Ty Ranks the 2016 NFL Teams: The Hot Garbage Edition

Okay, now that you have finished reading my "Bar Rescue" update, I'm back with day 2 of my NFL countdown. Let's get to some more teams that I don't think are going to be very good.

Coming in at number 28, I have the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. You may say, but they looked good on offense last year and they were in a ton of games until the very end last year, why so low? Well, I'll tell you why. Yes, they have a good offense and yes, Jameis Winston looked much better than I thought he would last year, but they still have no real running game, I don't care how good the Muscle Hamster was a few years ago, and their offensive line is not that good. They seem to have a decent enough QB in Winston, who should only get better the longer he is in the league, and they have very good receivers in Vincent Jackson and Mike Evans, but that is where the good stuff ends. They have no real threat at running back and the line cannot block for long enough. Their defense is not very good either. They, like all the teams I have mentioned thus far, cannot pressure the QB or stop the run. Their secondary is not very good either. Then, they inexplicably fired Lovie Smith after one season. They did not hire a coach that I think will be better than Smith, and a lot of people agree with me on this. Smith did not get a fair shot. He could have made the defense competent. He could have had them close to 8 wins this year. Unfortunately, that will not happen. While I like some parts of the offense, I dislike everything about their defense and front office. Looks like another 4-12 season is on the horizon for the Buccaneers.

At number 27, I have the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles stink. They do not have a decent QB. They gave up on DeMarco Murray. They have no receiving threats. Their defense is no good. Their front office makes the Cowboys front office look competent. This team will not be good. Sam Bradford will probably start the year as QB 1, but he will either get hurt, or underperform, and then it will be the Carson Wentz show. Rookies do not do well in the NFL, and Wentz will be no exception. He has no one to throw to, and I don't think he is as good as some other people think he is. The Eagles reached big time on this pick. Their defense is very bad as well. They have no one, and I mean no one that is very good at all on that side of the ball. They will not be able to stop many teams, and much like the 49ers, they will not score too many points. This is a very tough time to be an Eagles fan because of what the now fired Chip Kelly did to this team. He traded away a ton of good players for some not as good players and the team has suffered, and will continue to for some time. I'd be shocked if they win 6 games, that is why I have them finishing 5-11.

At number 26, I have the Detroit Lions. This is kind of painful to me for a few reasons. When I was a kid, the Lions were my team. I loved Barry Sanders and Wayne Fontes and Hermann Moore. They were fun to root for. As I grew up, I realized the Packers were way better, but as I kid, I was a Lions fan. It's also a bummer because I have a lot of family members that are still Lions fans. Sorry, but the Lions just don't appear to be very good. First off, they lost their best offensive player since Barry Sanders this offseason in Calvin Johnson. He retired, but I still wont believe it until I do not see him out on the field. Without Johnson, their only receiving threat is Golden Tate. Yikes. The running backs aren't that good either. Reggie Bush is gone, so Ameer Abdullah will be the feature back. Again, yikes. He fumbles way too much and he can't take a hit. At QB, Matthew Stafford will prove how mediocre he truly is without Calvin Johnson. He will have to actually throw into tight windows and put the ball in his receivers hands. He doesn't have the luxury to just chuck the ball up and hope that Johnson comes down with it. The offense is going to take a big, big step back. The Lions are the first team on this list that I like on defense, but it won't matter. They will be on the field way too much because the offense will be going three and out 90 percent of the time. The defense will also continue to shoot itself in the foot with personal fouls and penalties in general. The Lions are going to take a huge step back. They will only win 4 or 5 games.

At number 25, we have the San Diego Chargers. Yeesh, this team is old and oft injured. Phillip Rivers has been in the league for what seems like one hundred years now, and he has very little to show for it. He is an okay QB, but he wouldn't be one of the first 10 to 12 QB's I'd take if I started a team today. He is way too erratic, and its only gotten worse the longer he has been in the league. His targets are old and hurt all the time now too. Antonio Gates was once great, but he seems to be a person that takes performance enhancing drugs, i.e., his suspension at the start of last year, and he gets hurt way too much. Stevie Jones is already out for the year after tearing his ACL yesterday. I don't know any other receivers on this team. At running back, they have Melvin Gordon Jr, a bust in the making, Ryan Matthews, cannot stay healthy, and Danny Woodhead, what good is he if he doesn't play for the Patriots. Not good choices. The offensive line is fine, but nothing to write home about. It also doesn't matter when Rivers is chucking passes to no one in particular. The defense isn't great either. They wouldn't resign Eric Weddle for some stupid reason, and other than him, they had no one that would set the NFL on fire. They will stop the teams worse than them, but the teams better, there's 25 of them, will score at will on this team. The Chargers are regressing, and they are doing it quickly. They are a lot like the Bears, in so, until they get rid of Rivers, they will continue to get worse. I'd be surprised if the Chargers did not go 5-11 this year.

