Coping with the Unreality of Reality Television

I've talked about reality shows a lot on this website. I also watch, or watched, a good amount of reality shows. I still check in from time to time on reality shows my wife watches on the weekends. But I have been putting more thought into them lately, probably more than the creators, I kid. But I have been trying to suss things out about some of the shows that I watch and have watched.

As I get older I am getting a bit cynical about these "reality" shows. They don't really live up to the hype anymore. They are retreads. They are rip off shows. And they are horrible for the television industry because they put a ton of people out of work. This has been on my mind a lot lately. I find myself even thinking about these shows when they are not on. I don't know what that says about me, but here we are.

I think my biggest issue as of late is the fact that these shows are not actual, true "reality" shows. There is nothing real about them at all. If they were factual, if they were real, they would be tiring and very boring. Think about your everyday life. How boring is it really? I know that if I were to be filmed for a reality show, and if they stuck to actual reality, it would be a total snooze fest. The cameras would see me go through my routine. I get my kids ready for school in the morning. I run errands or have coffee with my dad and friends. I come home and do chores around the house. I go for a run. And then the night is filled with taking kids to sports, having dinner and going to bed. Pretty tiresome huh? That is how I know these reality shows are actually real. Real life is boring. But if you do a few takes of a conversation, add alcohol and try to start a conflict, that is a recipe for intriguing "reality" shows. I have read that these reality shows have copious amounts of alcohol just laying around. I feel like the producers of the shows think that if there is alcohol around, and most of the people enjoy alcohol, they will loosen up and let it fly a bit. That is why there is rarely ever a person on a reality show that has chosen to not drink. I would never be in a reality show because I choose to not partake in alcohol. I would, as I am prone to say in this piece, be very boring.

Take a show like "Love is Blind". My wife is very much into this show and I will sit down with her and watch or listen in the background while I am doing something around the house. This is the fakest "reality" show on tv. They go so far as to have everyone drink from the exact same style cup. The cups are all the same, even when they go to stores, parties or are at their home or their parents homes. That is for continuity. Which leads me to another point. The fact that the glasses have to be the same, so as not to show drinks being consumed, that means they do multiple takes of supposed "real" conversations. There was a very big blow up the other night and the fact that someone cried, I was completely taken out of it because I noticed the glass. This made me question how many times they asked this girl to cry, or how many times they had this dude call her horrible names. And that happens all the time on these shows. It looks like it is a conversation unfolding in real time until you start to think about tv and the fact that they need the correct lighting and that they have to be able to fully hear everything and that the clothing has to be the same, it is all made up.

You could even put cooking competitions in this conversation. I cannot believe that a "Chopped" contestant can think on the fly as fast as these competitors do on the show. They come up with these crazy dishes in a matter of seconds. I have to believe that they have a little bit, at the very least, of an idea of what is coming in those baskets. And they also have to make multiple dishes in an allotted time. Stuff has to get messed up that we never see in the finished product on our tv's.

I could go on and on with other reality shows, but these two came straight to my mind when I thought of this piece. Reality shows are not based in reality. Sorry if that bursts people's bubbles. But I'm not here to tell you not to watch them. If you like reality shows, watch as much as you want. That may be your steez. They just aren't for me and I am going to continue to see what other things I notice while watching them. I will just keep it to myself when I watch with my wife. 

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Being a reality show moron does not make a person a better cook

The proper way to serve oysters

I watch a lot of cooking shows.  I've written about my love for Ina Garten and "Barefoot Contessa". My wife and I watch "Chopped", "Cutthroat Kitchen", "Pioneer Woman", basically any type of show that makesfood the star. We love them. It's an escape and it's nice to have some noise on in the background while doing stuff around the house.

I've become to grow wary of the competition cooking shows though. These shows take themselves WAY too seriously. The way the chefs and the judges act is downright laughable. You hear the chefs talking about stupid shit like doing food "farm to table" or "cooking saved my life" or "I'm the type of chef that will smile in your face, then cut your throat out to get what I want". It's all ridiculous. Sure, I do believe, for a very small few, that cooking may have saved someone's life, but ease up. I'm sure there's other things that helped to save your life. Maybe rehab or loved ones or growing up. All those are more important than cooking, in my opinion. This whole "farm to table" started out as a nice idea, but it's been beaten to death. I'm so tired of hearing these young chefs, most born after 1995, talking about the good old days of cooking. You're 20 years old, the good old days were 1990 to you. Just stop with the whole "farm to table", unless you're a farmer. And this new breed of chef, the asshole chef I'll call them, they're insufferable. These chefs act like cooking is a sport. No offense to the elderly, but my grandma cooked until the day she died at the age of 84, and she was a much better chef than these punks that think it's a sport. Get over yourself, you're a chef, not a professional athlete.

