Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" The Top Ten
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Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.
Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.
Need to catch up? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4
And now, enjoy the exciting conclusion of my rankings of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”.
#10: “Once Upon a Joe”
Original Air Date: October 1st, 1986
“I don’t know any kids’ stories.”
Shipwreck
In battle with Cobra to get the McGuffin Device, the Joes inadvertently destroy an orphanage. No orphans were destroyed, just their house.
While rebuilding the orphanage, Shipwreck gets roped into telling a few of the foundlings a story. His story is a fairytale featuring a few of the Joes, Shipshape (Shipwreck), Leatherhead (Leatherneck), Frogface (Wetsuit), and DaDuke (Duke). The story is imagined with a different looking animation style than the regular GI Joe shows. A few Cobra’s along with Scarlett and Cover Girl also make an appearance in Shipwreck’s story.
While Cobra, in the real world, is trying to get the McGuffin Device back, Leatherneck has to take over the story. He is terrible at telling stories. Shipwreck, out to check on something for Beachhead, is knocked out by Zartan, and the Cobra master of disguise makes himself up as the Joe Sailor. The kids find Zartan/Shipwreck and ask him to continue the story. Zartan/Shipwreck’s story is all about the bad guys winning. The kids are suspicious and venture out to find the real Shipwreck.
The kids succeed and real Shipwreck, in his underwear, uses the McGuffin Device. The characters from Shipwrecks story come into reality and defeat the Cobras. We learn that the McGuffin Device changes reality based on the mind of the user.
The orphanage gets rebuilt, and Shipwreck stays to give the story a happy ending.
The Good:
An awesome Shipwreck episode. The episode is also kind of emotionally touching. The McGuffin Device, genius writing.
The Bad:
Shipwreck in his underwear around kids. Not a comfortable situation.
#9: “The Traitor”
Original Air Date: November 25th and 26th, 1985
“I may be hard up, but I’m no traitor.”
Dusty
This is an incredible two-part story about family, and heroism, centered on one of my favorite G.I. Joes ever.
The GI Joe team has a new armor treatment impervious to Cobra lasers. Cobra Commander wants this armor treatment, and he sends out the Crimson twins to find a way to get the formula.
At the same time, we learn Dusty’s mom is sick and her bills are piling up. Coincidently, Extensive Enterprises owns the debt of Dusty’s mom. They offer Dusty a trade; the armor treatment and they will forgive the debt. Dusty is against it at first, in fact he causes a redneck bar brawl when the Crimson Twins first offer him the deal, but he later agrees to give Cobra info on the Joe’s operations in exchange for money to pay down the debt.
After a few times of Cobra stopping the Joes, Duke tells Flint that Dusty is a traitor and the Joes are going to trap him. The trap plan goes south when Duke is knocked out and hospitalized and in a coma. Dusty is court-martialed, and on the way to prison when Cobra saves the fallen Joe.
To be continued.
Part two starts with Hector Ramirez of “Twenty Questions” recapping episode one. It is truly an incredible way to catch up the viewers
When the action picks up, Dusty is in a Cobra uniform working with the snakes. The former Joe fights and saves a Cobra soldier in a flooding arena of sport with piranhas. Dusty leads Cobra on a few missions to get chemicals for a mind control gas. Dusty also hands over the armor treatment to Cobra Commander.
During a mission where Dusty leads Cobra, Shipwreck, Lady Jaye, and Flint are captured, and Cobra Commander is going to have Dusty gas the prisoners with the mind control chemical. In a bit of reversal. Dusty gasses all the Cobras. Dusty is not a traitor. The Joes all escape.
In the end it is discovered that the armor treatment is not stable, Duke and Dusty came up with the traitor plan, only Duke and Dusty knew the plan, and Dusty’s mom is feeling much better thanks to the money the Joes swindled from Cobra.
The Good:
An incredible story featuring Dusty, one of the greatest Joes. The plan is very well thought out.
