Ty Watches "Tour de Pharmacy"

There are spoilers for the HBO film "Tour de Pharmacy". Go watch and come back to read Ty's review. It is currently showing on HBO Go, HBO Now, and periodically showing on one of HBO's family of channels at some time of the day.

This past weekend The Lonely Island and HBO released their second sports based faux documentary/comedy, "Tour de Pharmacy". I loved the first one, "7 Days in Hell", so I was excited for this second movie. When I say movie, I use that term loosely. This is basically a short. The "movie" runs about 35 minutes long. This is perfect for this subject material, and an excellent amount of time for what is basically a long form sketch.

Anyway, "Tour de Pharmacy" tells the "true" story of the 1982 Tour de France. This was the most drug riddled race in the history of bike races, according to the narrator, Jon Hamm. We all know now that, for the most part, the guys that do the Tour de France are dopers. It is widely accepted. "Tour de Pharmacy" takes this knowledge and makes it the entire basis of the movie.

Early in the program we find out that a rich German guy named Dittmer Klerken, played hilariously by Kevin Bacon, writes a letter to all 170 racers saying that they can do whatever drugs they want and they won't be tested, if they give him 50,000 dollars a piece. Klerken had built up incredible credit card debt due to a very absurd credit card ad in Sweden. The scene with the ad was probably my favorite part of the entire movie. It was so bizarre and odd and the talking heads comments on it were hilarious. If you watch this movie for one reason, make it to see the part with the ad. It was uproarious.

After the ad shows, they cut to the racers. They introduce us to 5 specific riders at the beginning. The first is Nigerian born racer, Marty Hass. He was played by Andy Samberg. Hass was born into a royal family that just happened to mine diamonds in Nigeria. They say that he went to an all American boys private school, and the people of Nigeria hate him. They hate that he is their country's representative. He is the epitome of a spoiled rich kid, and Samberg plays him hilariously. Another great part of this movie is they have the main characters as their older selves, and the actors that portray the older versions are perfect. Jeff Goldblum plays the older Hass. He is so god damn funny. He has some fake blonde hair hanging out of his hat and he wears African coats the whole time. Goldblum is just as funny as Samberg.

We also meet the first female, posing as a male, to ride in the tour. Freddie Highmore plays the young version of Adrian Baton. He was hilarious. His attempts to act like a female acting like a male was classic Lonely Island stuff. Julia Ormond played the older, and real, Baton, and she was equally as funny. She is a classically trained dramatic actress, but she pulls off the comedy to perfection. Her reveal at the end is wonderful.

Next up is Jackie Robinson's nephew, Slim Robinson, who is trying to get out of his uncle's shadow. He wants to be the first African American to break the color barrier, and at the time, cycling was the only sport that did not have many, if any, people of color. Daveed Diggs, of "Hamilton" and "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" fame is terrific in this movie. He is so funny, but understated. Danny Glover as the older Slim was equally tremendous. His wig is absolutely bananas. I loved it.

John Cena plays Austrian cyclist, Gustav Ditters, and he may have been the best in the whole movie. They show a picture from him the year before and he is rail skinny, then they show the actual Cena, and he is ripped. His claims that he isn't doping are so funny. The fact that he is that shredded, but constantly denies doping, is awesome. When the big fight breaks out in the first stage, and Cena starts to beat the hell out of people, I was in tears. Dolph Lundgren plays the older Ditters, and the whole "cheetah" and "cheater" scene is comedic gold.

The final main cyclist, JuJu Peppi, played by Orlando Bloom, was classic cycling cheater. He had so many drugs in his body that he actually died during the race due to a heart attack. Unfortunately for Peppi, he died while going pee, so his member was out when he died. There is a ton of male frontal nudity in this movie by the way. I have to say, while I don't like Bloom as an actor, he was really good in this movie.

The reason there are only 5 riders left is due to the fight I mentioned earlier. After the fight broke out, many of the riders came forward and said they were paid to not tell anyone that they were doping, and Klerken was the one that paid them. The only riders to not pay him were the 5 main characters, or as Seth Morris' ESPN anchor dubs them, "The Fab Five", claiming no one else will live up to that nickname ever. This was when we get a mini interview with Chris Webber and underneath his name it days, "a member of the much more famous Fab Five". Again, I was cracking up.

