"Can't Hardly Wait" and "American Pie" Are Not the Classics We Remember

Before the NBA came back, which is basically all I watch now, I was watching a lot of movies. I still do. I mention my quarantine date nights, I watch random stuff on cable, I watched a few when I was on "vacation", so movies are about the only thing that will pull me away from the NBA right now.

One night recently I came across two movies, one I have seen and one I haven't, and my wife and I decided we would watch them both. They started early enough for us that the night would be over by 10 at the latest. Also, the kids were doing their thing, so we had the TV to ourselves. The two movies were "Can't Hardly Wait" and "American Pie". These are two movies that some mine and my wife's age would consider "classics". The first rated R movie I snuck into was "American Pie". My wife saw "Can't Hardly Wait", the one I hadn't seen, a few times with friends in theaters. These were movies of the time that, at least I know, felt like they would be remembered forever for only good reasons.

Welp, I couldn't have been more wrong. These movies are not very good, and quite frankly, both are fairly problematic. I'm not talking "Sweet Sixteen" and Long Duck Dong problematic, but still, these movies are not very flattering to women and non white people. Let's talk about "Can't Hardly Wait" first. This movie uses some of the most homophobic language I have heard this side of the "Entourage" movie. It was appalling to hear some of these actors, some who have had, and are still having, solid, well respected careers. I was shocked to hear these words come out of their mouths. My wife and I said it was a different time. Really though, it wasn't. These movies were made in the 21st century. They are not very old. They couldn't drink if they were a real person. It is wild. What was most upsetting to me was watching Seth Green, an actor I truly adore. He was written so offensively. Him and his friends were the worst caricature of wannabes. They spoke in the cliche "black guy" voice, and it was grating and so tough to watch. Green is a great, well respected actor, but I have to imagine he looks back on this role and cringes. It is so wrong on so many levels. I was offended watching it, and I am a middle aged white dude from the suburbs. I just can't fathom a world where this was approved, and more so, considered to be the "funny" guy in the movie. It was awful.

But, as bad as that was, "American Pie" was much worse. This movie is pitiful. This movie is so degrading to women. This movie makes guys look like suave sophisticated individuals in high school. This movie pokes fun at an athlete trying something non athletic. And to make it singing, you'd think he was the worst person in the world. And then we have Stifler. I love Sean William Scott. I think he has scrubbed this role from his memory. I think he has done a good job of not being pigeonholed. But, he was so offensive, mean, abusive and an outright dick in this movie. He said horribly offensive and homophobic things. He was a jerk. He was the prototypical "jock" caricature, and it was hard to watch. He is not nearly as funny as I thought he was when I was 16. As for the other guys in the core group, man do they stink. They are so focused on "getting laid", and we are supposed to view them as the "heroes" of this movie. We are made to root for them in their "quest". In reality, they are assholes who treat women terribly. They view women as objects and that they are only there to make them not virgins before they go to college. It's awful. And the female characters in this movie, they get nothing. Shannon Elizabeth is only there to be gawked at. Tara Reid is supposedly the "bad guy" because she wants her boyfriend to say he loves her before she sleeps with him. Mira Sorvino has moments, but they are all closed with her longing for Chris Klein. Natasha Lyonne is the only real strong female character in the movie, but it is revealed near the end that she is only nice when she wants something. They paint her as materialistic. It is so bad.

I was so thoroughly disappointed in both movies. I didn't fully know what I was getting into with "Can't Hardly Wait", but I left thinking that the people who wrote this have never met an African American person in their life. As for "American Pie", I was so so so so wrong about everything I used to "love" about this movie. It's a bummer that it took me growing up to realize how terribly this  movie treats women, and boy does it treat them bad. But everything that might have saved it was washed out by the offensive dialogue and the awful character arcs. These movies do not hold up and I wish I could wipe them from my memory. Man do they stink. 

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Ty Watches "Goon: Last of the Enforcers"

I am not a fan of hockey as a sport. I find it very boring and, quite frankly, stupid. This could be because I cannot skate, I never played it as a kid, I never watched it as a kid, there are so many reasons. I just flat out dislike hockey. But, for some odd reason, I do enjoy movies about hockey. I think it is because the movies only show the "exciting" parts of the game. I don't have to deal with any of the other nonsense, and I get to just see the goals and fights. That is all I want to see anyway. I can sit down and watch "Mighty Ducks", or "D2" anytime it is on cable. I have seen "Slap Shot" a handful of times. "Happy Gilmore" has hockey moments in it, and that is one of my all time favorite movies.

