens to be home to the Lady of the Lake, and she is guarding the legendary sword Excalibur. Storm Shadow takes the sword, and the local weather starts going haywire. A local man, named Beemish by the way, tells the Joes that the weather is crazy because someone has taken the sword Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake.

While Storm Shadow is ripping through the English countryside with Excalibur, Destro gets jealous of the Cobra Ninja’s sword. Footloose is doing good work for the Joes, but he gets captured. The English town gets flooded due to Destro’s cold and wandering mind. There is a big fight at the Cobra HQ featuring Storm Shadow, Spirit, and Quick Kick.

In the end, Spirit’s eagle Freedom gets a hold of Excalibur and returns it to the Lady of the Lake. The weather breaks and the Joes send Cobra running. The Joes also save a cat and help rebuild the flooded village.

 The Good:

A really cool story and one of the few episodes that heavily features Storm Shadow.

The Bad:

There is some unsettling action with Quick Kick thinking Spirit has native American “spiritual” powers.

#17: “Skeletons in the Closet”

Original Air Date: December 11th, 1985

“Where have I seen that face before?”

Lady Jaye

The episode that makes cannon that Lady Jaye and Destro are related.

The action starts out with Destro saving a lady Cobra soldier, and the Baroness is not happy with her beau flirting with another woman. Later, Destro is saved by a mysterious woman. He dines with this mystery lady and claims that the Baroness is a confused woman who he is not attached to.

Over to the Joe part of the story, Lady Jaye learns that she has inherited a family castle in Scotland.   The castle first seems haunted, then we find out a cult is hanging out in the basement. Lady Jaye goes to investigate and gets caught by the cult. The cult is going to sacrifice Lady Jaye to a beast in the well. One of the cultists stop the sacrifice, and we learn that Destro is here because it is his family’s castle.

Flint shows up to save Lady Jaye. There is fights with cultist, a fight with a giant spider, and the Joes come to rescue their comrades. The castle is destroyed. Destro learns that the mysterious woman is the Baroness, who is upset that Destro dismissed her earlier.

In the end, we see the beast under the wreckage of the castle. We will return to the beast later.

 The Good:

Great world building, plus the cliffhanger at the end is payed off. Also, Lady Jaye was a revelation to me and all young men watching this cartoon. Beautiful and deadly.

The Bad:

Why did we not explore the family connection between Lady Jaye and Destro more in the future. A great plot point we never went back to.

#16: “Twenty Questions”

Original Air Date: October 2nd, 1985

“I wonder if there is an Emmy in this for me?”

Hector Ramirez

The introduction of television personality Hector Ramirez, the host of “20 Questions”.

Hector and his crew are doing an expose on the GI Joe team. One member of Hector’s entourage seems to think GI Joe is a waste of taxpayer money and Cobra is a hoax. Shipwreck is getting annoyed with the crew and decides to show them that Cobra is real. He takes them all in a Dragonfly to a Cobra base.

Things go south when they are shot down and caught. Also, the member of the crew who is questioned G.I. Joe, that person turns out to be the Baroness.

Cobra Commander is intrigued by Hector’s show and agrees to be interviewed. With the distraction, Shipwreck plans an escape. On the way out a bunch of itching and laughing gas is set off. The hysterical Joes and “20 Questions” crew escape to find the rescuing Joe team.

Hector is so happy, and affected by laughing gas, that he professes his love of G.I. Joe and kisses Duke.

 The Good:

Hector Ramirez is one of the greatest minor reoccurring characters. The Cobra Commander self-love is awesome.

The Bad:

How in the world is Shipwreck not court martialed and in prison for this?

#15: “Cobrathon”

Original Air Date: October 6th, 1986

“A tele-thon, a Cobra-thon to be exact.”

The Crimson Twins

Cobra has a computer virus that will blow up the main computers at all the major law enforcement agencies around the world. During a mission to find out Cobra’s plan, Lifeline and Sci-Fi are captured.

Cobra decides to use the computer virus to hold a tele-thon for the world’s criminals so the snakes can raise $5 billion dollars. The Baroness is hosting in a lovely long black sequined dress. Destro tries with the bad jokes and gets so mad at the terribleness of the writing that he shoots the cue cards. Mindbender has dressed up in a tux, but he still has his signature cape. Lifeline and Sci-Fi are used as entertainment in a series of gambling like games that are life threatening.

The Joes figure out by the types of games, that the Cobrathon is in Reno Nevada. While a Joe team led by Flint save Lifeline and Sci-Fi, another Joe team led by Mainframe stops the computer virus.

By the way, the Cobrathon still does hit the $5 billion dollar goal.

 The Good:

Very tense and action-packed episode. The Cobra’s trying to entertain is priceless entertainment.

The Bad:

Cobra Commander is relegated to a non-speaking background role as a person answering phones. I wanted to see a tuxedo Commander doing a lounge singer act.

#14: “Raise the Flagg”

Original Air Date: October 20th, 1986

“The name’s BA Lakar to you.”

BA Lakar

Cobra is working in the ocean around the wreckage of the USS and Flagg and the Cobra Heli-Carrier. The two giant ships sank back in the episode “Computer Complications. Cobra wants the anti-matter pod in the wreckage.

Going into the deep ocean, Roadblock, Leatherneck, and Wetsuit reach the wreckage along with Zartan and his siblings Zarana and Zandar. On the wreckage, the two enemy teams discover growing vegetation and the sultry sounds of the Cobra hit music single “Cold Slither”. The Joe and Cobra squads are then ambushed by a group of BATs that are led by BA Lakar, the last surviving member of Cobra.

Lakar sank with the ship(s) and assumed Cobra was defeated. He is crazy. He makes his prisoners work and he tries to execute a few. Roadblock convinces Zartan that the two enemies have to work together to survive.

A battle breaks out on the ocean surface between the Joes and Cobra. The battle has damaged the sunken vessels and they are about to be destroyed. A well-placed hit on the head for BA Lakar has made the old crazy Cobra cook come to his sense. Roadblock’s team along with Zartan’s team use the antimatter pod to power the Cobra Heli-Carrier engines to raise the USS Flagg to the surface.

Once out of the water, Zartan and crew try to double cross the Joes to steal the anti-matter pod. Unfortunately, the fast rise out of the pressure filled depths of the ocean has given Zartan, Zarana, Zandar, Roadblock, Leatherneck, Wetsuit, and BA Lakar the bends. The Cobra’s painfully escape, and the Joes along with Lakar go into a decompression chamber.

General Hawk gladly accepts Lakar into the ranks of the Joes as Leatherneck and Wetsuit fight over a game of cards.

 The Good:

Love the continuity in the episode. The world of BA Lakar is well thought out.

The Bad:

Outside of Wetsuit, who is really qualified for this mission. The Joes have plenty of deep sea/ocean dudes, and Lady Jaye, and Cobra has the Baroness with diving experience. This was not the right crew for either team.

#13: “The Synthoid Conspiracy”

Original Air Date: October 7th, 1985

“Synthoids, worship me.”

Cobra Commander

A two-parter that has huge implications to a classic episode later in the run.

Zartan has developed a technology that lets Cobra create copies of people out of a gray substance. These copies are called synthoids. Cobra uses a GI Joe training mission to replace many of America’s high military command.

With the synthoids in command, GI Joe starts to get defunded by the US government. Also, Duke has been captured by Cobra and replaced by a synthoid. A few Joes rebel, which leads to Quick Kick being imprisoned, and Junkyard going AWOL with Mutt.

To be continued.

In part two, the Joes are in a state of confusion. Thankfully Destro is here to help. He is mad about Zartan creating a Destro synthoid and he wants revenge. The Joes no know about Cobra’s deception.

In an attack on the Cobra base, Scarlett gets wise to the synthoid Duke. After a big battle, synthoid Duke and real Duke fight it out. Cobra Commander accidently melts all the synthoids, including the imposters in the US Military.

The G.I. Joe team gets a triumphant reinstatement ceremony form a thankful US government.

 The Good:

This is the best Cobra plan ever. It would have been perfect if…

The Bad:

… Cobra’s own, Destro, did not ruin the plan. Why does Cobra have a problem being a well-functioning team? 

#12: “Grey Hairs and Growing Pains”

Original Air Date: October 14th, 1986

“I don’t know, there is something strange about this place Flint.”

Gung-Ho

Sparks is back.

Cobra steals a youth treatment from skin care magnate Madame Versaille. Soon, many social influencers are using the youth treatment.

The Joes ask their old teammate Sparks, who has left the military and is working in Hollywood, about who is behind the treatment and who uses is. It seems that Extensive Enterprises is the money behind the madness. Their product, it is called Ageless Care. The Joes are going to get to the bottom of this.

After being turned away by celebrities, via rampaging elephants and angry football players, the Joes make their way to the Ageless Care facility in Southern California. Lady Jaye, Mainframe, and Dial-Tone head to the Steam Room. Flint, Gung-Ho, and Sci-Fi go to the Sunroom.

Unfortunately, Cobra knows that their visitors are Joes, so they trap them. The Sunroom makes all the Joes old; the Steam Room makes them all kids. Also during an escape, a young Lady Jaye gets her pants blown off.

The elderly and kid joes try to figure out a way to reverse the aging process. One of the celebs who Cobra double crossed helps the out of age Joes. They find the Cobra Ageless Care base. A battle breaks out, Zarana spots a kid Mainframe and helps him because of her feelings back from “Computer Complications” Mainframe finds the reversing room, comes back as regular adult Mainframe, and thwarts the Cobra’s.

All the Joes get fixed, but Lady Jaye has no pants, so her adult self is showing more than she would feel comfortable showing.