Like I said, I'm growing very wary of the competition shows and the worst offender is "Top Chef". "Top Chef" is laughably bad now. These chefs are the worst of the new asshole chefs. They're all young, douchebag chefs. On "Top Chef", the "cheftestants" take themselves so seriously, you'd think they were saving lives with their food. Calm down, all your doing is making food. Your job isn't that important. Almost anyone can cook. And before you say I don't know what I'm talking about, my brother is a great chef. He's made that his career, but he's not an asshole. He doesn't take himself seriously at all. He knows what he does is universal. He's a great, special person that I love, he's an awesome bigger brother, but his cooking skills aren't what makes him great, it's his love he shows for me and our family. But, I digress, back to "Top Chef" bull shit. These contestants are much too passionate about a job that any 15 year old child can get. I hate the waythey present their food like its a god damn gift to the person eating it. Screw you, it's not that good. I hate how hipster and not self aware these young chefs are. They couldn't be any more ridiculous.

On a recent episode of "Top Chef", one of the contestants served oysters on a hot rock. What the hell! Is he some kind of idiot? He claimed, "I like to use the elements outside to present my food". Screw you you asshole. You suck. Don't serve something that's supposed to be ice cold on a burning hot rock. Gross. This same contestant goes on later in the episode talking about him and his wife serving food at Coachella, because of course he went to Coachella to serve food. Could this guy be anymore of a douchebag? Ugh, I hate this guy. He's chef Phillip on the current season if you're curious and want to watch a supreme dick head on TV.

Which brings me to the judges. They talk about this food like they're going to send the losing chef to jail for making sub par food. They say stupid things like, "the bass needed 4 or 5 grains of salt to really put it over the top", or "this is good, but there's a whole piece of star anise in there and if I ate that, my palette would be completely blown out". I HATE these judges. You guys are judging food! Your job is less important than the chefs! You guys suck too. I hate that they get so mad at chefs for leaving out little things on all these free meals they're getting. Ugh, you are the worst. The absolute worst judges are Padma Lakshmi and Tom Colicchio. They take their jobs MUCH too seriously. They get legitimately mad at these chefs sometimes for the smallest things. Lakshmi, at one point, said she's "never had to wait for a table before and I'm not going to start now". Ugh, screw you. Sorry we aren't all as privileged as you. And Tom Colicchio, stop with the act that you're these chefs friends. You're just as bad as any other judge on any other cooking competition show. And don't act like you're more important because your show is on Bravo. You know what else is in Bravo, any style of "Real Housewives" crap.

"Top Chef" is just as trashy as any other reality show. You guys aren't more important than any other garbage cooking competition show. You're worse. I'm sick and tired of how serious these shows have become. I'm done watching them and I'll stick with my "Barefoot Contessa". Ina cooks for the love, not the competition. She will forever be a better chef than any douche on "Chopped", "Cutthroat Kitchen" and most importantly, the god awful "Top Chef".

Screw these shows forever.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man podcast. Not only does he think Ina could outcook any cheftestant, he would take her in a straight up fist fight with any of those idiots. Join Ty's anger by following him on twitter @tykulik.

"Barefoot Contessa" is one thing you and your mother in law can agree on

Oh the things Ina could do to you

What does one do with a new baby and his working wife on maternity leave?

As I stated yesterday, I've been watching a good amount of day time TV with my wife being home. I've also let it be known that I've been watching a good amount of the Food Network. The Food Network is pretty much the perfect channel to have on in the background if you like ambient noise. During the day, it's pretty much all straight forward cooking shows. The night time is when the competition shows come on. So, during the day, having that ambient noise in the background is nice when I'm blogging or when I'm cleaning or doing something around the house. I do watch pretty much all the competition shows too. With my wife being home, we watch shows like "Pioneer Woman" and "Everyday Italian" and "The Best Thing I Ever Ate". We also enjoy the competition shows like "Chopped", "Cutthroat Kitchen" and any iteration of the "Baking Challenge", be it Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas. The only shows we avoid on the Food Network are, anything involving human douchebag Guy Fieri and their awful rip off of "The Chew" called, "The Kitchen". First of all, "The Chew" is terrible, but, "The Kitchen" makes "The Chew" look like "Breaking Bad". "The Kitchen" is awful.