That's it for today. Come back tomorrow for teams 24, 23, 22, 21. We are getting ever so close to some actual decent teams.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He has some hope, fantasy football hope, for a few players on the teams listed above. Follow Ty on twitter @tykulik.

Let Me Respectfully Explain Why Your Team Stinks: Ty's new hatred for the Seattle Seahawks

It is insulting when you call me a Seahawk

There are some teams I really, really dislike.

Today, I'm going to go back to my irrational hatred for a football team. In two previous blogs, I've written about my irrational hatred for University of Missouri college football and the Los Angeles Clippers from the NBA. Today, I turn my attention to the NFL with the Seattle Seahawks. Good timing to, since the season started last night and truly gets underway on Sunday. The Seahawks are the first team I'll be writing about, under my irrational hatred blogs, that have won a championship. They won the Super Bowl two years ago, and played in the Super Bowl last year. They should've won that game, but I'll get to that later. Missouri football hasn't won anything of importance in over 50 years, and the Clippers have never won anything important ever in their history.

So, let's get to what I hate about the Seahawks. First, there was a time, about 10 years ago, when I actually rooted for the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. They played the Steelers, a team that will be talked about in this discussion at another time. That version of the Seahawks were coached by former Packer coach Mike Holmgren and had Shaun Alexander. I actually, kind of, liked this team. Shaun Alexander was my number one pick in my fantasy draft that year. I also liked the fact that they were a quiet team. No trash talk, no media stuff, they just went out and played football.  By the way, the Seahawks won that Super Bowl. The history books have the Steelers as the champs, but the refs screwed the Seahawks and the NFL and ESPN needed a redemption story for rapist Ben Roethlisberger.

Right after that season, I kind of forgot about the Seahawks. They were mediocre for the next 5 to 7 seasons. Then, they won, what was at the time, the worst division in football, the NFC West with a 7-9 record. This was three or four seasons ago. That was Pete Carroll's first season as head coach. Not only did they win that god awful division, but they went out and beat the New Orleans Saints in the Wild Card game. In typical Saints fashion, they had to go on the road to Seattle, Seattle won the division so they got home field, and the Saints couldn't stop the run. Go back and watch all the missed tackles on what is probably Marshawn Lynch's most famous run.  

It is after this Wild Card win and their subsequent draft  where my hatred for the Seahawks began. They started to pump their chests and say how great they were. Excuse the shit out of me, but you assholes backed your way into the playoffs that season and beat the Saints when everyone expected you to. This attitude is indicative of their head coach. Pete Carroll is a douchebag. This is the same guy who called out Mark Sanchez in front of the media when he declared for the draft. Sanchez was his quarterback at USC, they just came off a Rose Bowl win and he didn't have another decent QB on the roster. So, instead of doing what college coaches are supposed to do, support their players decisions and dreams, he acted like a dumped girlfriend. What makes this even worse, Carroll left USC within a year after Sanchez left for the NFL. Why did he care so much? I'll tell you why, he's a prick that whines like a baby when he doesn't get his way. Let's not forget how much of a cheater at USC he was. He bought Reggie Bush's family a home and a car. He had so many recruiting violations against him that, had he stayed at USC, they could've gotten the death penalty. So, he bolted for the NFL, and you'd think his cheating would stop, but nope. The Seahawks are one of the most suspicious teams in the NFL. Be it fighting between teammates in the locker room or steroids or even players using Ritalin. All these things, with the exception of the fighting, is against the rules. Does the NFL or Pete Carroll or Roger Goodell do anything about it? No, they're all too busy attacking the Patriots for under inflated footballs and stuff that happened almost a decade ago. Pete Carroll also made the worst play call ever during last year's Super Bowl. How do you not hand the ball off to Lynch on the goal line?! That call proves your ignorance and arrogance. I was elated you lost the Super Bowl in crushing fashion. You're an idiot Pete Carroll and  I hate you.