 The Good:

Well told and plotted story. Funny and action packed. Sparks is back people.

The Bad:

The end is very rushed. Why are the celebs so violet to the Joes?

#11: “The Pyramid of Darkness”

Original Air Date: September 16th-20th, 1985

“It’s now or never boys. Yo Joe.”

Satin

 There were four five-part GI Joe miniseries.

This is the best.

No debate.

The greatest iteration of the GI Joe carton was made whole in this series. The Crimson twins are added. Polly is brought into the fold. Dusty shows up. Alpine and Bazooka meet Quick Kick to add three more great characters.

The plot is also the best of the four mini-series. Cobra has taken over a satellite and set control cubes to make a Pyramid of Darkness. Under this pyramid, no electronics work. Cobra is successful, initially.

While in the Cobra underground of Enterprise City, Shipwreck and Snake Eyes meet up with a friend, the singer Satin, and they escape to save the day. Plus, this series has the great song “The Cobra that Got Away” and we get Snake Eyes breakdancing. Is that not enough. We also get Snake Eyes dancing while he is decked out in a loud dress.

A ton of great action surrounding the placing of the cubes. Cobra’s plan really does work. Alpine yodels in this series, twice. The fatal fluffies are strange and awesome. Also, I need to say it again, Snake Eyes breakdances, and later wears a gaudy dress. All incredible. This was the series that truly made way for the show we love.

 The Good:

This is truly the beginning of the great run of the G.I. Joe cartoon. Plus, I need to remind you, Snake Eyes breakdances and is in a dress. It is epic.

The Bad:

We see Satin again, however it is in a throwaway role as Lowlight’s sister’s friend in “Glamour Girls”. We also later hear “The Cobra that Got Away” in Joes night out. We needed more Satin in the G.I. Joe world.

Come back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of our countdown of “G.I.Joe: A Real American Hero”.

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

Come and support us and the podcast on Patreon.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.  

Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero": Dinosaurs, Gods, and M.A.S.S.

Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.

Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.

Need to catch up? Part 1, Part 2

Today I present part three of my countdown of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Enjoy.

#48: “Countdown for Zartan”

Original Air Date: September 23rd, 1985

“One day Zartan, you will push me too far.”

Destro

 The very first episode of GI Joe that is not part of a miniseries.

The Joes are trying to protect an international peace meeting. Zartan infiltrates the meeting by kidnapping and impersonating one of the distinguished attendees. He gets caught when Spirit’s eagle Freedom goes after the Cobra master of disguise.

Many shenanigans ensue.The Joes psychological torture the Cobra mercenary by setting his clock faster that the bomb. Spirit and Storm Shadow fight. The Skyhawk vehicle is featured. In the end, the Joes win.

 The Good:

The first of a great series. Awesome to see the show highlight the abilities of Zartan and Spirit.

The Bad:

Nothing extraordinary about this episode. Kind of a letdown after the three epic miniseries.

#47: “The Funhouse”

Original Air Date: October 1st, 1985

“Your robots are lousy shots commander. Did you program them yourself?”

Flint

 A whole bunch of Joes are in this episode.

The team is working their way through a funhouse built by Cobra Commander. The Joes are on the mission because Cobra has kidnapped a bunch of scientists. Dusty and Airtight go one way, Alpine and Bazooka another way, and last, we have Flint and Lady Jaye.

Seemingly Lady Jaye, Dusty, and Bazooka are killed by Cobra Commander’s funhouse. The funhouse is screwing with the Joes, nobody dies. Zap shows up to bring his bombs to save the Joes. In the end, the Joes win, and Cobra Commander escapes in what may be the first look at a Firebat.

 The Good:

A lot of great character work with the Joes. We see how the different Joes skill sets compliment each other.

The Bad:

Episode with no real stakes. It seems goofy at times, then we have characters die, then they come back.

#46: “The Primordial Plot”

Original Air Date: November 12th, 1985

“What I don’t get is why is Cobra stealing dinosaurs and old scientists.”

Scarlett

 The plot of “Jurassic Park” years before the movie was released.

Like Scarlett said up top, Cobra is kidnapping old scientist. The goal is to use stolen dinosaur bones to clone a new group of dinos that will help Cobra destroy G.I. Joe. Cobra also has a growth serum that makes the newly born dinosaurs to grow up very quick.

Cobra succeeds, they make dinosaurs.

Flint, Lady Jaye, and Gung Ho are shot down over Cobra’s dinosaur island. The Joes make their way through the island, and Gung Ho is hungry. Thinking about Gung-Ho’s hunger problems, Scarlett realizes that the dinos want food. She uses her crossbow to shoot some provisions over to the hungry beasts.

In the end the need for food trumps Cobra’ s wants of a dino army. Gung Ho even joins the dinosaurs for a feast.

 The Good:

Another great plot. Best dinosaur cloning story we would see for years.

The Bad:

Sloppy Cobra scheme that is easily beat. How exactly was Cobra going to get the dinosaurs off the island? Once the full force of G.I. Joe, along with other countries’ special forces such as the Oktober Gaurd, get wind of Cobra moving dinos off a small island, the snakes plot will be quickly destroyed.

#45: “Red Rockets Glare”

Original Air Date: September 24th, 1985

“Call me Roadblock OK, not Marvin.”

Roadblock

Roadblock is taking a few of the guys out to eat at his Aunt and Uncle’s family restaurant. Unfortunately, a new burger chain called Red Rocket is taking over all the mom and pop diners. Doubly unfortunate, Roadblock’s aunt and uncle have become franchisees of Red Rocket.

Extensive Enterprises is the organization behind the new chain, and that means that Cobra is somehow involved. The Crimson Twins use hired muscle to force people out of their restaurants so Extensive Enterprises can take the place back for pennies on the dollar.

The Joes get involved.

Cobra Commander shows the world that each Red Rocket restaurant has a bomb attached in their rocket logo on every restaurant. Cobra launches Roadblock’s family rocket, and the Joe along with Tomax and Xamot ride the rocket. Roadblock stops the bomb, the twins jump away at the last minute, and Roadblock’s Aunt and Uncle get their family restaurant back up and running with their nephew acting as the cook.

 The Good:

Top notch action. A great personal episode for Roadblock. Nice to see the big guy cook since it is supposed to be a big part of his character profile.

The Bad:

Animation a little shoddy. Riding the rocket, a bit ridiculous.

#44: “The Gods Below”

Original Air Date: November 11th, 1985

“Can this be on the level?”

Duke

The episode where the Joes learn that the gods of Egyptian mythology are real.

Cobra is trying to find something in an old Egyptian tomb. The Joe team is there to stop Cobra. While going through the tomb, the Joes knockout some Crimson Guardsmen and steal their uniforms. They learn that Cobra wants the treasure of Set.

While the Joes are navigating the tomb to capture Cobra Commander, they end up in front of the god Osiris. He tells them their hearts must be weighed to see if they are worthy for eternal life. The heroes are put through a series of test where they all help each other and all seem to fail, but their comradery allows them to pass into eternal life.

Meanwhile, Cobra finds the god Set and pledges allegiance to the evil deity. Cobra takes Set’s treasure, but the evil god has tricked Cobra Commander and destructive weather begins to wreak havoc. At the same time, the god Anubis is transporting the Joes into the afterlife when they convince the deity to stop Cobra. The Commander drops the treasure, it is sealed in the tomb of Set, the weather stops, and Anubis dumps the Joes into the river.

Why did the Joes miss out on eternal life? Duke called Anubis dog face.

 The Good:

A story unlike any GI Joe tale told before. Shows the difference between how the Joes and Cobra think and act.

The Bad:

The Joes discover that the afterlife is real, and it is based on Egyptian mythology. It is never mentioned again. If the Egyptian after life is real, is Duke forever banned because he insulted Anubis? These are the questions that worry me at night.

#43: “Spell of the Siren”

Original Air Date: October 25th, 1985

“No, my former Commander, it is not treason, it is destiny.”

Baroness

In a fight underwater, the Baroness gets her hand on a shell, and Lady Jaye gets an old parchment. The parchment tells the Joes that the shell is the Conch of the Sirens. The Baroness discovers that the Conch of the Sirens will make men the zombie slaves of whoever uses it.

In a long overdue bid for power, the Baroness uses the conch to take control of the male Joes, and to get control of Cobra. Xamot, who has escaped control, teams with the Joes to save the men, if his brother is saved.

The Baroness has an army of lady Cobra troopers, while Scarlett, Lady Jaye, and Covergirl join Xamot to save the men. The Joes get the Conch, Cobra retreats. In the end the Joe ladies destroy the Conch.

The Good:

With the ladies in charge, each side seems to be better run.

The Bad:

Why in the hell did the lady Joes destroy the conch?

#42: “The Wrong Stuff”

Original Air Date: November 28th, 1985

“I pity the fool who doesn’t join Cobra.”

Mr. C of the C Team

I love the first two acts in this episode. In fact, the first act may be in the top five of GI stories ever. The end just does not do the rest of the episode any favors.

Cobra takes over every television satellite in space and replace all tv programming with Cobra programs. Shows like “Father Knows Beast”, “The C Team”, and “The Likeables” promote Cobra’s beliefs. Cobra is also gouging all the advertisers since Cobra TV is the only station on earth.

This will not stand. The Joes decide to put rockets on Skystrikers to knock the satellites out. It doesn’t work because Zartan and the Dreadnoks are on a space battle station with a giant laser. The Joes need another plan.

Ace runs the squad through space training to find his team. The Joes who make the cut are Scarlett, Lady Jaye, Alpine, Roadblock, and Wild Bill. Along with Ace, the team is launched on a rocket with Sky Strikers attached. The Joes break into the station. A zero-g fight ensues. The Joes are trained and the Dreadnoks are idiots. Joes win and get regular tv back.

