Ty Watches "Tour de Pharmacy"

There are spoilers for the HBO film "Tour de Pharmacy". Go watch and come back to read Ty's review. It is currently showing on HBO Go, HBO Now, and periodically showing on one of HBO's family of channels at some time of the day.

This past weekend The Lonely Island and HBO released their second sports based faux documentary/comedy, "Tour de Pharmacy". I loved the first one, "7 Days in Hell", so I was excited for this second movie. When I say movie, I use that term loosely. This is basically a short. The "movie" runs about 35 minutes long. This is perfect for this subject material, and an excellent amount of time for what is basically a long form sketch.

Anyway, "Tour de Pharmacy" tells the "true" story of the 1982 Tour de France. This was the most drug riddled race in the history of bike races, according to the narrator, Jon Hamm. We all know now that, for the most part, the guys that do the Tour de France are dopers. It is widely accepted. "Tour de Pharmacy" takes this knowledge and makes it the entire basis of the movie.

Early in the program we find out that a rich German guy named Dittmer Klerken, played hilariously by Kevin Bacon, writes a letter to all 170 racers saying that they can do whatever drugs they want and they won't be tested, if they give him 50,000 dollars a piece. Klerken had built up incredible credit card debt due to a very absurd credit card ad in Sweden. The scene with the ad was probably my favorite part of the entire movie. It was so bizarre and odd and the talking heads comments on it were hilarious. If you watch this movie for one reason, make it to see the part with the ad. It was uproarious.

After the ad shows, they cut to the racers. They introduce us to 5 specific riders at the beginning. The first is Nigerian born racer, Marty Hass. He was played by Andy Samberg. Hass was born into a royal family that just happened to mine diamonds in Nigeria. They say that he went to an all American boys private school, and the people of Nigeria hate him. They hate that he is their country's representative. He is the epitome of a spoiled rich kid, and Samberg plays him hilariously. Another great part of this movie is they have the main characters as their older selves, and the actors that portray the older versions are perfect. Jeff Goldblum plays the older Hass. He is so god damn funny. He has some fake blonde hair hanging out of his hat and he wears African coats the whole time. Goldblum is just as funny as Samberg.

We also meet the first female, posing as a male, to ride in the tour. Freddie Highmore plays the young version of Adrian Baton. He was hilarious. His attempts to act like a female acting like a male was classic Lonely Island stuff. Julia Ormond played the older, and real, Baton, and she was equally as funny. She is a classically trained dramatic actress, but she pulls off the comedy to perfection. Her reveal at the end is wonderful.

Next up is Jackie Robinson's nephew, Slim Robinson, who is trying to get out of his uncle's shadow. He wants to be the first African American to break the color barrier, and at the time, cycling was the only sport that did not have many, if any, people of color. Daveed Diggs, of "Hamilton" and "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" fame is terrific in this movie. He is so funny, but understated. Danny Glover as the older Slim was equally tremendous. His wig is absolutely bananas. I loved it.

John Cena plays Austrian cyclist, Gustav Ditters, and he may have been the best in the whole movie. They show a picture from him the year before and he is rail skinny, then they show the actual Cena, and he is ripped. His claims that he isn't doping are so funny. The fact that he is that shredded, but constantly denies doping, is awesome. When the big fight breaks out in the first stage, and Cena starts to beat the hell out of people, I was in tears. Dolph Lundgren plays the older Ditters, and the whole "cheetah" and "cheater" scene is comedic gold.

The final main cyclist, JuJu Peppi, played by Orlando Bloom, was classic cycling cheater. He had so many drugs in his body that he actually died during the race due to a heart attack. Unfortunately for Peppi, he died while going pee, so his member was out when he died. There is a ton of male frontal nudity in this movie by the way. I have to say, while I don't like Bloom as an actor, he was really good in this movie.

The reason there are only 5 riders left is due to the fight I mentioned earlier. After the fight broke out, many of the riders came forward and said they were paid to not tell anyone that they were doping, and Klerken was the one that paid them. The only riders to not pay him were the 5 main characters, or as Seth Morris' ESPN anchor dubs them, "The Fab Five", claiming no one else will live up to that nickname ever. This was when we get a mini interview with Chris Webber and underneath his name it days, "a member of the much more famous Fab Five". Again, I was cracking up.