But, all of these hockey movies pale in comparison to the wonderful "Goon". That movie is amazing. I saw it on Netflix when it was recommended to me by many people and I was blown away. "Goon" was funny, bloody, raunchy and even a bit moving. Sean William Scott was absolutely perfect as Doug "The Thug" Blatt. This is one of his best roles. In fact, I think he has totally redeemed himself and made himself a great actor and gotten out of the shadow of Stifler. He should be talked about as much as Channing Tatum. I feel like they have both had a great second life as actors.

So, when a sequel to "Goon" was announced, and that Jay Baruchel was going to direct, I was on board. Baruchel co wrote "Goon", so I figured with him directing we would get much of the same. I couldn't get out to the theaters to see it, but I just recently rented and watched "Goon: Last of the Enforcers". And, the movie was okay. It was not even close to the greatness that "Goon" was, but that was an impossible achievement. Everyone is back from the first movie. The hippy goalie, the Russian brothers, Stevenson, La Flamme, the coaches, Alison Pil, Liev Shrieber, Jay Baruchel and Sean William Scott. This time around they added Elisha Cuthbert, in a totally off form role for her, which she was great at, and Wyatt Russell, as the villain.

"Goon: Last of the Enforcers" starts out with the NHL on strike, so this semi pro league that Blatt's team plays in is, for better or worse, the main attraction. This is what everyone in Canada watches. We see the team being give their jerseys and Blatt is named a team captain. Blatt is still the same type player, an enforcer. He is out there to protect his teammates and get into fights. In their first game they face a team that the owners son plays on, this is Wyatt Russell's character. He is a younger, faster and better overall hockey player than Blatt has ever been. They get into a fight in the game, and Russell destroys him. It was a great fight scene. This is when "GLOTE" really shines. The fight scenes are the best moments of the movie. They are just as gory and brutal as they were in "Goon".

Blatt gets his shoulder all messed up, and he has to turn away from hockey. His wife, Pil, is also pregnant with their kid. Blatt goes into insurance, but he hates it. He starts to get the itch to play again when he watches his old team, who has now traded for Russell, and they are miserable. Russell is a great hockey player, but he is also very selfish and crazy. To get himself back into playing shape, Blatt tracks down Schreiber, his nemesis from the first movie. Schreiber is fighting in brawl type competitions because he cannot pull himself away from the game he loves. He helps Blatt learn how to fight with his off hand. The scenes of them working together are pretty good too.

Blatt eventually gets back on the team, but Pil doesn't want him to fight. She needs him around for their kid. He heeds her demands at first. But, in the final regular season game, after the team releases Russell and he is back on his original team, he has to fight him again. Russell knocks out Schreiber, so Blatt goes out to defend his friends honor. He does beat up Russell, but ruins his shoulder in the process. He will never play hockey again.

I mean, "GLOTE" was a fine movie, but it was very color by the numbers. You could tell beat for beat what was going to happen as it happened. That doesn't mean it was a bad movie, I just feel like it may have been a bit unnecessary. "Goon" was classic. I feel like they should have stopped there. But, I get why they made a sequel. No one expected "Goon" to be as great as it was, so why not do it again. Look, everyone was good in this movie. Sean William Scott was great. Jay Baruchel was hilarious. Alison Pil was good. Elisha Cuthbert was just as funny as Baruchel. Schreiber was fine. Even Russell was a decent villain. I just feel like they didn't have to make this movie.

"GLOTE" is fine to have on when you just want to zone out and watch a sports movie. But, when comparing it to the original, it is not even close. I'm glad I watched it, but I will take "Goon" any day over "GLOTE". It was a fine movie, but it was unnecessary.

Ty

When bad movies are really good.

With the release of "Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser" coming tomorrow, I'd like to take time today to talk about movies like these. 

By this I mean, movies that critics don't like all that much, but a lot of people really like. They may not be good, but these movies have a ton of fans and are a lot of fun. Let's call them "beautiful disasters". These are the movies I will be speaking of today.