In the end the Joes are get a visitor. Mr. C wants to join GI Joe.

 The Good:

Great to see the philosophy of Cobra through their television programs. The shows they highlight are outstanding and show the philosophy of Cobra. The training montage for Ace’s team is also great.

The Bad:

The episode is much better in the first two acts than in the last act.

#41: “Flint’s Vacation”

Original Air Date: November 13th, 1985

“This is going to sound crazy, but a terrorist organization named Cobra has taken over your town.”

Flint

Flint is going on vacation, did you see the title of the episode, and he is stopping overnight at his cousin’s place. Once there, Flint’s cousin’s family seem like zombies and go to bed right when the Joe gets there.

Flint learns the townsfolks are controlled by Cobra. It seems like the snakes are using subliminal messages through the tv news to brainwash the town.

While investigating, Flint gets caught by Zartan, and then the Joe joins the townsfolks in working for Cobra in an underwater base. Lady Jaye spots Flint in a Cobra Commander televised threat. The Joes go to rescue their comrade.

The Joes discover that Cobra is controlling the townsfolks with subliminal messages in the newscasts. The hypnotized townsfolks attack the Joes in the underwater base. Breaker goes to disrupt the subliminal messages. Everyone comes to, and the Joes and townsfolks escape back to their town.

Flint decides that vacation is too stressful, and he decides to head back to base. 

Side note: It is known that Larry Hama, the writer of the G.I. Joe comic, never watched the cartoon. This episode seems to show that cartoon writers read the comic books, because this episode is remarkably similar to the GI Joe comic #20 with Clutch in the Flint role. The comic even ends with Clutch cutting his vacation short because of the stress.

 The Good:

Flint wears his beret even in his civvies. Great action.

The Bad:

Another Cobra super bomb plot ruined by Cobra Commander’s hubris.

#40: “Haul Down the Heavens”

Original Air Date: October 4th, 1985

“Beware Lady Jaye, with so sharp a tongue you could cut your own throat.”

Destro

There is a problem with the Northern Lights. It seems like Cobra’s new weapon, the Ion Attractor, is going to pull down the Aurora Borealis and melt the polar ice caps. The Joes need to investigate, which means we need snow Joes and vehicles.

The Baroness is in disguise as a scientist helping the Joes. She double-crosses the good guys, and a battle breaks out. This is Snow Job and the Polar Battle Bear’s time to shine. In the ice and snow, the better equipped Joes win the day. The Northern Lights get to stay in place.

 The Good:

The episode highlighted the Joes, and their equipment, in the snow.

The Bad:

Cobra’s plot makes very little sense, but I’m no Aurora Borealis expert.

#39: “Pit of Vipers”

Original Air Date: November 27th, 1985

“We’re supposed to take orders from a pile of silicon chips?”

Flint

The DOD (Department of Defense in case you did not know) has ordered the Joes to use a new program named Watchdog. The problem is that Watchdog sends Joes all over the world to abandoned Cobra bases. Shipwreck is not buying it, and on an underwater mission he decides to ditch the Watchdog system.

Without Watchdog, Shipwreck finds an active Cobra base, unfortunately he gets captured. Meanwhile, Cobra has a giant drill called Pit Viper and they are sending it to the GI Joe HQ. With so many Joes spread out around the world, the HQ is barely staffed.

During a Cobra Commander video gloat to G.I. Joe, the captured Shipwreck warns the Joes about Watchdog. Breaker and Scarlett take over the Pit Viper and use it to tunnel through Watchdog, destroying it. Shipwreck escapes as Cobra Commander and Destro argue. The Joes win.

 The Good:

A really well thought out story. Awesome episode to show that Shipwreck is smart, and not just a doofus.

The Bad:

Another Cobra plot undone by infighting.

#38: “Satellite Down”

Original Air Date: September 25th, 1985

“Ortho, ortho.”

Primord Chief

A satellite is brought down somewhere over Africa, and the Joes are racing Cobra to get control of the downed orbital object.

Both sides end up being caught by the primitive tribe of primords, a non-evolved early form of humans. The primords are worshipping the satellite as a god and are going to sacrifice Lady Jaye. Storm Shadow makes a deal with the Joes to escape, but he double-crosses the heros the first chance the ninja gets. Things take a turn, Storm Shadow and Cobra attacks the primords, the Joes assist the tribe. The combined Joe primord team turn away Cobra, and the satellite is destroyed.

In the end the Joes leave the primords a television. After watching for a few minutes, the primords destroy the television and chant “Yo Joe”.

The Good:

Great Lady Jaye episode. The Bridge Layer makes a useful appearance.

The Bad:

The look and action of the primords can be seen as a bit racist.

#37: Sins of Our Fathers

Original Air Date: November 18th, 1986

“With Dial-Tone working for me Serpentor is as good as finished.”

Cobra Commander

 A sequel to the season one episode “Skeletons in the Closet”.

The show starts with a few Joes getting ready to have a night on the town. Flint tells Dial-Tone that the Joes have decided not to keep him on this time. The communications specialist is off the team.

Flash forward to a non-Joe Dial-Tone eating beans out of can in his men shelter like terrible room. A mysterious woman comes to hire Dial-Tone for a job. The job? He is to help communicate with something in a well.

Flint, in disguise, is watching over Dial-Tone at his new job. It seems that kicking Dial-Tone off the team was part of plan to get him to work for Cobra, and let the Joes know what the snakes are up to. Unfortunately, poor Dial-Tone just thinks his friends have rejected him. The mysterious woman ends up being Zarana working for Cobra Commander who wants the beast in the well, the one at the end of “Skeletons in the Closet”, to awaken and kill Serpentor. Zarana captures Flint.

Dial-Tone’s work is successful, the beast awakens. Flint and Dial-Tone escape, and the discarded Joe is welcomed back to the team. Serpentor and his Cobra legions attack the beast. Destro tells the Joes about an ancient chant that will attract the beast. The Joes use loudspeakers to broadcast the chant, the beast follows them out to the sea, and the Joes bury the beast under rocks in the ocean.

The episode ends with the promise that the beast may be back.

Side note: The chant that Destro gives the Joes is a sentenced played backwards. The sentence says “Anyone listening to this backwards for a secret occult message is a real dweeb”

 The Good:

A sequel to a classic episode. Awesome continuity. Incredibly cool personal story about Dial-Tone.

The Bad:

I wanted so much more story from the beast. That should have been part of the movie.

#36: “Sink the Montana”

Original Air Date: September 29th, 1986

“The Montana and I Serve Cobra now. 100%”

US Admiral George Latimer

The USS Montana, a Navy battleship, is being decommissioned. The ship’s captain, Admiral George Latimer, is not happy about it.

Before the ship is officially decommissioned, Admiral Latimer defects to Cobra and hands the ship over to Destro. Cobra gives the Montana some modern tech to stop the US Navy from sinking the ship. No modern warship can get close to the Montana. The Joes need old tech, so they steal the USS Constitution.

Shipwreck is hear for the cosplay because he is dressed for the late 18th century.

The Joes get to the Montana, Destro abandons Latimer, And Hawk punches and captures the Admiral so he can watch the Montana sink. Latimer is teary eyed.

 The Good:

Great story about a person from General Hawk’s past.

The Bad:

Why is an Admiral captain of a battleship? Why would an Admiral defect to Cobra over an old battleship?

#35: “Battle for the Train of Gold”

Original Air Date: October 16th, 1985

“There’s over sixty billion in gold in Fort Knox. With that kind of money Cobra Commander would not have to conquer the world, he could buy it.”

Scarlett

Cobra attacks the US Bureau of Engraving, where they make the money, and the only thing the snakes want is a tape. Said tape gives Cobra info on how to get the gold in Fort Knox.

Led by Zartan and the Dreadnoks, the gold is cleaned out of Fort Knox and loaded onto a Cobra bullet train. The Joes have to chase the train. Thunder knows a local guy with horses, so the Joes use the stallions to chase down the gold. We see that Gung-Ho is not good at riding horses.

The Joes stop the train, Zartan and the Dreadnoks escape, and Gung-Ho rides off into the sunset not on a horse, but on an Awe Stryker.

 The Good:

Fun episode with great Joe character work.

The Bad:

How in the hell is Cobra robbing Fort Knox this easily? How did they get easy access to the Bureau of Engraving? I am calling some BS.

#34: “Let’s Play Soldier”

Original Air Date: September 30th, 1986

“Don’t call me sir. I work for a living.”

Leatherneck

This is an incredibly social conscience episode of GI Joe. We are introduced to the dust children of Thailand. They are the left behind children of American soldiers. These kids are considered lower than dirt, hence the name of dust children.

The story focuses on Dr Mindbender creating a mind control gum using the sap of native trees. Leatherneck is the defacto caretaker of the dust children and trains them to be disciplined. The Joes stop Cobra, of course.

In the end, Leatherneck says all the kids can come to America to be adopted. The kids refuse because while they may be looked down upon, this is still their home.

 The Good:

An incredible and important story from a kid’s cartoon. Leatherneck is awesome in this episode.

The Bad:

The actual Cobra plot is not that great.

#33: “The Phantom Brigade”

Original Air Date: October 9th, 1985

“This is madness. Ghosts, in the service of Cobra.”

Baroness

Cobra Commander seeks the help of a gypsy who can call upon the dead to do the Commander’s bidding. The three ghosts called on consist of a Mongolian warrior, a Roman centurion, and a US World War I biplane pilot. The ghost attack with supernatural force. The Joes cannot stop the supernatural attacks of the phantom soldiers.

