Being a reality show moron does not make a person a better cook

The proper way to serve oysters

I watch a lot of cooking shows.  I've written about my love for Ina Garten and "Barefoot Contessa". My wife and I watch "Chopped", "Cutthroat Kitchen", "Pioneer Woman", basically any type of show that makesfood the star. We love them. It's an escape and it's nice to have some noise on in the background while doing stuff around the house.

I've become to grow wary of the competition cooking shows though. These shows take themselves WAY too seriously. The way the chefs and the judges act is downright laughable. You hear the chefs talking about stupid shit like doing food "farm to table" or "cooking saved my life" or "I'm the type of chef that will smile in your face, then cut your throat out to get what I want". It's all ridiculous. Sure, I do believe, for a very small few, that cooking may have saved someone's life, but ease up. I'm sure there's other things that helped to save your life. Maybe rehab or loved ones or growing up. All those are more important than cooking, in my opinion. This whole "farm to table" started out as a nice idea, but it's been beaten to death. I'm so tired of hearing these young chefs, most born after 1995, talking about the good old days of cooking. You're 20 years old, the good old days were 1990 to you. Just stop with the whole "farm to table", unless you're a farmer. And this new breed of chef, the asshole chef I'll call them, they're insufferable. These chefs act like cooking is a sport. No offense to the elderly, but my grandma cooked until the day she died at the age of 84, and she was a much better chef than these punks that think it's a sport. Get over yourself, you're a chef, not a professional athlete.

Like I said, I'm growing very wary of the competition shows and the worst offender is "Top Chef". "Top Chef" is laughably bad now. These chefs are the worst of the new asshole chefs. They're all young, douchebag chefs. On "Top Chef", the "cheftestants" take themselves so seriously, you'd think they were saving lives with their food. Calm down, all your doing is making food. Your job isn't that important. Almost anyone can cook. And before you say I don't know what I'm talking about, my brother is a great chef. He's made that his career, but he's not an asshole. He doesn't take himself seriously at all. He knows what he does is universal. He's a great, special person that I love, he's an awesome bigger brother, but his cooking skills aren't what makes him great, it's his love he shows for me and our family. But, I digress, back to "Top Chef" bull shit. These contestants are much too passionate about a job that any 15 year old child can get. I hate the waythey present their food like its a god damn gift to the person eating it. Screw you, it's not that good. I hate how hipster and not self aware these young chefs are. They couldn't be any more ridiculous.

On a recent episode of "Top Chef", one of the contestants served oysters on a hot rock. What the hell! Is he some kind of idiot? He claimed, "I like to use the elements outside to present my food". Screw you you asshole. You suck. Don't serve something that's supposed to be ice cold on a burning hot rock. Gross. This same contestant goes on later in the episode talking about him and his wife serving food at Coachella, because of course he went to Coachella to serve food. Could this guy be anymore of a douchebag? Ugh, I hate this guy. He's chef Phillip on the current season if you're curious and want to watch a supreme dick head on TV.

Which brings me to the judges. They talk about this food like they're going to send the losing chef to jail for making sub par food. They say stupid things like, "the bass needed 4 or 5 grains of salt to really put it over the top", or "this is good, but there's a whole piece of star anise in there and if I ate that, my palette would be completely blown out". I HATE these judges. You guys are judging food! Your job is less important than the chefs! You guys suck too. I hate that they get so mad at chefs for leaving out little things on all these free meals they're getting. Ugh, you are the worst. The absolute worst judges are Padma Lakshmi and Tom Colicchio. They take their jobs MUCH too seriously. They get legitimately mad at these chefs sometimes for the smallest things. Lakshmi, at one point, said she's "never had to wait for a table before and I'm not going to start now". Ugh, screw you. Sorry we aren't all as privileged as you. And Tom Colicchio, stop with the act that you're these chefs friends. You're just as bad as any other judge on any other cooking competition show. And don't act like you're more important because your show is on Bravo. You know what else is in Bravo, any style of "Real Housewives" crap.

"Top Chef" is just as trashy as any other reality show. You guys aren't more important than any other garbage cooking competition show. You're worse. I'm sick and tired of how serious these shows have become. I'm done watching them and I'll stick with my "Barefoot Contessa". Ina cooks for the love, not the competition. She will forever be a better chef than any douche on "Chopped", "Cutthroat Kitchen" and most importantly, the god awful "Top Chef".

Screw these shows forever.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man podcast. Not only does he think Ina could outcook any cheftestant, he would take her in a straight up fist fight with any of those idiots. Join Ty's anger by following him on twitter @tykulik.