Ty Watches Brian Regan's New Special "On the Rocks"

The other day I sat down, in between the movies I have been watching, and I watched Brian Regan's new Netflix Special, "On the Rocks". Brian Regan is one of my all time favorite stand up comedians. He is a lightning bolt. He is a force on stage. His facial gestures, the way he uses his body for his comedy, the way he uses his voice, it all works. He is also clean, which is an accomplishment, although it shouldn't be, and he still seems to absolutely crush every time he is on stage. He also keeps politics out of his act, which is smart and endearing of him.

Again, Brian Regan is simply one of the absolute best, and this special is fantastic. It is quick, funny, moving and perfect. It was also shot during the pandemic, which is wild. Apparently they made it in Utah, and there seemed to be about 100 or maybe 200 people in the audience, all of which were masked, and it is probably the first of its kind, with more of them to come. It was crazy to see all the masked fans, but I will say, it actually made me feel oddly comfortable. This is the new reality we live in, and this is as safe as a performer can make a stand up show now, and most definitely in the future.

This special was filled with classic Brian Regan bits, facial gestures and all. I was a bit on the fence about this special, I haven't heard much from Regan in the past few years, but he showed why he is one of the greats. From the moment he walked on stage with a full head of gray hair, to talking about his newfound OCD and anxiety, to his social anxiety, to his love for mayo, all the way to his impression of the person who invented the bagpipes, it was all hilarious. The gray hair was a perfect start. He mentioned it right away, talked about how COVID forced him to stop dying his hair, which made for a great bit inside a bit, and got it immediately out of the way, and did it very funnily. I loved the OCD and anxiety stuff. As a person who has both of those, it was nice to hear someone make a joke about it, to not take it so seriously but to recognize it. I loved the stuff about bookshelves. I have taken the exact tests he mentions in the special. I feel the same way about things that he talks about. I check the stove every night for example. The social anxiety was just as good. Hearing him try to shoehorn his way into conversations is exactly how I felt pre COVID. Those party going situations with strangers make me so uncomfortable, and to hear how Regan deals with it, I was rolling. When he talks about the lady who says that animals are smarter than people, that was my absolute favorite part of the special. The mayo bit I feel like was written for my wife. He loves mayo so much that he had to make a resolution around it. I have made that joke to my wife before. And when he described how he dealt with this, it was gross, but also one of the funniest things I have heard. And that closer about the bagpipes, it was classic Regan. He did facial stuff, he used his body, he used his limbs. When he performed this joke it was talking, but also very visual, and it worked like a charm. It was funny and goofy and silly and classic.

It was nice to see a new stand up special from one of my favorites, and one of the best stand up comedians of all time. Go check it out. You can watch it with your kids, and they will find it funny. You will also get to see one of the all time greats crushing at their profession. Watch this. It is well worth your time.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Ty Rewatches "Saved By the Bell: The College Years"

In listening to the podcast "Zack to the Future", and rewatching old episodes of "Saved by the Bell", and also finishing up a book called "Zack Morris Lied 329 Times", I recently decided I wanted to go back and watch "The College Years" again. I did watch it when it was first on, in syndication, and I remember thinking that it was not as good as the original, but thinking it was just fine. Well this rewatch, and yes we finished the whole season, all nineteen episodes, in about four days, showed me a whole new light, and it was not great.

"The College Years" just does not have the juice that the original had. It isn't as campy or funny or goofy or enjoyable. It is just more recycled nonsense, but this time around they are in college, and I kept saying, they are too old for these stunts. Zack still acts like he is in high school. I know he is only a freshman, but his whole schtick, his antics, his attitude, it is so much more trashy than when he was in high school. People are supposed to grow as they get older, supposed to find new meaning, become the person they will be for the rest of their lives. Zack does none of this. He is still scheming, conniving, womanizing and, quite frankly, kind of pathetic. He has one line when he talks about a girl he likes dating someone they said is cooler than him, and he says, "cooler than me? No one is cooler than me". Dude, you are in a college with thousands of other people, some of which are most assuredly cooler than he is. Hell, he lives with Slater, and Slater is at school on a sports scholarship. His roommate is cooler than him. When Kelly shows up in episode 2, she is cooler than him. The fact that he wants to be in a fraternity so bad makes all the independents cooler than him. I could go on and on.

I really like Mark Paul Gosselear, and seeing where he is at now in his career makes me appreciate him so much more, but he is no good as Zack in "The College Years". He is just kind of blah and boring and repetitive. At least Slater has wrestling, a job, starts to celebrate his heritage, dates someone totally different from him. Slater shows growth from high school to college. He also, for the most part, stays out of the shenanigans. But, he is kind of boring in this iteration of the show. Screech is still geeky and weird, but he gets a girl on his own, joins a frat on his own, helps take care of a monkey and excels in school. Screech would go places in real life. But, again, he is so doofy and dumb, especially for someone as smart as his character is supposed to be. Kelly, when she shows back up, is seemingly down for all new experiences. She works at the school hospital, she is a waitress, she dates a professor and she resists Zack, at least for a bit. But she still succumbs to his "charm", and picks him over the hundreds of other guys, who would have been way better for her in the long run. Leslie, Alex and Bob are just filler. Leslie starts as a love interest for Zack, but that ends as soon as Kelly shows up. Alex is annoying and a stereotypical theater major and chews far too much scenery. Bob is supposed to be the new Belding, but, and I can't believe I'm saying this, he is not nearly as funny or charming as Dennis Haskins.

"The College Years" tried to stick to the method that was so successful in high school, but you have to remember, these kids are college kids. High school nonsense doesn't fly. Professors cannot order students to their office. They cannot force kids to come to class. Zack wouldn't be able to get away with his usual chicanery. I love "Saved by the Bell". Believe me. But I think that is the only version of the show I will still watch, especially with how rough "The College Years" was on rewatch. It is not very good. At all.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Ty Watches the Super Bowl

The Super Bowl came and went with a whimper last night. Tampa Bay crushed Kansas City. It was close for about one quarter. The Chiefs got called for an exuberant amount of first half penalties, many of which I thought were pretty bad calls. The refs cleaned it up in the second half, and the game went pretty smooth after that. But, even with the refs making some bad calls, this game was not as close as I hoped it would be.

I assumed we would get a high scoring, shootout type of game. The Bucs did their part, but the Chiefs were stifled. The Bucs defense was dominant last night. And I know people will say that the Chiefs didn't have their two starting tackles, and that Mahomes is hurt, but that did not affect them at all in the playoffs until last night. The Bucs got constant pressure, they negated the Chiefs run game, they had Mahomes running for his life all night and they picked him off twice. They also did not give up one TD, which I believe is the first time that has happened to the Chiefs since Mahomes took over as the starter. This was also the first time he was beaten by double digits in the NFL. The Bucs D should have won a team MVP last night. They were awesome. This goes to show that Todd Bowles is a good coach. The Bucs offense did all the right stuff after their first two drives. They went three and out twice, then they figured it out. Byron Leftwich orchestrated an exceptional game plan after those first two drives, and the Bucs pretty much did whatever they wanted. They had receivers and tight ends streaking down the field constantly, and they were wide open. Leonard Fournette and Ronald Jones Jr ran with power and had gaping holes to plow through. This was a dominant effort. Tom Brady did what he has always done. He was efficient, focused and managed the game perfectly. He executed Leftwich's plan to a T.

I do not like Tampa, not at all. I haven't liked them ever. But, the proof was out on the field that they were the better, more prepared team last night. Also, I questioned Brady's choice to sign with Tampa. I was obviously wrong. I think there is no question he is the best QB to ever play in the NFL.

As for the Chiefs, this is going to happen from time to time. They did have key injuries. Mahomes was not 100 percent. They relied on a rookie running back. With dynasties, and yes the Chiefs are on the cusp of being one, games like this are going to happen. New England did not win every Super Bowl they played in. Peyton Manning won two, but he also lost two. The Cowboys have a ton of titles, but they have playoff lapses too. The Packers have the same. With a team on the brink of a dynasty, especially in football, games like this are par for the course. But make no mistake, they got whooped. Mahomes even said as much. They were outmatched and thoroughly beaten. But do I think they will be back in the Super Bowl before Tampa? Yes. They are still the favorites in the AFC every year they have a healthy Patrick Mahomes. I think they should be the favorites for the Super Bowl in 2022. They are that good. They had a rough game last night, and were beaten by a better team. But that doesn't change the fact that they are young and super, super talented.

As for the other stuff, this whole Super Bowl "experience" was indicative of 2020, and the beginning of 2021. We had no one at our house to watch. The food was excellent, just not as plentiful. The commercials, save for a very few, were all kind of dull. I am not a fan of The Weekend, and while his show looked neat, I did not think it was a hall of fame performance. I do appreciate that his dancers were masked, even if it was just for affect. The anthem was fine. The poet, I did think she was amazing. The post game stuff was very blah, as was the game itself. I am astonished that the NFL got a full season in, that there were no stoppages or shut downs and that they played a Super Bowl. But the game, and pretty much everything surrounding it was not that exciting or interesting. I'd say the two best things for me were the poet and the pulled pork sliders my wife made. Everything else was very forgettable.

Anyway, congrats to the Bucs, and Chiefs fans, don't get too upset, you guys will be back very, very soon.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Ty Watches "WandaVision"

"WandaVision" might be one the best new shows to ever be on TV. I was going to watch this show no matter what. I am a Marvel fan, I like most of the movies, I fully believe that Marvel is better than DC and they have done some interesting stuff these past couple years. I like the direction they have gone with the "Thor" movies, "Guardians of the Galaxy" is super cool and most of the "X-Men" movies, especially "Logan", are pretty awesome. So I just assumed that "WandaVision" was going to be, at the very least, watchable.

It is so much more than that. This show is one of the coolest, most unique and interesting things that TV has ever produced. I will not spoil anything, at least not try to, moving forward. When I read about the show I was intrigued. Then I saw some trailers, very short trailers, I was even more on board. Then this past weekend, me, my wife and our son decided we were going to watch all four episodes that have been released. These four episodes are amazing. I love the concept of the show. My son was confused as to why the first episode was in black and white. We explained to him that TV back in the 50's was all black and white. Oh, by the way, the show is done like old school TV sitcoms. The first episode was the 50's, then the 60's, then the 70's. The fourth was where they shifted, to modern times, and that was one of the best, and most essential, episodes in modern TV. Wanda and Vision are barely in it, but we get a look at what is going on in the outside world, the real world.

Prior to the fourth episode though, we have been given three very cool, very eye opening stuff. I also think there have been plenty of easter eggs dropped in so far. I am not totally up on all the stuff I am sure I am missing, but knowing Marvel, they are dropping stuff in left and right. Anyway, in that first episode, we have the 50's set. Wanda and Vision live in a town called Westfield, and they are just trying to be everyday citizens. They still have their powers, but otherwise, Vision has a job, Wanda makes friends around the neighborhood, and they are trying to live a "normal" life. But weird things start to come up. There are moments when you can hear people talking to Wanda. There are splashes of color in the premiere. There are things that come up that make it seem like this world may not be real. That continues into the second and third. More and more things happen, but it is all underscored by some wild things that are happening. Wanda keeps hearing these voices. She keeps seeing things that make her snap. She suddenly gets pregnant out of nowhere. Vision is starting to ask questions. He wants to understand what is going on. The people in the town seem to be in on some weird plotline that we haven't been cued into yet. Speaking of the neighbors, Kathryn Hahn is really, really good on this show, and I am stoked to see where they take this character. I'm also very interested in what is going to happen next, after the fourth episode. A bunch of stuff came to light in that one, and it is going to make for a very interesting close to the first season.

I do hope they continue to make more and more because this, as I have said before, is one of the coolest TV shows ever created. This is showing how smart and interesting and willing to take chances the Marvel company is right now with the properties they have. I like this show more than the last two "Avengers" movies, which I love. I am more interested in the outcome of this season than I was for the season one finale of "The Good Place". which is one of the best finales ever. "WandaVision" has so, so much potential, they are realizing it early, which is great, and I am just so pumped to watch from here on out. Check out this show, you will not be disappointed. This show is truly, truly amazing.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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RIP Dustin Diamond

Earlier today I was outside with my daughter while she rode her wheel cart and RD texted me, "pour one out for Screech".

I was surprised, to say the least. I knew he was sick. I knew a few weeks back they had rushed him to the hospital and it was kind of a secret as to what was going on. Then it was released that he had stage 4 lung, or maybe throat, cancer. But by all accounts, as of less than two weeks ago, he seemed to be in recovery. Everyone around him said he was doing chemo, and they had hoped it was working.

Apparently it did not. I guess, from what I have read since receiving that text, was that the cancer was very dangerous and that it spread very quickly throughout his whole body. His reps said that the only good thing to come from this was that he died fast and wasn't in a "pool of pain". That sounds brutal to me.

Now that I have had a couple of hours to sit on this info, and I even talked to my wife about it, it feels pretty goddamn weird to be writing, basically, a "tribute" to Dustin Diamond. He was an actor, as a child, that I adored. I watched "Saved by the Bell" pretty religiously as a kid. I didn't get up to watch on Saturday's when it first aired, but syndication was my jam. I would watch it for two hours some days, if I was lucky enough to catch the TNT and TBS blocks. I devoured the show in my tweens, and even into my teens and early 20's. I know every episode from the four high school seasons, I can quote most of them, and Screech was probably my favorite character, at least as a kid. He made me laugh, he was goofy, he dressed wild and he was smart. I even thought he was kind of cool, and I loved his pursuit of Lisa. As I got older, and still watched the show, maybe even more so when RD and I lived together, I saw it with different eyes, but Screech was still the funniest. Only this time around I laughed at him, and then realized that I had been laughing at him even when I was a kid. He was the main character that got dumped on by everyone on the show. He was the butt of the jokes. Even when he would get the girl, or do something helpful, it was always backhanded, or made out as a joke. Screech wasn't this funny, smart kid I looked up to on the show as a child. He was the nerd, the doofus, the one everyone made fun of. I still stuck with him, even going so far as to wear Zubaz pants when RD and I had a day we dedicated to Screech. But as I look back on it now, Screech wasn't cool, he was the dork, point blank. I very sparingly watched the "College Years", and I think I only saw maybe a handful of "The New Class", but it was more of the same with Screech. He never really evolved on the show.

After “Saved By the Bell” his personal life became more of the thing, and he did not seem like the best person in the world. He released a sex tape, which he later said he used a "double" for the sex. Okay, whatever. Then he wrote a tell all book, which he then confessed was written by a ghost writer, and half, if not more, of the stories were false. That's kind of pathetic. Then he went the reality show route, and he was always cast, or trying to be, the villain. It didn't work, and he couldn't pull it off. Anytime he got into it with someone, I would always say, "Screech is about to get his ass kicked". This is partly him, for being an asshole, but me also, for typecasting him in my head as Screech. He never changed from the character I watched growing up, so that was who he always was to me, and a lot of other people. The nail in the coffin was when he was in a bar fight that involved a stabbing, and he was arrested and put in jail for, I believe, three years. That wiped any, of which there may have been none, respect that I had left for Dustin Diamond. It all went out the window, and it seemed that way with his former castmates, and even some friends he had made. I know he did a tell all thing with Oprah Winfrey in 2013 where he tried to clean things up, and did a similar thing with Mario Lopes three years later, but the damage had been done, and he was, quite frankly, a dirtbag in my opinion.

Yet it is a bummer when someone dies so young. He didn't get COVID or anything like that either. This wasn't because he was being careless. He unfortunately got a very serious form of cancer that cut his life way, way too short. I know I have been dumping on him this whole blog, but that is a crummy way for a person to go out. Yes he wasn't a good person, but he wasn't some kind of monster that did awful things to people. All of his harm was self inflicted. So while I do not feel about him like I did with Kobe Bryant, or someone I truly adore like MF Doom, it is still a shock and a bummer when someone I watched growing up dies so young. He was only six years older than me. That is crazy.

RIP Dustin Diamond. You lived a wild and crazy life, but Screech will live on forever, and I guess you made the most of your time here.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Best of 2020: Top Five Television Shows

TV was pretty solid this year.

It really was the highlight of 2020.

You do not believe me? Let’s discuss.

There was a lot of great television to choose from, and a good amount of it was okay. There was some early quarantine stuff that, when I look back on it now, was not as great as I thought it was at the time. Think "Tiger King" and "Love is Blind". Those shows were a nice distraction, but looking back, they were not great by any stretch of the imagination. They were more crummy reality TV shows that let me forget how crazy the world was, and still is. But, there was good stuff, just mostly already good shows that had really good seasons. That is how I viewed my choices this year. There is only one brand new show on my list, but that show is the best of the year. The rest are all shows that are already established. Let's get to the list.

At number five I have season two of "What We Do in the Shadows". The movie was amazing, and the show is pretty damn good. The first season was a nice homage to the movie. The second season really went out on its own. They explored each character. They gave us great one off episodes of two main characters. The episode that focused on Colin Robinson, the energy vampire, was one of the best episodes of TV in decades. They were able to follow that up with the "Jackie Daytona" episode, featuring an excellent cameo from Mark Hamill. "What We Do in the Shadows" got exponentially better in season two, and season one was great. The stuff with Guillermo, further looking into his vampire hunting past, ended with a tremendous conclusion. I loved this season, and I cannot wait to see where they go with the third.

