Ty Watches "Tour de Pharmacy"

There are spoilers for the HBO film "Tour de Pharmacy". Go watch and come back to read Ty's review. It is currently showing on HBO Go, HBO Now, and periodically showing on one of HBO's family of channels at some time of the day.

This past weekend The Lonely Island and HBO released their second sports based faux documentary/comedy, "Tour de Pharmacy". I loved the first one, "7 Days in Hell", so I was excited for this second movie. When I say movie, I use that term loosely. This is basically a short. The "movie" runs about 35 minutes long. This is perfect for this subject material, and an excellent amount of time for what is basically a long form sketch.

Anyway, "Tour de Pharmacy" tells the "true" story of the 1982 Tour de France. This was the most drug riddled race in the history of bike races, according to the narrator, Jon Hamm. We all know now that, for the most part, the guys that do the Tour de France are dopers. It is widely accepted. "Tour de Pharmacy" takes this knowledge and makes it the entire basis of the movie.

Early in the program we find out that a rich German guy named Dittmer Klerken, played hilariously by Kevin Bacon, writes a letter to all 170 racers saying that they can do whatever drugs they want and they won't be tested, if they give him 50,000 dollars a piece. Klerken had built up incredible credit card debt due to a very absurd credit card ad in Sweden. The scene with the ad was probably my favorite part of the entire movie. It was so bizarre and odd and the talking heads comments on it were hilarious. If you watch this movie for one reason, make it to see the part with the ad. It was uproarious.

After the ad shows, they cut to the racers. They introduce us to 5 specific riders at the beginning. The first is Nigerian born racer, Marty Hass. He was played by Andy Samberg. Hass was born into a royal family that just happened to mine diamonds in Nigeria. They say that he went to an all American boys private school, and the people of Nigeria hate him. They hate that he is their country's representative. He is the epitome of a spoiled rich kid, and Samberg plays him hilariously. Another great part of this movie is they have the main characters as their older selves, and the actors that portray the older versions are perfect. Jeff Goldblum plays the older Hass. He is so god damn funny. He has some fake blonde hair hanging out of his hat and he wears African coats the whole time. Goldblum is just as funny as Samberg.

We also meet the first female, posing as a male, to ride in the tour. Freddie Highmore plays the young version of Adrian Baton. He was hilarious. His attempts to act like a female acting like a male was classic Lonely Island stuff. Julia Ormond played the older, and real, Baton, and she was equally as funny. She is a classically trained dramatic actress, but she pulls off the comedy to perfection. Her reveal at the end is wonderful.

Next up is Jackie Robinson's nephew, Slim Robinson, who is trying to get out of his uncle's shadow. He wants to be the first African American to break the color barrier, and at the time, cycling was the only sport that did not have many, if any, people of color. Daveed Diggs, of "Hamilton" and "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" fame is terrific in this movie. He is so funny, but understated. Danny Glover as the older Slim was equally tremendous. His wig is absolutely bananas. I loved it.

John Cena plays Austrian cyclist, Gustav Ditters, and he may have been the best in the whole movie. They show a picture from him the year before and he is rail skinny, then they show the actual Cena, and he is ripped. His claims that he isn't doping are so funny. The fact that he is that shredded, but constantly denies doping, is awesome. When the big fight breaks out in the first stage, and Cena starts to beat the hell out of people, I was in tears. Dolph Lundgren plays the older Ditters, and the whole "cheetah" and "cheater" scene is comedic gold.

The final main cyclist, JuJu Peppi, played by Orlando Bloom, was classic cycling cheater. He had so many drugs in his body that he actually died during the race due to a heart attack. Unfortunately for Peppi, he died while going pee, so his member was out when he died. There is a ton of male frontal nudity in this movie by the way. I have to say, while I don't like Bloom as an actor, he was really good in this movie.

The reason there are only 5 riders left is due to the fight I mentioned earlier. After the fight broke out, many of the riders came forward and said they were paid to not tell anyone that they were doping, and Klerken was the one that paid them. The only riders to not pay him were the 5 main characters, or as Seth Morris' ESPN anchor dubs them, "The Fab Five", claiming no one else will live up to that nickname ever. This was when we get a mini interview with Chris Webber and underneath his name it days, "a member of the much more famous Fab Five". Again, I was cracking up.

Lots of funny and wacky stuff happens during the race. I mentioned Peppi's death. Ditters get caught with cheetah blood, thus setting off the whole cheetah and cheater scene. Hass and Baton start to fall in love. Slim leaves the race to go be a farmer in France, only to return in the end. James Marsden, who was incredible as the announcer for the BBC, is involved in the race, but it is later found out that he is using a bike with a car motor on it, and Baton throws herself onto him to help her new lover, Hass, win the race. Just tons of crazy, hilarious stuff.

The people that they got to be the talking heads in the movie were phenomenal as well. Maya Rudolph is the head of a cycling magazine. She is great. Nathan Fielder is the head of the anti doping committee and he brings his dry humor to this movie, and it is pitch perfect. Joe Buck is himself, and he is really good. Mike Tyson and Lance Armstrong, both people that have done truly awful things in their personal lives, were actually pretty good in this movie. Lance Armstrong was pretty funny. Mike Tyson was a riot. JJ Abrams was pretty tremendous in his small role, as himself too. He plays a heightened version of himself, and I found him to be pretty good.

The entire cast was phenomenal for this small movie. The star, at least in my opinion, was Cena. He was the funniest of all the funny people in this movie. I have found that I enjoy Cena as an actor. Diggs was also really good too. Watching him try to get out of Jackie Robinson's shadow was just great. Jeff Goldblum was also really funny as well.

What I am trying to say is that "Tour de Pharmacy" was incredibly funny and I highly recommend everyone watch it. The Lonely Island seem to have found another niche that fits them, and I hope they continue to do little movies like this. "7 Days in Hell" was great, "Tour de Pharmacy" was better. I can't wait to see what they do next. Until then, go watch "Tour de Pharmacy" if you want a good laugh.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He recently competed his first mini triathalon and has his sights set on the 2018 Tour de France. Anybody know where he can score some cheetah blood?.

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