Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero": Earthquakes, Christmas, and Weather Domination
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Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.
Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.
Need to catch up? Part 1
Today I present part two of my countdown of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Enjoy.
#59: “Cobra Quake”
Original Air Date: October 28th, 1985
“Cooperation of nations is dangerous to Cobra.”
Cobra Commander
There is a big summit of nations in Tokyo. In town, Bazooka and Quick Kick are teaching a class to a few trainees. We learn at this time that Bazooka is not great on disarming the bombs. Honestly, he is kind of a doofus.
In the meantime, Cobra has captured Japan’s top hurricane expert. Storm Shadow and a bunch of ninjas fight the Joes during the kidnapping. Cobra has a machine that will cause a quake, and they want to use it to ruin the meeting of nations. Anytime Bazooka sees a bomb, he wants to disarm it. Quick Kick keeps stopping him. In the end Bazooka must disarm bomb, with the help of a trainee, Bazooka is finally successful.
At the end, all the Joes are eating octopus, Gung Ho, Flint, and Bazooka are not happy.
The Good:
Cool story with great ninja action. Strong Bazooka episode
The Bad:
Beginning makes little sense to story (padding). Stop treating Bazooka like a doofus, he is a Joe.
#58: “Operation Mind Menace”
Original Air Date: October 15th, 1985
“That’s great Flash. I like your positive attitude.”
Airborne
Cobra is gathering people with psionic powers and using tech to enslave the people and enhance their abilities. Airborne’s little brother Tommy has powers, he is telekinetic. Airborne and Tommy also have a psychic connection.
Airborne and Flash follow Cobra to Easter Island. A big battle breaks out, then suddenly the giant heads being animated and controlled by Cobra’s psionic slaves. Airborne and Flash get captured.
While the Joes attack the Cobra base, Airborne gets Tommy to overcome Cobra’s control by showing him an old toy airplane. Joes win.
The Good:
Interesting idea. The animated stone golems on Easter Island are cool as hell.
The Bad:
The idea of psionic powered people is ever seen again. Airborne’s powers, or his brother, are forgotten.
#57: “An Eye for an Eye”
Original Air Date: November 8th, 1985
“Skip the lecture soldier boy. Who do I see to settle the score?”
Charles Fairmont
In a battle with Cobra, the Joes accidently contribute to causing a fire at a family home. The mother and two kids get out but must be hospitalized. The dad, Charles Fairmont, is mad and wants revenge. He is also quite rude to Flint
Charles breaks into G.I. Joe headquarters and convinces Lady Jaye to help him get revenge. Lady Jaye is trying to bring Charles to a deserted Cobra base, but Cobra high command is there and working. Lady Jaye gets caught. The Joes come to rescue, and Charles has a chance to kill Cobra Commander. Charles is tricked and Flint saves him from head snake, who escapes.
In the end Charles is reunited with his family and is still not happy. Plus, he is still rude to Flint.
The Good:
Great idea. Fun episode.
The Bad:
Lady Jaye was out of character in helping Charles and risking court martial. She is not Shipwreck.
#56: Secondhand Emotions
Original Air Date: October 31st, 1986
“I feel awful about what I did at church.”
Lifeline
It is the wedding day of Lifeline’s little sister. A few Joes accompany the team medic to Pittsburgh for the ceremony. Lifeline’s father, a preacher, does not approve of his son joining the military. Like Lifeline, his dad is a pacifist.
Zartan and crew crash the wedding and shoot the Joes with devices that can change their emotions due to music Dr Mindbender plays on an organ. Because of the Cobra emotion control, Lifeline acts like an ass at his sister’s wedding. The Joes are in disarray because their emotions are taking over their actions.
In the end, Lifeline reconciles with his dad, the Joes confront their fears and overcome the emotion controls because Serpentor misuses the organ. The wedding is pulled off with no problems.
The Good:
Great character story for Lifeline.
The Bad:
A little dull. The animation is a bit shoddy
#55: “Cobra Claws are Coming to Town”
Original Air Date: November 7th, 1985
“Happy Holidays from Wild Weasel you holiday turkeys.”
Wild Weasel
The GI Joe Christmas special.