At number four I have season two of "The Mandalorian". I am a newly minted "Star Wars" fan, but "Rogue One" and "The Mandalorian" are pretty exceptional. Season two of the show gave us Baby Yoda's real name. We got some kick ass fight scenes. Boba Fett reappeared. The episode with Ashoka Tano was epic. And anytime Giancarlo Esposito showed up on screen, I knew some wild stuff was about to happen. We got to see cool space monsters and other inhabitants of this world, and that is always fun for me. I read they had some on set drama, but none of that showed in the final product. And that surprise at the end of the season ranks right up there with some of the best TV season finales ever. "The Mandalorian" is a great show, with a solid cast and really cool story writing. It is an old west style show shot in outer space. I'm curious to see where they go with season three, but I bet it will be great.

At number three I have season 10 of "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Sure, it gets kind of annoying waiting on a new season of "Curb", but when you come up with the comedy that Larry David does, all that goes away. This most recent season rules. All the stuff with Susie and Jeff is great, and it went to a new level of greatness this season. The episode with the painting was hilarious. The wedding episode with Timothy Olyphant was cringey in the best possible way. The stuff with Cheryl and Larry was tremendously funny. Ted Danson was sparsely on, but when he was he was great. But the spite coffee store was the creme de la creme. Larry deciding to do this, with Leon's help, is what makes this show so funny and so incredible. The writing, and improvising, is second to none. Larry David proved why he is one of the greatest people ever to do what he does. He has entered the pantheon of people that really can do no wrong. I know they are making an 11th season as we speak, and I am sure they will find a way to make COVID funny. David might be the only person capable of accomplishing that.

At number two I have season four of "Fargo". "Fargo" is a great show, with great connecting storylines. Season 4 kind of connected all the previous seasons. This was the first one that didn't take place in the North, instead heading to Kansas City. But, there was mention of Fargo, and the show was as captivating as previous seasons, if not more so. Chris Rock was the head of one crime family, the new one, going up against Jason Schwartzmann's already established crew. How they weaved both families stories together was perfect, and the addition of outside characters was done so well. Nurse Mayflower was frightening. The high school student that lived in a mortuary clearly was running things near the end. The sister and her girlfriend, the robbers, were so good. Timothy Olyphant, his second appearance on my list, was charming as hell. The way Noah Hawley does this show, the way it is written and the people he gets to act are so good and so game for anything that is thrown at them. And as I said before, the way they tied previous seasons to this one was done so well. The very last scene of this season was too perfect. "Fargo" is one of the best shows on TV right now, and I hope FX continues to do more.

Speaking of FX, and how I previously mentioned I only had one new show on my list, coming in at number one is the FX show "Dave". I am a Lil Dicky fan. I like his music. I do not think he is a joke or parody rapper, I just think he writes funny lyrics, but is a genuinely good rapper. I did not know what to expect from his show, and boy did it knock me on my ass in the best possible way. The show is a comedy, but like most things on FX, it deals with some heavy shit. Dave is trying to make it, but it is hard for him. He tells his story on this show, and he gets other people involved. Gata, his buddy and hype man, is all wild and fun, but he is bipolar. The episode that reveals this is a very well told, raw story of bipolar disorder. Dave's old camp buddies come to see him perform live, and while they have him doing jokey things, we find out that his old friends are assholes that took advantage of him. Dave soon realizes this too. His friend and engineer wants to make it in the music business, but his anxiety and self doubt gets in the way. Dave treats his girlfriend like shit, and when she finally calls him out on it, and breaks up with him, I was heartbroken for them both. This show was able to perfectly toe the line of drama and comedy. They did such a good job. And the way it catches you totally off guard is how any good show should hit you. I was on the fence about this show, but damn am I glad I watched it, and have watched it multiple times since. I highly, highly recommend people check it out. It will surprise you.

That does it for TV. Come back tomorrow for my top five sports moments of 2020.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

Come and support Ty and the podcast on Patreon.

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SeedSing Classic: Advent Calendar of Holiday Television Programs: Day 23 - "Seinfeld - The Strike"

ed note: This article was first published on December 18th, 2016

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we are looking back at the great holiday music, movies, television episodes, and food of this great season. Enjoy

Day 23 "Seinfeld - The Strike"

Original air date - December, 18th 1997 

Opened Doors: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen,  Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two

For SeedSing's Advent Calendar of great holiday television shows, today, I'm going to write about the "Festivus" episode of "Seinfeld". I know the episode is called "The Strike", but lets be honest, I think we all know this as the Festivus episode. The Festivus episode of "Seinfeld" ranks right up there with any "Simpsons", "The Office" or any other TV show we have written about for the Advent calendar. In fact, I'm going to say that the Festivus episode of "Seinfeld" is the best holiday television show ever. I may quote "The Simpsons" more, or laugh at "The Office" more, but this particular episode of "Seinfeld" has literally changed the way I view the holiday. Today marks Festivus, and I will be airing grievances, showing feats of strength and getting the big pole out for this wonderful pre holiday holiday. 

The episode starts off funny. We all learn that Kramer was/is a worker in a bagel shop, and the strike that he has been seemingly on for years, has ended. Funny right off the bat. The whole thing with the bagel shop, and Kramer's past, and now present, are all classic "Seinfeld". We also get another story involving Elaine giving some creeps a phony phone number and there is some wackiness that happens with this plot line throughout. But, the true gem of the episode is when George's dad tells the world of the joyous day of Festivus.

We learn that when George was a kid, his dad was in line waiting to get him a toy, a doll in fact, and someone else got the last one. He pleaded and prodded the person to give him the doll, but they just would not budge. This caused Frank to lose his mind. He got very, very upset, as he almost always does.  This was when and where he Frank decided he needed to have a "holiday for the rest of us", and thus, Festivus was born. He decided that everyone needs to do many things to make themselves feel a bit better during this holiday season.

Let's be honest, this time of year brings out the anxiety and anger in the best of us. The holiday season can be pretty rough. So, the fact that Frank came up with a holiday where everyone can air their grievances, I love it. I wish this was a real thing and people would not get upset at the outcome. Imagine how nice it would be to tell everyone how you feel, but with the caveat that they cannot get mad at you, and they are allowed to do the same. This would be terrific. To let it all out, that would feel great from both sides. I love that the Costanza's do this every year, because who has more grievances than the Costanza's? No one, that's who. Imagine Frank, Estelle and George sitting around airing their grievances, it must be magically hilarious.

Then, the feats of strength. This would be my absolute favorite. This gives you the chance to prove who is the strongest in your family. I would crush this part of Festivus (ed note: no he would not), and I think my whole family, while they might disagree at first, knows that I would dominate. Now, imagine once again, the Costanza's doing this. I can almost guarantee that Estelle would be the strongest in the family. She may not look it, but I think she would absolutely dominate George and Frank in a feats of strength competition. I bet George is also the weakest, even at everyone's advanced age. He is so meek and mean, but that is just his attitude, I'm sure that does not translate into actual strength.

Then, we have the Festivus pole, which is the alternative to the tree and menorah used during this time of year. It is just an unadorned pole that sits in your living room on December 23rd. It does nothing, but it adds so much to this episode. The fact that Frank just wanted an alternative to all the glitz and glamour of the holiday's is a perfect representation of Frank and the Costanza's. They do not conform to social norms at any times, and I love that.

What makes this episode even more wonderful is the fact that people have made Festivus a real holiday. This has become a real thing. At the time of its airing, it was just an idea that Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David and the "Seinfeld" writing crew came up with, but now, it is real. The computer hasn't proclaimed that I have spelled the word wrong once, there is actual written facts on the internet and most people actually celebrate the day. This has become a world wide, nationally celebrated holiday. I know for a fact that when I go see my family later today, we will celebrate some of the best parts of Festivus, and I cannot wait (ed note: also the fact that Ty will once again lose the feats of strength).

The fact that Festivus is a nationally recognized thing should be more than enough to get this episode on our list, but there are so many more reasons. It is a funny, goofy, Costanza heavy episode, which are usually the best that "Seinfeld" has to offer. While I love "The Simpsons", and it will always be my favorite show, this episode of "Seinfeld" is one of the best episodes of just general television, but it is also the best representation of this holiday that TV has ever put out. It is magnificent.

Go out and have a wonderful Festivus everyone. After all, it is a holiday for the rest of us.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. Did we mention that Ty always loses the feats of strength. He does always lose. Follow Ty on instagram and twitter.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.

SeedSing Classic: Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 21 - "Saturday Night Live - TV Funhouse December 17th, 2005

ed note: This article was originally published on December 21st, 2016

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we are looking back at the great holiday music, movies, television episodes, and food of this great season. Enjoy.

Day 21 "Saturday Night Live - TV Funhouse December 17th, 2005"

Original air date - Read the title 

Opened Doors: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen,  Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty

We all need that special time where we rule the world. I can do no justice to the master work of Darlene Love and the people at TV Funhouse. 

Enjoy

RD 

RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He also did not wait in line for King Kong on Christmas Day. He wish he had.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.

SeedSing: Classic: Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 16 "The Boba Fett Cartoon Featured in the Star Wars Holiday Special"

ed note: This article was originally published on December 16th, 2016

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we are looking back at the great holiday music, movies, television episodes, and food of this great season. Enjoy

Day 16: "The Boba Fett Cartoon Featured in the Star Wars Holiday Special"

Original air date - November 17th, 1978

Opened Doors: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen,  Fourteen, Fifteen

Sometimes the thing we really want for Christmas turns out to not be that great. Maybe there was a big video game we were wishing for, and it was underwhelming. A new cool drone that crashes and breaks within ten minutes. A hoverboard that sets fire to your feet. Many times we have our heart set on something, and our anticipation is rewarded with shoddy craftsmanship. As we dig through the garbage that once was our wanted presents, we sometimes find something unexpected and spectacular.

It is well known that the Star Wars Holiday Special is an epic piece of trash. Premiering on November 17th, 1978, less than two years after the release of the original film, the holiday special was immediately greeted with disgust and disdain. George Lucas himself has wished for the destruction of every copy of the cash grab be destroyed. The story was idiotic, the guest stars were questionable, and the Tree of Life song was a special kind of stupid. The special only aired once, and has never been given a VHS, Betamax, DVD, or BluRay release. For almost two hours, the world was inflicted with holiday blues from a galaxy far far and away. It was mostly a major disappointment, except for a 10-minute cartoon smack dab in the middle.

"The Faithful Wookie" was a small animated feature that split apart the mind numbing stupidness of the Star Wars Holiday Spectacular. The animated short is most famous for introducing the bounty hunter Boba Fett into the Star Wars cannon. It is considered so influential that the 2011 BluRay release of The Empire Strikes Back has the cartoon remastered in high definition as an easter egg.

The adventure itself centers around Luke trying to rescue Han and Chewie from some McGuffin, and Boba Fett appearing as a helpful ally. The 1978 audience had never seen this character before and did not know what the armored man's motivations were. Unfortunately, we learn that Boba Fett is in contact with Darth Vader, and the bounty hunter is trying to set a trap for Han, Chewie, and Luke. The ever resourceful R2D2 catches Fett, and our new enemy uses his jet pack to escape, promising that they will all meet again. 

The ten-minute cartoon shows why Boba Fett has become one of the most popular figures in the Star Wars hall of heroes and villains. His armor is awesome. He uses the things on his wrist, and his jetpack. "The Faithful Wookie" features more dialogue from Boba Fett than what will come in the next two films. The adventure from our heroes is basic stuff, but the premier of this incredible new resident of a galaxy far far away was the only gift worth keeping from the Star Wars Holiday Special.

It is disappointing to get the new great thing and then learn it is a poorly constructed cash grab by some focus group driven idiots in a corporate office. The whole ordeal leaves a scar on what was once a favorite piece of pop culture. But, sometimes if we dig through the trash, we will find a gem. Sometimes that gem even comes in the mail with a rocket that shoots off of its back. If you find that gem, hold onto it, it is worth an obscene amount of money.

RD

RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He was inspired to write this because he just got done seeing Rouge One. He is now hoping to get his very own Death Star engineer figurine in the mail any day now

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.

SeedSing Classic: Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 13 - "Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas!"

ed note: This article was originally published on December 13th, 2016

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we are looking back at the great holiday music, movies, television episodes, and food of this great season. Enjoy

Day 13: "Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas!"

Original air date - December 18th, 1966

Opened Doors: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve

Sometimes there is something so popular, and for reasons one cannot explain, that thing will drive you insane. Ten years ago Justin Beiber was the big thing, and many people could not stand him. The same phenomenon is going on today with Taylor Swift. It is impossible to like anything from these pop culture sensations if you have invested so much of your heart in hating them. It does not matter if a large group of people like these things, your hatred is blind. The world you live in would be much better if someone took all of these songs and shoved them off of the highest mountain.

In 1966 Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas! became an instant holiday classic. The previous year saw the debut of A Charlie Brown Christmas and two years earlier was the premier of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The mid-1960s was the golden age for holiday television specials. Since 1966, Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas! has aired on television every year, winning its timeslot regularly. It has more than earned a spot as part of the holy trinity of must watch holiday specials.

For those living under a rock, the story centers around a lonely creature who has chosen to make residence directly above a group of people he hates. The Grinch is akin to a modern-day prepper. His cave is extremely well stocked with all the necessities. He has scissors, red cloth, a sleigh, anything a creature would need in the who apocalypse.

Yet even in his state of preparedness, The Grinch cannot stand the whos, he especially hates them around Christmas. The whos make an incredible racket, cook non-canned food stuff, and all blindly follow the brain dead joy of Christmas. The Grinch is on edge waiting for the end times, and his hate has become downright irrational. This year is the final straw, the Grinch is going to rob all the whos, and then they will know pain.

The Grinch succeeds in his thievery, but those weirdo whos still get up and have a festive Christmas. This breaks the Grinch's brain, and he decides his years of lonely prepping were pretty pointless. Not only does the Grinch get in the holiday spirit, but he learns that a freshly cooked roast beast is way better than a 10-year-old can of creamed corn. 

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas!  was not just a perfect adaptation of a classic book, it also had a great look and incredible music. Animation legend Chuck Jones gave the special its look, classic Hollywood Frankenstein Boris Karloff told the story, and awesomely voiced Thurl Ravenscroft sang the iconic song. Of all the great Holiday television specials, Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is the only one that is perfect.

It is a lonely existence to live in a world where one rejects what everyone else loves. There is no reason to fully embrace that piece of pop culture, but you should not totally dismiss it either. In all of the stuff you hate, there may be a shiny gem that made the journey worth while. If you will not give the popular thing a chance, then you are just a common hipster, or worse, a Grinch.

RD

RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He was a little under the weather today so he mustered up the strength of ten bloggers, plus two, to get the article written.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.

Seedsing Classic: Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 11 - "The Twilight Zone: The Night of the Meek"

ed note: This article originally premiered on December 11th, 2016

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we will present a new awesome holiday television program for every day of Advent. This is the greatest tv of the season. Enjoy.

Day 11: "The Twilight Zone - The Night of the Meek"

Original air date - December 23rd, 1960

Opened Doors: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten

Our lot in life helps determine our truest wish. Almost any good hearted person, rich or poor, will wish for kindness to all of their fellow citizens of earth. The wealthy will fulfill their wishes by giving to charity, donating their time, and finding other ways to enrich the poor. People who are at the bottom of the economic ladder will also want to help their fellow man, knowing that they are also part of this group that needs help. Some people who are very poor will be obsessed with helping their neighbors and do not have the means to achieve their wish. Many times these dreamers can only find their solace in the bottom of a bottle. If they, along with the rest of the meek, can not get at least one day of joy, then the dreamer can choose to weep or drink. Most of the time they drink.

In the second season of the influential television series, The Twilight Zone saw the first of the anthology series Christmas themed episodes. In "The Night of the Meek" Honeymooners actor Art Carney played the role of Henry Corwin. Narrator Rod Serling explains that Mr. Corwin is a normally unemployed man who once a year plays the role of Santa Claus at a local department store. Corwin starts the episode in a bar having finished six drinks and half a sandwich. When the bartender catches the department store Santa grabbing a bottle of booze, Corwin is kicked out into the snowy street on Christmas Eve. 

It was a good thing Corwin was kicked out of the bar, because he was an hour late to his job of being Santa at the department store. His boss, Mr. Dundee, is not pleased that his Santa is late and drunk as a skunk. Corwin can not even get through the first rotten child, terribly named Percival in the kids own mind, before he stumbles drunkenly out of his chair. Percival's obnoxious mother doubles her terribleness and tells off Mr. Dundee. With all the unpleasantness that just happened, Mr. Dundee fires Corwin's Santa and calls him a drunk. Corwin apologizes for his condition and explains to Mr. Dundee, and all the assembled children, that he has to drink or he will constantly weep. He is so saddened during the Christmas season to look around his tenement and see children who are hungry and have no toys to play with. Just once he would like to see the meek inherit the earth. Since that seems like an impossible dream, Henry Corwin must drink, or he will weep.

The audience witnessed Santa Corwin's weeping earlier when the poor children were asking for gifts, and for their daddies to have jobs. Knowing he has no choice to drink, Corwin heads back to the bar. The bartender will not let Corwin in because as he tells the other patrons, "Santa is a lush."