Baroness tells the Joes about the ghosts because she is afraid Cobra Commander may replace her. Wild-Bill shows the ghost World War I pilot an American flag to convince the dead young man that we are all on the same side. The Joes make a deal with the ghosts to defeat Cobra Commander and grant the spirits everlasting peace.

The plan works, and the Joes release the spirits form their ties to earth. In the end, Wild Bill sees the phantom World War I pilot flying off into the sunset. Yo Joe.

 The Good:

A unique story with a truly touching ending.

The Bad:

The ghosts are the star of the story. G.I. Joe and Cobra are largely just background.

#32: “Not a Ghost of a Chance”

Original Air Date: November 13th, 1986

“Twenty Questions brings you the answers.”

Hector Ramirez

Hector Ramirez, the Host of Twenty Questions, is back with an exclusive live interview between Gi Joe and Cobra.

Lady Jaye and Hawk are put in the position to debate the history of Cobra against Serpentor, Dr Mindbender, and Cobra Commander. The Cobra’s are at their base, and the Joes, along with Hector Ramirez, are in what looks like a studio. The investigative news program is looking at whether Cobra shot down an experimental US bomber or if they are innocent.

The plane, called the Ghost, was being tested by Frank Sullivan and Ron Michaels. Flint has an issue with the shot down Michaels. It seems Flint believes that Lady Jaye and Captain Michaels may have a romantic thing going.

“Twenty Questions” and Hector Ramirez prove that Cobra shot down the Ghost, a fight ensues, and the Joes are able to rescue Reynolds and Michaels. In the end, Flint learns his thoughts of Michaels and Lady Jaye was a misunderstanding, and all is ok between the blossoming love of the two Joes.

 The Good:

Every episode with Hector Ramirez is a worthy episode. Good continuity with Ramirez listing all of the Cobra plots of the past.

The Bad:

Flint is pretty damn immature in this episode. Talk to your lady bro before you start with the accusations.

#31: “Glamour Girls”

Original Air Date: October 8th, 1986

“Beauty is so often wasted on the young.”

Madame Vail

Cobra is working with a Madame Vail to kidnap a bunch of young beautiful woman. The town’s top model keeps disappearing, including Low-Light’s sister Oona and her friend Satin. Lady Jaye and Cover Girl go to investigate, but they unfortunately get hypnotized by a disguised Zartan and his special camera.

All the girls are sent to Madame Vail’s island to be part of an experiment where the young models face will be transferred onto the aged Madame Vail. The idiotic Dreadnoks use Zartan’s camera to hypnotize Zarana, and send her to Madame Vail’s island. Cobra Commander refuses to rescue Zarana, so Zartan helps the Joes escape so they can save the girls.

Side note: Satin, the lounge singer from The Pyramid of Darkness series and the genius behind the hit song “The Cobra That Got Away” makes a return appearance as Oona’s friend.

Low-Light’s sister Oona is selected to have her face swapped onto Madame Vail’s face. The power is cut, Oona is saved, and Madame Vail is left without a face at all. It is disgusting to all in attendance.

 The Good:

Great Cobra plot. Awesome personal story with Lowlight, his name is Cooper. The second season does a great job fleshing out characters like Lowlight, Leatherneck, Lifeline, and Dial-Tone.

The Bad:

More Cobra idiotic shenanigans. Why does Zartan tolerate the Dreadnoks?

#30: “Computer Complications”

Original Air Date: September 26th, 1986

“Geez, you sound like my ex-wife.”

Mainframe

This is the G.I. Joe version of Romeo and Juliet. Mainframe and Zarana start a silent love affair.

Before we get to that awesomeness, we have a story about Cobra trying to get control of G.I. Joe ocean robots. There is the matter of an anti-matter pod that the Joes and Cobra’s want control of. Zarana is sent into G.I. Joe HQ designed as an army specialist assigned to the Joe computer systems. It is here that Mainframe falls for the disguised Zarana. Zarana seems torn about attacking Mainframe, but after some goading from Zartan, she follows through with the Cobra plan. During her escape, a fire breaks out around an unconscious Mainframe. Zarana keeps on her disguised infiltrator role, yet she still saves Mainframe from death. Mainframe even reluctantly escape. Even with her good actions, Zarana is successful.

In the ocean, the Joes and Cobra battle for the anti-matter pod. Both the Cobra Heli carrier and the Joe’s aircraft carrier, the USS Flagg, sink into the ocean.

At the end both Zarana and Mainframe look at the same moon wanting the embrace of the other.

The Good:

Again, this is the G.I. Joe version of Romeo and Juliet. It is awesome.

The Bad:

The action of the back story will pay off, but it is all out of place in this great episode. Also, why did Mainframe let Zarana escape? I guess he believes your girl comes before your country. His actions are related to the sinking of the USS Flagg.

#29: “Captives of Cobra”

Original Air Date: October 29th and 30th, 1985

 “Seize the families of these G.I. Joes and bring them to me.”

Baroness

A two-parter that shows us the inner lives of a few Joes.

The story starts with a Cobra lab that accidentally creates super explosive, and unstable, crystals. The original explosion caused a giant boulder to move into position that may crush a town. The Joes go to save the town and secure the explosive crystals.

Cobra Commander wants these crystals and has a plan to get them back. Storm Shadow is sent into to infiltrate the Pentagon and learn the true names of the GI Joe team and who and where to find their families.

The Joes whose information are compromised; Quick Kick (mom and dad), Scarlett (dad and three brothers), Thunder (mom, dad, and sister), Shipwreck (aunt, uncle, and nephew), Spirit (grandpa and cousin), and Barbeque (mom and dad). Cobra captures most of the family members and uses a device to brainwash their captives, so they attack the Joes. When the Joes try to safely move the crystals, the Cobra captives get in the way of the Joes. Shipwreck recognizes his nephew, and the rest of Joes see their relatives ready to attack.

To be continued

Part two follows the Joes trying to not hurt their brainwashed family members, and also not have the unstable crystals explode. After a few ups and downs, the Joes families are freed from control and the crystals are destroyed before Cobra can nab them.

We do learn that one more Joe had their information compromised. Gung-Ho and his family (100+ members). The Baroness tries to capture them, but the Bayou group easily turn her away. Gung-Ho’s grandma does not care about the distraction, she is mad at her Joe grandson for being late.

 The Good:

Really cool to see the private lives of a few Joes.

The Bad:

Baroness seems extra psychotic. The crystal story is kind of is kind of a distraction to the family story.

#28: “The M.A.S.S. Device”

Original Air Date: September 12th-16th, 1983

“Yo Joe”

many members of the GI Joe team

This is it. The very first time anyone saw the 1980’s GI Joe team fight Cobra on our televisions. The original five-parter that set the table for the greatness to come.

The plot?

Cobra has a special device, called M.A.S.S. that can transport stuff. The first problem is that Cobra needs a relay satellite to unleash the full potential of M.A.S.S. They get that when a disguised Baroness activates a device that allows Cobra to transfer a US Army satellite out of a base. The second problem is M.A.S.S. needs three special rare elements.

The Joes build their own M.A.S.S. and race Cobra to get the rare elements. We are introduced to the teams, Duke, Scarlett, Stalker, Snake Eyes and a few others on the Joes and Cobra Commander, Destro, and a blue suited Baroness for the Cobra’s. Snake Eyes almost dies from radiation poisoning, then he is almost eaten by a bear. A nice blind man cures Snake Eyes, and our black outfitted commando gains a new friend in the wolf Timber. The race for the elements span the globe. There are double-crosses, a nearly destroyed New York City, and a bunch of blue laser on red laser fighting

Everything we love started here, the Joes finding ways to beat Cobra, the Cobra’s having internal fights, the Arena of Sport, it all started here. In the end the Joes stop Cobra and the world is saved. Yo Joe indeed.

 The Good:

This is the beginning. What happened here set the table for the future. Also, this was the only G.I. Joe tv we had for a year. Also, also, Scarlett is awesome in this series.

The Bad:

It was the first. Many of our favorite characters were not introduced yet.

Come back tomorrow to find out G.I. Joe adventures almost made it into the top ten.

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero": Earthquakes, Christmas, and Weather Domination

Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.

Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.

Need to catch up? Part 1

Today I present part two of my countdown of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Enjoy.

#59: “Cobra Quake”

Original Air Date: October 28th, 1985

“Cooperation of nations is dangerous to Cobra.”

Cobra Commander

There is a big summit of nations in Tokyo. In town, Bazooka and Quick Kick are teaching a class to a few trainees. We learn at this time that Bazooka is not great on disarming the bombs. Honestly, he is kind of a doofus.

In the meantime, Cobra has captured Japan’s top hurricane expert. Storm Shadow and a bunch of ninjas fight the Joes during the kidnapping. Cobra has a machine that will cause a quake, and they want to use it to ruin the meeting of nations. Anytime Bazooka sees a bomb, he wants to disarm it. Quick Kick keeps stopping him. In the end Bazooka must disarm bomb, with the help of a trainee, Bazooka is finally successful.

At the end, all the Joes are eating octopus, Gung Ho, Flint, and Bazooka are not happy.

 The Good:

Cool story with great ninja action. Strong Bazooka episode

The Bad:

Beginning makes little sense to story (padding). Stop treating Bazooka like a doofus, he is a Joe.

#58: “Operation Mind Menace”

Original Air Date: October 15th, 1985

“That’s great Flash. I like your positive attitude.”

Airborne

Cobra is gathering people with psionic powers and using tech to enslave the people and enhance their abilities. Airborne’s little brother Tommy has powers, he is telekinetic. Airborne and Tommy also have a psychic connection.

Airborne and Flash follow Cobra to Easter Island. A big battle breaks out, then suddenly the giant heads being animated and controlled by Cobra’s psionic slaves. Airborne and Flash get captured.