Lots of funny and wacky stuff happens during the race. I mentioned Peppi's death. Ditters get caught with cheetah blood, thus setting off the whole cheetah and cheater scene. Hass and Baton start to fall in love. Slim leaves the race to go be a farmer in France, only to return in the end. James Marsden, who was incredible as the announcer for the BBC, is involved in the race, but it is later found out that he is using a bike with a car motor on it, and Baton throws herself onto him to help her new lover, Hass, win the race. Just tons of crazy, hilarious stuff.

The people that they got to be the talking heads in the movie were phenomenal as well. Maya Rudolph is the head of a cycling magazine. She is great. Nathan Fielder is the head of the anti doping committee and he brings his dry humor to this movie, and it is pitch perfect. Joe Buck is himself, and he is really good. Mike Tyson and Lance Armstrong, both people that have done truly awful things in their personal lives, were actually pretty good in this movie. Lance Armstrong was pretty funny. Mike Tyson was a riot. JJ Abrams was pretty tremendous in his small role, as himself too. He plays a heightened version of himself, and I found him to be pretty good.

The entire cast was phenomenal for this small movie. The star, at least in my opinion, was Cena. He was the funniest of all the funny people in this movie. I have found that I enjoy Cena as an actor. Diggs was also really good too. Watching him try to get out of Jackie Robinson's shadow was just great. Jeff Goldblum was also really funny as well.

What I am trying to say is that "Tour de Pharmacy" was incredibly funny and I highly recommend everyone watch it. The Lonely Island seem to have found another niche that fits them, and I hope they continue to do little movies like this. "7 Days in Hell" was great, "Tour de Pharmacy" was better. I can't wait to see what they do next. Until then, go watch "Tour de Pharmacy" if you want a good laugh.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He recently competed his first mini triathalon and has his sights set on the 2018 Tour de France. Anybody know where he can score some cheetah blood?.

Follow Ty on instagram and twitter.

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Ty calmly teaches Donald Trump about the fine history of American - Muslims athletes

One place covered in gold not owned by Trump

The wonderful President Obama gave a very eloquent, powerful speech on Sunday night in regards to the horrific shooting that happened in San Bernadino, California.

It was a tragic event that happens way too often in the US. These mass shootings need to stop and we need much better laws involving gun control. It's sickening that you can walk into a local Wal Mart or Gander Mtn and walk out with a gun. What has this country come to? Why does everybody need a gun?

Those are questions for a different blog at another time. What I'm writing about today is the ignorant, arrogant, stupid, maniacal and just plain wrong comments world class moron and very racist Donald Trump made during this speech. First of all, he will never be the president. There is no possible world that he becomes president. He's grossly under qualified, he's stupid and he is way too arrogant for the job. He can't run his own business properly, let alone this country. And before you say, you're a liberal and these are just your beliefs, not true. I've heard many prominent conservative republicans that are very pissed and very outraged that Trump is still being talked about as a viable candidate for the republican party. He's a cancer that needs to go away. He's no different than the Kardashian family. He's a joke and his campaign is a joke akin to something "The Onion" would mock on a daily basis. But, like the douchebag he is, he live tweeted President Obama's speech and made one of the most asinine and flat out racist comments on Twitter that I've ever heard.

The President said, "Muslim-Americans are our friends and neighbors, our co-workers, our sports heroes". Then, in his infinite stupidity, Trump said, and I'm giving an exact quote again, "Obama said in his speech that Muslims are our sports heroes. What sport is he talking about, and who? Is Obama profiling?". First things first, that tweet has terrible punctuation. Even I, a career ready college grad, can spot all the grammatical problems with this. He needs to end the first thought with a question mark, not a period. Second, he needs no comma between about and who, just leave it alone. Third, what the shit is he talking about with profiling?! The only person who's been profiling is you, you stupid son of a bitch!