Lots of funny and wacky stuff happens during the race. I mentioned Peppi's death. Ditters get caught with cheetah blood, thus setting off the whole cheetah and cheater scene. Hass and Baton start to fall in love. Slim leaves the race to go be a farmer in France, only to return in the end. James Marsden, who was incredible as the announcer for the BBC, is involved in the race, but it is later found out that he is using a bike with a car motor on it, and Baton throws herself onto him to help her new lover, Hass, win the race. Just tons of crazy, hilarious stuff.

The people that they got to be the talking heads in the movie were phenomenal as well. Maya Rudolph is the head of a cycling magazine. She is great. Nathan Fielder is the head of the anti doping committee and he brings his dry humor to this movie, and it is pitch perfect. Joe Buck is himself, and he is really good. Mike Tyson and Lance Armstrong, both people that have done truly awful things in their personal lives, were actually pretty good in this movie. Lance Armstrong was pretty funny. Mike Tyson was a riot. JJ Abrams was pretty tremendous in his small role, as himself too. He plays a heightened version of himself, and I found him to be pretty good.

The entire cast was phenomenal for this small movie. The star, at least in my opinion, was Cena. He was the funniest of all the funny people in this movie. I have found that I enjoy Cena as an actor. Diggs was also really good too. Watching him try to get out of Jackie Robinson's shadow was just great. Jeff Goldblum was also really funny as well.

What I am trying to say is that "Tour de Pharmacy" was incredibly funny and I highly recommend everyone watch it. The Lonely Island seem to have found another niche that fits them, and I hope they continue to do little movies like this. "7 Days in Hell" was great, "Tour de Pharmacy" was better. I can't wait to see what they do next. Until then, go watch "Tour de Pharmacy" if you want a good laugh.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He recently competed his first mini triathalon and has his sights set on the 2018 Tour de France. Anybody know where he can score some cheetah blood?.

Follow Ty on instagram and twitter.

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When Bad Pop Culture Happens to Hopeful People

This is what happens when you mix hope and awfulness

Piggybacking on our podcast from Saturday and RD's piece about sports heartbreak, I'm going to talk about a different type of heartbreak.

Today, I'm going to talk about two movies and two albums that left me heartbroken. There's things in your life that you look forward to and, even though movies and music are very low on the list, things as small as that can leave you heartbroken. You look forward to something coming out, you're already a fan and the first, or everything prior in the catalog, is great, and then a movie or an album comes out, and it's just a dud, and that makes me upset. All the build up and it's just a pile of garbage. That's what I'm going to talk about today.

First, let's talk about two albums that left me heartbroken. I was a huge fan of the band Rocco Deluca and the Burden. Their first album, "I Trust You To Kill Me" was phenomenal. Rocco Deluca is a fantastic slide guitar player, playing my favorite type of guitar, a dobro. He had a way with the slide and how he used chord progressions and effects that was pretty astounding. "I Trust You To Kill Me" had everything on it. There was blues, rock, love songs and everything I liked. I tried to teach myself songs off the album. I only do that with records that I really like. It was a great album. I saw the band perform at the Duck Room in Saint Louis, and the concert was excellent. He played all the songs off the record, played old blues standards, and blew me away. I was fully on board with whatever was coming next from Rocco Deluca and the Burden. In 2009, the band released their second album, "Mercy". Of course I bought it on the day it was released. I listened to it immediately, and this is where the heartbreak seeps in. This album wasn't the same. It was more emo and sad. I didn't know that the band was going through stuff, and they did break up after this album, but what they put on record was, quite frankly, garbage. There was no distorted slide guitar. There was no fire and passion coming from Deluca's vocals. The band seemed disinterested and the album was a complete downer. Being OCD, I gave this album many, many chances. I swear, I've listened to it from start to finish at least ten times. I still have the album downloaded on my iPod, but I don't listen to it. It is a bad record. This really bummed me out. I also heard that in interviews, Deluca kind of said that if you don't like this album, you're not a real fan of his. He's portrayed himself as kind of an asshole before this album was released, and this interview further proved the point. That also made me upset, because, I was a fan. I really liked what they did on their first record, but to act like this after you put out a dud of an album is really upsetting. I recommend listeningto "I Trust You To Kill Me", but give "Mercy" a hard pass. It's not good.