While the Joes attack the Cobra base, Airborne gets Tommy to overcome Cobra’s control by showing him an old toy airplane. Joes win.

 The Good:

Interesting idea. The animated stone golems on Easter Island are cool as hell.

The Bad:

The idea of psionic powered people is ever seen again. Airborne’s powers, or his brother, are forgotten.

#57: “An Eye for an Eye”

Original Air Date: November 8th, 1985

“Skip the lecture soldier boy. Who do I see to settle the score?”

Charles Fairmont

In a battle with Cobra, the Joes accidently contribute to causing a fire at a family home. The mother and two kids get out but must be hospitalized. The dad, Charles Fairmont, is mad and wants revenge. He is also quite rude to Flint

Charles breaks into G.I. Joe headquarters and convinces Lady Jaye to help him get revenge. Lady Jaye is trying to bring Charles to a deserted Cobra base, but Cobra high command is there and working.  Lady Jaye gets caught. The Joes come to rescue, and Charles has a chance to kill Cobra Commander. Charles is tricked and Flint saves him from head snake, who escapes.

In the end Charles is reunited with his family and is still not happy. Plus, he is still rude to Flint.

 The Good:

Great idea. Fun episode.

The Bad:

Lady Jaye was out of character in helping Charles and risking court martial. She is not Shipwreck.

#56: Secondhand Emotions

Original Air Date: October 31st, 1986

“I feel awful about what I did at church.”

Lifeline

It is the wedding day of Lifeline’s little sister. A few Joes accompany the team medic to Pittsburgh for the ceremony. Lifeline’s father, a preacher, does not approve of his son joining the military. Like Lifeline, his dad is a pacifist.

Zartan and crew crash the wedding and shoot the Joes with devices that can change their emotions due to music Dr Mindbender plays on an organ. Because of the Cobra emotion control, Lifeline acts like an ass at his sister’s wedding. The Joes are in disarray because their emotions are taking over their actions.

In the end, Lifeline reconciles with his dad, the Joes confront their fears and overcome the emotion controls because Serpentor misuses the organ. The wedding is pulled off with no problems.

 The Good:

Great character story for Lifeline.

The Bad:

A little dull. The animation is a bit shoddy

#55: “Cobra Claws are Coming to Town”

Original Air Date: November 7th, 1985

“Happy Holidays from Wild Weasel you holiday turkeys.”

Wild Weasel

The GI Joe Christmas special.

Cobra hides them self, miniaturized by the way, in toys the Joes are collecting for kids. Also, Mutt is gloomy because Christmas always makes him gloomy. While out moping, Mutt runs afoul of the mini Cobra’s starting to attack. The bad guys are hit with an enlarging ray, Destro’s Molecular Reducer Enlarger, and Cobra takes over the Joe HQ. Cobra Commander puts most of the Joes in an icebox, hanging from hooks by their handcuffs, the Commander also leaves a key to their cuffs just out of reach. Pervy Shipwreck uses skill to get leverage and escape his hook and get the key.

Meanwhile, Cobra is going to attack Keystone City with Joe equipment to make everyone turn against the good guys. In a fight with Destro, Polly the parrot gets hit with the Molecular Reducer Enlarger, a few times, before the device is broken. The Joes chase Cobra in the Cobra gear. A fight on the ground and in the air. Cobra Commander is going to kill Duke, until a giant Polly saves him.

oes win, it is Christmas, Mutt does not have the blues anymore, and Polly is very large. Episode ends with a “bah humbug” from Shipwreck.

 The Good:

Super fun episode.

The Bad:

Not really part of the series. Meant to be a one off special.

#54: “GI Joe and the Golden Fleece”

Original Air Date: October 27th, 1986

“It’s almost like we went back in time.”

Lifeline

The episode where G.I. Joe and Cobra become the living embodiment of Greek mythology.

The Joes and Cobra are fighting in the eastern Mediterranean. A weird ship appears, and a golden shell falls out. Cobra shoots it, and all the sudden the old decrepit Athens Parthenon is restored. Long story short, a few Joes and Cobras have been transplanted in time to the days of Ancient Greece.

We learn that Sgt Slaughter learned some Greek in college, and the locals think he is Hercules. The Joes and Cobra are being recognized as figures from Greek mythology. In ancient times, both sides figure out how to power their modern devices.

Lady Jaye ends up shooting the shell when everyone is close, and all the Joes and Cobras are transported back to modern times. The spaceship returns and the shell is retrieved. We find out it was a kid’s toy.

 The Good:

Really cool story.

The Bad:

A bit fantastical even for GI Joe.

#53: “Joes Night Out”

Original Air Date: November 10th, 1986

“Dance fools, dance”

Serpentor

Dial Tone has a date for the new local dance club, and Wetsuit and Leatherneck want in on the action. Dial Tone’s date can get two friends for the SEAL and Marine. Meanwhile, a Dr. Mulaney is having trouble perfecting his nitrogen fuel project for General Hawk. The three lovelorn Joes and their dates meet up to go to the new club. Dial Tone and Wetsuit are happy with their coupling, Leatherneck is not, his girl is not attractive.

At the club we softly hear the Satin hit “The Cobra Who Got Away”. Then suddenly, the club is launched into space. The club is a Cobra plot to get the Joes to hand over Dr Mulaney and his Nitrogen fuel engine. On the ground, Dr Mulaney surrenders, on the club, the Joes work to save everyone. There are explosives on the club/saucer. Wetsuit MacGyver’s a space suit, with soda cans as propellant, and goes to disarm the bombs. He runs out of air, and Leatherneck gets the last bomb. Dial Tone figures out how to land the club/saucer back on earth. Cobra craft equipped with the Nitrogen fuel engines keep failing. The Joes win. The guys girls are happy, yet Leatherneck has the ugly girl, so he is not happy.

 The Good:

Funny and action packed. Loved hearing “The Cobra That Got Away” again.

The Bad:

The animation is pretty bad.

#52 “Cobra’s Creatures”

Original Air Date: September 30th, 1985

“To fail me is fatal.”

Cobra Commander

First things first. The episode starts with Airborne, Mutt, and Junkyard parachuting out of Skystrikers. Junkyard is a dog, and he is individually parachuting.

Unfortunately, the three never reappear. They were captured by Cobra.

At the Cobra base, Cobra Commander is listening to Dr. Lucifer about his invention of High Freq. This system allows Cobra to control animals. Dr Lucifer wants to be reunited with the love of his life Professor Atila; she is in prison.

High Freq is used on Junkyard, and the dog is sent out to get his master Mutt. Scarlett tries to act as Professor Atilla and get Dr Lucifer. Unfortunately, Dr Lucifer knows that Professor Atilla hates him. Junkyard keeps hunting Mutt, even though Mutt saves his pooch from a gator. Animals are taking stuff over all around the world. Soon Snake Eyes and Spirit show up with their animals Timber and Freedom. A bunch of animal action, the Joes destroy the High Freq machine. Cobra Commander escapes, but the Joes capture Dr. Lucifer. They send him to a prison cell with Professor Atilla.

 The Good:

Dr Lucifer and Professor Atilla are great names for bad guys. The High Freq idea is awesome.

The Bad:

It is sad to see Junkyard go after Mutt.

#51: “The Invaders”

Original Air Date: November 29th, 1985

“The so-called super-powers have fallen for our trick.”

Cobra Commander

The Joes are going after the Crimson twins, and then the Oktober Guard (Soviet GI Joes) show up to the fight.

A quick note, the Joes have red lasers, Cobra has blue, and the Oktober Guard has green lasers.

Tomax and Xamot get kidnapped by aliens, and the Joes and Oktober Guard are quite confused. The Joes need the help of the Oktober Guard to defeat the aliens, the otherworldly beings are attacking the US and the Soviet Union. Joes team up with Oktober Guard to get rid of the threat with a Joe working with one of their Soviet counterparts.

Snake Eyes and Wong discover Zartan and the Dreadnoks are posing as the aliens. The flying saucers are shot down. In the end Gung-Ho and his Soviet counterpart, Horror Show, laugh off their rivalry. Here comes perestroika.

 The Good:

A great story with the Oktober Guard.

The Bad:

Pretty unbelievable episode, even for GI Joe. Everybody was just pretty stupid.

#50: “The Great Alaskan Land Rush”

Original Air Date: December 3rd, 1985

“Whoever owns the seal, owns Alaska”

Honest Gurky

I know that there are only two episodes that utilize the Oktober Gaurd, and I have placed these two episodes next to each other in my rankings. The truth is these episodes played with only one other in between. In three weeks we got two Oktober Guard stories, and the dynamics seem about the same.

The Joes are attacked in Washington DC. The only thing stolen was some rando document that means very little. Unfortunately, the document says that whoever owns the great seal of Alaska is the rightful owner of Alaska. That person is Gurky Potemkin, a person backed by the Crimson Twins.

Alaska is now GurkyLand with a motto that states “Takus All You Canus”. The Joes go to find the real seal, but the Oktober Guard is also on the case to take Alaska back for the Motherland. The two frenemies find an old Russian village built from the descendants of the original Russian expedition of the 1850’s, a ship called the Romanov. After a while, the Joes, Oktober Guard, and the descendants of the Romanov decide to work together. Battle ensues. The Oktober Guard reluctantly gives the Joes the seal, and Gurky is kicked out.

 The Good:

Another awesome episode with the Oktober Guard. Cool story.

The Bad:

The double crossing from the Oktober Guard is unnecessary.

#49: “The Revenge of Cobra”

Original Air Date: September 10th-14th, 1984

“With my new invention The Weather Dominator I shall destroy GI Joe with the irresistible power of nature itself.”