Left with nowhere to go, Corwin hears bells in the air and spots an old sack on the ground. He notices the sack is filled with presents and immediately goes out to search for the kids. Each kid asks for a particular gift, and Corwin delivers the exact wish. With his renewed holiday spirit, Santa Corwin heads to a church service at the mens shelter. After he insults Sister Florence with the promise of a new dress, Santa Corwin is giving all the poor men their exact wishes. A pipe, a cane, a sweater, a smoking jacket, all of it was magically coming out of Santa's bag. The meek were getting at least one day of joy.

The gift extravaganza ends when Sister Florence brings Officer Flaherty in to arrest Santa Corwin for theft. At the station Flaherty is joined by Mr. Dundee and the two men demand to know how and why Corwin robbed the department store. Santa Corwin is filled with joy as he explains that the bag just gives out the people's wishes. Mr. Dundee will not have it and starts berating Officer Flaherty while the store manager digs in the bag to only pull out empty cans and a confused cat. When Corwin asks Mr Dundee what his wish for Christmas is, the rude store manager says a vintage 1903 cherry brandy, that was a good year. Without fail, Santa Corwin produces the bottle and leaves to deliver more joy to the meek. 

In the end, one of Henry Corwin's fellow tenement dwellers remarks that there is nothing in the bag for Corwin. Santa Corwin responds he got the greatest gift of all, he was able to really be Santa for the night. With Corwin left alone, in pure and sober joy, he hears those bells again. As he goes to search out the sound, Corwin is presented with a reindeer-led sleigh and a joyful elf. The elf tells Santa that it is time to go and get ready for next year. Still confused, Santa Corwin gets in the sleigh and takes off towards the North Pole. Mr. Dundee, who is now drunk off of great cherry brandy, spots Corwin in the sky and offers cheers to Officer Flaherty for miracles on Christmas Day.

We all have our hopes and wishes around Christmas time. Those without want can usually fill their hearts with the spirit of the season by giving to any charity of their choice. The poor do not have this option. They see the want in kids and adults like and can only find solace in hard drink. They have their misery amplified by Christmas. But as mid-twentieth century philosopher Rod Serling says "There's a wondrous magic to Christmas and there's a special power reserved for little people. In short, there's nothing mightier than the meek."

RD

RD is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. Want to know about the plight of mall Santa? Check out the great Fountains of Wayne song, "The Man in the Santa Suit".

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.

SeedSing Classic: Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 9 - "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! - Koopa Klaus"

ed note: This article originally premiered on December 9th, 2016

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we will present a new awesome holiday television program for every day of Advent. This is the greatest tv of the season. Enjoy.

Day 9: "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! - Koopa Klaus"

Original air date - October 30th, 1989

Opened Doors: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight

One of the very best things about Christmas is getting a great present. During our shopping sprees, it is inevitable to find something that you want for yourself. The desire to get that one great present usually turns into an obsession. For the few weeks leading up to Christmas, we can start to get pretty self-centered about presents. We sometimes forget about all the good feelings experienced by giving other people joy around the holds. Our selfishness can make Christmas a downright icy time of the year.

In the late 1980's The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!  was there to capitalize on the sudden popularity of the Mario Bros. video games on Nintendo. Each episode started and ended with a live action adventure of Mario and Luigi with their celebrity friends in New York City. Cindi Lauper, Norman Fell, Vanna White, and many other late eighties luminaries stopped by the Mario Bothers plumbing shop. In between these live action segments was an unrelated cartoon adventure of Mario, Luigi, the Princess, and Toad in the Mushroom Kingdom. The crew was constantly thwarting the evil schemes of King Koopa and his coalition of animal like bad guys (ed note: The Mario games had not named the main bad guy Bowser yet, hence the title King Koopa).

On the day before Halloween in 1989, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! presented an animated adventure titled "Koopa Klaus". The episode starts with Mario and the crew trying to dig a tunnel to HawaiiLand. Due to Toad's terrible navigation, they end up in the North Pole of the Mushroom Kingdom. Before the heroes arrived in the snowy landscape, King Koopa froze Santa's workshop and took Father Christmas hostage. King Koopa hates Christmas for some reason and wants to destroy all the toys Santa will be delivering. Our heroes decide to visit Santa's workshop on suggestion by Toad.  He is obsessed with getting presents. The Princess decides to give Toad his present early in hopes that it calms her servant down. Upon getting his new snowboard, Toad selfishly goes off to play. He never even thanks the Princess for the thoughtful gift.

The joy of Toad and his new snowboard is short lived, because King Koopa spots the crew and decides to attack. Our heroes see that Santa is a captive in King Koopa’s sleigh, and they all decide to save the big guy. Toad agrees to help, but not for Santa’s safety, he wants to save the toys. At one point, a bob-omb hits Toad and knocks him off the snowboard. He is concerned about his new toy, and the Princess scolds him for being selfish and only thinking of himself. Mario and Luigi use some good old platform jumping, some cave chasing, and other assorted video game moves to get Santa away from King Koopa and save the day.

Saint Nick was safe, but Santa’s workshop was still frozen. Toad is beside himself because he fears there will never be any new toys for the little guy. He then feels ok because at least he got a new snowboard, who cares about anyone else. The Princess tells Toad that Christmas is a time to think of others. With the spirit of the season finally coming into focus for Toad, he gives the snowboard to Santa so at least one present will make it for a Christmas delivery. The kindness of Toad’s gift causes the ice to melt, and free Santa’s workshop. Christmas is saved in the Mushroom Kingdom, and as a reward the Mario crew got to spend the evening delivering presents to all the toads, toadettes, and maybe even a few goombas and koopas.

Getting a cool gift is awesome. What we should not forget is that the feeling we get from giving someone a cool gift is what Christmas should be about. We will spend a lot of time in shops, or on the internet, looking for some great gifts. In our searches, there will be something great that catches our heart’s desire. This is not the season to be selfish. The joy of Christmas will be felt when you give someone else their heart’s desire. If your lucky, you will get that gift so someone else can feel the true holiday spirit.

RD

RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of The X Millennial Man Podcast. He is still waiting for a game to feature the rad talking late eighties Link of The Legend of Zelda cartoon series.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.

SeedSing Classic: Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 7 - "The Late Show with David Letterman - December 19th, 2014 "

ed note: This article was originally published on December 7th, 2016

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we are looking back at the great holiday music, movies, television episodes, and food of this great season. Enjoy

Day 7: "The Late Show with David Letterman - December 19th 2014"

Original air date - it is right there in the title.

Opened Doors: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six

Every year around Christmas we listen to the same songs and watch the same television shows. We all have our traditions, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. These little bits of holiday pop culture sometimes get us into the right mood during a cold December night. These annual traditions help us look back to other pleasant times we experienced during the holiday season. There is a comfort in looking forward to that one thing that makes our holiday season extra special.

David Letterman once famously said that it is not the Christmas until he hears Darlene Love sing that song. The song in question is the new standard (Christmas) Baby Please Come Home. Vanity Fair has a great oral history of how Darlene Love ended up on Letterman for almost thirty years singing her iconic song. That first appearance in 1986 was simple, and without pomp, but a beloved holiday tradition was born.

The small band, and ugly holiday sweaters, had nothing on Phil Spector's iconic Wall of Sound, but Darlene Love still slayed with her vocals. Since that appearance, Darlene Love, Paul Shaffer, and David Letterman made (Christmas) Baby Please Come Home a fixture on Late Night, and then The Late Show. Only a writers strike would stop the trio from letting Letterman start Christmas. Many even believe that Love's Late Show appearances helped her finally, rightfully so, get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

On December 19th, 2014, Darlene Love performed (Christmas) Baby Please Come Home for the last time on The Late Show. In May of 2015, David Letterman retired from the late night game. Everyone knew that the December 19th performance was going to be the last, and nothing was held back. The four-piece backing band of 1986 was replaced by a horn section, strings, backup singers, and Paul Shaffer on a grand piano. Love even decided to belt out the last few lines on top of the piano because she was afraid of breaking down when Letterman came to give her a hug. The 2014 performance of (Christmas) Baby Please Come Home was an epic curtain call for a singer, a talk show host who was a fan, and the viewers that counted on Darlene Love to usher in the holidays every year on late night television.

Our holiday traditions are something to be celebrated. Listening to the same songs, or watching the same tv specials, is what makes December a great time. We all have that one special pop culture thing that gets us in the right Christmas mood. David Letterman had Darlene Love sing that song. We were truly lucky to share this tradition with Mr. Letterman.

RD

RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. The holidays do not start for him until he hears Linus and Lucy.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.

SeedSing's Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 6 - "The Wonder Years: Christmas"

ed note: This article originally premiered on December 6th, 2016

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we will present a new awesome holiday television program for every day of Advent. This is the greatest tv of the season. Enjoy.

Day 6: "The Wonder Years: Christmas"

Original air date, December 14th, 1988

Opened Doors: One, Two, Three, Four, Five

We all wanted that one perfect gift for Christmas. Many times that gift was made by Nintendo. In the mid-eighties there was the original NES, 2006 saw the Wii, and in 2016 we are all out desperately searching for the original NES once again. There was the Furby, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and Tickle Me Elmo that drove people crazy during past holiday shopping sprees. Sometimes we wanted that perfect gift to be a big purchase we have been holding off on. A new car, a big vacation, or even the latest and greatest in television technology could be the gift that makes that particular Christmas the most memorable ever. That big gift would consume much of our holiday spirit.

In 1988, "The Wonder Years" was early in it's second season. The show was coming off a Best Comedy series Emmy and was quickly being recognized as one of the must-watch shows on all of television. Baby boomers loved the nostalgia, and gen xers loved the characters. Kevin, Paul, Wayne, Jack, Norma, and of course Winnie Cooper were people we wanted to spend time with. The third episode of the second season was to be the first of many Christmas-themed stories.

"Christmas" starts off with Kevin, Wayne, and Norma marveling at the new color televisions on display at the local store. They have decided that for this Christmas, color tv is at the top of their wish list. Throughout the entire episode, the members of the Arnold clan find their own way to convince patriarch Jack that a color television would make this Christmas extra special. Jack acts in his normal sensible way, but at one point he even admits to wanting a color television. Is the price worth it, or even feasible, is what troubles Jack. Reality is not on display for the rest of the Arnold's, and the color television becomes the obsession for Christmas.

Kevin Arnold is not only entranced by the hope of color tv, he also is still pining for Winnie Cooper. While daydreaming of a moment with Winnie, she approaches Kevin to present the young man with a Christmas present. Her only wish is that Kevin wait until Christmas to open the gift. This moment drives the smitten younger Arnold to find a perfect gift for Winny. He and Paul end up at a mall so Kevin can find the right perfume for Miss Cooper. After many attempts, he settles for a simple snow globe. In Kevin;s mind, getting a gift is what really matters.

Like any good episode of "The Wonder Years", the third act reveals the folly of Kevin's thoughts. When delivering his gift to Winnie, Kevin learns her family has decided to suddenly leave town and not spend Christmas at home. In the pilot episode of "The Wonder Years", we learn that Winnie's brother Brian was killed in Vietnam. This was to be the Cooper's first Christmas at home without their son, and they decided to spend the holidays elsewhere. Later, Kevin catches up with his color tv obsessed family as the sing Christmas carols. In the middle of song, it starts to pour down rain on the Arnold clan. All the anxiety of the holidays washes away as Jack breaks out into uncontrollable laughter. The rest of the family joins the father, and Kevin realizes what real memories are made on Christmas. The best memories of the holidays come from being together and experiencing the unexpected. Wanting something does not make for Christmas magic, experiencing something does. We learn that the family did not get their color tv that year, but nobody cared. Winnie's gift to Kevin was a simple four leaf clover and the wish of luck in the upcoming year. This Christmas was memorable because of what was unexpected, and welcomed.

There is a very good chance that most of us will not get that new car, big vacation, or mini classic Nintendo this Christmas. Right now in early December we may hope for the unexpected, and unreasonable, to happen. Really though, chances are that the perfect gift we have in mind now will not appear on Christmas morning. The thing is that we will not remember this holiday season for  what we did not get. Something will happen, unexpectedly, that will put this Christmas into our own personal history books. We just have to let those events come to us.

RD

RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He is still interested in that mini NES. It would be an unexpected surprise to find one this holiday season.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.

SeedSing Classic: Advent Calendar of Awesome Holiday Television Programs: Day 3 - "Saved By the Bell: Home for Christmas Part 1 and 2"

ed note: This article was originally published on December 3rd, 2016

The pre-Christmas Day season of Advent is upon us. Here at SeedSing we love the chocolaty goodness of getting a piece of candy once a day until we get to open our presents. As our gift to you we will present a new awesome holiday television program for every day of Advent. This is the greatest tv of the season. Enjoy.

Day 3: "Saved By the Bell: Home for Christmas Part 1 and 2" Original air date, December 7th and 14th, 1991

Opened Doors: One, Two

Going to the mall during the holiday season has its ups and downs. It is always very crowded, people are downright rude, and there are cheesy Christmas activities going on everywhere. Santa is patiently attending to thousands of scared, or overly greedy, children every single weekend. All the stores are playing the same holiday standards you were sick of decades ago. Untrained, seasonal, workers slow down the cash registers at stores people only visit in December. And if you are lucky, there will be a half-assed holiday pageant or play going on near the food court. Nine times out of ten, this production is an extremely loose interpretation of the Charles Dickens classic "A Christmas Carol".

In the early 1990's, the gang from Bayside High taught the gen xers and millennials the important lessons of the late 20th century. Lessons like staying away from caffeine pills, be nice to the hot girl in a wheelchair, and should you use dope? Nope. The lesson on two Saturdays in December was about how homeless people are real. 

Home for Christmas was a two-part episode that took place entirely away from Bayside and The Max. Due to this geographic change, there is no Mr. Belding to be seen in this extended adventure. Instead we have the kids all hanging out at a local mall for a variety of reasons. Kelly is working at a mens store to make some extra money. Jessie assisting Santa as one of his elves. Slater is wrapping presents, very poorly. Zack and Screech are not being employed, but they are still hanging around because Zack's mom is getting ready to put on a mall production of "A Christmas Carol". Lisa is volunteering at a hospital, but she also finds plenty of time to get away and join the crew. Shenanigans were about to start.

The craziness gets started when Zack and Screech discover an extremely well put together homeless man shaving in the mall bathroom. Later, on a date with a girl he just met, Zack remarks unkindly about the homeless man. The new girl promptly storms out. The whole crew becomes obsessed with the encounter with the homeless man. The girl Zack pissed off also happens to work at the same store with Kelly. Storylines start to connect after Zack sees the new girl wolf down a basket of fries. She was eating like an animal, not a classy early 90's socal teenager. We learn that the homeless man and the girl are father and daughter. This Christmas was about get real in Bayside California.

The story progresses like any other good Saved By the Bell. The crew discover a problem, hijinks ensue, a lesson gets learned, and our new friends get a better shot in life. There is the Scrooge-like character of the mens shop owner, the bratty kid who kicks Jessie, and the women rightfully upset about Slaters bad gift wrapping job. All of these people exist in large quantities in the real world, but in the Saved By the Bell world we have the Bayside crew to make it all better. The Scrooge discovers the Christmas spirit, the gang learns a lesson, and the homeless people get to live in the Morris house until next episode. A true god bless us everyone. 

Even if you do all of your holiday shopping online, and you should, it is always fun to get out to the local mall. The people are usually terrible, the kids are brats, and there may be less desirable homeless people in the bathrooms, but the Holidays are alive and well in these retail wastelands. The malls are also filled with teenagers, and some of them may be well meaning. If they lack in empathy, maybe they will at least give you a terrible rendition of "A Christmas Carol". The memories of that awfulness will keep Christmas going all year.

Ed Note: These Holiday music article are meant to be fun. Having said that, this is the most important time of the year to help the homeless in your city. Your time and money is needed to assist your local homeless charities. Contact the United Way to find a charity in your city.

RD

RD Kulik is the Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He thinks if you are going to watch only one two-part Saved By the Bell that takes place in a mall, skip this one and watch the one where the crew buys U2 tickets.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing

Ty Watches "Fargo" Season Four

"Fargo" just wrapped up its fourth season, and boy was it a good one. I am proceeding with caution, as to, I do not want to spoil anything.

"Fargo" is a loaded show. It is a show where you need to give it your full attention. You cannot be on your phone, or in your own little world. You have to be laser focused when watching. This goes for all seasons of this show. If you zone out for as little as five minutes, you will miss something. That is one of the many reasons I have enjoyed the hell out of this show from day one. Sure, I had my reservations. The movie is a classic, come at me if you disagree. So I was a bit leery of a TV show. But when I saw it was going to be a serialized crime show, and that the Cohen Brothers gave it their blessing, that was all I needed to get on board.