I mentioned the draft also as a reason why I hate this team. They undercut other teams and under pay their rookies. They seem to get pretty good players at a super cheap salary. How on Earth does that happen. Guys like Michael Bennett, Doug Baldwin and the majority of their offensive line are really underpaid. Marshawn Lynch is the best running back in the league right now, and they just gave him a multi million dollar extension last year. Their best secondary player, Kam Chancellor is willing to sit the whole season because, for football players, he's criminally underpaid. Richard Sherman is due for a huge raise, but will he get it? Probably not because they just gave Russell Wilson a HUGE contract.

This brings me to another big, big problem I have with the Seahawks, Russell Wilson. This guy is the most corporate, robotic piece of human trash I could ever imagine. He shows no emotions, unless he's talking about God. Let's get things straight too, he's a mediocre QB at best. This team didn't make it to two consecutive Super Bowls because of Russell Wilson, their defense and Marshawn Lynch carried them. But, you turn on ESPN or the NFL Network, and he's mentioned in the same breath as Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and old timers like Warren Moon and Fran Tarkenton. I'd take all those QB's over Wilson in a second. He's got little to no touch on his throws and he's going to get killed running the read option. He's a tick better than Colin Kaepernick, and that's not a compliment. The fact that the Seahawks gave him Aaron Rodgers money is going to cripple this team in the long run. Instead of paying the players that got them to the highest point in football, they paid a sub par QB a shit ton of money.

All his God talk needs to stop. When he first got in the league, players from other teams, it's been reported, said that he slept with their girlfriends while they were still together. That's not good in God's eye Russell Wilson. Also, if there is a God, he doesn't give a shit about you. You are the least of his problems. He's also totally sleeping with current girlfriend, musician Ciara. Nobody buys your guys bull shit. Russell Wilson is also known for clashing with teammates. He ran Golden Tate and Percy Harvin out of town. He tried to get the front office to trade Lynch in the middle of last season. Screw you Russell Wilson, have fun winning 6 or 7 games for the rest of your career. And, nobody outside of Seattle likes Marshawn Lynch or Richard Sherman. The hatred for Lynch isn't as bad for Sherman, Lynch pokes fun at himself, but his whole attitude towards media and people outside of his circle is stupid. Quit trying to be the Rasheed Wallace of the NFL. You're not as charasmatic as Rasheed Wallace. Richard Sherman on the other hand, boy the hatred is strong. Sherman is the best cover corner in the league, but he needs to stop talking. You went out and got into a fight with Skip Bayless. I can't think of a more douchey fight. You're a Stanford grad Richard Sherman, you don't have to constantly go on TV and tell us how smart you are. We know you're smart. You're also a bad sport. You lose with no dignity, and when you win, I close my ears because I can't deal with your mouth. You're like a conservative republican. You think you're correct because you're the loudest. Just shut the hell up and go out there and play football. You're a good enough football player that you don't need to run your mouth. Also, nothing made me happier than when Russell Wilson threw that pick and your smile turned to a frown. It was euphoric for me to watch you lose.

Seahawks fans are pretty ridiculous too. As I said earlier, you guys just recently became good. Before this success, I didn't know one single Seahawk fan. Now, they're coming out of the woodwork. If that's not a bandwagon fan, I don't know what is. You guys are the 21st century Dallas Cowboys. By this I mean, your fans are bandwagon fans and people that don't like you, HATE you and your fans. I hate all these actors and comedians, that I enjoy, are pounding the drum for you all over social media. Comedian Nick Thune, who I think is great, acts like there's no other team in the NFL. Or, when he does talk about a team not called the Seahawks, that team is a cheater and all their fans suck. Come back to me when the Seahawks are also rans in two years and tell me that you're still a fan. Chris Pratt, the biggest star right now and one of my favorite actors, is all over social media with his Seahawk love. Where were you five years ago?! I didn't hear or see you pumping up the Seahawks. You were like a ghost, but now that they're good, you're all over the place talking about Seahawk love. I bet the two of you couldn't name the starting QB the year before Matt Hasselbeck took over the job. You guys probably loved Hasselbeck when he was your QB, but now, you probably tell other people that he's a joke and shouldn't be in the league. I've got news for you guys, your QB's have never been elite.

So, these and many, many other reasons are why I loathe the Seahawks. It's a new hatred, but it's very strong and will only get stronger. Screw you Seattle Seahawks and screw your "12th" man bull shit. No one cares.  

You will be irrelevant in two years.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and co-host of the X Millennial Man podcast. His love for Michigan Football is much greater than all of his hatred combined (please Jim Harbaugh, start winning soon). Follow Ty on twitter @tykulik.