Another musician and band that I adore, not so much anymore, Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals, put out six great, different albums and then their seventh record ruined all the good vibes I had. I was a huge fan of Ben Harper's in high school. The second show I ever saw, the first under my own accord, was Ben Harper at the American Theater in Saint Louis. I was a junior in high school and me and a friend of mine showed up about six hours early so we could be front row. I spoke about this show on one of our early podcasts. It was great. I was hooked and loved everything Ben Harper was doing. He was my introduction to slide guitar. His music introduced me to a lot of the blues that I still listen to. He has a really good voice. The band can do everything from rock to reggae. They're very versatile. And, like I said earlier, their first six albums are very good. But, in 2006 a double disc was released called, "Both Sides of the Gun". I was a bit older by this time, and my love was wavering just a bit. I really enjoyed his previous album, "There Will Be a Light", but that was more a Blind Boys of Alabama record than a Ben Harper record. "Both Sides of the Gun" was supposed to be Ben Harper getting back to what made me like him so much. He was supposed to put the acoustic guitar down, which he apparently fell in love with, and get back to the slide guitar. He does on "Both Sides of the Gun", but barely. That's what left me heart broken. He was supposed to have a return to form, but he only did on about four songs on a 18 song double record. It wasn't a return to form at all, it was all a lie, at least in my mind. I listened to this record a bunch too, trying to like it, but I just couldn't. It was too poppy. Ben Harper, inexplicably, started to yell sing on songs. The band didn't sound very good. It was a huge disappointment. I even went to see the band tour this album, and it was a pretty dreadful show. They didn't sound good live anymore, and that made me even more heartbroken. They kind of redeemed themselves with the album "Lifeline", but "Both Sides of the Gun" left a bad enough taste in my mouth, that I haven't purchased a Ben Harper record since.

Now, to the movies that bummed me out. In 2012, I saw previews for a movie entitled "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". This preview had my favorite president, Lincoln, and mashed it up with him being a badass vampire hunter. I was on board. I couldn't wait to see this movie. Opening day couldn't come fast enough. I dragged my wife and her friend along with me because they had to enjoy how awesome this movie was going to be with me. I thought it would be selfish of me to go see it alone. I wanted to share it with the people closest to me. So, not only did the three of us see it on opening day, but we saw it in 3D. I don't like 3D movies, but this movie was going to be so awesome, why not see it in 3D. The first hint I should've taken that this was going to be terrible, the theater was basically empty for a rush hour show on an opening Friday. But, I thought, people were going to miss out on the greatness that is "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". Then, the movie started. I was excited, but, that excitement was drained almost immediately. This movie was so awful. The acting was bad, the action was terrible, the fights were poorly performed and the 3D gave me a headache. This was not the movie I expected. This was supposed to be the movie of the summer in 2012. What the hell happened? I should've realized that a lot of movies released in early summer are released then because they're so bad. This was heartbreaking. I so wanted to love this movie, but I couldn't even like it in a way that people like bad movies. It wasn't fun bad, it was just bad bad. How could a movie that looked so cool be so terrible? Previews, that's how. The only good thing that came out of this awful, awful movie was, I don't take previews that serious anymore, going so far as to not watch trailers for movies that I'm excited to see. Don't watch "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". It's very, very bad and will only disappoint you.

Another movie that broke my heart was Tim Burton's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I adore "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", and I figured that Tim Burton would do a good job with a remake. Casting Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka seemed like a home run in my mind. That was not the case. First of all, Depp as Wonka was god awful. Instead of playing it with the whimsy and humor that Gene Wilder does in the original, Depp plays the role like a creep. He seems like a guy that shouldn't hang around children, and definitely shouldn't own a chocolate factory. He was dreadful in this role. But, he wasn't the only problem. This movie was an absolute train wreck from start to finish. The kids cast in the iconic roles played them way too over the top. They're supposed to be snotty kids, but these actors took that way too literally. Freddie Highmore, who I think is a pretty good actor, doesn't do such a good job as Charlie. He was too boring. I wanted this movie to be as good as the original, but it was so bad. Tim Burton tried to put his weird vibes on this movie, but this movie doesn't need his touch. This is supposed to be a whimsical movie, but Tim Burton tried to make it dark. That doesn't work here, and it broke my heart. Tim Burton needs to stick to his darker stuff and not ruin another classic movie. I looked forward to this movie, but it was so bad, it just made me upset.

So, there you have it. There's a lot of other stuff besides sports that have left me heartbroken, but these four particular things left me the most heartbroken as far as pop culture goes. Tell me some things that have left you heartbroken in pop culture in the comment section, or tell me why I'm wrong about the stuff I mentioned today. And avoid the things I mentioned today at all costs.

You'll thank me later.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He wants to give all these things in big kiss while at a party in Cuba and tell them how they broke his heart. Follow Ty on twitter @tykulik