Just like with other seasons, the fourth season takes place in a certain time, the end of 1950 to the beginning of 1951. The only difference from previous seasons, this one takes place in the midwest, in Kansas City. The other three seasons are in the North, mostly Minnesota. But changing the scenery did nothing to dampen the show. This season was just as brutal, just as involved, just as grimy and just as good as the other three seasons. In fact, I think it may be my second favorite season, behind only the first. This season was so well done. It weaved a great crime story. It told the story so well, and so effectively and so real. This season's violence, and how undignified mob violence can be, felt the most real to this point. There were so many shots in the back, or guns going off unexpectedly or no pomp and circumstance before being shot, like in big time action movies. When it was time for a certain character to die, they died. You know what I mean. In these big crime or action movies there always seems to be a monologue or something to stall the end game. That isn't real life, and this season of "Fargo" showed that very well.

I was super impressed with the acting in this season too. Chris Rock was the boss of the new family in town, and he really delivered. That dude can act when given the proper writing and direction. Jason Schwartzmann was really good. He was wild, but smart. He had some of the funniest moments, but he was also pretty crazy. Jessie Buckley, as the crazed nurse, was a revelation. I had never heard of her until now, but I will never forget her now. Ben Whishaw was so good and so understated, and he was probably the character I rooted for the most. Emryi Crutchfield was tremendous, and her role in this is going to lead to way bigger and way more fun roles. She was so awesome. Glynn Turman, Doctor Senator, was so great. He deserves to win every award he is going to be nominated for. He was wonderful. Rodney L Jones III, as Rock's youngest son, man was he excellent. He got to really stretch his legs as the series went on, and he shined. I mean, everyone in this season did a great, great job, just like the actors in prior seasons.

I am immensely impressed with this show. Where most shows would dip, or take some time off, look at the season of "Lost" with Bai Ling, or every season of "The Office" after Steve Carrell left, "Fargo" hasn't done that. Each season has its own charm and is so well made and written and acted. This show is a force, and I hope they continue. It was also nice to have this right now as a distraction from the world. I love this show, and I really, really liked this most recent season. Just do yourself a favor and watch it. In fact, watch all of "Fargo". It is more than worth your time.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" The Top Ten

Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.

Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.

Need to catch up? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

And now, enjoy the exciting conclusion of my rankings of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”.

#10: “Once Upon a Joe”

Original Air Date: October 1st, 1986

“I don’t know any kids’ stories.”

Shipwreck

In battle with Cobra to get the McGuffin Device, the Joes inadvertently destroy an orphanage. No orphans were destroyed, just their house.

While rebuilding the orphanage, Shipwreck gets roped into telling a few of the foundlings a story. His story is a fairytale featuring a few of the Joes, Shipshape (Shipwreck), Leatherhead (Leatherneck), Frogface (Wetsuit), and DaDuke (Duke). The story is imagined with a different looking animation style than the regular GI Joe shows. A few Cobra’s along with Scarlett and Cover Girl also make an appearance in Shipwreck’s story.

While Cobra, in the real world, is trying to get the McGuffin Device back, Leatherneck has to take over the story. He is terrible at telling stories. Shipwreck, out to check on something for Beachhead, is knocked out by Zartan, and the Cobra master of disguise makes himself up as the Joe Sailor. The kids find Zartan/Shipwreck and ask him to continue the story. Zartan/Shipwreck’s story is all about the bad guys winning. The kids are suspicious and venture out to find the real Shipwreck.

The kids succeed and real Shipwreck, in his underwear, uses the McGuffin Device. The characters from Shipwrecks story come into reality and defeat the Cobras. We learn that the McGuffin Device changes reality based on the mind of the user.

The orphanage gets rebuilt, and Shipwreck stays to give the story a happy ending.

 The Good:

An awesome Shipwreck episode. The episode is also kind of emotionally touching. The McGuffin Device, genius writing.

The Bad:

Shipwreck in his underwear around kids. Not a comfortable situation.

#9: “The Traitor”

Original Air Date: November 25th and 26th, 1985

“I may be hard up, but I’m no traitor.”

Dusty

This is an incredible two-part story about family, and heroism, centered on one of my favorite G.I. Joes ever.

The GI Joe team has a new armor treatment impervious to Cobra lasers. Cobra Commander wants this armor treatment, and he sends out the Crimson twins to find a way to get the formula.

At the same time, we learn Dusty’s mom is sick and her bills are piling up. Coincidently, Extensive Enterprises owns the debt of Dusty’s mom. They offer Dusty a trade; the armor treatment and they will forgive the debt. Dusty is against it at first, in fact he causes a redneck bar brawl when the Crimson Twins first offer him the deal, but he later agrees to give Cobra info on the Joe’s operations in exchange for money to pay down the debt.

After a few times of Cobra stopping the Joes, Duke tells Flint that Dusty is a traitor and the Joes are going to trap him. The trap plan goes south when Duke is knocked out and hospitalized and in a coma. Dusty is court-martialed, and on the way to prison when Cobra saves the fallen Joe.

To be continued.

Part two starts with Hector Ramirez of “Twenty Questions” recapping episode one. It is truly an incredible way to catch up the viewers

When the action picks up, Dusty is in a Cobra uniform working with the snakes. The former Joe fights and saves a Cobra soldier in a flooding arena of sport with piranhas. Dusty leads Cobra on a few missions to get chemicals for a mind control gas. Dusty also hands over the armor treatment to Cobra Commander.

During a mission where Dusty leads Cobra, Shipwreck, Lady Jaye, and Flint are captured, and Cobra Commander is going to have Dusty gas the prisoners with the mind control chemical. In a bit of reversal. Dusty gasses all the Cobras. Dusty is not a traitor. The Joes all escape.

In the end it is discovered that the armor treatment is not stable, Duke and Dusty came up with the traitor plan, only Duke and Dusty knew the plan, and Dusty’s mom is feeling much better thanks to the money the Joes swindled from Cobra.

 The Good:

An incredible story featuring Dusty, one of the greatest Joes. The plan is very well thought out.

The Bad:

Even with a well thought out plan, why were Dusty and Duke the only ones to know. A lot of anxiety from Joes, mainly Shipwreck, could have been saved if Duke trusted a few other high-level members of the team. Maybe tell Lady Jaye or Scarlett.

#8: “The Viper is Coming”

Original Air Date: October 24th, 1985

“Guess I won’t be needing that window cleaned.”

Barbeque

HOT TAKE ALERT: Yes, I can hear the screams of many G.I. Joe fans. “This episode should have been dead last”, you say. “The whole plot revolves around a terrible dad joke” the cries echo in my mind. Even the voice of Duke, Michael Bell, apologized to the fan base about this episode. I do not care, I absolute adore “The Viper is Coming”, and I can not doubt my own adoration.

The plot?

Barbeque is having a party at his new pad, a converted firehouse. A bunch of the Joes are dancing, rappelling, and playing basketball. The party is interrupted by a phone call. The mysterious caller calls himself the Viper, and he says he is coming. He also says five seventy-five.

The Joes are concerned. Scarlett deduces that five seventy-five must be coordinates and those coordinates bring the Joes to Antarctica. Once there, the team stumbles onto a Cobra Rec center with a gym, pool table room, cafeteria, swimming pool, and an entertainment lounge. A battle breaks out and the Joes take down the Cobra rec center.

The next day back at Barbeque’s pad, the Viper calls back. This time he says that he is coming Friday at the west corner. The Joes think Cobra is going to attack West Point. Once the team is at the United States Military Academy, Major Bludd does attack the graduating class of. The Joes, along with the cadets, turn away Major Bludd and his team.

The next day at Barbeque’s, and another call from the Viper. This time the Viper says he is coming tomorrow, top floor first. The Joes figure something is going down at the Extensive Enterprises building, since it is the tallest building in the world it has the highest top floor. Again, the Joes get into a battle with Cobra. The Crimson twins and Destro are frustrated that this “Viper” is making things rough for Cobra.

The next day at Barbeque’s pad, and the Joes have a huge team with tons of equipment surrounding the Joe fireman’s house. A small eastern European man with an accent approaches with a mop and bucket approaches. He says he is the viper, five seventy-five an hour, he will start on the west corner, top floor first. He is here to wipe the windows clean.

Barbeque can only sit and laugh.

 The Good:

A perfectly structured episode. Genuinely exciting and mysterious. Awesome to see the background world of Cobra.

The Bad:

I don’t know if the Joes always had the best teams for these missions. Barbeque in Antarctica? That doesn’t seem right.

#7: “The Rotten Egg”

Original Air Date: October 7th, 1986

“You made one mistake bucko. I may be older, but I’m better.”

Leatherneck

Leatherneck has been invited to give the commencement address at CEC. He is going to use his leave to be the guest of honor at this military academy, and he is going to stop by his beloved Paris Island to check out the batch of new marines that are graduating.

Once Leatherneck reaches CEC, he meets the Commandant. It is Buck McCann, a former high achieving marine recruit that Leatherneck threw out of the corps. It seems that McCann had great skills, but he was a lousy Marine when it came to discipline and respect. McCann is head of CEC; the Cobra Elite Corps. McCann is going to settle an old score with Leatherneck and use the CEC recruits to attack Paris Island.

The final exam McCann creates for the CEC cadets is to hunt down Leatherneck. During the hunt, Leatherneck schools the CEC kids, and even saves them Doesn’t matter, one of the cadets still knocks Leatherneck out.

The Joe marine has to escape so he can save Paris Island. In his hospital gown, Leatherneck starts to take out CEC cadets. The Joes at Paris Island see Leatherneck confront McCann, and Beachhead instructs everyone to let Leatherneck fight it out with his old enemy.

In the end Leatherneck beats McCann, and a member of the CEC rips the patch off his uniform symbolically turning away from Cobra.

 The Good:

A great story that tells us how people may turn to Cobra. Good soldiers with bad morals are what makes Cobra great. Awesome feature episode all about Leatherneck.

The Bad:

Why did Leatherneck, and nobody else on the Joe team, investigate what in the world is CEC?

#6: “Memories of Mara”

Original Air Date: November 15th, 1985

“And I’ve got this thing for mermaids.”

Shipwreck

This is the beginning of an epic story.

Out in the sea, the Joes are looking for the lost Navy submarine the USS Nerka. During the battle, Shipwreck spots a person in the water. The Joe sailor dives in and discovers this woman in the water has blue skin and is breathing through gills. Cobra wants this person back, but Shipwreck and Lady Jaye get her away.

We learn the gilled woman is named Mara. She was/is a member of Cobra and was part of an experiment to make amphibious soldiers. Unfortunately, the experiment made her only able to breath underwater. Mara is claiming ignorance on the Nerka, Lady Jaye does not believe her, Shipwreck does.

During a Cobra attack to get Mara back, Shipwreck takes her and escapes to an island. It is there that Shipwreck and Mara show their feelings for each other. Shipwreck also learns that Mara does know where the Nerka is located.

Mara tells the Joes the location, and then a rescue mission is greenlit. Mara, not in the water, saves the Nerka captain from torture, and Lady Jaye from a procedure that would give gills to one of our favorite Joes. The Nerka is saved, Shipwreck and Mara get away.

In the end, Mara kisses Shipwreck and swims out towards the horizon. Our favorite sailor just sits and waves while he smiles.

 The Good:

On its own, a great story. As part of larger story, this episode is must watch. A strong Shipwreck stories.

The Bad:

The first act is forgettable. The real action starts once Mara and Shipwreck are together.

#5: “The Most Dangerous Thing in the World”

Original Air Date: October 28th, 1986

"We got a saying in the Marines. The most dangerous thing in the world is a green officer in the dark with a book of matches.”

Leatherneck

Dr Mindbender has an incredible plan that would undermine the morale of the GI Joe team.

With General Hawk away, Dr Mindbender decides to infiltrate the Pentagon computer and promote three undeserving Joes to leadership roles. The three Joes chosen, Lifeline, Dial-tone, and Shipwreck. They are all promoted to Colonel, which is strange as Beachhead points out because Shipwreck cannot be a Colonel, he is not even in the army.

The three new Colonels are as bad as Dr. Mindbender thought they would be. The pacifist Lifeline takes weapons away, the dopey Dial-tone is changing things in the Joes computer systems, and the arrogant Shipwreck is throwing his rank around and upsetting his already in shock teammates.

Cobra has the Joes on the ropes, right until General Hawk parachutes out of a NATO jet and turns the tide. After the Joes turn away Cobra, barely, General Hawk says that these three joes were chosen to disrupt the team because Lifeline has the skill but not the will to lead, Dial-tone has the will but not the skill to lead, and Shipwreck has neither the will or the skill.

 The Good:

A very funny, and very informative, episode. The character work up to this point makes the whole story work. Prime commentary from Wetsuit and Leatherneck.

The Bad:

Ever since Dial-tone joined the team; he has been the subject of a bunch of abuse. I feel bad for the poor guy. He probably went to his men’s housing after this to eat some beans out of a can.

#4: “Nightmare Assault”

Original Air Date: October 29th, 1986

“What do you think of your cowardly son now, dad.”

Lowlight

The best episode of the second season of GI Joe.

Also, this episode premiered the day after “The Most Dangerous Thing in the World”. This part of season two was incredible. Onto the plot.

The Joes are having nightmares. The culprit of these nightmares? None other than Dr Mindbender and his newest invention. The Joes are losing sleep. They are becoming ineffective. Even great leaders like General Hawk are hesitating in battle.

The one Joe who knows about not sleeping, that would be Lowlight. The Joe sniper can function without sleep because he had a troubled childhood. His nightmares are about his father sending a scared boy out to kill rats.

The Joes decide to use Lowlight to lead the Joes through Dr Mindbender’s manufactured nightmares. Lowlight takes control of the dream, and defeats his childhood trauma, then is able to defeat Mindbender and his infernal machine.

In the end the Joes are saved, and Lowlight is having the first relaxing sleep he has had in a long time.

 The Good:

The imagery is trippy and fits the story perfectly. An awesome Mindbender invention, one that works, and a great personal story about Lowlight.

The Bad:

Lowlight is a creepy dude in this episode. Before this he was just an ass, but here he is damaged.

#3: “Worlds Without End”

Original Air Date: November 4th, and 5th, 1985

“Not another time. Another place. Another world.”

Flint

After a few close calls, Steeler is questioning if the battle between Joe and Cobra’s is even worth it. Nothing ever changes. The Joe tank commander is distraught.

Right now, the Joes and Cobra are fighting over the matter transmutter, a device with unknown applications. During a bottle on a bridge over a river, the matter transmutter goes off. The bridge disappears along with the Joe team of Flint, Lady Jaye, Footloose, Steeler, Clutch, Airtight, Grunt, and Barbeque. Also, the Cobra Moccasin pilot Copperhead seems to disappear with the Joes. We never hear from him the rest of the episode.

When the Joes wake up, they are not at the river, they are in a dry riverbed. Flint surmises that they fell asleep and many years have passed. As the Joes hike and look for answers, Steeler is bit by a strange pink bug. The Joe team also discovers that Cobra has taken over the world. They find the Joe HQ, and it is nearly empty, guarded by Cobra, and full of cobwebs. Once the Joes get into the base, they learn that most of the GI Joe team is either missing, or killed, in action.

Steeler is having a hard time with this.

The Joes split up to try and make sense of everything they have experienced. The different teams fix and use old Joe equipment. Flint, Barbeque, and Airtight go to Washington DC and learn that the Dreadnoks are cops. Those Dreadnoks cops are now chasing the Joes. Lady Jaye, Footloose, and Clutch are in old Sky Hawks, and they see Cobra has changed all the recognizable US monuments. Mt Rushmore, it now has Cobra Commander and Destro. The Lincoln Memorial, it is now the Cobra Commander Memorial. The White House, US Capitol Building, and the Washington Monument, they are all solid gold now. It is here that the Joes realize that time has not moved forward, but that they have travelled to another dimension. Also, the Baroness recognizes and wants to see Steeler.

To be continued.

In part two, the Flint, Barbeque, and Airtight team escape the Dreadnoks, but are eventually captured by Zartan. Lady Jaye, Footloose, and Clutch in the Sky Hawks get caught by an energy net from the golden Washington Monument.

Meanwhile, Grunt and Steeler are at the old Joe HQ, then suddenly Steeler in his sickness delirium stumbles upon skeletons of old dead Joes. The skeletons he sees are those of Grunt, Clutch, and himself. Steeler is understandably freaked out. A Cobra lady soldier finds Grunt and Steeler and asks them to come with her.

Next, we see the two Joes, Steeler is feeling better and Grunt is explaining to his friend that the Baroness of this reality was romantic with Steeler and she is secretly part of an anti-Cobra resistance. After a tough conversation with the Baroness about her Steeler being dead, the two Joes hatch a plan with the Baroness.

The other two Joe teams are part of a typical Cobra torture/entertainment scheme. Through some ingenuity the two teams escape to meet up with Steeler, Clutch, and the Baroness. The Baroness hatches a plan start a Cobra civil war between Destro and Cobra Commander. With her plan working, the Joes go back to the point the crossed dimensions.

Before the portal closes, Clutch, Grunt, and Steeler decide they are going to stay in this alternate reality to help the Baroness fight Cobra. Steeler has learned why being a Joe, and fighting Cobra, is so important.

We never see Clutch, Grunt, or Steeler in the rest of the cartoon serious. That is truly awesome writing.

The Good:

An incredible story that shows why the Joe fight against Cobra is so important. The journey that Steeler takes is trippy, and emotional. Knowing that Clutch, Grunt, and Steeler are leaving behind everything to fight Cobra is truly touching.