Destro

The second five-part miniseries of the original cartoon’s run. A whole new cast of characters joins the hold overs from the first miniseries. We get our first crack at Zartan, Storm Shadow, a Crimson Guardsman, Flint, Lady Jaye, Spirit, Mutt and Junkyard, and many more. This is the series that also introduced us to the awesome Shipwreck.

The story involves Destro’s newest invention, The Weather Dominator. To start things off, Cobra captures G.I.Joe’s laser core along with Duke and Snake Eyes. The two captured Joes are made to entertain Cobra in the Arena of Sport. Flint, Mutt, and Junkyard also meet Shipwreck, a mercenary sailor holed up in a Cobra town in the middle of the desert.

The Joes and Cobra travel around the world battling to gain the three pieces. Zartan double crosses everyone in the end. The Joes, with the help of Roadblock’s new friend Honda Lou, defeat the bad guys and capture Cobra Commander. Destro flees at the end and vows revenge.

 The Good:

Some of the best characters of the series were introduced here. The show would never be the same without guys like Zartan and Shipwreck.

The Bad:

The story is essential the same format as the first miniseries. Duke and Snake Eyes are largely set aside.

Come back tomorrow for more adventures of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

Come and support us and the podcast on Patreon.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.  

Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero": Spies, Slaughter, and Serpentor

Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.

Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.

Today I present part one of my countdown of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Enjoy.

#74: The Spy Who Rooked Me

Original Air Date: October 13th, 1986

“Burke, Matthew Burke”

Matthew Burke

This is the one episode of “G.I. Joe: An American Hero” you can skip.

It stinks.

Welcome to the the James Bond Episode of GI Joe. At the time, James Bond was in a dark period. “A View to a Kill” was the big Bond movie. “A View to a Kill” may have Grace Jones and Christopher Walken, but it also has a way to old Roger Moore as 007 for the last time. Despite the Duran Duran song, “A View to a Kill” is no good, just like “The Spy Who Rooked Me.”

The plot? A British agent, Matthew Burke, seemingly as old as Roger Moore, with high tech gadgets (from his AUNTIE) helps the Joes stop Zartan and the Dreadnoks from getting some gas cannisters. Twist after twist. In the end the Joes were decoys and Agent Burke already moved the gas. The end.

The Good:

Matt Burke flirting with Lady Jaye, and she is flirting back. Flint is not happy.

The Bad:

The voice of General Hawk is different. The animation is very spotty. The story is boring.

#73: Ninja Holiday

Original Air Date: October 22nd, 1986

“Prepare to fight, slaughterhouse style.”

Sgt Slaughter

Despite the low ranking, this episode like all that follow are worth a look. In other words, “Ninja Holiday” is the worst of the best.

HOT TAKE ALERT: I’m not a big fan of Sgt. Slaughter. I like his no nonsense approach, his in your face attitude, and his voice of the people. He is like the Poochie of the G.I. Joe universe. He sticks out in all of his episodes because he is the focus of all of his episodes. Sgt Slaughter is a super hero in a world of ultra specialized military guys with sci fi equipment. Also, I know all about the ninja awesomeness of Snake Eyes, but that awesomeness was not in the cartoon. I am not upset that Snake Eyes does not factor into this episode.

Joe Navy Seal Wetsuit is going to enter a martial arts contest put on by Pierre LaFont. Sgt Slaughter tells Wetsuit no way, but Slaughter is mistaken for Wetsuit and captured by LaFont’s men.

At the contest, Sgt Slaughter beats the hell out of everyone. In the end Wetsuit shows up and has to fight Slaughter. They put on a show, beat the bad guys. In the end, Sgt Slaughter learns that Cobra Commander wanted LaFont to find an assassin who would kill Serpentor. Also, Storm Shadow is with Cobra Commander, another ninja who did not facto into a story called Ninja Holiday.

The Good:

The variety of fighters, including a cook, is pretty cool.

The Bad:

A typical Sgt Slaughter is a superhero episode. Why for an episode called Ninja Holiday did Storm Shadow only show up in the end with no dialogue and no action. I am repeating myself.

#72: Jungle Trap

Original Air Date: September 27th, 1985

“I bet my bush hat, that is where Cobra is holed up”

Recondo

Cobra is looking to create/use The Vulcan Machine, a gun that ignites molten lava. The Joe team must stop the snakes.

Overall this is a Recondo episode. His skill set, and toy actions, are the highlight of everything the Joes do. At one point he even saves a Rhino because the jungle animals deserve to be saved. Also, Snake Eyes kicks a hyena. Pretty basic stuff.

The Good:

Fleshes out the character of Recondo. Did I mention that Snake Eyes kicks a hyena

The Bad:

Nothing memorable in the episode, except for Snake Eyes kicking a hyena.

 #71: Cobra Sound Waves

Original Air Date: October 17th, 1985

“If Cobra’s got all the cards, let’s deal ourselves a new hand.”

Ace

Cobra has a sound cannon that rips stuff apart. High tech stuff like fighter jets.

Joe pilot Ace is featured in the episode. He finds the secret river to save the Joes. He leads a low tech glider attack on the cannon. Cobra Commander gets greedy and makes their super weapon fall and get destroyed. There is a robot crab. Joes win.

The Good:

Great character action with Ace

The Bad:

Nothing memorable outside of Ace

#70: The Greenhouse Effect

Original Air Date: October 3rd, 1985

“Them Cobras are slipperier than new soap”

Wild Bill

A Crimson Guardsman disguised as a janitor in a lab working on nitrogen rocket fuel, steals a cannister. While on the run he stashes the fuel cannister into a pot at a dudes greenhouse. The greenhouse belongs to Harvey, a man that has a weird relationship with his plants.

Later at the county fair, Harvey’s plant is growing big and producing all sorts of fruits. Then the plant starts attacking everyone with its vines and fruits. The Joes cannot stop it. Destro wants to use this new discovery to create a jungle of these monster plants. In the end it is up to Airtight, and his vast knowledge of chemicals, to come up with a plan to stop the menacing plant monster. Joes win.

The Good:

With this chemical plant combo, Cobra may have solved world hunger.

The Bad:

Airtight is not the most dynamic character when we need a hero to root for..

#69: Cobra Stops the World

Original Air Date: September 26th, 1985

“Destro does not celebrate until his wars are won.”

Destro

A Sparks episode. Celebrate because we only get two times to appreciate Sparks, the man with no official figure in the original line.

Cobra Commander is making oil tankers disappear, destroying oil platforms, and bombing refineries. His goal is to stop the flow of the world’s energy supply. Colonel Sharp uses our boy Sparks to find out where Cobra is transmitting it’s threats. If they find the base, the Joes can stop Cobra from depriving the world of oil.

Deep Six and Torpedo use the SHARC, and their toy action, to sink a Cobra water base. Scarlett beats the hell out of a bunch Cobra’s holed up in the suburbs. Ace and Duke get caught by Major Bludd, who is duping a group of natives into helping Cobra. Eventually, Sparks builds his tracking unit, Duke and Ace escape in a stolen Rattler, the Joes attack Cobra’s base, and the world once again gets to depend on oil as it’s primary fuel source.

The Good:

A fun little adventure. The SHARC and the water Joes of the time (no Shipwreck unfortunately). This episode showed you how to play with the SHARC and Skystriker. It was a great commercial for those toys.

The Bad:

Seems like this episode was supposed to be after the first miniseries. It feels out of place out of place.

#68: My Brother’s Keeper

Original Air Date: October 15th, 1986

“Sci Fi, this is stupid”

Sgt Slaughter

Dr Mindbender needs renown quantum physicist Dr. Jeremy Penser to help Cobra fix their newest superweapon, the Voltranic Galaxator. For some reason this world renowned physicist is going to be signing books at the local science fiction convention. Dr Penser is wheelchair bound, and a big ass to his little brother Timothy. Mindbender promises that Dr Penser will walk if he helps Cobra. The good grumpy doctor agrees to go work with Cobra.

Trying to save his ungrateful older brother, Timothy steals a Havoc and Sgt Slaughter and Sci-Fi chase him down. Sgt Slaughter is a superhero taking Cobra stuff down. Dr Penser will not shoot his little brother and sabotages the Voltranic Galaxator, everyone is saved. In the end and Jeremy is still an ass to his little bro, but Timothy is ok with it.

The Good:

Sci-Fi at a comic con. Awesome weapon name.

The Bad:

Sgt Slaughter being superhuman. Forgettable story.

#67: Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep

Original Air Date: November 20th, 1986

“Well this is right embarrassing.”

Cross-Country

The last episode of the classic series. Heavily featuring country music loving Joe Cross-Country (and his unfortunate confederate flag belt buckle).

In this series finale we have Cobra cat like robots stealing random junk from the Joes. Cross-Country goes to investigate and discovers The Coil, Cobra Commanders new group who wants to overthrow Serpentor. Fights happen, Cross-Country gets away, warns Joes, slaves are freed, and Cobra Commander gets away to continue the misadventures of The Coil.

The Good:

Great setup for the future of the show with The Coil

The Bad:

No follow up. Episode focuses on Cross-Country

#66: Iceberg Goes South

Original Air Date: October 9th, 1986

“What are they doing to poor Iceberg?”

Snowjob

The Joes meet The Island of Dr Moreau.

Full disclosure. I really like the weirdness of the episode. This may be one of the freakiest half hours of kid cartooning ever. Having said that, the weirdness does not make up for how out of place this particular adventure seems.