The Bad:
Even with a well thought out plan, why were Dusty and Duke the only ones to know. A lot of anxiety from Joes, mainly Shipwreck, could have been saved if Duke trusted a few other high-level members of the team. Maybe tell Lady Jaye or Scarlett.
#8: “The Viper is Coming”
Original Air Date: October 24th, 1985
“Guess I won’t be needing that window cleaned.”
Barbeque
HOT TAKE ALERT: Yes, I can hear the screams of many G.I. Joe fans. “This episode should have been dead last”, you say. “The whole plot revolves around a terrible dad joke” the cries echo in my mind. Even the voice of Duke, Michael Bell, apologized to the fan base about this episode. I do not care, I absolute adore “The Viper is Coming”, and I can not doubt my own adoration.
The plot?
Barbeque is having a party at his new pad, a converted firehouse. A bunch of the Joes are dancing, rappelling, and playing basketball. The party is interrupted by a phone call. The mysterious caller calls himself the Viper, and he says he is coming. He also says five seventy-five.
The Joes are concerned. Scarlett deduces that five seventy-five must be coordinates and those coordinates bring the Joes to Antarctica. Once there, the team stumbles onto a Cobra Rec center with a gym, pool table room, cafeteria, swimming pool, and an entertainment lounge. A battle breaks out and the Joes take down the Cobra rec center.
The next day back at Barbeque’s pad, the Viper calls back. This time he says that he is coming Friday at the west corner. The Joes think Cobra is going to attack West Point. Once the team is at the United States Military Academy, Major Bludd does attack the graduating class of. The Joes, along with the cadets, turn away Major Bludd and his team.
The next day at Barbeque’s, and another call from the Viper. This time the Viper says he is coming tomorrow, top floor first. The Joes figure something is going down at the Extensive Enterprises building, since it is the tallest building in the world it has the highest top floor. Again, the Joes get into a battle with Cobra. The Crimson twins and Destro are frustrated that this “Viper” is making things rough for Cobra.
The next day at Barbeque’s pad, and the Joes have a huge team with tons of equipment surrounding the Joe fireman’s house. A small eastern European man with an accent approaches with a mop and bucket approaches. He says he is the viper, five seventy-five an hour, he will start on the west corner, top floor first. He is here to wipe the windows clean.
Barbeque can only sit and laugh.
The Good:
A perfectly structured episode. Genuinely exciting and mysterious. Awesome to see the background world of Cobra.
The Bad:
I don’t know if the Joes always had the best teams for these missions. Barbeque in Antarctica? That doesn’t seem right.
#7: “The Rotten Egg”
Original Air Date: October 7th, 1986
“You made one mistake bucko. I may be older, but I’m better.”
Leatherneck
Leatherneck has been invited to give the commencement address at CEC. He is going to use his leave to be the guest of honor at this military academy, and he is going to stop by his beloved Paris Island to check out the batch of new marines that are graduating.
Once Leatherneck reaches CEC, he meets the Commandant. It is Buck McCann, a former high achieving marine recruit that Leatherneck threw out of the corps. It seems that McCann had great skills, but he was a lousy Marine when it came to discipline and respect. McCann is head of CEC; the Cobra Elite Corps. McCann is going to settle an old score with Leatherneck and use the CEC recruits to attack Paris Island.
The final exam McCann creates for the CEC cadets is to hunt down Leatherneck. During the hunt, Leatherneck schools the CEC kids, and even saves them Doesn’t matter, one of the cadets still knocks Leatherneck out.
The Joe marine has to escape so he can save Paris Island. In his hospital gown, Leatherneck starts to take out CEC cadets. The Joes at Paris Island see Leatherneck confront McCann, and Beachhead instructs everyone to let Leatherneck fight it out with his old enemy.
In the end Leatherneck beats McCann, and a member of the CEC rips the patch off his uniform symbolically turning away from Cobra.
The Good:
A great story that tells us how people may turn to Cobra. Good soldiers with bad morals are what makes Cobra great. Awesome feature episode all about Leatherneck.
The Bad:
Why did Leatherneck, and nobody else on the Joe team, investigate what in the world is CEC?
#6: “Memories of Mara”
Original Air Date: November 15th, 1985
“And I’ve got this thing for mermaids.”
Shipwreck
This is the beginning of an epic story.
Out in the sea, the Joes are looking for the lost Navy submarine the USS Nerka. During the battle, Shipwreck spots a person in the water. The Joe sailor dives in and discovers this woman in the water has blue skin and is breathing through gills. Cobra wants this person back, but Shipwreck and Lady Jaye get her away.
We learn the gilled woman is named Mara. She was/is a member of Cobra and was part of an experiment to make amphibious soldiers. Unfortunately, the experiment made her only able to breath underwater. Mara is claiming ignorance on the Nerka, Lady Jaye does not believe her, Shipwreck does.
During a Cobra attack to get Mara back, Shipwreck takes her and escapes to an island. It is there that Shipwreck and Mara show their feelings for each other. Shipwreck also learns that Mara does know where the Nerka is located.
Mara tells the Joes the location, and then a rescue mission is greenlit. Mara, not in the water, saves the Nerka captain from torture, and Lady Jaye from a procedure that would give gills to one of our favorite Joes. The Nerka is saved, Shipwreck and Mara get away.
In the end, Mara kisses Shipwreck and swims out towards the horizon. Our favorite sailor just sits and waves while he smiles.
The Good:
On its own, a great story. As part of larger story, this episode is must watch. A strong Shipwreck stories.
The Bad:
The first act is forgettable. The real action starts once Mara and Shipwreck are together.
#5: “The Most Dangerous Thing in the World”
Original Air Date: October 28th, 1986
"We got a saying in the Marines. The most dangerous thing in the world is a green officer in the dark with a book of matches.”
Leatherneck
Dr Mindbender has an incredible plan that would undermine the morale of the GI Joe team.
With General Hawk away, Dr Mindbender decides to infiltrate the Pentagon computer and promote three undeserving Joes to leadership roles. The three Joes chosen, Lifeline, Dial-tone, and Shipwreck. They are all promoted to Colonel, which is strange as Beachhead points out because Shipwreck cannot be a Colonel, he is not even in the army.
The three new Colonels are as bad as Dr. Mindbender thought they would be. The pacifist Lifeline takes weapons away, the dopey Dial-tone is changing things in the Joes computer systems, and the arrogant Shipwreck is throwing his rank around and upsetting his already in shock teammates.
Cobra has the Joes on the ropes, right until General Hawk parachutes out of a NATO jet and turns the tide. After the Joes turn away Cobra, barely, General Hawk says that these three joes were chosen to disrupt the team because Lifeline has the skill but not the will to lead, Dial-tone has the will but not the skill to lead, and Shipwreck has neither the will or the skill.
The Good:
A very funny, and very informative, episode. The character work up to this point makes the whole story work. Prime commentary from Wetsuit and Leatherneck.
The Bad:
Ever since Dial-tone joined the team; he has been the subject of a bunch of abuse. I feel bad for the poor guy. He probably went to his men’s housing after this to eat some beans out of a can.
#4: “Nightmare Assault”
Original Air Date: October 29th, 1986
“What do you think of your cowardly son now, dad.”
Lowlight
The best episode of the second season of GI Joe.
Also, this episode premiered the day after “The Most Dangerous Thing in the World”. This part of season two was incredible. Onto the plot.
The Joes are having nightmares. The culprit of these nightmares? None other than Dr Mindbender and his newest invention. The Joes are losing sleep. They are becoming ineffective. Even great leaders like General Hawk are hesitating in battle.
The one Joe who knows about not sleeping, that would be Lowlight. The Joe sniper can function without sleep because he had a troubled childhood. His nightmares are about his father sending a scared boy out to kill rats.
The Joes decide to use Lowlight to lead the Joes through Dr Mindbender’s manufactured nightmares. Lowlight takes control of the dream, and defeats his childhood trauma, then is able to defeat Mindbender and his infernal machine.
In the end the Joes are saved, and Lowlight is having the first relaxing sleep he has had in a long time.
The Good:
The imagery is trippy and fits the story perfectly. An awesome Mindbender invention, one that works, and a great personal story about Lowlight.
The Bad:
Lowlight is a creepy dude in this episode. Before this he was just an ass, but here he is damaged.
#3: “Worlds Without End”
Original Air Date: November 4th, and 5th, 1985
“Not another time. Another place. Another world.”
Flint
After a few close calls, Steeler is questioning if the battle between Joe and Cobra’s is even worth it. Nothing ever changes. The Joe tank commander is distraught.
Right now, the Joes and Cobra are fighting over the matter transmutter, a device with unknown applications. During a bottle on a bridge over a river, the matter transmutter goes off. The bridge disappears along with the Joe team of Flint, Lady Jaye, Footloose, Steeler, Clutch, Airtight, Grunt, and Barbeque. Also, the Cobra Moccasin pilot Copperhead seems to disappear with the Joes. We never hear from him the rest of the episode.
When the Joes wake up, they are not at the river, they are in a dry riverbed. Flint surmises that they fell asleep and many years have passed. As the Joes hike and look for answers, Steeler is bit by a strange pink bug. The Joe team also discovers that Cobra has taken over the world. They find the Joe HQ, and it is nearly empty, guarded by Cobra, and full of cobwebs. Once the Joes get into the base, they learn that most of the GI Joe team is either missing, or killed, in action.
Steeler is having a hard time with this.
The Joes split up to try and make sense of everything they have experienced. The different teams fix and use old Joe equipment. Flint, Barbeque, and Airtight go to Washington DC and learn that the Dreadnoks are cops. Those Dreadnoks cops are now chasing the Joes. Lady Jaye, Footloose, and Clutch are in old Sky Hawks, and they see Cobra has changed all the recognizable US monuments. Mt Rushmore, it now has Cobra Commander and Destro. The Lincoln Memorial, it is now the Cobra Commander Memorial. The White House, US Capitol Building, and the Washington Monument, they are all solid gold now. It is here that the Joes realize that time has not moved forward, but that they have travelled to another dimension. Also, the Baroness recognizes and wants to see Steeler.
To be continued.
In part two, the Flint, Barbeque, and Airtight team escape the Dreadnoks, but are eventually captured by Zartan. Lady Jaye, Footloose, and Clutch in the Sky Hawks get caught by an energy net from the golden Washington Monument.
Meanwhile, Grunt and Steeler are at the old Joe HQ, then suddenly Steeler in his sickness delirium stumbles upon skeletons of old dead Joes. The skeletons he sees are those of Grunt, Clutch, and himself. Steeler is understandably freaked out. A Cobra lady soldier finds Grunt and Steeler and asks them to come with her.
Next, we see the two Joes, Steeler is feeling better and Grunt is explaining to his friend that the Baroness of this reality was romantic with Steeler and she is secretly part of an anti-Cobra resistance. After a tough conversation with the Baroness about her Steeler being dead, the two Joes hatch a plan with the Baroness.
The other two Joe teams are part of a typical Cobra torture/entertainment scheme. Through some ingenuity the two teams escape to meet up with Steeler, Clutch, and the Baroness. The Baroness hatches a plan start a Cobra civil war between Destro and Cobra Commander. With her plan working, the Joes go back to the point the crossed dimensions.
Before the portal closes, Clutch, Grunt, and Steeler decide they are going to stay in this alternate reality to help the Baroness fight Cobra. Steeler has learned why being a Joe, and fighting Cobra, is so important.
We never see Clutch, Grunt, or Steeler in the rest of the cartoon serious. That is truly awesome writing.
The Good:
An incredible story that shows why the Joe fight against Cobra is so important. The journey that Steeler takes is trippy, and emotional. Knowing that Clutch, Grunt, and Steeler are leaving behind everything to fight Cobra is truly touching.
The Bad:
The animation is great, and scary, for a young pre-teen boy. Steeler is not the best character to go on this journey with.
#2: “There’s No Place Like Springfield”
Original Air Date: December 12th and 13th, 1985
“Looks like a dozen of other towns I know.”
Shipwreck
The end of an era for GI Joe. This is the last story we will see until the show expands and changes with “Arise, Serpentor, Arise”, and oh boy what a way to go out.
From the very beginning you could tell this two-parter was going to be something special. Shipwreck, Polly, and Lady Jaye are trying escort a ragged scientist off of an island. Actually, Lady Jaye is carrying the good Dr Mulaney while Shipwreck and Polly take up the rear.
The doctor was a prisoner of Cobra and he was tasked with making a chemical that can turn ordinary water into a bomb. Fearing he will not make it, Dr Mulaney implants the formula into Shipwrecks brain and whispers a code word to Lady Jaye. The code word will cause Shipwreck to reveal the formula.
On the way back to the Flagg, Shipwreck the Joes are attacked by Cobra. Shipwreck’s Sharc is sinking fast while the Flagg looks to be in trouble.
Commercial Break.
After the commercial, Shipwreck wakes up in hospital some indeterminate time later. His hair and face are grey, and he is greeted by his wife Mara and his kid Althea. The last time Shipwreck remembered seeing Mara was back in “Memories of Mara”, when she swam away because she could only breath underwater. It seems that Shipwreck has amnesia and does not remember Doc curing Mara, Shipwreck taking out Cobra Commander, the Joes finally defeating the snakes, he and Mara get married, and they have a daughter, and they move to the non-descript town of Springfield. Shipwreck does not remember any of it.
Once Shipwreck gets home, still confused, Mara recommends he take a nap. During his nap, the Joe sailor dreams of going into a car wash and having Cobra Commander, and other members of the now gone organization, asking forcefully for Mulaney’s formula. Shipwreck is confused and quite scared.
Trying to remember his new life, Shipwreck tries to get back to what is supposed to be normal. He sees that Scarlett and Duke are together, he owns a business with Deep Six and Torpedo. He insults Flint by referencing Lady Jaye. After his insult, Shipwreck learns that Lady Jaye died the night his Sharc went down.
Shipwreck is emotionally destroyed. To make matters worse, he keeps dreaming of Cobra asking for Mulaney’s formula. He finally gets into a trap at the car wash where his old Joe friends attack the old sailor. As Shipwreck hits each one, the Joe dissolves into grey goo. Shipwreck is screaming in agony.
To Be Continued.
In part two we start to learn what is actually going on. Shipwreck asks Mara to send him back to the hospital, where Shipwreck is drugged with spiked milk. The Crimson Twins use cadet Demming to interrogate Shipwreck by using a mind probing type device. Things start getting intense in the interrogation. When Doc objects to the Crimson Twins plan, they destroy him because he is a synthoid. All the Joes in Springfield are synthoids, including Polly.
The real Polly ends finds Shipwreck, destroys synthoid Polly and helps Shipwreck realize that he is a prisoner of Cobra. Polly also overheard the code word for Mulaney’s formula, and uses it to activate the formula in his sailor friend’s brain. Shipwreck creates the chemical, drops it into Springfield’s water supply, and thanks to a stupid Dreadnoks who shoots at Shipwreck, all the water in Springfield’s pipes starts to explode.
The Joes, including a very alive Lady Jaye, on the USS Flagg see the explosion and know where Cobra is keeping Shipwreck. The Joes attack, a battle ensues, yet before he goes, Shipwreck needs to save his wife and kid.
Predictable, and still sad, Shipwreck sees that Mara and Althea are synthoids and part of Cobra’s ploy. The story ends with Shipwreck with tears in his eyes, and ready to get back to the Joes.
Amazing.
The Good:
The first episode is so well done setting up the world of GI Joe after Cobra, and the reveal that all is not as it seems. The second part is action packed, sad, and has great closure on an awesome season of GI Joe.
The Bad:
This is very nitpicking, but I have to say something. Why in the world did Shipwreck not notice the dye in his hair and in his beard earlier? Does the man never shower?
#1: “Cold Slither”
Original Air Date: December 2nd, 1985
“Long live Cobra. Cold Slither forever”
The crowd at the Sports Arena
If you wanted to explain the greatness of “GI Joe: A Real American Hero” what would you highlight? The teamwork, and diversity, of the Joe team. Check. The inventive genius of Destro. Check. The awesomeness of Shipwreck. Check. The need of the Baroness to highlight her relationship to Destro. Check. The business acumen of the Crimson Twins. Check. The greed and laziness of the Dreadnoks. Check. The boldness of Cobra Commander to go incognito by wearing sunglasses over his mirrored face. Check plus.
Welcome to “Cold Slither” the greatest episode of the 1980’s GI Joe cartoon series.
The first act is all about Cobra going broke. Cobra troopers are in line for unemployment, and Extensive Enterprises are trying to recoup their losses by selling Cobra equipment to any would be dictator. In order to get back on top, Cobra Commander goes to get a high interest loan from a low level criminal who has a problem using the correct words (a great bit of double voice duty from Neil Ross, the voice of Shipwreck). With the money, Cobra Commander is going to use a new subliminal message technology developed by Destro to create a song that will enslave the populace.
The band and song “Cold Slither” are born. George Landsburg, the director from “Lights, Camera, Joes” is back to make a music video with Zartan and the Dreadnoks being the visual representation of the band.
The song is a hit. Cobra is making some money, and Extensive Enterprises is ready to be back in business with Cobra Commander. The kids in school love Cold Slither. The Joes are getting complacence with no Cobra, and “Cold Slither” is entertaining a few of the troops while they waste the days away. Shipwreck, Footloose, and Breaker, are into the music, and Duke does not understand this music the kids like today. When Cobra decides to activate the subliminal messages and demand everyone go to a concert at the Sports Arena, Shipwreck, Footloose, and Breaker decide to go AWOL. Shipwreck even pulls out his toy issue percussion pistol.
Duke is not happy with the AWOL Joes. Scarlett has a plan to bring everyone back and thwart Cobra’s comeback plan.
At the concert, the Dreadnoks are playing “Cold Slither” again and again. The sold-out crowd seems ok with it. The Dreadnoks are getting tired and leave Zartan on the stage alone. In their dressing room, the Dreadnoks have three comely lady groupies. Surprise, the groupies are Scarlett, Cover Girl, and Lady Jaye. They easily dispatch of the idiotic Zartan cronies. The girls make it all the way to the control room and get the Cobra high command to retreat. Duke thinks the subliminal machine may help the Joes with discipline around the base. Scarlett disagrees and destroys the world altering machine.
Once the concert goers come to, they all realize they are at a concert and they want music. The big show ends with the Average Joe Band. Breaker on keyboards, Shipwreck on drums, Lady Jaye, Scarlett, and Cover Girl on backing vocals, and Duke, Footloose and Rock and Roll on guitars. The band plays an awesomely stylized version of the shows theme song. End on the American flag.
Yo freaking Joe.
The Good:
A perfect episode of GI Joe. Nearly every character from the Joes and Cobra is used in one short episode and all the characters are well thought out, the story highlights the motivations of each team, and no second was wasted. This is the episode you use to introduce someone to the greatness of “GI Joe: A Real American Hero.” Add in the PSA with Deep Sick sneaking up on the kid in the pond, and I guarantee you will have a new fan of GI Joe.
The Bad:
Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. (except for one weird animation goof on Shipwreck’s beard when they are at the Sports Arena for the concert).
There you have it, the definitive rankings of all episodes of the classic cartoon series “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. This was tons of fun to write, and I hope brings some debate in your minds on what I ranked right, and what I ranked wrong. The most important thing I wanted to depart was knowledge about the greatest military toy commercial to ever air. And as the saying goes
Now you know.
RD
RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.
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