Cobra hides them self, miniaturized by the way, in toys the Joes are collecting for kids. Also, Mutt is gloomy because Christmas always makes him gloomy. While out moping, Mutt runs afoul of the mini Cobra’s starting to attack. The bad guys are hit with an enlarging ray, Destro’s Molecular Reducer Enlarger, and Cobra takes over the Joe HQ. Cobra Commander puts most of the Joes in an icebox, hanging from hooks by their handcuffs, the Commander also leaves a key to their cuffs just out of reach. Pervy Shipwreck uses skill to get leverage and escape his hook and get the key.
Meanwhile, Cobra is going to attack Keystone City with Joe equipment to make everyone turn against the good guys. In a fight with Destro, Polly the parrot gets hit with the Molecular Reducer Enlarger, a few times, before the device is broken. The Joes chase Cobra in the Cobra gear. A fight on the ground and in the air. Cobra Commander is going to kill Duke, until a giant Polly saves him.
oes win, it is Christmas, Mutt does not have the blues anymore, and Polly is very large. Episode ends with a “bah humbug” from Shipwreck.
The Good:
Super fun episode.
The Bad:
Not really part of the series. Meant to be a one off special.
#54: “GI Joe and the Golden Fleece”
Original Air Date: October 27th, 1986
“It’s almost like we went back in time.”
Lifeline
The episode where G.I. Joe and Cobra become the living embodiment of Greek mythology.
The Joes and Cobra are fighting in the eastern Mediterranean. A weird ship appears, and a golden shell falls out. Cobra shoots it, and all the sudden the old decrepit Athens Parthenon is restored. Long story short, a few Joes and Cobras have been transplanted in time to the days of Ancient Greece.
We learn that Sgt Slaughter learned some Greek in college, and the locals think he is Hercules. The Joes and Cobra are being recognized as figures from Greek mythology. In ancient times, both sides figure out how to power their modern devices.
Lady Jaye ends up shooting the shell when everyone is close, and all the Joes and Cobras are transported back to modern times. The spaceship returns and the shell is retrieved. We find out it was a kid’s toy.
The Good:
Really cool story.
The Bad:
A bit fantastical even for GI Joe.
#53: “Joes Night Out”
Original Air Date: November 10th, 1986
“Dance fools, dance”
Serpentor
Dial Tone has a date for the new local dance club, and Wetsuit and Leatherneck want in on the action. Dial Tone’s date can get two friends for the SEAL and Marine. Meanwhile, a Dr. Mulaney is having trouble perfecting his nitrogen fuel project for General Hawk. The three lovelorn Joes and their dates meet up to go to the new club. Dial Tone and Wetsuit are happy with their coupling, Leatherneck is not, his girl is not attractive.
At the club we softly hear the Satin hit “The Cobra Who Got Away”. Then suddenly, the club is launched into space. The club is a Cobra plot to get the Joes to hand over Dr Mulaney and his Nitrogen fuel engine. On the ground, Dr Mulaney surrenders, on the club, the Joes work to save everyone. There are explosives on the club/saucer. Wetsuit MacGyver’s a space suit, with soda cans as propellant, and goes to disarm the bombs. He runs out of air, and Leatherneck gets the last bomb. Dial Tone figures out how to land the club/saucer back on earth. Cobra craft equipped with the Nitrogen fuel engines keep failing. The Joes win. The guys girls are happy, yet Leatherneck has the ugly girl, so he is not happy.
The Good:
Funny and action packed. Loved hearing “The Cobra That Got Away” again.
The Bad:
The animation is pretty bad.
#52 “Cobra’s Creatures”
Original Air Date: September 30th, 1985
“To fail me is fatal.”
Cobra Commander
First things first. The episode starts with Airborne, Mutt, and Junkyard parachuting out of Skystrikers. Junkyard is a dog, and he is individually parachuting.
Unfortunately, the three never reappear. They were captured by Cobra.
At the Cobra base, Cobra Commander is listening to Dr. Lucifer about his invention of High Freq. This system allows Cobra to control animals. Dr Lucifer wants to be reunited with the love of his life Professor Atila; she is in prison.