Iceberg is in the arctic and meets up an old friend that works in the TropoDome. The rest of the Joes are testing out equipment in the frozen landscape. The Polar Battle Bear and Snow Cat get highlighted so kids can tell their parents about what new toys they need to buy. Strange that Snow Job is driving the Snow Cat and Frostbite, the figure that came with the toy, is not even in the episode.

In the TropoDome, Dr Mindbender is making people into animals. To keep the hybrid creatures stable they need protein. therefore all the abominations are fed meat. Iceberg is captured and is turned into a killer whale. The Joes storm the TrpoDome, Killer Whale Iceberg starts to attack and defend the Joes. A lot of animal man hybrid mayhem ensues. Dr. Mindbender escapes. The Joes save Iceberg by stopping him from eating wild seals, which would permanently make him a killer whale. Iceberg’s friend drugs him, and turns him back to normal. The end.

The Good:

This is a crazy surreal episode. Strong Iceberg action, the Joe from Texas who loves the snow.

The Bad:

Unlike any other GI Joe episode, and not necessarily in a good way.

#65: Last Hour to Doomsday

Original Air Date: September 25th, 1986

“Destro stop moaning like a lovestruck schoolboy and move out the giant vortex cone.”

Cobra Commander

The first episode after the “Arise, Serpentor, Arise” five-parter. No Serpentor, but we do have BATS and Dr Mindbender.

This is a story about how Flint and Lady Jaye infiltrate, escape, get captured, and escape again from Cobra. They are also put into a tank with a giant octopus.

The Cobra has a device to make giant waves. Cobra Commander is going to destroy the east coast if he doesn’t get what he wants. The Joes have a battle with BATS on the ocean floor. Wetsuit disables the vortex cone. Joes win.

The Good:

Great use of the underwater Joes and a great BATS battle on the bottom of the ocean.

The Bad:

Almost too much action. Hard to know what is going on. A bunch of season 2 stuff was absent from the episode like Serpentor and Night Ravens. Not great when we just got done introducing all of that in last week’s episodes.

#64: Money to Burn

Original Air Date: October 14th, 1985

“Citizens of the United States. I am happy to announce Cobra’s economic recovery plan.”

Cobra Commander

Cobra burns up all the money in the US with a molecular de-generator device. After the economic collapse, Cobra Commander offers Cobra dollars to get everyone back on their feet. T

he Joes try to intervene, the public riots. When Alpine saves a girl, all is well with the rioters.

Ripcord gets featured in this episode when he parachutes into a mountain. It was a holograph. The Joes stop Cobra’s ruse. In the end the Joes play cards and Ripcord takes the pot when he beats master card player Ace.

The Good:

Great Crimson Twin stuff. Awesome character building for Ace and Ripcord.

The Bad:

Not the best Cobra plan ever. All falls apart pretty quickly.

#63: My Favorite Things

Original Air Date: October 16th, 1986

“For my powers to be complete, I must gather a few of my favorite things.”

Serpentor

Serpentor was created with the DNA of history’s greatest evil military leaders. Now he wants to reclaim the artifacts of all those leaders. The Joes chase Serpentor and Cobra all over the world as the Cobra Emperor tries to achieve his goal.

At Count Dracula’s castle, Serpentor poisons Leatherneck with a poison dart (the poison is Serpentor’s blood). Wetsuit wants to save his buddy and takes Lifeline to India to stop Serpentor’s next collection. The thing Serpentor wants is a giant snake, his old pet. Wetsuit is afraid of snakes, Lifeline, the pacifist, belittles tough guy Wetsuit. The two Joes get the antidote, and then Wetsuit blows up Cobra’s escape making the giant snake get trapped in the earth.

In the end, Wetsuit and Leatherneck are recovering in a hospital. We know they are feeling better because the start up with their endless bickering and fist throwing.

The Good:

Great Wetsuit and Leatherneck stuff. Good world building for Serpentor

The Bad:

Tons of action make it hard to establish stakes for the Joes. If this was a multi-part episode, it would have been awesome.

#62: The Germ

Original Air Date: October 23rd, 1985

“Now it’s just a germ, soon it will be a conqueror of worlds”

Destro

This episode is all about Airtight.

Cobra steals a formula that they accidently release, and it creates a massive blob destroying everything in front of it. Ace tries to bomb it, no good. Airtight flies an experimental craft and tries to destroy the nucleus of the blob. It splits the creature.

Airtight thinks apple seeds, they have arsenic, will kill the blob. The Joes direct one of the blobs to an apple orchard, and it dies. The other blob is heading to New York City. The Joes bomb and gun it with apples. The blob is destroyed.

The Good:

Trippy episode. Interesting story

The Bad:

One of the few episodes with no Cobra Commander in it. Sorry to say this again, but Airtight is not the most action oriented character. I owned his figure as a kid. I rarely played with it.

#61: Bazooka Saw a Sea Serpent

Original Air Date: October 31st, 1985

“Will you work?”

The Sea Serpent

There is a giant mechanical sea snake terrorizing the seas. Bazooka sees it, no one believes him.

Meanwhile, Tomax and Xamot carnival flip into a group of dudes and the crimson twins tell them that the dudes will pay Cobra or more ships will be lost.

Later, a nice yacht is being destroyed by the sea serpent. Little Jimmy loses his dog Bucky to the monster. Lady Jaye, Quick Kick, and Shipwreck find Cobra’s ship. In the fight, the remote for the sea serpent is broken. The creature goes wild and swallows Cobra’s and Joes.

In the belly of the beast, all the captives must sort the treasure the beast has captured. Including Cobra Commander. Every time the creature eats, it grows. The creature goes for New York harbor to eat more. Bazooka gets the beast to bite its own tail. Joes win, Bazooka gets the big catch, and Jimmy gets reunited with Bucky.

The Good:

Well thought out story.

The Bad:

End is a bit rushed. Another story that would have been better as a two-parter?

#60: Arise, Serpentor, Arise

Original Air Date: September 15th-19th, 1986

“For I am Serpentor, and this I command.”

Serpentor

The five-part beginning to the second season of the Sunbow cartoon. The creation and rise of the Cobra emperor, Serpentor. The introduction of tons of new characters; Beach Head, Wetsuit, Leatherneck, General Hawk, Low Light, Mainframe, Monkeywrench, Thrasher, Dr Mindbender, the BATS, and Sgt Slaughter (to name a few).

Cobra ambushes the Joes at their base. Cobra Commander uses his new Battle Android Troopers (BATS) to beat the Joes back. Right when it looks bad for our heroes, Sgt Slaughter comes in to save the day.

After the debacle at the Joe base, Dr Mindbender wants a new leader for Cobra. He has a weird dream about DNA. He enlists Destro and the Crimson Twins to help on his quest. Cobra Commander is not happyy, but plays along because he is not as supported by his troops as he wants to be.

Cobra and Joe fights around the world collecting DNA from long dead evil leaders. The Oktober Guard gets involved. Sgt Slaughter is a badass at all times. Cobra Commander tries to sabotage the project. It works, then it doesn’t.

Once the new Cobra Emperor Serpentor is born, he fights Sgt Slaughter, and then he immediately puts together an operation to take Washington DC. Intially succesfell, Cobra does take DC and Serpentor sits on Abraham Lincoln’s lap in the 16th President’s memorial. The Joes fight back, Serpentor needs to retreat because of supply issues. Cobra Commander saves Serpentor at the last minute, and the emperor takes the former head of Cobra with him to use the Commander as a patsy.

A new age of Cobra is born.

The Good:

The dawn of a new era. The introduction of Wetsuit and Leatherneck

The Bad:

I talked about how Sgt Slaughter is a distraction in many of his episodes. This is where it started. The whole series is awesome, it just focusses too much on Slaughter. I know that is not a popular opinion, but my science doesn’t lie.

All right, that’s it for today. Come back tomorrow to see the next group of episodes to be ranked.

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

Come and support us and the podcast on Patreon.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.  

Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" Introduction

Growing up in the 1980’s my Saturday mornings were filled with cartoons that were blatant thirty minute adverts for the toys that connected to the show. On top of that, during the commercial breaks my young impressionable mind was seeing thirty second spots enticing us with sugary cereals, video games, and so many toys. It was an awesome time to be a kid. The 1980’s were truly a golden age of advertisement directed to children.

“G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” premiered on September 12th, 1983. The first series, known now as “The M.A.S.S. Device”. ran for five straight weekdays. The series was a follow up to the revamped 3 and 3/4 inch toyline and the Marvel comic book series that both premiered in 1982. After the success of the first miniseries, G.I. Joe was back in September of 1984 with a new five part mini-series, “The Revenge of Cobra”. The second series was also a big hit, mainly due to the fact the toy line was expanding, and the series featured these new characters like Flint, Lady Jaye, Zartan, the Dreadnoks, and the great Shipwreck.

With two hit miniseries, “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” was given the full season order in 1985. The third miniseries “The Pyramid of Darkness” premiered in September, and was followed by fifty more episodes. In September of 1986 the five parter “Arise, Serpentor, Arise” kicked off season two, and was followed by twenty five new thirty minute adventures for the Joes and Cobra. Each season also saw the introduction of new characters who had corresponding toys at your local stores.

“G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” was a big part of my childhood. The episodes aired on weekday afternoons in suburban St. Louis. I would rush home from school to watch my favorite toy line have adventures on my television. The next day my friends and I would talk about G.I.Joe, play with our G.I. Joe toys, and talk about what new G.I. Joe toys we wanted. I was more obsessed with G.I. Joe than I was even with Star Wars.

Decades later, being an adult, I looked back fondly on G.I. Joe, but never gave it much thought. I saw the two live action movies and thought they were ok. The second one is much better than the first, but I was not overly excited about the films. Around the time my son was born, Netflix had the original Marvel/Sunbow run of the cartoon on their new streaming service. When I would sit with my infant son trying to get him to sleep, I would watch my old favorite cartoon.