The Bad:

The animation is great, and scary, for a young pre-teen boy. Steeler is not the best character to go on this journey with.

#2: “There’s No Place Like Springfield”

Original Air Date: December 12th and 13th, 1985

“Looks like a dozen of other towns I know.”

Shipwreck

The end of an era for GI Joe. This is the last story we will see until the show expands and changes with “Arise, Serpentor, Arise”, and oh boy what a way to go out.

From the very beginning you could tell this two-parter was going to be something special. Shipwreck, Polly, and Lady Jaye are trying escort a ragged scientist off of an island. Actually, Lady Jaye is carrying the good Dr Mulaney while Shipwreck and Polly take up the rear.

The doctor was a prisoner of Cobra and he was tasked with making a chemical that can turn ordinary water into a bomb. Fearing he will not make it, Dr Mulaney implants the formula into Shipwrecks brain and whispers a code word to Lady Jaye. The code word will cause Shipwreck to reveal the formula.

On the way back to the Flagg, Shipwreck the Joes are attacked by Cobra. Shipwreck’s Sharc is sinking fast while the Flagg looks to be in trouble.

Commercial Break.

After the commercial, Shipwreck wakes up in hospital some indeterminate time later. His hair and face are grey, and he is greeted by his wife Mara and his kid Althea. The last time Shipwreck remembered seeing Mara was back in “Memories of Mara”, when she swam away because she could only breath underwater. It seems that Shipwreck has amnesia and does not remember Doc curing Mara, Shipwreck taking out Cobra Commander, the Joes finally defeating the snakes, he and Mara get married, and they have a daughter, and they move to the non-descript town of Springfield. Shipwreck does not remember any of it.

Once Shipwreck gets home, still confused, Mara recommends he take a nap. During his nap, the Joe sailor dreams of going into a car wash and having Cobra Commander, and other members of the now gone organization, asking forcefully for Mulaney’s formula. Shipwreck is confused and quite scared.

Trying to remember his new life, Shipwreck tries to get back to what is supposed to be normal. He sees that Scarlett and Duke are together, he owns a business with Deep Six and Torpedo. He insults Flint by referencing Lady Jaye. After his insult, Shipwreck learns that Lady Jaye died the night his Sharc went down.

Shipwreck is emotionally destroyed. To make matters worse, he keeps dreaming of Cobra asking for Mulaney’s formula. He finally gets into a trap at the car wash where his old Joe friends attack the old sailor. As Shipwreck hits each one, the Joe dissolves into grey goo. Shipwreck is screaming in agony.

To Be Continued.

In part two we start to learn what is actually going on. Shipwreck asks Mara to send him back to the hospital, where Shipwreck is drugged with spiked milk. The Crimson Twins use cadet Demming to interrogate Shipwreck by using a mind probing type device. Things start getting intense in the interrogation. When Doc objects to the Crimson Twins plan, they destroy him because he is a synthoid. All the Joes in Springfield are synthoids, including Polly.

The real Polly ends finds Shipwreck, destroys synthoid Polly and helps Shipwreck realize that he is a prisoner of Cobra. Polly also overheard the code word for Mulaney’s formula, and uses it to activate the formula in his sailor friend’s brain. Shipwreck creates the chemical, drops it into Springfield’s water supply, and thanks to a stupid Dreadnoks who shoots at Shipwreck, all the water in Springfield’s pipes starts to explode.

The Joes, including a very alive Lady Jaye, on the USS Flagg see the explosion and know where Cobra is keeping Shipwreck. The Joes attack, a battle ensues, yet before he goes, Shipwreck needs to save his wife and kid.

Predictable, and still sad, Shipwreck sees that Mara and Althea are synthoids and part of Cobra’s ploy. The story ends with Shipwreck with tears in his eyes, and ready to get back to the Joes.

Amazing.

The Good:

The first episode is so well done setting up the world of GI Joe after Cobra, and the reveal that all is not as it seems. The second part is action packed, sad, and has great closure on an awesome season of GI Joe.

The Bad:

This is very nitpicking, but I have to say something. Why in the world did Shipwreck not notice the dye in his hair and in his beard earlier? Does the man never shower?

#1: “Cold Slither”

Original Air Date: December 2nd, 1985

“Long live Cobra. Cold Slither forever”

The crowd at the Sports Arena

If you wanted to explain the greatness of “GI Joe: A Real American Hero” what would you highlight? The teamwork, and diversity, of the Joe team. Check. The inventive genius of Destro. Check. The awesomeness of Shipwreck. Check. The need of the Baroness to highlight her relationship to Destro. Check. The business acumen of the Crimson Twins. Check. The greed and laziness of the Dreadnoks. Check. The boldness of Cobra Commander to go incognito by wearing sunglasses over his mirrored face. Check plus.

Welcome to “Cold Slither” the greatest episode of the 1980’s GI Joe cartoon series.

The first act is all about Cobra going broke. Cobra troopers are in line for unemployment, and Extensive Enterprises are trying to recoup their losses by selling Cobra equipment to any would be dictator. In order to get back on top, Cobra Commander goes to get a high interest loan from a low level criminal who has a problem using the correct words (a great bit of double voice duty from Neil Ross, the voice of Shipwreck). With the money, Cobra Commander is going to use a new subliminal message technology developed by Destro to create a song that will enslave the populace.

The band and song “Cold Slither” are born. George Landsburg, the director from “Lights, Camera, Joes” is back to make a music video with Zartan and the Dreadnoks being the visual representation of the band.

The song is a hit. Cobra is making some money, and Extensive Enterprises is ready to be back in business with Cobra Commander. The kids in school love Cold Slither. The Joes are getting complacence with no Cobra, and “Cold Slither” is entertaining a few of the troops while they waste the days away. Shipwreck, Footloose, and Breaker, are into the music, and Duke does not understand this music the kids like today. When Cobra decides to activate the subliminal messages and demand everyone go to a concert at the Sports Arena, Shipwreck, Footloose, and Breaker decide to go AWOL. Shipwreck even pulls out his toy issue percussion pistol.

Duke is not happy with the AWOL Joes. Scarlett has a plan to bring everyone back and thwart Cobra’s comeback plan.

At the concert, the Dreadnoks are playing “Cold Slither” again and again. The sold-out crowd seems ok with it. The Dreadnoks are getting tired and leave Zartan on the stage alone. In their dressing room, the Dreadnoks have three comely lady groupies. Surprise, the groupies are Scarlett, Cover Girl, and Lady Jaye. They easily dispatch of the idiotic Zartan cronies. The girls make it all the way to the control room and get the Cobra high command to retreat. Duke thinks the subliminal machine may help the Joes with discipline around the base. Scarlett disagrees and destroys the world altering machine.

Once the concert goers come to, they all realize they are at a concert and they want music. The big show ends with the Average Joe Band. Breaker on keyboards, Shipwreck on drums, Lady Jaye, Scarlett, and Cover Girl on backing vocals, and Duke, Footloose and Rock and Roll on guitars. The band plays an awesomely stylized version of the shows theme song. End on the American flag.

Yo freaking Joe.

 The Good:

A perfect episode of GI Joe. Nearly every character from the Joes and Cobra is used in one short episode and all the characters are well thought out, the story highlights the motivations of each team, and no second was wasted. This is the episode you use to introduce someone to the greatness of “GI Joe: A Real American Hero.” Add in the PSA with Deep Sick sneaking up on the kid in the pond, and I guarantee you will have a new fan of GI Joe.

The Bad:

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. (except for one weird animation goof on Shipwreck’s beard when they are at the Sports Arena for the concert).

There you have it, the definitive rankings of all episodes of the classic cartoon series “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. This was tons of fun to write, and I hope brings some debate in your minds on what I ranked right, and what I ranked wrong. The most important thing I wanted to depart was knowledge about the greatest military toy commercial to ever air. And as the saying goes

Now you know.

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

Come and support us and the podcast on Patreon.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.  

Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" Gamesmasters, Synthoids, and Pyramids of Darkness

Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.

Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.

Need to catch up? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Today I present part four of my countdown of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Enjoy.

#27: “The Gamesmaster”

Original Air Date: October 21st, 1985

“Watch this Coco, it’s a real ho ho.”

The Gamesmaster

The first, and last time we ever meet the Gamesmaster.

A weird fellow with a strange clown capture Flint, Lady Jaye, the Baroness, and Cobra Commander. Lady Jaye is captured while she is a dressing room presumably getting undressed, and the Baroness is in a bikini. The Baroness stays in the bikini the rest of the episode. The four are transported to a strange toy land like island to play a game for their host. All the toys are actual weapons, and the goal of the game is to be the last one alive.

Outside of the Gamesmaster island, the Joes and Destro learn they need to work together to save their respective comrades. The four captives, mainly Cobra Commander, keep trying to get one over on the other team. With the forces of the Joes and Cobra working to save their friends, The Gamesmaster is defeated.

 The Good:

A weird episode in a good way. Awesome Flint and Cobra Commander character development.

The Bad:

The last time we see the Gamesmaster. We could use more of the common Joe and Cobra antagonist.

#26: “In the Presence of Mine Enemies”

Original Air Date: November 19th, 1986

“Let me guess, that’s what went wrong.”

Slipstream referring to a monster

An episode all about the adventures of the Conquest pilot Slipstream.

The Joe fighter jet pilot is recording a tape with Cobra’s missile code on it, and then he gets into a dogfight with a few Firebats and Night Ravens. With one Night Raven left, Slipstream gets shot down. The lady Cobra Night Raven pilot tries to finish Slipstream, but unfortunately, she gets stuck on an island that Dr Mindbender is trying to destroy with BATs.

Why destroys the island?

Well, there is a genetic Cobra monster living there.

Many a back and forth between Slipstream and the Cobra pilot, yet in the end they work together to escape the exploding island. The two pilots get on a Tomahawk. When Lifeline asks Slipstream if the Cobra pilot is a recruit or prisoner, the Night Raven pilot tears off her Cobra patch and throws it into the ocean.

 The Good:

Slipstream is optimistic, resourceful, and heroic. The marks of a good Joe. Awesome backstory with the Cobra Night Raven pilot.

The Bad:

Honestly a great episode. Not many other Joes and Cobras is the one mark against it.

#25: “Lights, Camera, Cobra”

Original Air Date: October 1oth, 1985

“Duke wanted all the oddballs out of his hair for a few weeks.”

Shipwreck

The show starts out with a classic Joe vs Cobra battle, yet something is not right. The look and voices are not quite what we are used to see. Lo and behold this is the set of a movie all about GI Joe.

Movie Director George Landsburg, a first appearance of a recurring character, wants real action with real equipment. A few Joes get sent to the set to act as advisers. Cover Girl is sent out to babysit a few shady Joes like Shipwreck, Recondo, and Dusty. Shipwreck gets in a bar fight where he and Cover Girl get arrested. Recondo and Dusty get caught out in the dessert because they get into a racing contest with Zartan, who the Joes think is an actor with a big mouth.

In the end the Joes trick Cobra into a real battle, and the director gets the real action he wanted.

At the premier, George Landsberg thanks the people most instrumental in the film’s success, his parents. Shipwreck, in his tux, is pissed and is going to “murderlize” the director.

 The Good:

A lighthearted episode with good character work and world building.

The Bad:

A whole lot of stupidity from Cobra and the Joes in this episode

#24: “Where the Reptiles Roam”

Original Air Date: October 18th, 1985

“I should have known she was no real Texas peach. She was too sweet. Everyone knows we grow our peaches sassy.”

Wild Bill

Cobra has a dude ranch in Texas, and the Joes need to find out why. Lady Jaye, Wild Bill, Bazooka, and Alpine go undercover as the Austins. The family in charge of the dude ranch, the Joads, seem friendly enough, especially their daughter Mary Bell who takes a shine to Wild Bill.

The Joads are actually a bunch of Cobras, and they are wreaking havoc with the undercover Joes. Crazy bulls attack Bazooka and Alpine, a burr in the saddle for a horse that Lady Jaye is riding, things are crazy for the Joes.

While all these shenanigans are going on, Cobra gets control of a local solar farm that they use to create a heat wave weapon. The weapon stops all Joe vehicles, so the team attacks the dude ranch on foot. Wild Bill finds out his new belle is actually the Baroness. The Cobras escape and the Joes stop Cobras weapon.

 The Good:

A Wild Bill focused episode. Great, and humorous, action.

The Bad:

Another episode with a bunch of Joes making stupid decisions.

#23: “Eau De Cobra”

Original Air Date: November 6th, 1985

“No Flint you have made a mistake for even you are not immune to Eau De Cobra.”

The Baroness

Cobra steals a tablet from the British Museum and send Firefly to steal a plant (jackal’s bane) from Antarctica. The Joes figure out that Cobra is creating a love potion. When they ask tabloid reader Short Fuze who is the world’s most eligible bachelor, he replies that it is shipping magnate Socrates Airtes. Makes sense.

Flint and Lady Jaye attend a party on Airtes yacht, and the Baroness happens to be there to seduce the rich man. She uses Eau De Cobra, and the rich man is smitten. When caught, the Baroness uses the perfume on Flint. He falls for the Baroness, and Destro is quite jealous.

Fights happen, the perfume bottle falls into the ocean, Joes and Cobras fight underwater, and a crab runs away with the perfume bottle. Up top, the Baroness escapes, and Socrates Airtes pledges to remain single.

 The Good:

A fun adventure with good character work concerning the relationships of Flint and Lady Jaye and Destro and the Baroness.

The Bad:

Destro’s jealousy really screwed this up for Cobra.

#22: “Hearts and Cannons”

Original Air Date: November 14th, 1985

“There she is. The chick.”

Footloose

HOT TAKE ALERT: A few words on the sexism in this episode. It was 1985 and I was ten years old when I fist saw “Hearts and Cannons. I remember it for being fun and having Dusty in it. As an adult I watched it and thought to myself, gee Dusty and Footloose sure are sexists.

The truth is, I think the mild sexism from Dusty and Footloose is meant to show how outdated their thinking is. Dr Winters is accomplished, does not take crap, and never falls in with one of the Joes. I think this kids cartoon in 1985 was more progressive in handling accomplished women than most so called prestige shows of the modern era.

On to the plot.

Cobra is causing havoc in a desert nation. Footloose, Dusty, and a mauler tank have to bail out of a Joe cargo plane into the desert. Footloose and Dusty land near a Cobra weapons testing area with Destro working on a plasma cannon with a Dr Winters. The two Joes save Dr Winters, first name Nancy, and try to get away. The two Joes also argue about who Nancy fancies the most.

After some misadventures in a mine field and across the dessert, Footloose and Dr Winters get caught and Dusty is lost in the dessert. The person who catches Footloose and Dr Winters, Jamal, is a man angry at Cobra and he has the mauler.

Dr Winters knows how to defeat the Cobra plasma cannon. Footloose, Dr. Winters and Jamal find Dusty. The two Joes, along with the mauler, defeat the plasma cannon. Cobra retreats.

Later that night, Dusty and Footloose learn that Jamal is the king of these lands. He gives the two Joes medals, and then invites Dr Winter to tour his palace. Dusty and Footloose loose Nancy to King Jamal.

 The Good:

An episode that features the laid back (stoner) attitude of Footloose, and the cocksure heroic attitude of Dusty.

The Bad:

Some people may say the sexism from the two Joes. I say not. If I had to say anyhting bad, I would say that Destro seems hell bent on killing his own troops. That is out of character for our metal faced villian.

 #21: “Cobra’s Candidate”

Original Air Date: October 11th, 1985

“With you on our side Mr. Harper, we can simply make Cobra’s goals into laws.”

Cobra Commander

A note on the episode. Some stories carry more weight because of personal reasons. My personal reasons is why I rate “Cobra’s Candidate” so high. I have worked in local politics most of my adult life. I know these types of political races. With this being said, the episode is a great Cobra plan and a great episode.  

There is a small municipal election going on with candidate Robert Harper being attacked by gangs from his political rival. The reality is that Harper is secretly with Cobra. They are making him into the martyr so he will get votes. The gang does not know this.

Lady Jaye and Scarlett try to convince the gang leader, Pilar, that the Joes are trying to help. After a few battles, and a nearly killed brother, Pilar believes the Joes. Harper is found out, and dramatically loses the election. He got two votes. One from Tomax and one from Xamot.

 The Good:

Great misdirection through the episode. This is a solid Cobra plan, trust me.

The Bad:

The gang story is featured more than it should be. It is kind of a boring.

#20: “Lasers in the Night”

Original Air Date: October 22nd, 1985

“Say, you’re my kind of girl. Where did you learn those moves?”

Quick Kick

Quick Kick gets a girlfriend.

In the beginning we meet two college girls, Amber and Sandy. Sandy is boy crazy, but Amber just wants to help people.

At a G.I. Joe sponsored martial arts show, Amber and Quick Kick meet and fall for each other. They go to the baseball game and the ballet, but Amber wants more. She wants to join G.I. Joe.

During a tour of the Joe headquarters, Amber hears a bunch of things. At the same time, Cobra has captured Lady Jaye and the Baroness is impersonating the Joe leader. Things go south for the Joes, and Duke thinks Amber may be a spy. At the same time, Amber is trying to infiltrate the Cobra island base on her own to prove she is not a spy. Quick Kick goes to capture Amber, finds out she is not the bad guy, and fights alongside Amber and the Joes to stop Cobra Commander’s nefarious plan.

What was that super evil plan? Cobra Commander is using a laser to carve his face into the moon.

 The Good:

One of the greatest, and stupidest, Cobra Commander plans ever. Awesome personal story for Quick Kick.

The Bad:

Again, this is a stupid plan by Cobra Commander. Amber is never seen again.

#19: “The Million Dollar Medic”

Original Air Date: October 2nd, 1986

“Bri, I’m a medic. My job is healing.”

Lifeline

HOT TAKE ALERT: Lifeline is one of the best characters in the second season of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”, and this episode proves it. Before I started this project, I was not looking forward to the Lifeline episodes. I remembered him as being whiney and a wimp. That is not true. Throughout the second season the development of Lifeline is well thought out and I will stand up for the Joe pacifist everyday of the week and twice on Sundays.

This episode shows why Lifeline belongs on the GI Joe team. The pacifist medic spends the whole episode trying to heal, not fight.

During a Cobra attack on a factory and yacht in the Bahamas Lifeline saves Bri Van Mark, an heiress to a fortune. Bri is smitten with Lifeline. She buys him a fancy uniform, a special swiss army knife, and a solid gold chopper.

The problem is that Cobra wants Bri’s father to sell his business to Cobra. Van Mark industries has a division that makes weapons. Cobra is going after Bri to kidnap the heiress.

After many adventures, one in which Bri kidnaps Lifeline, the Joes stop Cobra’s assault. The episode ends with Bri and Lifeline kissing on the battlefield.

 The Good:

This is the episode that shows why Lifeline is here. He may not carry a gun, but he is one smart, and compassionate, Joe. He is heroic. Also, Bri is a great character.

The Bad:

Bri does not think things through. She causes a whole lot of damage. We also never see her again.

#18: “Excalibur”

Original Air Date: November 1st, 1985

“That sword, it’s invincible. I must have it”

Destro

The Joes are in England. We know this because we see Big Ben and the white cliffs of Dover.

The Joes have some equipment that will make an anti-Cobra satellite system. A fight ensues, and the Cobra Ninja Storm Shadow crashes into a lake. This lake happens to be home to the Lady of the Lake, and she is guarding the legendary sword Excalibur. Storm Shadow takes the sword, and the local weather starts going haywire. A local man, named Beemish by the way, tells the Joes that the weather is crazy because someone has taken the sword Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake.

While Storm Shadow is ripping through the English countryside with Excalibur, Destro gets jealous of the Cobra Ninja’s sword. Footloose is doing good work for the Joes, but he gets captured. The English town gets flooded due to Destro’s cold and wandering mind. There is a big fight at the Cobra HQ featuring Storm Shadow, Spirit, and Quick Kick.

In the end, Spirit’s eagle Freedom gets a hold of Excalibur and returns it to the Lady of the Lake. The weather breaks and the Joes send Cobra running. The Joes also save a cat and help rebuild the flooded village.

 The Good:

A really cool story and one of the few episodes that heavily features Storm Shadow.

The Bad:

There is some unsettling action with Quick Kick thinking Spirit has native American “spiritual” powers.

#17: “Skeletons in the Closet”

Original Air Date: December 11th, 1985

“Where have I seen that face before?”

Lady Jaye

The episode that makes cannon that Lady Jaye and Destro are related.

The action starts out with Destro saving a lady Cobra soldier, and the Baroness is not happy with her beau flirting with another woman. Later, Destro is saved by a mysterious woman. He dines with this mystery lady and claims that the Baroness is a confused woman who he is not attached to.

Over to the Joe part of the story, Lady Jaye learns that she has inherited a family castle in Scotland.   The castle first seems haunted, then we find out a cult is hanging out in the basement. Lady Jaye goes to investigate and gets caught by the cult. The cult is going to sacrifice Lady Jaye to a beast in the well. One of the cultists stop the sacrifice, and we learn that Destro is here because it is his family’s castle.

Flint shows up to save Lady Jaye. There is fights with cultist, a fight with a giant spider, and the Joes come to rescue their comrades. The castle is destroyed. Destro learns that the mysterious woman is the Baroness, who is upset that Destro dismissed her earlier.

In the end, we see the beast under the wreckage of the castle. We will return to the beast later.

 The Good:

Great world building, plus the cliffhanger at the end is payed off. Also, Lady Jaye was a revelation to me and all young men watching this cartoon. Beautiful and deadly.

The Bad:

Why did we not explore the family connection between Lady Jaye and Destro more in the future. A great plot point we never went back to.

#16: “Twenty Questions”

Original Air Date: October 2nd, 1985

“I wonder if there is an Emmy in this for me?”

Hector Ramirez

The introduction of television personality Hector Ramirez, the host of “20 Questions”.

Hector and his crew are doing an expose on the GI Joe team. One member of Hector’s entourage seems to think GI Joe is a waste of taxpayer money and Cobra is a hoax. Shipwreck is getting annoyed with the crew and decides to show them that Cobra is real. He takes them all in a Dragonfly to a Cobra base.

Things go south when they are shot down and caught. Also, the member of the crew who is questioned G.I. Joe, that person turns out to be the Baroness.

Cobra Commander is intrigued by Hector’s show and agrees to be interviewed. With the distraction, Shipwreck plans an escape. On the way out a bunch of itching and laughing gas is set off. The hysterical Joes and “20 Questions” crew escape to find the rescuing Joe team.

Hector is so happy, and affected by laughing gas, that he professes his love of G.I. Joe and kisses Duke.

 The Good:

Hector Ramirez is one of the greatest minor reoccurring characters. The Cobra Commander self-love is awesome.

The Bad:

How in the world is Shipwreck not court martialed and in prison for this?

#15: “Cobrathon”

Original Air Date: October 6th, 1986

“A tele-thon, a Cobra-thon to be exact.”

The Crimson Twins

Cobra has a computer virus that will blow up the main computers at all the major law enforcement agencies around the world. During a mission to find out Cobra’s plan, Lifeline and Sci-Fi are captured.

Cobra decides to use the computer virus to hold a tele-thon for the world’s criminals so the snakes can raise $5 billion dollars. The Baroness is hosting in a lovely long black sequined dress. Destro tries with the bad jokes and gets so mad at the terribleness of the writing that he shoots the cue cards. Mindbender has dressed up in a tux, but he still has his signature cape. Lifeline and Sci-Fi are used as entertainment in a series of gambling like games that are life threatening.

The Joes figure out by the types of games, that the Cobrathon is in Reno Nevada. While a Joe team led by Flint save Lifeline and Sci-Fi, another Joe team led by Mainframe stops the computer virus.

By the way, the Cobrathon still does hit the $5 billion dollar goal.

 The Good:

Very tense and action-packed episode. The Cobra’s trying to entertain is priceless entertainment.

The Bad:

Cobra Commander is relegated to a non-speaking background role as a person answering phones. I wanted to see a tuxedo Commander doing a lounge singer act.

#14: “Raise the Flagg”

Original Air Date: October 20th, 1986

“The name’s BA Lakar to you.”

BA Lakar

Cobra is working in the ocean around the wreckage of the USS and Flagg and the Cobra Heli-Carrier. The two giant ships sank back in the episode “Computer Complications. Cobra wants the anti-matter pod in the wreckage.

Going into the deep ocean, Roadblock, Leatherneck, and Wetsuit reach the wreckage along with Zartan and his siblings Zarana and Zandar. On the wreckage, the two enemy teams discover growing vegetation and the sultry sounds of the Cobra hit music single “Cold Slither”. The Joe and Cobra squads are then ambushed by a group of BATs that are led by BA Lakar, the last surviving member of Cobra.

Lakar sank with the ship(s) and assumed Cobra was defeated. He is crazy. He makes his prisoners work and he tries to execute a few. Roadblock convinces Zartan that the two enemies have to work together to survive.

A battle breaks out on the ocean surface between the Joes and Cobra. The battle has damaged the sunken vessels and they are about to be destroyed. A well-placed hit on the head for BA Lakar has made the old crazy Cobra cook come to his sense. Roadblock’s team along with Zartan’s team use the antimatter pod to power the Cobra Heli-Carrier engines to raise the USS Flagg to the surface.

Once out of the water, Zartan and crew try to double cross the Joes to steal the anti-matter pod. Unfortunately, the fast rise out of the pressure filled depths of the ocean has given Zartan, Zarana, Zandar, Roadblock, Leatherneck, Wetsuit, and BA Lakar the bends. The Cobra’s painfully escape, and the Joes along with Lakar go into a decompression chamber.

General Hawk gladly accepts Lakar into the ranks of the Joes as Leatherneck and Wetsuit fight over a game of cards.

 The Good:

Love the continuity in the episode. The world of BA Lakar is well thought out.

The Bad:

Outside of Wetsuit, who is really qualified for this mission. The Joes have plenty of deep sea/ocean dudes, and Lady Jaye, and Cobra has the Baroness with diving experience. This was not the right crew for either team.

#13: “The Synthoid Conspiracy”

Original Air Date: October 7th, 1985

“Synthoids, worship me.”

Cobra Commander

A two-parter that has huge implications to a classic episode later in the run.

Zartan has developed a technology that lets Cobra create copies of people out of a gray substance. These copies are called synthoids. Cobra uses a GI Joe training mission to replace many of America’s high military command.

With the synthoids in command, GI Joe starts to get defunded by the US government. Also, Duke has been captured by Cobra and replaced by a synthoid. A few Joes rebel, which leads to Quick Kick being imprisoned, and Junkyard going AWOL with Mutt.

To be continued.

In part two, the Joes are in a state of confusion. Thankfully Destro is here to help. He is mad about Zartan creating a Destro synthoid and he wants revenge. The Joes no know about Cobra’s deception.

In an attack on the Cobra base, Scarlett gets wise to the synthoid Duke. After a big battle, synthoid Duke and real Duke fight it out. Cobra Commander accidently melts all the synthoids, including the imposters in the US Military.

The G.I. Joe team gets a triumphant reinstatement ceremony form a thankful US government.

 The Good:

This is the best Cobra plan ever. It would have been perfect if…

The Bad:

… Cobra’s own, Destro, did not ruin the plan. Why does Cobra have a problem being a well-functioning team? 

#12: “Grey Hairs and Growing Pains”

Original Air Date: October 14th, 1986

“I don’t know, there is something strange about this place Flint.”

Gung-Ho

Sparks is back.

Cobra steals a youth treatment from skin care magnate Madame Versaille. Soon, many social influencers are using the youth treatment.

The Joes ask their old teammate Sparks, who has left the military and is working in Hollywood, about who is behind the treatment and who uses is. It seems that Extensive Enterprises is the money behind the madness. Their product, it is called Ageless Care. The Joes are going to get to the bottom of this.

After being turned away by celebrities, via rampaging elephants and angry football players, the Joes make their way to the Ageless Care facility in Southern California. Lady Jaye, Mainframe, and Dial-Tone head to the Steam Room. Flint, Gung-Ho, and Sci-Fi go to the Sunroom.

Unfortunately, Cobra knows that their visitors are Joes, so they trap them. The Sunroom makes all the Joes old; the Steam Room makes them all kids. Also during an escape, a young Lady Jaye gets her pants blown off.

The elderly and kid joes try to figure out a way to reverse the aging process. One of the celebs who Cobra double crossed helps the out of age Joes. They find the Cobra Ageless Care base. A battle breaks out, Zarana spots a kid Mainframe and helps him because of her feelings back from “Computer Complications” Mainframe finds the reversing room, comes back as regular adult Mainframe, and thwarts the Cobra’s.

All the Joes get fixed, but Lady Jaye has no pants, so her adult self is showing more than she would feel comfortable showing.

 The Good:

Well told and plotted story. Funny and action packed. Sparks is back people.

The Bad:

The end is very rushed. Why are the celebs so violet to the Joes?

#11: “The Pyramid of Darkness”

Original Air Date: September 16th-20th, 1985

“It’s now or never boys. Yo Joe.”

Satin

 There were four five-part GI Joe miniseries.

This is the best.

No debate.

The greatest iteration of the GI Joe carton was made whole in this series. The Crimson twins are added. Polly is brought into the fold. Dusty shows up. Alpine and Bazooka meet Quick Kick to add three more great characters.

The plot is also the best of the four mini-series. Cobra has taken over a satellite and set control cubes to make a Pyramid of Darkness. Under this pyramid, no electronics work. Cobra is successful, initially.

While in the Cobra underground of Enterprise City, Shipwreck and Snake Eyes meet up with a friend, the singer Satin, and they escape to save the day. Plus, this series has the great song “The Cobra that Got Away” and we get Snake Eyes breakdancing. Is that not enough. We also get Snake Eyes dancing while he is decked out in a loud dress.

A ton of great action surrounding the placing of the cubes. Cobra’s plan really does work. Alpine yodels in this series, twice. The fatal fluffies are strange and awesome. Also, I need to say it again, Snake Eyes breakdances, and later wears a gaudy dress. All incredible. This was the series that truly made way for the show we love.

 The Good:

This is truly the beginning of the great run of the G.I. Joe cartoon. Plus, I need to remind you, Snake Eyes breakdances and is in a dress. It is epic.

The Bad:

We see Satin again, however it is in a throwaway role as Lowlight’s sister’s friend in “Glamour Girls”. We also later hear “The Cobra that Got Away” in Joes night out. We needed more Satin in the G.I. Joe world.

Come back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of our countdown of “G.I.Joe: A Real American Hero”.

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

Come and support us and the podcast on Patreon.

SeedSing is funded by a group of awesome people. Join them by donating to SeedSing.  

Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero": Dinosaurs, Gods, and M.A.S.S.

Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.

Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.

Need to catch up? Part 1, Part 2

Today I present part three of my countdown of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Enjoy.

#48: “Countdown for Zartan”

Original Air Date: September 23rd, 1985

“One day Zartan, you will push me too far.”

Destro

 The very first episode of GI Joe that is not part of a miniseries.

The Joes are trying to protect an international peace meeting. Zartan infiltrates the meeting by kidnapping and impersonating one of the distinguished attendees. He gets caught when Spirit’s eagle Freedom goes after the Cobra master of disguise.

Many shenanigans ensue.The Joes psychological torture the Cobra mercenary by setting his clock faster that the bomb. Spirit and Storm Shadow fight. The Skyhawk vehicle is featured. In the end, the Joes win.

 The Good:

The first of a great series. Awesome to see the show highlight the abilities of Zartan and Spirit.

The Bad:

Nothing extraordinary about this episode. Kind of a letdown after the three epic miniseries.

#47: “The Funhouse”

Original Air Date: October 1st, 1985

“Your robots are lousy shots commander. Did you program them yourself?”

Flint

 A whole bunch of Joes are in this episode.

The team is working their way through a funhouse built by Cobra Commander. The Joes are on the mission because Cobra has kidnapped a bunch of scientists. Dusty and Airtight go one way, Alpine and Bazooka another way, and last, we have Flint and Lady Jaye.

Seemingly Lady Jaye, Dusty, and Bazooka are killed by Cobra Commander’s funhouse. The funhouse is screwing with the Joes, nobody dies. Zap shows up to bring his bombs to save the Joes. In the end, the Joes win, and Cobra Commander escapes in what may be the first look at a Firebat.

 The Good:

A lot of great character work with the Joes. We see how the different Joes skill sets compliment each other.

The Bad:

Episode with no real stakes. It seems goofy at times, then we have characters die, then they come back.

#46: “The Primordial Plot”

Original Air Date: November 12th, 1985

“What I don’t get is why is Cobra stealing dinosaurs and old scientists.”

Scarlett

 The plot of “Jurassic Park” years before the movie was released.

Like Scarlett said up top, Cobra is kidnapping old scientist. The goal is to use stolen dinosaur bones to clone a new group of dinos that will help Cobra destroy G.I. Joe. Cobra also has a growth serum that makes the newly born dinosaurs to grow up very quick.

Cobra succeeds, they make dinosaurs.

Flint, Lady Jaye, and Gung Ho are shot down over Cobra’s dinosaur island. The Joes make their way through the island, and Gung Ho is hungry. Thinking about Gung-Ho’s hunger problems, Scarlett realizes that the dinos want food. She uses her crossbow to shoot some provisions over to the hungry beasts.

In the end the need for food trumps Cobra’ s wants of a dino army. Gung Ho even joins the dinosaurs for a feast.

 The Good:

Another great plot. Best dinosaur cloning story we would see for years.

The Bad:

Sloppy Cobra scheme that is easily beat. How exactly was Cobra going to get the dinosaurs off the island? Once the full force of G.I. Joe, along with other countries’ special forces such as the Oktober Gaurd, get wind of Cobra moving dinos off a small island, the snakes plot will be quickly destroyed.

#45: “Red Rockets Glare”

Original Air Date: September 24th, 1985

“Call me Roadblock OK, not Marvin.”

Roadblock

Roadblock is taking a few of the guys out to eat at his Aunt and Uncle’s family restaurant. Unfortunately, a new burger chain called Red Rocket is taking over all the mom and pop diners. Doubly unfortunate, Roadblock’s aunt and uncle have become franchisees of Red Rocket.

Extensive Enterprises is the organization behind the new chain, and that means that Cobra is somehow involved. The Crimson Twins use hired muscle to force people out of their restaurants so Extensive Enterprises can take the place back for pennies on the dollar.

The Joes get involved.

Cobra Commander shows the world that each Red Rocket restaurant has a bomb attached in their rocket logo on every restaurant. Cobra launches Roadblock’s family rocket, and the Joe along with Tomax and Xamot ride the rocket. Roadblock stops the bomb, the twins jump away at the last minute, and Roadblock’s Aunt and Uncle get their family restaurant back up and running with their nephew acting as the cook.

 The Good:

Top notch action. A great personal episode for Roadblock. Nice to see the big guy cook since it is supposed to be a big part of his character profile.

The Bad:

Animation a little shoddy. Riding the rocket, a bit ridiculous.

#44: “The Gods Below”

Original Air Date: November 11th, 1985

“Can this be on the level?”

Duke

The episode where the Joes learn that the gods of Egyptian mythology are real.

Cobra is trying to find something in an old Egyptian tomb. The Joe team is there to stop Cobra. While going through the tomb, the Joes knockout some Crimson Guardsmen and steal their uniforms. They learn that Cobra wants the treasure of Set.

While the Joes are navigating the tomb to capture Cobra Commander, they end up in front of the god Osiris. He tells them their hearts must be weighed to see if they are worthy for eternal life. The heroes are put through a series of test where they all help each other and all seem to fail, but their comradery allows them to pass into eternal life.

Meanwhile, Cobra finds the god Set and pledges allegiance to the evil deity. Cobra takes Set’s treasure, but the evil god has tricked Cobra Commander and destructive weather begins to wreak havoc. At the same time, the god Anubis is transporting the Joes into the afterlife when they convince the deity to stop Cobra. The Commander drops the treasure, it is sealed in the tomb of Set, the weather stops, and Anubis dumps the Joes into the river.

Why did the Joes miss out on eternal life? Duke called Anubis dog face.

 The Good:

A story unlike any GI Joe tale told before. Shows the difference between how the Joes and Cobra think and act.

The Bad:

The Joes discover that the afterlife is real, and it is based on Egyptian mythology. It is never mentioned again. If the Egyptian after life is real, is Duke forever banned because he insulted Anubis? These are the questions that worry me at night.

#43: “Spell of the Siren”

Original Air Date: October 25th, 1985

“No, my former Commander, it is not treason, it is destiny.”

Baroness

In a fight underwater, the Baroness gets her hand on a shell, and Lady Jaye gets an old parchment. The parchment tells the Joes that the shell is the Conch of the Sirens. The Baroness discovers that the Conch of the Sirens will make men the zombie slaves of whoever uses it.

In a long overdue bid for power, the Baroness uses the conch to take control of the male Joes, and to get control of Cobra. Xamot, who has escaped control, teams with the Joes to save the men, if his brother is saved.

The Baroness has an army of lady Cobra troopers, while Scarlett, Lady Jaye, and Covergirl join Xamot to save the men. The Joes get the Conch, Cobra retreats. In the end the Joe ladies destroy the Conch.

The Good:

With the ladies in charge, each side seems to be better run.

The Bad:

Why in the hell did the lady Joes destroy the conch?

#42: “The Wrong Stuff”

Original Air Date: November 28th, 1985

“I pity the fool who doesn’t join Cobra.”

Mr. C of the C Team

I love the first two acts in this episode. In fact, the first act may be in the top five of GI stories ever. The end just does not do the rest of the episode any favors.

Cobra takes over every television satellite in space and replace all tv programming with Cobra programs. Shows like “Father Knows Beast”, “The C Team”, and “The Likeables” promote Cobra’s beliefs. Cobra is also gouging all the advertisers since Cobra TV is the only station on earth.

This will not stand. The Joes decide to put rockets on Skystrikers to knock the satellites out. It doesn’t work because Zartan and the Dreadnoks are on a space battle station with a giant laser. The Joes need another plan.

Ace runs the squad through space training to find his team. The Joes who make the cut are Scarlett, Lady Jaye, Alpine, Roadblock, and Wild Bill. Along with Ace, the team is launched on a rocket with Sky Strikers attached. The Joes break into the station. A zero-g fight ensues. The Joes are trained and the Dreadnoks are idiots. Joes win and get regular tv back.

In the end the Joes are get a visitor. Mr. C wants to join GI Joe.

 The Good:

Great to see the philosophy of Cobra through their television programs. The shows they highlight are outstanding and show the philosophy of Cobra. The training montage for Ace’s team is also great.

The Bad:

The episode is much better in the first two acts than in the last act.

#41: “Flint’s Vacation”

Original Air Date: November 13th, 1985

“This is going to sound crazy, but a terrorist organization named Cobra has taken over your town.”

Flint

Flint is going on vacation, did you see the title of the episode, and he is stopping overnight at his cousin’s place. Once there, Flint’s cousin’s family seem like zombies and go to bed right when the Joe gets there.

Flint learns the townsfolks are controlled by Cobra. It seems like the snakes are using subliminal messages through the tv news to brainwash the town.

While investigating, Flint gets caught by Zartan, and then the Joe joins the townsfolks in working for Cobra in an underwater base. Lady Jaye spots Flint in a Cobra Commander televised threat. The Joes go to rescue their comrade.

The Joes discover that Cobra is controlling the townsfolks with subliminal messages in the newscasts. The hypnotized townsfolks attack the Joes in the underwater base. Breaker goes to disrupt the subliminal messages. Everyone comes to, and the Joes and townsfolks escape back to their town.

Flint decides that vacation is too stressful, and he decides to head back to base. 

Side note: It is known that Larry Hama, the writer of the G.I. Joe comic, never watched the cartoon. This episode seems to show that cartoon writers read the comic books, because this episode is remarkably similar to the GI Joe comic #20 with Clutch in the Flint role. The comic even ends with Clutch cutting his vacation short because of the stress.

 The Good:

Flint wears his beret even in his civvies. Great action.

The Bad:

Another Cobra super bomb plot ruined by Cobra Commander’s hubris.

#40: “Haul Down the Heavens”

Original Air Date: October 4th, 1985

“Beware Lady Jaye, with so sharp a tongue you could cut your own throat.”

Destro

There is a problem with the Northern Lights. It seems like Cobra’s new weapon, the Ion Attractor, is going to pull down the Aurora Borealis and melt the polar ice caps. The Joes need to investigate, which means we need snow Joes and vehicles.

The Baroness is in disguise as a scientist helping the Joes. She double-crosses the good guys, and a battle breaks out. This is Snow Job and the Polar Battle Bear’s time to shine. In the ice and snow, the better equipped Joes win the day. The Northern Lights get to stay in place.

 The Good:

The episode highlighted the Joes, and their equipment, in the snow.

The Bad:

Cobra’s plot makes very little sense, but I’m no Aurora Borealis expert.

#39: “Pit of Vipers”

Original Air Date: November 27th, 1985

“We’re supposed to take orders from a pile of silicon chips?”

Flint

The DOD (Department of Defense in case you did not know) has ordered the Joes to use a new program named Watchdog. The problem is that Watchdog sends Joes all over the world to abandoned Cobra bases. Shipwreck is not buying it, and on an underwater mission he decides to ditch the Watchdog system.

Without Watchdog, Shipwreck finds an active Cobra base, unfortunately he gets captured. Meanwhile, Cobra has a giant drill called Pit Viper and they are sending it to the GI Joe HQ. With so many Joes spread out around the world, the HQ is barely staffed.

During a Cobra Commander video gloat to G.I. Joe, the captured Shipwreck warns the Joes about Watchdog. Breaker and Scarlett take over the Pit Viper and use it to tunnel through Watchdog, destroying it. Shipwreck escapes as Cobra Commander and Destro argue. The Joes win.

 The Good:

A really well thought out story. Awesome episode to show that Shipwreck is smart, and not just a doofus.

The Bad:

Another Cobra plot undone by infighting.

#38: “Satellite Down”

Original Air Date: September 25th, 1985

“Ortho, ortho.”

Primord Chief

A satellite is brought down somewhere over Africa, and the Joes are racing Cobra to get control of the downed orbital object.

Both sides end up being caught by the primitive tribe of primords, a non-evolved early form of humans. The primords are worshipping the satellite as a god and are going to sacrifice Lady Jaye. Storm Shadow makes a deal with the Joes to escape, but he double-crosses the heros the first chance the ninja gets. Things take a turn, Storm Shadow and Cobra attacks the primords, the Joes assist the tribe. The combined Joe primord team turn away Cobra, and the satellite is destroyed.

In the end the Joes leave the primords a television. After watching for a few minutes, the primords destroy the television and chant “Yo Joe”.

The Good:

Great Lady Jaye episode. The Bridge Layer makes a useful appearance.

The Bad:

The look and action of the primords can be seen as a bit racist.

#37: Sins of Our Fathers

Original Air Date: November 18th, 1986

“With Dial-Tone working for me Serpentor is as good as finished.”

Cobra Commander

 A sequel to the season one episode “Skeletons in the Closet”.

The show starts with a few Joes getting ready to have a night on the town. Flint tells Dial-Tone that the Joes have decided not to keep him on this time. The communications specialist is off the team.

Flash forward to a non-Joe Dial-Tone eating beans out of can in his men shelter like terrible room. A mysterious woman comes to hire Dial-Tone for a job. The job? He is to help communicate with something in a well.

Flint, in disguise, is watching over Dial-Tone at his new job. It seems that kicking Dial-Tone off the team was part of plan to get him to work for Cobra, and let the Joes know what the snakes are up to. Unfortunately, poor Dial-Tone just thinks his friends have rejected him. The mysterious woman ends up being Zarana working for Cobra Commander who wants the beast in the well, the one at the end of “Skeletons in the Closet”, to awaken and kill Serpentor. Zarana captures Flint.

Dial-Tone’s work is successful, the beast awakens. Flint and Dial-Tone escape, and the discarded Joe is welcomed back to the team. Serpentor and his Cobra legions attack the beast. Destro tells the Joes about an ancient chant that will attract the beast. The Joes use loudspeakers to broadcast the chant, the beast follows them out to the sea, and the Joes bury the beast under rocks in the ocean.

The episode ends with the promise that the beast may be back.

Side note: The chant that Destro gives the Joes is a sentenced played backwards. The sentence says “Anyone listening to this backwards for a secret occult message is a real dweeb”

 The Good:

A sequel to a classic episode. Awesome continuity. Incredibly cool personal story about Dial-Tone.

The Bad:

I wanted so much more story from the beast. That should have been part of the movie.

#36: “Sink the Montana”

Original Air Date: September 29th, 1986

“The Montana and I Serve Cobra now. 100%”

US Admiral George Latimer

The USS Montana, a Navy battleship, is being decommissioned. The ship’s captain, Admiral George Latimer, is not happy about it.

Before the ship is officially decommissioned, Admiral Latimer defects to Cobra and hands the ship over to Destro. Cobra gives the Montana some modern tech to stop the US Navy from sinking the ship. No modern warship can get close to the Montana. The Joes need old tech, so they steal the USS Constitution.

Shipwreck is hear for the cosplay because he is dressed for the late 18th century.

The Joes get to the Montana, Destro abandons Latimer, And Hawk punches and captures the Admiral so he can watch the Montana sink. Latimer is teary eyed.

 The Good:

Great story about a person from General Hawk’s past.

The Bad:

Why is an Admiral captain of a battleship? Why would an Admiral defect to Cobra over an old battleship?

#35: “Battle for the Train of Gold”

Original Air Date: October 16th, 1985

“There’s over sixty billion in gold in Fort Knox. With that kind of money Cobra Commander would not have to conquer the world, he could buy it.”

Scarlett

Cobra attacks the US Bureau of Engraving, where they make the money, and the only thing the snakes want is a tape. Said tape gives Cobra info on how to get the gold in Fort Knox.

Led by Zartan and the Dreadnoks, the gold is cleaned out of Fort Knox and loaded onto a Cobra bullet train. The Joes have to chase the train. Thunder knows a local guy with horses, so the Joes use the stallions to chase down the gold. We see that Gung-Ho is not good at riding horses.

The Joes stop the train, Zartan and the Dreadnoks escape, and Gung-Ho rides off into the sunset not on a horse, but on an Awe Stryker.

 The Good:

Fun episode with great Joe character work.

The Bad:

How in the hell is Cobra robbing Fort Knox this easily? How did they get easy access to the Bureau of Engraving? I am calling some BS.

#34: “Let’s Play Soldier”

Original Air Date: September 30th, 1986

“Don’t call me sir. I work for a living.”

Leatherneck

This is an incredibly social conscience episode of GI Joe. We are introduced to the dust children of Thailand. They are the left behind children of American soldiers. These kids are considered lower than dirt, hence the name of dust children.

The story focuses on Dr Mindbender creating a mind control gum using the sap of native trees. Leatherneck is the defacto caretaker of the dust children and trains them to be disciplined. The Joes stop Cobra, of course.

In the end, Leatherneck says all the kids can come to America to be adopted. The kids refuse because while they may be looked down upon, this is still their home.

 The Good:

An incredible and important story from a kid’s cartoon. Leatherneck is awesome in this episode.

The Bad:

The actual Cobra plot is not that great.

#33: “The Phantom Brigade”

Original Air Date: October 9th, 1985

“This is madness. Ghosts, in the service of Cobra.”

Baroness

Cobra Commander seeks the help of a gypsy who can call upon the dead to do the Commander’s bidding. The three ghosts called on consist of a Mongolian warrior, a Roman centurion, and a US World War I biplane pilot. The ghost attack with supernatural force. The Joes cannot stop the supernatural attacks of the phantom soldiers.

Baroness tells the Joes about the ghosts because she is afraid Cobra Commander may replace her. Wild-Bill shows the ghost World War I pilot an American flag to convince the dead young man that we are all on the same side. The Joes make a deal with the ghosts to defeat Cobra Commander and grant the spirits everlasting peace.

The plan works, and the Joes release the spirits form their ties to earth. In the end, Wild Bill sees the phantom World War I pilot flying off into the sunset. Yo Joe.

 The Good:

A unique story with a truly touching ending.

The Bad:

The ghosts are the star of the story. G.I. Joe and Cobra are largely just background.

#32: “Not a Ghost of a Chance”

Original Air Date: November 13th, 1986

“Twenty Questions brings you the answers.”

Hector Ramirez

Hector Ramirez, the Host of Twenty Questions, is back with an exclusive live interview between Gi Joe and Cobra.

Lady Jaye and Hawk are put in the position to debate the history of Cobra against Serpentor, Dr Mindbender, and Cobra Commander. The Cobra’s are at their base, and the Joes, along with Hector Ramirez, are in what looks like a studio. The investigative news program is looking at whether Cobra shot down an experimental US bomber or if they are innocent.

The plane, called the Ghost, was being tested by Frank Sullivan and Ron Michaels. Flint has an issue with the shot down Michaels. It seems Flint believes that Lady Jaye and Captain Michaels may have a romantic thing going.

“Twenty Questions” and Hector Ramirez prove that Cobra shot down the Ghost, a fight ensues, and the Joes are able to rescue Reynolds and Michaels. In the end, Flint learns his thoughts of Michaels and Lady Jaye was a misunderstanding, and all is ok between the blossoming love of the two Joes.

 The Good:

Every episode with Hector Ramirez is a worthy episode. Good continuity with Ramirez listing all of the Cobra plots of the past.

The Bad:

Flint is pretty damn immature in this episode. Talk to your lady bro before you start with the accusations.

#31: “Glamour Girls”

Original Air Date: October 8th, 1986

“Beauty is so often wasted on the young.”

Madame Vail

Cobra is working with a Madame Vail to kidnap a bunch of young beautiful woman. The town’s top model keeps disappearing, including Low-Light’s sister Oona and her friend Satin. Lady Jaye and Cover Girl go to investigate, but they unfortunately get hypnotized by a disguised Zartan and his special camera.

All the girls are sent to Madame Vail’s island to be part of an experiment where the young models face will be transferred onto the aged Madame Vail. The idiotic Dreadnoks use Zartan’s camera to hypnotize Zarana, and send her to Madame Vail’s island. Cobra Commander refuses to rescue Zarana, so Zartan helps the Joes escape so they can save the girls.

Side note: Satin, the lounge singer from The Pyramid of Darkness series and the genius behind the hit song “The Cobra That Got Away” makes a return appearance as Oona’s friend.

Low-Light’s sister Oona is selected to have her face swapped onto Madame Vail’s face. The power is cut, Oona is saved, and Madame Vail is left without a face at all. It is disgusting to all in attendance.

 The Good:

Great Cobra plot. Awesome personal story with Lowlight, his name is Cooper. The second season does a great job fleshing out characters like Lowlight, Leatherneck, Lifeline, and Dial-Tone.

The Bad:

More Cobra idiotic shenanigans. Why does Zartan tolerate the Dreadnoks?

#30: “Computer Complications”

Original Air Date: September 26th, 1986

“Geez, you sound like my ex-wife.”

Mainframe

This is the G.I. Joe version of Romeo and Juliet. Mainframe and Zarana start a silent love affair.

Before we get to that awesomeness, we have a story about Cobra trying to get control of G.I. Joe ocean robots. There is the matter of an anti-matter pod that the Joes and Cobra’s want control of. Zarana is sent into G.I. Joe HQ designed as an army specialist assigned to the Joe computer systems. It is here that Mainframe falls for the disguised Zarana. Zarana seems torn about attacking Mainframe, but after some goading from Zartan, she follows through with the Cobra plan. During her escape, a fire breaks out around an unconscious Mainframe. Zarana keeps on her disguised infiltrator role, yet she still saves Mainframe from death. Mainframe even reluctantly escape. Even with her good actions, Zarana is successful.

In the ocean, the Joes and Cobra battle for the anti-matter pod. Both the Cobra Heli carrier and the Joe’s aircraft carrier, the USS Flagg, sink into the ocean.

At the end both Zarana and Mainframe look at the same moon wanting the embrace of the other.

The Good:

Again, this is the G.I. Joe version of Romeo and Juliet. It is awesome.

The Bad:

The action of the back story will pay off, but it is all out of place in this great episode. Also, why did Mainframe let Zarana escape? I guess he believes your girl comes before your country. His actions are related to the sinking of the USS Flagg.

#29: “Captives of Cobra”

Original Air Date: October 29th and 30th, 1985

 “Seize the families of these G.I. Joes and bring them to me.”

Baroness

A two-parter that shows us the inner lives of a few Joes.

The story starts with a Cobra lab that accidentally creates super explosive, and unstable, crystals. The original explosion caused a giant boulder to move into position that may crush a town. The Joes go to save the town and secure the explosive crystals.

Cobra Commander wants these crystals and has a plan to get them back. Storm Shadow is sent into to infiltrate the Pentagon and learn the true names of the GI Joe team and who and where to find their families.

The Joes whose information are compromised; Quick Kick (mom and dad), Scarlett (dad and three brothers), Thunder (mom, dad, and sister), Shipwreck (aunt, uncle, and nephew), Spirit (grandpa and cousin), and Barbeque (mom and dad). Cobra captures most of the family members and uses a device to brainwash their captives, so they attack the Joes. When the Joes try to safely move the crystals, the Cobra captives get in the way of the Joes. Shipwreck recognizes his nephew, and the rest of Joes see their relatives ready to attack.

To be continued

Part two follows the Joes trying to not hurt their brainwashed family members, and also not have the unstable crystals explode. After a few ups and downs, the Joes families are freed from control and the crystals are destroyed before Cobra can nab them.

We do learn that one more Joe had their information compromised. Gung-Ho and his family (100+ members). The Baroness tries to capture them, but the Bayou group easily turn her away. Gung-Ho’s grandma does not care about the distraction, she is mad at her Joe grandson for being late.

 The Good:

Really cool to see the private lives of a few Joes.

The Bad:

Baroness seems extra psychotic. The crystal story is kind of is kind of a distraction to the family story.

#28: “The M.A.S.S. Device”

Original Air Date: September 12th-16th, 1983

“Yo Joe”

many members of the GI Joe team

This is it. The very first time anyone saw the 1980’s GI Joe team fight Cobra on our televisions. The original five-parter that set the table for the greatness to come.

The plot?

Cobra has a special device, called M.A.S.S. that can transport stuff. The first problem is that Cobra needs a relay satellite to unleash the full potential of M.A.S.S. They get that when a disguised Baroness activates a device that allows Cobra to transfer a US Army satellite out of a base. The second problem is M.A.S.S. needs three special rare elements.

The Joes build their own M.A.S.S. and race Cobra to get the rare elements. We are introduced to the teams, Duke, Scarlett, Stalker, Snake Eyes and a few others on the Joes and Cobra Commander, Destro, and a blue suited Baroness for the Cobra’s. Snake Eyes almost dies from radiation poisoning, then he is almost eaten by a bear. A nice blind man cures Snake Eyes, and our black outfitted commando gains a new friend in the wolf Timber. The race for the elements span the globe. There are double-crosses, a nearly destroyed New York City, and a bunch of blue laser on red laser fighting

Everything we love started here, the Joes finding ways to beat Cobra, the Cobra’s having internal fights, the Arena of Sport, it all started here. In the end the Joes stop Cobra and the world is saved. Yo Joe indeed.

 The Good:

This is the beginning. What happened here set the table for the future. Also, this was the only G.I. Joe tv we had for a year. Also, also, Scarlett is awesome in this series.

The Bad:

It was the first. Many of our favorite characters were not introduced yet.

Come back tomorrow to find out G.I. Joe adventures almost made it into the top ten.

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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Ranking Every Episode of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero": Earthquakes, Christmas, and Weather Domination

Recently I went back to watch all 95 episodes of the original “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” cartoon series from the 1980’s. In the spirit of list articles, I went out to the internet to find a ranking from worst to best of the show. I found nothing. There were plenty of top ten lists, but no in depth list of all 95 episodes. I decided to do something about it.

Want to know how I came up with the rankings? Read my introduction.

Need to catch up? Part 1

Today I present part two of my countdown of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”. Enjoy.

#59: “Cobra Quake”

Original Air Date: October 28th, 1985

“Cooperation of nations is dangerous to Cobra.”

Cobra Commander

There is a big summit of nations in Tokyo. In town, Bazooka and Quick Kick are teaching a class to a few trainees. We learn at this time that Bazooka is not great on disarming the bombs. Honestly, he is kind of a doofus.

In the meantime, Cobra has captured Japan’s top hurricane expert. Storm Shadow and a bunch of ninjas fight the Joes during the kidnapping. Cobra has a machine that will cause a quake, and they want to use it to ruin the meeting of nations. Anytime Bazooka sees a bomb, he wants to disarm it. Quick Kick keeps stopping him. In the end Bazooka must disarm bomb, with the help of a trainee, Bazooka is finally successful.

At the end, all the Joes are eating octopus, Gung Ho, Flint, and Bazooka are not happy.

 The Good:

Cool story with great ninja action. Strong Bazooka episode

The Bad:

Beginning makes little sense to story (padding). Stop treating Bazooka like a doofus, he is a Joe.

#58: “Operation Mind Menace”

Original Air Date: October 15th, 1985

“That’s great Flash. I like your positive attitude.”

Airborne

Cobra is gathering people with psionic powers and using tech to enslave the people and enhance their abilities. Airborne’s little brother Tommy has powers, he is telekinetic. Airborne and Tommy also have a psychic connection.

Airborne and Flash follow Cobra to Easter Island. A big battle breaks out, then suddenly the giant heads being animated and controlled by Cobra’s psionic slaves. Airborne and Flash get captured.

While the Joes attack the Cobra base, Airborne gets Tommy to overcome Cobra’s control by showing him an old toy airplane. Joes win.

 The Good:

Interesting idea. The animated stone golems on Easter Island are cool as hell.

The Bad:

The idea of psionic powered people is ever seen again. Airborne’s powers, or his brother, are forgotten.

#57: “An Eye for an Eye”

Original Air Date: November 8th, 1985

“Skip the lecture soldier boy. Who do I see to settle the score?”

Charles Fairmont

In a battle with Cobra, the Joes accidently contribute to causing a fire at a family home. The mother and two kids get out but must be hospitalized. The dad, Charles Fairmont, is mad and wants revenge. He is also quite rude to Flint

Charles breaks into G.I. Joe headquarters and convinces Lady Jaye to help him get revenge. Lady Jaye is trying to bring Charles to a deserted Cobra base, but Cobra high command is there and working.  Lady Jaye gets caught. The Joes come to rescue, and Charles has a chance to kill Cobra Commander. Charles is tricked and Flint saves him from head snake, who escapes.

In the end Charles is reunited with his family and is still not happy. Plus, he is still rude to Flint.

 The Good:

Great idea. Fun episode.

The Bad:

Lady Jaye was out of character in helping Charles and risking court martial. She is not Shipwreck.

#56: Secondhand Emotions

Original Air Date: October 31st, 1986

“I feel awful about what I did at church.”

Lifeline

It is the wedding day of Lifeline’s little sister. A few Joes accompany the team medic to Pittsburgh for the ceremony. Lifeline’s father, a preacher, does not approve of his son joining the military. Like Lifeline, his dad is a pacifist.

Zartan and crew crash the wedding and shoot the Joes with devices that can change their emotions due to music Dr Mindbender plays on an organ. Because of the Cobra emotion control, Lifeline acts like an ass at his sister’s wedding. The Joes are in disarray because their emotions are taking over their actions.

In the end, Lifeline reconciles with his dad, the Joes confront their fears and overcome the emotion controls because Serpentor misuses the organ. The wedding is pulled off with no problems.

 The Good:

Great character story for Lifeline.

The Bad:

A little dull. The animation is a bit shoddy

#55: “Cobra Claws are Coming to Town”

Original Air Date: November 7th, 1985

“Happy Holidays from Wild Weasel you holiday turkeys.”

Wild Weasel

The GI Joe Christmas special.

Cobra hides them self, miniaturized by the way, in toys the Joes are collecting for kids. Also, Mutt is gloomy because Christmas always makes him gloomy. While out moping, Mutt runs afoul of the mini Cobra’s starting to attack. The bad guys are hit with an enlarging ray, Destro’s Molecular Reducer Enlarger, and Cobra takes over the Joe HQ. Cobra Commander puts most of the Joes in an icebox, hanging from hooks by their handcuffs, the Commander also leaves a key to their cuffs just out of reach. Pervy Shipwreck uses skill to get leverage and escape his hook and get the key.

Meanwhile, Cobra is going to attack Keystone City with Joe equipment to make everyone turn against the good guys. In a fight with Destro, Polly the parrot gets hit with the Molecular Reducer Enlarger, a few times, before the device is broken. The Joes chase Cobra in the Cobra gear. A fight on the ground and in the air. Cobra Commander is going to kill Duke, until a giant Polly saves him.

oes win, it is Christmas, Mutt does not have the blues anymore, and Polly is very large. Episode ends with a “bah humbug” from Shipwreck.

 The Good:

Super fun episode.

The Bad:

Not really part of the series. Meant to be a one off special.

#54: “GI Joe and the Golden Fleece”

Original Air Date: October 27th, 1986

“It’s almost like we went back in time.”

Lifeline

The episode where G.I. Joe and Cobra become the living embodiment of Greek mythology.

The Joes and Cobra are fighting in the eastern Mediterranean. A weird ship appears, and a golden shell falls out. Cobra shoots it, and all the sudden the old decrepit Athens Parthenon is restored. Long story short, a few Joes and Cobras have been transplanted in time to the days of Ancient Greece.

We learn that Sgt Slaughter learned some Greek in college, and the locals think he is Hercules. The Joes and Cobra are being recognized as figures from Greek mythology. In ancient times, both sides figure out how to power their modern devices.

Lady Jaye ends up shooting the shell when everyone is close, and all the Joes and Cobras are transported back to modern times. The spaceship returns and the shell is retrieved. We find out it was a kid’s toy.

 The Good:

Really cool story.

The Bad:

A bit fantastical even for GI Joe.

#53: “Joes Night Out”

Original Air Date: November 10th, 1986

“Dance fools, dance”

Serpentor

Dial Tone has a date for the new local dance club, and Wetsuit and Leatherneck want in on the action. Dial Tone’s date can get two friends for the SEAL and Marine. Meanwhile, a Dr. Mulaney is having trouble perfecting his nitrogen fuel project for General Hawk. The three lovelorn Joes and their dates meet up to go to the new club. Dial Tone and Wetsuit are happy with their coupling, Leatherneck is not, his girl is not attractive.

At the club we softly hear the Satin hit “The Cobra Who Got Away”. Then suddenly, the club is launched into space. The club is a Cobra plot to get the Joes to hand over Dr Mulaney and his Nitrogen fuel engine. On the ground, Dr Mulaney surrenders, on the club, the Joes work to save everyone. There are explosives on the club/saucer. Wetsuit MacGyver’s a space suit, with soda cans as propellant, and goes to disarm the bombs. He runs out of air, and Leatherneck gets the last bomb. Dial Tone figures out how to land the club/saucer back on earth. Cobra craft equipped with the Nitrogen fuel engines keep failing. The Joes win. The guys girls are happy, yet Leatherneck has the ugly girl, so he is not happy.

 The Good:

Funny and action packed. Loved hearing “The Cobra That Got Away” again.

The Bad:

The animation is pretty bad.

#52 “Cobra’s Creatures”

Original Air Date: September 30th, 1985

“To fail me is fatal.”

Cobra Commander

First things first. The episode starts with Airborne, Mutt, and Junkyard parachuting out of Skystrikers. Junkyard is a dog, and he is individually parachuting.

Unfortunately, the three never reappear. They were captured by Cobra.

At the Cobra base, Cobra Commander is listening to Dr. Lucifer about his invention of High Freq. This system allows Cobra to control animals. Dr Lucifer wants to be reunited with the love of his life Professor Atila; she is in prison.

High Freq is used on Junkyard, and the dog is sent out to get his master Mutt. Scarlett tries to act as Professor Atilla and get Dr Lucifer. Unfortunately, Dr Lucifer knows that Professor Atilla hates him. Junkyard keeps hunting Mutt, even though Mutt saves his pooch from a gator. Animals are taking stuff over all around the world. Soon Snake Eyes and Spirit show up with their animals Timber and Freedom. A bunch of animal action, the Joes destroy the High Freq machine. Cobra Commander escapes, but the Joes capture Dr. Lucifer. They send him to a prison cell with Professor Atilla.

 The Good:

Dr Lucifer and Professor Atilla are great names for bad guys. The High Freq idea is awesome.

The Bad:

It is sad to see Junkyard go after Mutt.

#51: “The Invaders”

Original Air Date: November 29th, 1985

“The so-called super-powers have fallen for our trick.”

Cobra Commander

The Joes are going after the Crimson twins, and then the Oktober Guard (Soviet GI Joes) show up to the fight.

A quick note, the Joes have red lasers, Cobra has blue, and the Oktober Guard has green lasers.

Tomax and Xamot get kidnapped by aliens, and the Joes and Oktober Guard are quite confused. The Joes need the help of the Oktober Guard to defeat the aliens, the otherworldly beings are attacking the US and the Soviet Union. Joes team up with Oktober Guard to get rid of the threat with a Joe working with one of their Soviet counterparts.

Snake Eyes and Wong discover Zartan and the Dreadnoks are posing as the aliens. The flying saucers are shot down. In the end Gung-Ho and his Soviet counterpart, Horror Show, laugh off their rivalry. Here comes perestroika.

 The Good:

A great story with the Oktober Guard.

The Bad:

Pretty unbelievable episode, even for GI Joe. Everybody was just pretty stupid.

#50: “The Great Alaskan Land Rush”

Original Air Date: December 3rd, 1985

“Whoever owns the seal, owns Alaska”

Honest Gurky

I know that there are only two episodes that utilize the Oktober Gaurd, and I have placed these two episodes next to each other in my rankings. The truth is these episodes played with only one other in between. In three weeks we got two Oktober Guard stories, and the dynamics seem about the same.

The Joes are attacked in Washington DC. The only thing stolen was some rando document that means very little. Unfortunately, the document says that whoever owns the great seal of Alaska is the rightful owner of Alaska. That person is Gurky Potemkin, a person backed by the Crimson Twins.

Alaska is now GurkyLand with a motto that states “Takus All You Canus”. The Joes go to find the real seal, but the Oktober Guard is also on the case to take Alaska back for the Motherland. The two frenemies find an old Russian village built from the descendants of the original Russian expedition of the 1850’s, a ship called the Romanov. After a while, the Joes, Oktober Guard, and the descendants of the Romanov decide to work together. Battle ensues. The Oktober Guard reluctantly gives the Joes the seal, and Gurky is kicked out.

 The Good:

Another awesome episode with the Oktober Guard. Cool story.

The Bad:

The double crossing from the Oktober Guard is unnecessary.

#49: “The Revenge of Cobra”

Original Air Date: September 10th-14th, 1984

“With my new invention The Weather Dominator I shall destroy GI Joe with the irresistible power of nature itself.”

Destro

The second five-part miniseries of the original cartoon’s run. A whole new cast of characters joins the hold overs from the first miniseries. We get our first crack at Zartan, Storm Shadow, a Crimson Guardsman, Flint, Lady Jaye, Spirit, Mutt and Junkyard, and many more. This is the series that also introduced us to the awesome Shipwreck.

The story involves Destro’s newest invention, The Weather Dominator. To start things off, Cobra captures G.I.Joe’s laser core along with Duke and Snake Eyes. The two captured Joes are made to entertain Cobra in the Arena of Sport. Flint, Mutt, and Junkyard also meet Shipwreck, a mercenary sailor holed up in a Cobra town in the middle of the desert.

The Joes and Cobra travel around the world battling to gain the three pieces. Zartan double crosses everyone in the end. The Joes, with the help of Roadblock’s new friend Honda Lou, defeat the bad guys and capture Cobra Commander. Destro flees at the end and vows revenge.

 The Good:

Some of the best characters of the series were introduced here. The show would never be the same without guys like Zartan and Shipwreck.

The Bad:

The story is essential the same format as the first miniseries. Duke and Snake Eyes are largely set aside.

Come back tomorrow for more adventures of “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero”

RD

RD is the founder and Head Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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