Back to "Joe Dirt 2:Beautiful Loser", I'm sure that critics will pan this movie and it will rate very low on the rotten tomato meter. That doesn't matter to me, I will see this movie because I LOVED "Joe Dirt". I was hesitant to see the first "Joe Dirt" because of what the critics were saying, but a friend of mine convinced me to watch it and boy am I glad that he did. "Joe Dirt" is hilarious. David Spade is at his best in this role. I'd say it's his best role since any movie he did with Chris Farley. With the mullet wig and his never die spirit, he's funny throughout the entire movie. The movie is a simple story, kid becomes orphaned, looks for his family, finds them and they're terrible. He meets some friends and his eventual wife on the way. Very simple story, but the actors are so good and funny, I don't care what the critics had to say. This movie is great. This is my favorite Christopher Walken role by far.

  I want to single out three more movies that may be deemed "beautiful disasters".

 First, we have "Southland Tales". This epic disaster of a movie is so insane. I don't really know what it's about, even though I've seen it at least a half a dozen times, but the fact that I watched it that many times proves that I enjoy it on some level. It's a totally incoherent plot, I don't even think director Richard Kelly knows what it's about, but it's a beautiful movie. There are some exceptional shots with beautiful colors and images. The acting in this movie is pretty good too. Dwayne Johnson is the lead actor and, as always, he oozes charisma and you can't take your eyes off him on screen. Justin Timberlake plays a crazed ex soldier. He's not a typical pretty boy in this movie, he is messed up. Great acting is done by Timberlake in this movie. Seann William Scott is no Stifler in this movie. He's a cop that finds himself in a lot of jacked up situations. This is easily one of his best acting performances. Comic actors like Jon Lovitz and Amy Poehler are unrecognizable in their roles. Lovitz is a crooked cop and Poehler is a crazy political activist. There is so much going on in this movie, almost too much, but you have to see this movie for it's sheer craziness.

 Next, we have "Hot Rod". This is one of favorite comedies of all time. Andy Samberg plays the lead character Rod, who thinks he's a stunt man, but he can't even do simple stuff like, a wheelie on his scooter. He finds out his step dad is dying, so he and his "crew" go out to make money for the surgery so Rod can kick his step dad's ass, so he will finally respect him. Another simple plot. This movie was canned by critics again, saying it was unfunny and seemed like an SNL sketch stretched out too long. I couldn't disagree more. The supporting actors in this movie are excellent. Rod's "crew" is made up of his step brother(Jorma Taccone), and two friends of his friends(Bill Hader and the always funny Danny McBride). There are many shenanigans along the way and it's all very funny. Hilarious lines are written for this movie too. One that always sticks out to me, Rod is watching the news and you can hear the broadcaster in the background saying, "the dog walked itself home, ate a pizza and took a nap". I crack up every time I hear it. I love this movie and will defend it to my grave. It's a comedy classic in my eyes. 

 The last "beautiful disaster" I will mention is, "Pootie Tang". I adore this movie. It's about, for all intents and purposes, a super hero that speaks his own language and can beat people up by simply using his belt. The movie is just a hair over an hour long. After the end credits, Bob Costas shows up and says to Pootie Tang, "that was the longest trailer" I've ever seen. You have people like Chris Rock, playing multiple roles in this movie, Wanda Sykes as a hooker with a heart of gold, JB Smoove as Pootie Tang's right hand man and Dave Attell as the bad guy. This movie is bizarre on so many levels, but in a very good way. You get scenes of Pootie Tang as a child having a grown women crying hysterically as he leaves her home, Pootie's dad being mauled by a bear, but it's literally just a guy in a bear costume, Pootie rubbing hot cherry pie on his body to seduce a farmer's daughter and many, many more. It's so ridiculous, but so awesome. Critics once again destroyed this movie, calling it dumb and saying it was impossible to understand. I wonder how they would feel about it now if they went back and watched it knowing that Louis CK wrote and directed it. Everyone loves "Louie"(you can count me as one of these people, it's the best show on TV) and lauds how Louis CK has such a fresh, yet bizarre take on the world. Much like the movie "Pootie Tang". Watch it again, with the knowledge of who Louis CK is now, and I bet you that you'll love it. "Pootie Tang" is great.

 There are many more movies I've left off my list, but I know that everyone has a "beautiful disaster" movie that they watch and love. Let me know in the comment section what some of these movies are, so I can watch and find some new movies that I haven't heard of, or never gave a chance. I'd greatly appreciate it.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for Seed Sing. It took him longer to write this article than it took to watch Pootie Tang. Sa da tay. Follow him on twitter @tykulik.