None of these shows compare to what I believe to be the greatest show the Food Network has ever created. I'm talking about "Barefoot Contessa" with Ina Garten of course. This show is absolutely perfect on every level. First of all, Ina Garten is the best host of any cooking show ever and yes, I think she's much better than Julia Child was. She has a very soft, calming way of talking about food. She never raises her voice to show appreciation of food like Fieri does. She doesn't need any catchphrases like "BAM!" or "winner, winner, chicken dinner" or, "that's money", she just talks about food like a normal person. She also seems to get the very best ingredients. She made steak the other day and my mouth was watering when she brought out the cut of meat. It looked so good and it was clearly the best quality her butcher had. Same thing when she made bone in lamb chops on a recent episode. She has an affinity for fruit tarts. The fruit she gets is the freshest fruit I've ever seen. I didn't know strawberries could look that red and fresh. She also hand makes all the crusts for these tarts. When the finished product comes out of the oven, I want to go into my TV and eat this delicious looking food. She also makes all her drinks fresh. Sure, most people do this with alcohol, but how many people go out to their garden and grab the freshest mint leaves I've ever seen? The only person involved with my life that does this is my mother in law. I've never seen anyone else use fresh herbs from their garden to cook besides from mother in law and Ina Garten. Ina also made a fresh hot chocolate for her husband Jeffrey, I'll talk more about him later, and it looked dynamite. She boiled milk and half and half in a big pot, used big hunks of what I'm sure is expensive milk chocolate, put semi sweet chocolate and used vanilla extract and ground decaf coffee. I used to work at a Saint Louis Bread Company and we used real milk and Hershey's syrup to make our hot chocolate and RD, my brother and founder of the website, used to refer to this as "orgasmic" (ed note: yes it is). Ina's hot chocolate puts Bread Company's to shame and I don't need to taste it to know this, I can judge it simply based on seeing it. Simply look at the ingredients I listed.

Now, the food is the main part of her show, as it should be, but she also seems to be the most genuinely happy person I've ever seen. She has the perfect life. She loves her husband Jeffrey and he reciprocates this love ten fold. When he gets home from work or a trip and Ina has a big meal ready for the two of them, he lights up. But, he doesn't just light up at the site of the food, he's happier to see Ina and she's just as happy. Each embrace is different, but they all share the same amount of love. These two are clearly soul mates. When Jeffrey is working, Ina seems to have an endless number of friends involved in many different occupations. She's friend with carpenters, florists, college students, painters and butchers, just to name a few. These people love Ina and she loves them back. It doesn't hurt that she's making them delicious food and has these friends of hers be her "tasters". We all know the food is delicious. I'd love to befriend Ina and become one of her "tasters". Very few things would make me happier in my life. She also has a beautiful home in the Hamptons. Jeffrey and her are clearly well off and the pictures of her home during the show hammer home this point. I don't say this because I'm envious, I say this because Jeffrey and her deserve this. They both work hard and are very accomplished in their fields, so why not live lavishly? Good for them.

One other thing I like about Ina was told to me by my mother in law. She never competes on these competition cooking shows because she feels like 1) cooking shouldn't be a competition, you should cook because you love it and 2) she won't compromise her ingredients, she believes you should use the best ingredients available to you. This makes me like Ina even more, and I'm already a HUGE fan. I wish there were more chefs and personalities on the Food Network like her, but Ina is one of a kind. I don't think her show is on anymore, she's probably happily retired from making a show and doing whatever she wants, as she's want to do, but at least we have reruns. I look forward to these episodes twice a day. I love her show and her whole vibe. Ina Garten is the best thing that the Food Network ever had and I'm glad they still air "Barefoot Contessa".

Ina, you're a national treasure, thanks for everything you do. And thanks for being you, you're the greatest.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. "Cooking a Steak" would be Ty's favorite food show, if only it existed in the real world. Follow Ty on twitter @tykulik.

Ty says Boo-Urns to Halloween

AHHHHHHH

Today is Halloween eve.

I don't care for Halloween as I mentioned in my blog yesterday. Today, I'm going to give specific reasons why I dislike this "holiday" but, I'm also going to tell you things that I do enjoy about this time of year.