I was pleasantly surprised that I still loved the show. I also realized that a lot of my progressive political ideas came from this toy commercial about war toys. Lady Jaye is the most competent leader the Joe’s have. There were episodes that dealt with environmental issues, inner city gangs, global fiscal policy, reliance on technology, the dangers of television, the dangers of trying to pursue beauty, and pacifism. There were a few culturally insensitive moments, looking at the character of Spirit, but these cringe worthy moments are very few compared to what was going on in media at the time. The point is that “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” is a show I enjoyed as a kid, it left an obvious mark on the way I see the world, and I still love it to this day.

During the pandemic, I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original series. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it. After a bunch of research and note taking, I have come up with the definitive ranking of the original run of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Like the classic show itself, I will release an article for five straight days. If you love the original series, I hope to bring back some joy in going back to the series. If you have never watched, please continue to read and behold the craziness of a show about military people fighting a circus of bad guys. In the end, I hope you all enjoy, or get mad, about these rankings.

Before I do start, a quick note on a few things.

I have ranked multi-part episodes as one story. Yes the show had 95 episodes, but in my rankings it told 74 stories. That is why the rankings start at 74.

I have not ranked the PSA’s that were shown after each episode. I may do that in the future.

I have not include the 1987 animated movie. If I had included it in the rankings, I would have ranked it near the bottom. I do have some nostalgic joy thinking of the movie, but it seemed very out of place from the original show. I know it’s hard to believe that a show which featured magical swords, a centuries old well monster, and ghosts, that Cobra-La is a bridge too far for me.

This is a ranking of just the Marvel/Sunbow run of the cartoon. I have not ranked any other animated forms of G.I. Joe. The DiC stuff would be at the rock bottom, the Extreme stuff is surprisingly good, I have not seen Spy Troops or Resolute, and I think the Renegades series is awesome, but none of it really relates to this first run.

Last, I want to thank a few outside sources I went to in order to rank these episodes with the most scientific means necessary. YoJoe.com is the definitive G.I. Joe website out there. The definitive podcast about G.I. Joe is Joe on Joe. I could not have been accurate in these rankings without those two outside sources.

Come back tomorrow to see the first episodes in my rankings.

Yo Joe.

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

Come and support us and the podcast on Patreon.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.  

SeedSing Classic: Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 2 - "G.I. Joe: Cobra Claws are Coming to Town"

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we are looking back at the great holiday music, movies, television episodes, and food of this great season. Enjoy

Day 2: "G.I. Joe - Cobra Claws are Coming to Town" Original air date, November 7th, 1985

Opened Doors: One

The holiday season tends to see a lot of people taking much needed time off work. Many companies are shorter staffed due to the large amount of employee vacations. The people left in the office around the end of December tend to be the people who do not particularly care for the whole holiday season. They may have no families, or they may not care for the one they have. Thank goodness for these people, because without them we would have no one to do any of the needed work during the end of December. Work like defending our nation from an evil terrorist organization determined to the rule the world.

In November of 1985, the G.I. Joe cartoon presented kids with a Christmas themed episode entitled "Cobra Claws are Coming to Town". The story begins with our real American heroes transporting a bunch of toys for a charity event, and then Cobra attacks. The Joes easily repel the attack, but Cobra agent Firefly leaves something with the toys. Once back at Joe headquarters, the team is getting ready to have Christmas dinner prepared by chef extraordinaire, and heavy machine gunner, Roadblock. Shipwreck, Blowtorch, Tripwire, Dusty, and Wild Bill are a few of the Joes all on duty during this holiday season. Cover Girl remarks to Duke that the Joes are a bit undermanned because so much of the team is off for the holidays. Duke reassures the tank driver that is all good because the Joes have an awesome laser security system to keep Cobra out. Everything should be peaceful this joyous night.

Roadblock's turkey is a big hit with the Joes, even Junkyard the dog gets a leg to feast on. Unfortunately. Junkyard's buddy Mutt is not feeling very festive. Duke chalks it all up to holiday blues. While walking off the blues, Mutt is ambushed by tiny Cobra troops that hid out in the toys Firefly left after the first attack. All of the Cobra high command along with a bunch of troops were shrunk down and made it behind the laser barrier by hiding in the toys. Once free, the Cobra troops are brought back to normal size by Destro's shrinking/enlarging gun. This holiday night was not going to be silent.

What follows is a typical G.I. Joe adventure. Cobra Commander has the upper hand, and can not lose, but he does. Destro invents a world-changing weapon, and once broken, we never see it again. Shipwreck makes lewd comments about a side of beef, and Duke is no nonsense. Oh, and Shipwreck's parrot Polly is shot with Destro's gun and becomes massive. With the gun destroyed, we never get any explanation on how this highly intellectual bird is brought back to normal size. This is what us kids wanted from G.I. Joe. Knowing the familiar plot beats was half the battle.

What makes "Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town" a holiday classic is the fact that it mimics all great Christmas shows, plus we have some kick butt red on blue laser battle action. Mutt is grumpy, then he is not. Cover Girl gives Duke a little kiss on the cheek and wishes him a Merry Christmas. Shipwreck is once again left dateless, plus he has a giant bird to contend with. Cobra Commander has to spend another holiday arguing with Destro and the Baroness. "Cobra Claws are Coming Town" showed that in the world of G.I. Joe, the themes of togetherness and teamwork did not take a vacation on Christmas. Work still had to be done while the small crew enjoyed Roadblock's feast, and that work was done to the same standard as the last 50 plus encounters with Cobra.

Many people are finalizing their plans for the upcoming holiday season. Offices will be mostly empty, those left behind may have the holiday blues, and work may seem a bit dull. Do not be fooled, the enemy may have revolutionary technology, and will use it to strike when your guard is down. Just remember, your coworkers who were also left behind will be there to have your back. Teamwork will make anyone's season sunny and bright.

RD

RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He kept yelling out COBRA while writing this, but was calm when he repeated Yo-Joe three times. 

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing

SeedSing's Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 2 - "G.I. Joe: Cobra Claws are Coming to Town"

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we will present a new awesome holiday television program for every day of Advent. This is the greatest tv of the season. Enjoy.

Day 2: "G.I. Joe - Cobra Claws are Coming to Town" Original air date, November 7th, 1985

Opened Doors: One

The holiday season tends to see a lot of people taking much needed time off work. Many companies are shorter staffed due to the large amount of employee vacations. The people left in the office around the end of December tend to be the people who do not particularly care for the whole holiday season. They may have no families, or they may not care for the one they have. Thank goodness for these people, because without them we would have no one to do any of the needed work during the end of December. Work like defending our nation from an evil terrorist organization determined to the rule the world.

In November of 1985, the G.I. Joe cartoon presented kids with a Christmas themed episode entitled "Cobra Claws are Coming to Town". The story begins with our real American heroes transporting a bunch of toys for a charity event, and then Cobra attacks. The Joes easily repel the attack, but Cobra agent Firefly leaves something with the toys. Once back at Joe headquarters, the team is getting ready to have Christmas dinner prepared by chef extraordinaire, and heavy machine gunner, Roadblock. Shipwreck, Blowtorch, Tripwire, Dusty, and Wild Bill are a few of the Joes all on duty during this holiday season. Cover Girl remarks to Duke that the Joes are a bit undermanned because so much of the team is off for the holidays. Duke reassures the tank driver that is all good because the Joes have an awesome laser security system to keep Cobra out. Everything should be peaceful this joyous night.

Roadblock's turkey is a big hit with the Joes, even Junkyard the dog gets a leg to feast on. Unfortunately. Junkyard's buddy Mutt is not feeling very festive. Duke chalks it all up to holiday blues. While walking off the blues, Mutt is ambushed by tiny Cobra troops that hid out in the toys Firefly left after the first attack. All of the Cobra high command along with a bunch of troops were shrunk down and made it behind the laser barrier by hiding in the toys. Once free, the Cobra troops are brought back to normal size by Destro's shrinking/enlarging gun. This holiday night was not going to be silent.

What follows is a typical G.I. Joe adventure. Cobra Commander has the upper hand, and can not lose, but he does. Destro invents a world-changing weapon, and once broken, we never see it again. Shipwreck makes lewd comments about a side of beef, and Duke is no nonsense. Oh, and Shipwreck's parrot Polly is shot with Destro's gun and becomes massive. With the gun destroyed, we never get any explanation on how this highly intellectual bird is brought back to normal size. This is what us kids wanted from G.I. Joe. Knowing the familiar plot beats was half the battle.

What makes "Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town" a holiday classic is the fact that it mimics all great Christmas shows, plus we have some kick butt red on blue laser battle action. Mutt is grumpy, then he is not. Cover Girl gives Duke a little kiss on the cheek and wishes him a Merry Christmas. Shipwreck is once again left dateless, plus he has a giant bird to contend with. Cobra Commander has to spend another holiday arguing with Destro and the Baroness. "Cobra Claws are Coming Town" showed that in the world of G.I. Joe, the themes of togetherness and teamwork did not take a vacation on Christmas. Work still had to be done while the small crew enjoyed Roadblock's feast, and that work was done to the same standard as the last 50 plus encounters with Cobra.

Many people are finalizing their plans for the upcoming holiday season. Offices will be mostly empty, those left behind may have the holiday blues, and work may seem a bit dull. Do not be fooled, the enemy may have revolutionary technology, and will use it to strike when your guard is down. Just remember, your coworkers who were also left behind will be there to have your back. Teamwork will make anyone's season sunny and bright.

RD

RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He kept yelling out COBRA while writing this, but was calm when he repeated Yo-Joe three times. 

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing