Ty Ranks the 2018 NFL Teams: Gas Station Cappuccino Edition

Before I get into day 4 of my NFL preview, I need to say RIP to Aretha Franklin. She was one of, if not the, greatest souls singers of all time. She had a magnetic voice, and I loved every song she sang. Her version of "Respect" is wonderful. Her "A Change is Gonna Come" is fantastic. She was amazing, and she will be sorely missed. Rest in Peace Aretha Franklin, you are a legend.

Okay, lets get into my NFL preview.

Today I have teams 20- 17. Some people may see these teams and think, why are they so high or low. It needs to be stated that I think none of the teams I mention today are playoff contenders or hopefuls. These teams will win 9 games at the very, very best. Okay, on with it.

At number 20 I have the Chicago Bears. I view the Bears pretty much the exact same way I view the 49ers. I know I had the 49ers at 21 and the Bears at 20, but they are pretty much interchangeable. Both teams have a QB that is getting a ton of hype. I don't believe in Jimmy Garropolo, as I stated yesterday, but I really don't believe what is being said about Mitch Trubisky. I do not think he is good at all. He is a bust. I pretty much have no doubt about that. He is inconsistent and, for being considered a dual threat, kind of plodding. Playing out of shotgun may help, but I don't think so. Some may think he will have a Jared Goff type jump in his second year, but I don't. Also, Goff has a hell of a running game behind him, which leads me to what I actually like about the Bears. They have a great 1-2 punch at running back. Jordan Howard and Tarik Cohen are perfect compliments for one another. Howard is more the traditional type bac, and Cohen can run and make catches. They are good. I don't really believe much in their pass game, mostly due to Trubisky. But, they don't really have many solid receivers. They lost their best one last year, Alshon Jeffrey, and they never really replaced him. The Bears defense is okay, but not great. Their best player is a rookie that they just signed. Roqoun Smith is awesome, and I have mad respect for him for fighting the team until he got what he wanted. But outside Smith, the Bears defense is thin. They will give up points, and the offense won't be able to utilize their best aspect, the run game, as much as they should. 7 wins seem like the ceiling, and that is sad because I bet Bears fans would kill for 7 wins.

At number 19 I have the Cincinnati Bengals. Sorry RD, I don't know if this is too high or low (ed note: Way too high), and that is the problem. Also, I cannot believe they brought Marvin Lewis back. (ed note: ughhhh) What has he done to continually get contract after contract after contract? It's confounding. He's an okay coach, but he has done all he can do with this team. Which leads me to the rest of the team. They are, for the most part, just like Lewis. Andy Dalton is trash, and he will never be the franchise QB they thought he was. How have they not cut him yet. Their run game is as bland as baked chicken. Gio Bernard is not nearly as good as he was that one year. Also, Joe Mixon shouldn't be in the league. Tyler Eifert is going to get hurt. The only solid player they have is AJ Green, and he deserves so, so, so much better. They should trade him, but they won't, or if they try, they will find a way to screw it up. The Bengals defense is dirty, and not good. Vontez Burfict is already suspended. They have no secondary. This team is just dry and boring and not very good. I feel like they will win, maybe, 6 games, but somehow that will be enough to get Marvin Lewis another extension. Sorry Bengals fans, you guys are in some type of awful purgatory. Maybe it will end soon.

At number 18 I have the Oakland Raiders. The Raiders were like the Buccaneers to me last year. In fact, I had them in the AFC title game. Boy was I wrong. They imploded last year. Derek Carr totally regressed. They had no real run game, even after signing Marshawn Lynch. Amari Cooper dropped every pass that was thrown his way, except for the one game that I sat him on my bench in fantasy football and he went off. Their O line, their supposed strength, was not great. I don't know how they remedy all that this year. And on defense, they are in the dumbest kind of stand off with their best player, and team leader, Khalil Mack. Mack is a great, great linebacker, and the Raiders are being so dumb with the contract negotiations. Also, they have no one, and I mean NO ONE, that is near his talent level. They need Mack if they want any semblance of a defense. They have an old secondary, an even older D line and only Mack at linebacker, who they will most likely trade. Also, they gave Jon Gruden a 10 year 100 million dollar contract to be their coach. What the hell?! That is nuts. He was never really that good a coach. Yes, he won a Super Bowl, but that seems lost in the wind. Besides that one year, he was worse than average. And he has been away from the game for a decade. Jon Gruden will not be a viable head coach. The Raiders are a mess again. They had their window, and it seems like it has already closed. Please trade Mack to the Packers. That would be awesome.

My final team for the day, at number 17, I have the Los Angeles Chargers. I need to get this out of the way first, I'm sick of every other football writer, for what seems like the last 3 or 4 years, saying that the Chargers are their "sleeper" team. The Chargers always shit the bed, so why is this year any different? Well, they do have a very good defense, with some young, super talented guys. That defense should be enough for a couple wins. They have an exceptional pass rush as well. No, the defense is not the problem. What the Chargers lack, and what will continue to hold them back from being a "sleeper" team, is their QB. While I think Phillip Rivers is better than some other guys out there, namely his draft mate Eli Manning, he has never, in his entire career, played in a big time playoff or regular season game. Sure, he puts up numbers, throws for 4,000 yards a year and 25 plus TD's, but it all feels hollow to me. He is old. He has taken too many hits. He talks too much shit for a dude that has never won an important game. He blames everyone around him. Rivers is old, and I feel like the Chargers need to move on. As far as the rest of the offense goes, Melvin Gordon had a much better second year, but he is not the player the Chargers thought they were getting when they drafted him top 15 two years ago. He also fumbles a lot. They do have Keenan Allen, but he is a few concussions away from being out of the league. Oh, and Antonio Gates is back again, but he isn't a quarter of the guy he was 5 years ago. The Chargers are a lot like the Bengals on offense. They are stuck back in time, and have no intentions of changing. That will continue to hold them back. Phillip Rivers has done all he can for this franchise, which is nothing, and they need to find his replacement now. I'm sure other writers will still call them a "sleeper", and claim that this year they will finally "make the leap". Well, I don't buy it. 8-8 looks like their best case scenario.

That does it for today. Come back tomorrow for the next 4 teams. We are getting oh so close to real playoff contenders.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He has way too much faith in the Cincinnati football team. Winning is bad for the Bengals. That means more people will come to the Queen City and see their terrible tax payer funded stadium. The Bengals don't want that.

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Ty Ranks the 2017 NFL Teams: The "Revenge of the Sith" Edition

On to day 3 of my 2017 NFL countdown. We are still talking about some miserable teams, but it is getting better. In fact, none of the teams I talk about this week will be playoff teams, unless they have incredibly magical seasons, but I promise, next week, we will get to the good teams. You've got to suffer through the worst to get to the best. Enough preamble, lets get to it.

At number 24 I have the Los Angeles Chargers. Again, I almost wrote San Diego. The fact that LA has 2 pro football, basketball and a million baseball teams is just crazy to me. But, that's commerce for you I suppose. Anyway, some people seem to think that the Chargers will be a sleeper this year. That is nuts to me. I do not know what these "experts" see that I don't see. I think the Chargers would play way over their heads if they won 7 games this year. First off, they still have Phillip Rivers as their QB. How long does his career have to go before we see him as the player he truly is, which is average. Rivers has never struck me as a QB that you can build around. He is fine. He goes for 4,000 yards a year and 25 to 30 touchdowns, but what has he done to earn his "big time" status? Why is he talked about as one of the top QB's? I don't see it. The Chargers do have a few decent skill players. I like Melvin Gordon. He really rebounded after a tough rookie year and was great last year. He looks like the guy that the Chargers should build around, not Phillip Rivers. Antonio Gates is still there, and he is still consistent. He is getting old though. Keenan Allen is back, and he is a good receiver, but he can never stay healthy. He has been more injured than healthy his whole career. Their first round pick, Mike Williams, is also already hurt. As far as their O-Line, they are okay. Not great, but not bad. The defense seems to be the reason that the "experts" think they will be better, but I still don't see it. Yes, Joey Bosa is good, but he is no JJ Watt or Gerald McCoy or really any of the other top tier pass rushers. He could reach that status, but he is not there yet. They have okay corners, led by Jason Verrett. The linebacker core is just okay as well. I like Melvin Ingram and Denzel Perryman, but they don't really jump out as super stars. Their D-Line, again, is just okay. Not great, okay. I don't get all the talk about this team being a sleeper. I just don't see it, especially since they still have Phillip Rivers as their QB and cornerstone.

At number 23 I have the New Orleans Saints. This team just cannot put it together enough on defense to get back to that contender level. Their defense is atrocious. When your big free agent signings are Manti Teo and Nick Fairley that does not make for a great turnaround for that side of the ball. They can't cover anyone, they can't get to the QB, they struggle to stop the run, they are flat out bad. What makes them a team worth watching is their offense. Drew Brees is still there and he is still slinging 5,000 yards a year and 35 touchdowns. He is still putting up video game numbers, even at his advanced age. They lost Brandin Cooks, which will hurt, but they have some decent, young receivers. Michael Thomas is good. Willie Snead can get yards. Coby Fleener is a great option at tight end. And if anyone can make Ted Ginn Jr look good, it is Drew Brees. They also have Mark Ingram and they signed Adrian Peterson. First off, Peterson is done as an elite runner, and that will be even more glaring behind a porous O-Line. He will either get hurt or not gain many yards because of the need to split time between himself and Ingram. I like Mark Ingram, but he is not a top tier running back. He is good at grinding out yards, and has some decent hands out of the backfield. Ingram is a fine third down back in the NFL. And while you night think that the signing of Peterson may help the line, due to play action, I don't think it will matter. I think Peterson will make zero difference for the Saints. The Saints will score a ton of points and be in games late against good competition, but their defense is so bad, that will be their downfall. I feel like 6 or 7 wins is the ceiling.

At number 22 I have the Cincinnati Bengals. Look, the Bengals are the Clippers of the NFL. This team has done nothing of note since the late 80's, yet they feel like an entitled bunch. They also keep rolling out the same team and they expect different results. Again, just like the Clippers. How much longer does Marvin Lewis have as a head coach? If he were anywhere else, he would be gone by now. But, with the Bengals franchise, I wouldn't be surprised if they gave him another extension this season. Andy Dalton is still the QB there. Andy Dalton is mediocre at best. This has to be league wide knowledge by now. He is never going to win a Super Bowl, and probably not even a playoff game. AJ Green is incredible, but he is stuck in a purgatory of sorts, playing for the Bengals and having Andy Dalton throw him the ball. He, much like Todd Gurley and LeSean McCoy, deserves much, much better. Jeremy Hill and Giovanni Bernard were supposed to be one of the better duos at running back last year. That didn't happen. They were both incredibly average. This team also went out and drafted Joe Mixon, who hits women, so I have no respect for that at all. Tyler Eifert is only getting older, and he seems to get hurt more often now than he ever did. This offense is below average, with Green being the exception. The defense shoots themselves in the foot so often, it is not even funny anymore. Guys like Vontaze Burfit, Adam Jones and Dre Kirkpatrick are awesome, but they are constantly doing things to get penalties that are crushing. And for the most part, the penalties are self inflicted. They would have won a playoff game 2 years ago if not for Burfict and Jones being selfish. The defense should be one of the better ones in the league, but the constant penalties are a nuisance that keeps holding them back. I do like the pick of John Ross, but I don't think it will matter when Andy Dalton is throwing the ball to him. Sorry RD, but the Bengals are fading back into the mediocrity that I grew up watching in the late 90's and early 2000's.

The final team for today, at number 21, I have the Indianapolis Colts. This team is the definition of average. They are going to win 7 or 8 games. You can write that in pen. They are so average. Andrew Luck is a fine QB, but he is not the world beater that many expected, myself included, when he was taken first overall in his draft. He also gets hurt a whole lot. Some of that is due to his terrible O-Line, constructed by an awful front office, and some of that is his fault. He does hold the ball too much, and he does run it a bit too much. At running back they are still counting on Frank Gore. Bless Frank Gore, I like Frank Gore, but he is well past his prime. He never really had the wheels, and being a grinder, his specialty, that is going away too. That is what happens to running backs when they get "older". I like T.Y. Hilton, but he should not be a number one option on a contender. He is great, but think of how great he'd be if he were teamed up with an AJ Green. That would be an amazing duo. That is what Hilton should be, a second option. I like Phillip Dorsett, but he is a third or fourth option at best. And they still have Adam Vinatieri. He is a good kicker, but when your kicker is one of your most important players, that is rough. The Colts defense may be as bad as the Saints. They have no one, and I mean no one of any consequence. Looking at their roster, names like Malik Hooker, Clayton Geathers, Vontae Davis,  and David Parry show up. These guys are not big names, and they will strike zero fear in opposing offenses. They cannot stop anything, and that is a problem. The Colts are the AFC's version of the Saints, except Drew Brees is much better than Andrew Luck. Like I said, they play in a horrific division, so they will get some cheap wins, and they will end somewhere between 5-11 or 8-8. Put it down in pen.

That's it for today. Come back for the next 4 teams tomorrow.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He does not understand the awesomeness that the Bengals will bring to the NFL this year. Marvin Lewis and Andy Dalton have been hustling the league for years, and now they are going to show their real face. 19-0. This looks like destiny.

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