High Freq is used on Junkyard, and the dog is sent out to get his master Mutt. Scarlett tries to act as Professor Atilla and get Dr Lucifer. Unfortunately, Dr Lucifer knows that Professor Atilla hates him. Junkyard keeps hunting Mutt, even though Mutt saves his pooch from a gator. Animals are taking stuff over all around the world. Soon Snake Eyes and Spirit show up with their animals Timber and Freedom. A bunch of animal action, the Joes destroy the High Freq machine. Cobra Commander escapes, but the Joes capture Dr. Lucifer. They send him to a prison cell with Professor Atilla.
The Good:
Dr Lucifer and Professor Atilla are great names for bad guys. The High Freq idea is awesome.
The Bad:
It is sad to see Junkyard go after Mutt.
#51: “The Invaders”
Original Air Date: November 29th, 1985
“The so-called super-powers have fallen for our trick.”
Cobra Commander
The Joes are going after the Crimson twins, and then the Oktober Guard (Soviet GI Joes) show up to the fight.
A quick note, the Joes have red lasers, Cobra has blue, and the Oktober Guard has green lasers.
Tomax and Xamot get kidnapped by aliens, and the Joes and Oktober Guard are quite confused. The Joes need the help of the Oktober Guard to defeat the aliens, the otherworldly beings are attacking the US and the Soviet Union. Joes team up with Oktober Guard to get rid of the threat with a Joe working with one of their Soviet counterparts.
Snake Eyes and Wong discover Zartan and the Dreadnoks are posing as the aliens. The flying saucers are shot down. In the end Gung-Ho and his Soviet counterpart, Horror Show, laugh off their rivalry. Here comes perestroika.
The Good:
A great story with the Oktober Guard.
The Bad:
Pretty unbelievable episode, even for GI Joe. Everybody was just pretty stupid.
#50: “The Great Alaskan Land Rush”
Original Air Date: December 3rd, 1985
“Whoever owns the seal, owns Alaska”
Honest Gurky
I know that there are only two episodes that utilize the Oktober Gaurd, and I have placed these two episodes next to each other in my rankings. The truth is these episodes played with only one other in between. In three weeks we got two Oktober Guard stories, and the dynamics seem about the same.
The Joes are attacked in Washington DC. The only thing stolen was some rando document that means very little. Unfortunately, the document says that whoever owns the great seal of Alaska is the rightful owner of Alaska. That person is Gurky Potemkin, a person backed by the Crimson Twins.
Alaska is now GurkyLand with a motto that states “Takus All You Canus”. The Joes go to find the real seal, but the Oktober Guard is also on the case to take Alaska back for the Motherland. The two frenemies find an old Russian village built from the descendants of the original Russian expedition of the 1850’s, a ship called the Romanov. After a while, the Joes, Oktober Guard, and the descendants of the Romanov decide to work together. Battle ensues. The Oktober Guard reluctantly gives the Joes the seal, and Gurky is kicked out.
The Good:
Another awesome episode with the Oktober Guard. Cool story.
The Bad:
The double crossing from the Oktober Guard is unnecessary.
#49: “The Revenge of Cobra”
Original Air Date: September 10th-14th, 1984
“With my new invention The Weather Dominator I shall destroy GI Joe with the irresistible power of nature itself.”
Destro
The second five-part miniseries of the original cartoon’s run. A whole new cast of characters joins the hold overs from the first miniseries. We get our first crack at Zartan, Storm Shadow, a Crimson Guardsman, Flint, Lady Jaye, Spirit, Mutt and Junkyard, and many more. This is the series that also introduced us to the awesome Shipwreck.
The story involves Destro’s newest invention, The Weather Dominator. To start things off, Cobra captures G.I.Joe’s laser core along with Duke and Snake Eyes. The two captured Joes are made to entertain Cobra in the Arena of Sport. Flint, Mutt, and Junkyard also meet Shipwreck, a mercenary sailor holed up in a Cobra town in the middle of the desert.
The Joes and Cobra travel around the world battling to gain the three pieces. Zartan double crosses everyone in the end. The Joes, with the help of Roadblock’s new friend Honda Lou, defeat the bad guys and capture Cobra Commander. Destro flees at the end and vows revenge.
The Good:
Some of the best characters of the series were introduced here. The show would never be the same without guys like Zartan and Shipwreck.
The Bad:
The story is essential the same format as the first miniseries. Duke and Snake Eyes are largely set aside.
Come back tomorrow for more adventures of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”
RD
RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.
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