Lets look closely at that quote. Clearly, Trump hates Muslims, be they American or any other country born. If that isn't the definition of racism, I don't know what is. Secondly, there are actual pictures of Trump giving a humanitarian award to one of the greatest Muslim athletes of all time, Muhammed Ali. So, we all now have photographic evidence that he damn well knows of at least one very famous Muslim sports hero. But, Muslim American sports heroes don't just stop at Ali. We have Kareem Abdul Jabaar, Hakeem Olajuwon, Shareef Abdur Raheem, Mahmoud Abdul Rauf, and even Shaquille O'Neal, just to name a few. Hakeem Olajuwon and Shaquille O'Neal may be shocking surprises to you, but they have gone about keeping their religion to themselves, making me like them that much more that they don't push religion on anyone. Shareef Abdur Raheem and Mahmoud Abdul Rauf may be lesser known, but they some of my favorite NBA players of all time. I used to have a Abdur Raheem Vancouver Grizzlies jersey when he was first in the league. I loved his game and the tenacity with which he played. Mahmoud Abdul Rauf may only be known to the outside sports fan as the guy who wouldn't stand for the national anthem, exercising his religious right, but he was one of the top point guards in the NBA in the mid 90's. He was a great assist and defensive specialist and he could score buckets when needed. And of course there's Kareem Abdul Jabaar, one of the NBA's all time greats. He was a star at UCLA, going by the name of Lew Alcindor, and that was his name while playing for the Milwaukee Bucks, but he later converted to Islam when playing for the Lakers.

So, let's take all the other guys out that I just mentioned and let's focus on Kareem Abdul Jabaar and Muhammed Ali. Can you think of two bigger names in American sports? Some will throw out Michael Jordan or Mike Tyson, but I know that Ali is a more famous fighter than Tyson and Kareem is right up there with Jordan. And guess what, they're both Muslim-American athletes Donald Trump, you dumbass. Also, in response, both Ali and Jabaar have come out and denounced Trump. I didn't think I could look up to these men anymore, but they just gained a lot more respect from me. Something needed to be said and who better than two uber famous Muslim athletes. Jabaar put out a very eloquent, very poignant piece in "Time" magazine, basically saying that what Trump is doing is basically terrorism. One part of his piece stated that Trump is basically a Manchurian candidate, putting fear into people where it need not be, essentially doing ISIS job for them. He also said that Trump is ISIS greatest triumph. This is exactly what they want out of American's, fear, and Trump is putting it into people that ISIS has no beef with. He also stated that saying Muslims aren't sports heroes is dimwitted and cruel, suggesting that Muslims are "less worthy"  and a "lesser person" because of their beliefs. Jabaar is 1,000 percent correct and I'm so glad he came out against this monster. Something further needed to be said about this and in swooped Ali. Ali stated, and I quote, "there's nothing Islamic about killing people and that goes against the tenets of the religion. Islamic jihadists go against the true spirit of Muslims". He further added, "speaking as someone who's never been accused of political correctness, I believe our political leaders should bring an understanding about the religion of Islam and clarify the misguided ones that have perverted people's views on what Islam really is". Pretty god damn poetic words from Mr. Ali if you ask me.

I figure at this point Trump is just saying whatever comes into his tiny little pea brain. He's never had a filter, but now, he's off the rails. He's Fox News come to life. My brother and editor of the website RD had a perfect response when I posed the idea for this article today, he said that "Trump is saying what all the Fox News anchors think. He's just as racist and ignorant as the whole crew at Fox News". I couldn't agree more. I hope Trump gets the message loud and clear that he's a dip shit of the world class variety. He's so arrogant, that when he speaks, no matter what he says, he believes it. It can be wrong, racist, idiotic, he doesn't care because it's coming from his mouth. Trump is the true terrorist.

I hope that the people who back him get their wish and he runs the country. It will be a shit show of the highest caliber. As I already stated, he can't even run his own company or his own TV show without it eventually failing, so imagine how terrible he'd be as president of the USA. God, it would be awful. I bet he'd get impeached before year one even ended. Go to hell Donald Trump. I hope you get gonorrhea and have to suffer horrible pain for the rest of your life. That's what a racist asshole like you deserves. You suck. And thank you Kareem Abdul Jabaar and Muhammed Ali for being the inspirations you've been your entire lives. You still inspire millions of people today, no matter what some random dick head says. Kareem Abdul Jabaar and Muhammed Ali are more heroic and more American than Donald Trump will ever be.

Oh, and they're Muslim too.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He admires the patience and humanity of Kareem and Ali, yet Ty can not share their civility when discussing Mr. Trump. Follow Ty on twitter @tykulik.