Let's get to the annoying stuff. First of all, adults dressing up in costumes. This is fine if you have kids and you dress as a family, I get that. For example, my three year old is going as the Hulk this year, so my wife is going as Catwoman, she's wearing kitty ears and will have a bit of face makeup, our three week old is going as a mini Catwoman, she has a sleeper with cats on it, and I'm going as the Punisher, I'm wearing a Punisher t shirt. This is fine in my opinion because, this holiday is for kids, and more specifically, toddlers. Toddlers like dressing up, going house to house showing off their costumes and getting candy. That's what Halloween should be about and parents dressing up with their kids is totally acceptable. The problem I have is the people in their mid 20's and early 30's, kid free, using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty, offensive or down right stupid. I'm sick of young kids dressing like "sexy kitty cats", or "nurses". Look at the movie "Mean Girls", and you'll know what I'm talking about. These teens use Halloween as an excuse to dress inappropriate. Or, take Julianne Hough last year thinking it was okay to dress in black face because she went as Crazy Eyes from "Orange is the New Black". That's so wrong and extremely offensive on so many levels. Don't use Halloween as your excuse for being a racist Ms.Hough. And guys with their dumbass " God's gift to women" costumes or their "sexy firefighter" bull shit, give it a rest. You're all a bunch of douchebag wannabe frat boys and you make me sick. Halloween is for kids and candy, not for dumbass Millenials that need another excuse to get drunk and act like morons. Grow up.

I also am completely fed up with the stupid Halloween puns. If I have to hear one more time about"spooktacular" savings or "prices so low they'll frighten you", I'm going to destroy my television. I don't understand the marketing for this. Do they want me to be afraid that I'm going to save money? I thought that was a good thing. I've also been watching a lot of Food Network with my wife who's on maternity leave. They have a show called "Chopped" and instead of sticking with this name, which is a pretty good name for a cooking show, they've been calling it "Choppedtober". That doesn't make any sense. Why add tober because it's October? Why don't they call it "Choppedgust" in August or "Choppedcember" in December? Why does October and Halloween only get this treatment? It's totally baffling and pretty god damn stupid.

I also don't enjoy being frightened and I hate scary movies. I've been to one haunted house in my entire life and I had to remove myself from the situation almost immediately because a worker dressed as a clown scared me so much, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I'm terrified of clowns and during Halloween, people dressed as clowns, especially creepy clowns, scare me more than anything I've ever encountered in my life. I don't like that people prey on other people that are scared of certain things by dressing in a costume as someone's fear. That's the worst thing about haunted houses. They're designed to startle you, and who really likes being startled? It doesn't feel good. And scary movies, no thank you. This is pretty much the same thing as haunted houses. I know that they're fake, but it doesn't change the fact that they scare me. I saw the "Shining" once, at a sleep over when I was a teenager and that movie still haunts me to this day. My wife suggested we watch it during the day on Halloween and I immediately said no. There's no way I'm going to watch that movie because I know the consequences that will come afterward. I'd much rather watch something like "Cabin in the Woods" or "Evil Dead". Sure, those movies are scary, but they're also campy and hilarious. I don't like straight up horror movies. Never have and I never will.

Now there are some good things about this time of year. First of all, the candy. My god it's everywhere, and 90 percent of it is delicious. Give me a Reese's pumpkin or any kind of chocolate treat and I'm happy as a clam. I love all candy this time of year except for the most foul, grossest shit ever created, candy corn. I also really like pumpkin seeds and I love pumpkin pie. Those are two great things that come out this time of year. My wife loves the pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks and that's only available through November. I love the season. Leaves are falling, there's a nip in the air and it's a good time to be out doors. We get a new "Treehouse of Horror" this time of year, as I explained yesterday. We also get to turn back the clocks one hour, gain that extra sleep, and have shorter, colder days. I like this.

There's a lot of bad, but there's also some good. I may hate Halloween, but at least Thanksgiving, Christmas, cold weather and family gatherings are right around the corner. As a lady on a recent "Chopped" said, "my favorite part about Halloween is November 1st". I whole heartedly agree with her and I love this sentiment. Only two more days until this dumb "holiday" is over.

We've almost made it.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man podcast. His fear of clowns was reinforced by a bean bag toss board painted like a clown and a faulty laser tag gun. Ask him all about by following Ty on twitter @tykulik.